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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend annoyed that I wouldn't split the bill

999 replies

notonyournelleee · 09/08/2021 09:48

6 of us went out for a nice meal for DFriend's birthday.

I was the only one who didn't drink alcohol. Just a few lemonades. At the end one person said 'Should we just split the bill then?' But she didn't say it as a question, more of a leading statement. She then got her phone out and split it 6 ways. Came to just over £40 each!

I said 'Sorry, no. You've all drunk quite a bit and I've had no alcohol at all. Would you mind if I pay separately?'

They said yeah fine... and the atmosphere was a little odd after that. We all went our separate ways after that. It wasn't a particularly expensive place but not cheap. Food very reasonably priced but of course the alcohol stacked up the bill significantly

Ive been messaged my birthday girl this morning to say I was really out of order and should've just split. Everyone was a bit upset.

AIBU to not have split?!

I felt like I was being fair there. She also said she was opening her gifts from me in the evening but I've had no words in a way of thank you Sad

OP posts:
igelkott2021 · 09/08/2021 12:07

@AvonCallingBarksdale

Honestly, I’d find your request weird OP. I think these things tend to even out in the end - some have starters and desserts, some have no alcohol, some have one glass. Would you agree that the amount of alcohol consumed should also be broken down price wise? In the end it can suck the joy out of an evening a bit.
It didn't even out - that was the point. If I had a dessert but nobody else did, but everyone else shared a bottle of wine and I'd just had a cola, that would be fine and I'd split evenly as it would more or less even out.

But if everyone else has eaten and drunk considerably more than it's patently unfair.

diddl · 09/08/2021 12:07

@Crowsaregreat

YANBU but you would have been wise to say at the START of the night that you weren't drinking so didn't want to split the bill. Leaving it until everyone was merry was not the best way to get an understanding response.
What a load of bollocks!

Nobody should ever be making a fuss about not being subsidised by someone else.

Wtf difference does "being merry" make?

Naunet · 09/08/2021 12:07

Personally I think it’s appalling manners to watch someone order a cheaper meal or not have alcohol and then present them with splitting the bill. How bloody rude and entitled to expect someone else to subsidise your bill! I’ve always taken a mental note of who is or isn’t drinking when out as a group, and make sure they don’t end up paying more than they should.

ImRhondaAndthesearentreal · 09/08/2021 12:07

I actually had the same issue a few weeks ago.

I went out for a hen do. I didn't know everyone, some I'd never met before and I doubt I'll socialise with again.

I'm pregnant so I wasn't drinking. And I've been really poorly, which means I'm still not eating a lot. I had a side and a starter for my main, with water. It came to £10. Others were drinking cocktails, and had pudding. It was suggested we split at £30 each. I felt so awkward. I could afford to pay the extra, and would have done for friends but not strangers. Luckily, others refused on my behalf.

Wroxie · 09/08/2021 12:08

Do some of you really not notice when someone in your group is having the cheapest main dish, no starter, and tap water? Or even just having a half of lager while everyone else is sharing £40 bottles of wine or whatever? And do you not then do everything you can not to embarrass them or single them out while simultaneously ensuring they don't risk paying way more than they can afford?

Yes, some people are outgoing enough to just say "I'm broke this week so I can only pay for my £8 salad" but some people are shy or have social anxiety and will just go along with the split while inwardly panicking and worrying about how they'll get through the coming week.

Only a truly selfish and nasty sort of person wouldn't keep an eye out for their friends (or even acquaintances, if it's a big group of people) and try to make things easier for them. You can clearly see what food and drink is in front of someone and if it's the cheapest pasta dish and a half-pint of diet coke while everyone else is having oysters and champagne you're lying if you say you don't notice.

problembottom · 09/08/2021 12:09

To be fair I always split the bill when out with friends and I am definitely not trying to steal their money! It’s just the done thing with people I know. Can’t think of anything worse than six people getting their calculators out. Maybe this group were similar rather than CFs.

Sounds like it got a bit awkward and birthday girl was embarrassed and has lashed out. Not your fault of course, you were entitled to pay for what you had.

Goingdriving · 09/08/2021 12:09

You’re not wrong! I was in a really difficult work situation for two years as one of only two women in a group of men. The nature of our work meant we eat out regularly. The men all drank (loads) and eat meat. I don’t drink and don’t eat meat. I was too socially timid to say anything and I really wish I had. It cost me hundreds of pounds!!!!

godmum56 · 09/08/2021 12:09

UneFoisAuChalet
"In my group of friends we always split the bill regardless. I may have had wine but no dessert whereas friend x ordered the opposite, friend y had the steak and friend z just had a large salad etc…it would just be so tacky to go through the bill and assign costs."

so none of you ever have times when you are a bit short of cash and have to read the menu right to left?
I used to have a bunch of work colleagues we all led departments and used to have our heads meetings in local cafes. All of us, at some point would have a time when we couldn't afford much so we would ALWAYS pay for what we had so no one ever had to be left out entirely.

Morph2lcfc · 09/08/2021 12:10

You also have to watch out for cf when you are all paying for your own. What they will do then is wait until everyone has put in their money (most people tend to round up a bit to cover tip), count up the money then try and just pay the difference to make the money up to the bill. Seen this happen from a couple of people. One had had the full works for his meal, starter, drinks etc and wanted to pay about a fiver.

Hemingwaycat · 09/08/2021 12:10

YANBU at all, they are. If your bill was around £5 less then they wanted you to contribute I’d say you were but yours was half the price so of course you shouldn’t have to shell out as much.

godmum56 · 09/08/2021 12:10

@Wroxie

Do some of you really not notice when someone in your group is having the cheapest main dish, no starter, and tap water? Or even just having a half of lager while everyone else is sharing £40 bottles of wine or whatever? And do you not then do everything you can not to embarrass them or single them out while simultaneously ensuring they don't risk paying way more than they can afford?

Yes, some people are outgoing enough to just say "I'm broke this week so I can only pay for my £8 salad" but some people are shy or have social anxiety and will just go along with the split while inwardly panicking and worrying about how they'll get through the coming week.

Only a truly selfish and nasty sort of person wouldn't keep an eye out for their friends (or even acquaintances, if it's a big group of people) and try to make things easier for them. You can clearly see what food and drink is in front of someone and if it's the cheapest pasta dish and a half-pint of diet coke while everyone else is having oysters and champagne you're lying if you say you don't notice.

this ^^ well said!
HaveringWavering · 09/08/2021 12:11

Bizarre. If your requested contribution was £40 and you paid £25, then that was only £15 “extra” to be divided between the other 5 so £3 each. Hardly worth an arsey text!

How do you know none of them tipped? Was Service definitely not included? If food and drinks were £240 then the tip should have been about £25. If your extra £6 was used as tip (which it may not have been!) then that was only 2.5% tip. That’s awful, they are the ones who should be ashamed (if service def wasn’t included).

LifesNotEnidBlyton · 09/08/2021 12:12

YANBU. Bill splitting is only good for people who want their lifestyle paid for by gullible/generous people who agree to it.

"
Ive been messaged my birthday girl this morning to say I was really out of order and should've just split. Everyone was a bit upset.
"

Yes, they will have been! Because you not agreeing to be the muggings "extra body to lower their cost" will have come as an unwelcome shock to them.

fromdownwest · 09/08/2021 12:13

@Naunet

Personally I think it’s appalling manners to watch someone order a cheaper meal or not have alcohol and then present them with splitting the bill. How bloody rude and entitled to expect someone else to subsidise your bill! I’ve always taken a mental note of who is or isn’t drinking when out as a group, and make sure they don’t end up paying more than they should.
Totally agree. In essence it is a way of subsidising your meal.

As a group of friends we generally split the bill equally, we all have similar food and drinks etc.

However, if one of the couples is not drinking then we generally just exclude their food and split the rest.

YippieKayakOtherBuckets · 09/08/2021 12:14

You haven't done anything wrong, OP. This thread shows that arrangements differ significantly between different groups. You've clearly stumbled into an established dynamic of bill-splitting with this particular group. The bigger problem is that the birthday girl is embarrassed and lashing out at you.

Nextlevelnonsense · 09/08/2021 12:15

@myusernamewastakenbyme

This pisses me off so much....im on a budget and choose my food and drink according to what i want and what i'm prepared to spend....no way on gods earth would i subsidise greedy cf's who think everyone else at the table should subsidise their meal and drinks.
So much this!

You assume that they invited you because they really want your company, regardless of how much cash you want to spend on them.
People on a budget will order according to their budget, because they don't expect or want to be subsidized.
People with plenty of cash are obviously free to order accordingly- but only if they are then willing to pay for it!

Otherwise the ones on the budget are either excluded totally (awful), or forced to pay massively over their budget for things they intentionally didn't fucking order!

I'd much rather have friends who order what they can afford, and still enjoy the evening.
I'm there mainly for the company.
Perhaps others are very different.

fromdownwest · 09/08/2021 12:16

Once went out for a works meal, one chap ordered a Tommahake steak and champagne as he was expecting an equal bill split.

Everyone else went off the set menu.

His face when the waiter cam around and we all paid for our own meals was priceless.

Later on he admitted that he would no way have ordered a £50 steak if he didn't think we were splitting it.

lastcall · 09/08/2021 12:16

@AvonCallingBarksdale

Honestly, I’d find your request weird OP. I think these things tend to even out in the end - some have starters and desserts, some have no alcohol, some have one glass. Would you agree that the amount of alcohol consumed should also be broken down price wise? In the end it can suck the joy out of an evening a bit.
No things don't always even out in the end. they just don't. especially people on a budget.

What sucks the joy out of an evening is realizing your 'friends' are more interested in you subsidizing their meals than recognizing that their 'friends' are ordering carefully for a reason.

BarbaraofSeville · 09/08/2021 12:16

Can’t think of anything worse than six people getting their calculators out

I can. The person who had a pizza and a coke because that was all they could afford being guilted into joining in with the even split and paying £20 more than what they budgeted, leaving them short for their other expenses that week.

In some cases 'a few quid' does matter and it often doesn't even out in the end and if you can't see that, just be grateful you've never been in a position where you've had to choose between paying for everyone's steak and cocktails when you had pizza and a coke to stick to your budget or having to speak up because otherwise you wouldn't be able to get to work the next few days or whatever.

babybunny123 · 09/08/2021 12:16

hi i would have done exactly the same. Why should i pay towards someone else's alcohol consumption especially if i dont know them?. I am not tight in the slightest and always leave a good tip but no way would i split the bill if i was not drinking.

Clarkey86 · 09/08/2021 12:16

YANBU

We check if everyone is happy to split it IF it’s clear we’ve had similar things. Otherwise we automatically add up our own part. We do literally all sit there with phone calculators out Grin

Bibidy · 09/08/2021 12:17

I'm surprised that no one picked up on the fact you'd only had soft drinks and offered you the option to pay separately?

Normally in that situation my own friendship group would offer to take that person's costs off the total so they could just pay that and then split the rest. Then it's up to them if they do that or say not to worry.

Hobnobsandbroomstick · 09/08/2021 12:18

There was nothing to stop them splitting the remaining bill after you'd paid your (fair) share.

I'd fuck your friend off OP, how rude to send you that text!

I prefer to just split the bill if it's equalish, but I wouldn't want to pay an extra £21. And they sound cheeky for not leaving any tip.

itsgettingwierd · 09/08/2021 12:18

All those saying you shouldn't say before you eat what your doing bill wise have an excellent point I didn't think of.

People shouldn't eat and drink more than they can afford with an assumption the bill will be split and part of it covered by those not drinking or having less courses.

That's rude - not just paying for your own meal.

50ShadesOfCatholic · 09/08/2021 12:19

The birthday friend is being so rude, jeez you went to dinner with her and gave her a gift - and all she can do is reprimand you for not subsidising others' drinks? Sod that. I think you did the right thing to point out that your order cost substantially less than everyone else's. If she can't accept that well she isn't much of a friend tbh. Lots of people are dicks but don't let them hold you back, there are decent people out there!