Friend annoyed that I wouldn't split the bill

[notonyournelleee]

6 of us went out for a nice meal for DFriend's birthday.

I was the only one who didn't drink alcohol. Just a few lemonades. At the end one person said 'Should we just split the bill then?' But she didn't say it as a question, more of a leading statement. She then got her phone out and split it 6 ways. Came to just over £40 each!

I said 'Sorry, no. You've all drunk quite a bit and I've had no alcohol at all. Would you mind if I pay separately?'

They said yeah fine... and the atmosphere was a little odd after that. We all went our separate ways after that. It wasn't a particularly expensive place but not cheap. Food very reasonably priced but of course the alcohol stacked up the bill significantly

Ive been messaged my birthday girl this morning to say I was really out of order and should've just split. Everyone was a bit upset.

AIBU to not have split?!

I felt like I was being fair there. She also said she was opening her gifts from me in the evening but I've had no words in a way of thank you

I've been in this situation. I used to always just suck it up and then one night went out with a large group. I was driving and had taken several so they didn't have to pay for taxis. The booze was flowing, endless bottles of Prosecco and cocktails. When it came to splitting the bill I was presented with a £60 share and I had to speak up so I did. My entire meal and drinks came to £15. I was not subsidising £45 on alcohol that I hadn't drunk.

I'm a single mum on a low income, so I had no choice as I simply couldn't afford it. I did get some looks but I thought that was entirely unreasonable. YANBU, they are. What a bunch of cheeky fuckers!!

@Wroxie

I would always happily split the bill regardless of how much or little I had- and if I had invited people out I would always offer to pay the whole bill (and happily do it if they accepted)- it's a cultural thing.

However - if the group consensus was to split, but someone else said they preferred not to because they had less food or drink - I would agree without a moment's thought because I have no idea what their financial situation is. It could be that they specifically ordered the cheapest thing on the menu and tap water because that's literally all they could afford and still pay their bills that month. Only a very shitty and self-absorbed friend would think that the conviviality of an equally split bill is more important than the stress and anxiety their friend might experience because they'd suddenly spent £20 more than they expected for the week.

Actually, having said that, in these exact situations - I notice when someone eats and drinks less or has the least expensive things and make a point to be the one who suggests we pay for what we had so they don't have to be embarrassed by being the one who asks. Anyone who wouldn't do this or who would be put out by it is selfish and grabby. I think I've experienced this exactly once and it was a friend of a friend who never showed up in the friend group again.

See, this last paragraph is the height of manners and class. Not tacky at all, not like expecting others to pay for YOUR excesses.

@notonyournelleee maybe what she's actually annoyed about is that she paid for her own birthday dinner and she is taking it out on you.

It's pretty weird that a group went out for a birthday and no one offered to cover her meal?!

@notonyournelleee

Thing is I wouldn't mind if it was £5/10 over my share. But my entire meal came to just under £19

Expecting you to literally double the amount you ordered to subsidize their meals was completely out of order. They were rude to be funny with you about it and the birthday girl doubled down on rudeness by actually calling you to complain about it.

disgusting how entitled to their money they felt. You have a right to a budget and to stick to it and to not subsidize other people's drinking.

FFS, all these people trying to justify the rude behaviour of the rest of the group. How about they are just RUDE and entitled?

OP, YANBU. Sack the whole lot of them off, they sound horrid, especially the 'birthday girl'. She needs to grow the fuck up.

@UneFoisAuChalet

In my group of friends we always split the bill regardless. I may have had wine but no dessert whereas friend x ordered the opposite, friend y had the steak and friend z just had a large salad etc…it would just be so tacky to go through the bill and assign costs.

Oh bless. Another one who can't read that the OP was in a group of people she didn't know that well.

Why don't you - and the other 'tacky' posters just pay the whole bill? So much less miserly than only just partially subsidising, don't you think?

I’ve never split a bill before and when I’ve gone out with friends/family we have always paid for what we had, but that’s because I’m not dim enough to think that everyone has an endless budget nor cheeky enough to think someone else should subsidise my meal

No but you should have said you weren't splitting at the beginning

Why on earth would that make a difference.

Yanbu, it is was just £5/10 maybe but doubling your bill is excessive and really unfair. Also to some people £20 you weren't budgeting for can make a big difference when you're not comfortable with money. It's a shame your friend doesn't realise that.

I also think those who are saying you should've said at the start of the night seem to assume that splitting the bill is the norm, therefore you must've known beforehand that they would split at the end. Obviously I can only speak from personal experience but that's not the norm for me and my friends at all. When I have a meal out with friends we each pay for what we had (unless it's a celebration type thing and the prior arrangement is that we will cover the bill of the person being celebrated, in which case we equally split their costs and add on to our own).

Honestly, I’d find your request weird OP. I think these things tend to even out in the end - some have starters and desserts, some have no alcohol, some have one glass. Would you agree that the amount of alcohol consumed should also be broken down price wise? In the end it can suck the joy out of an evening a bit.

None of them even tipped, so I’d say the op is well rid.

[quote DifferentHair]@notonyournelleee maybe what she's actually annoyed about is that she paid for her own birthday dinner and she is taking it out on you.

It's pretty weird that a group went out for a birthday and no one offered to cover her meal?! [/quote]
It's only weird on MN. Every group I've ever been part of either splits the bill, after accounting for non drinkers or pays for their own meal. Occasionally the "host" might buy the wine or friends might buy drinks for the birthday girl/boy but there's never an expectation.

YANBU OP but it sounds like you have stumbled into an established arrangement with this group of they already know each other well, and that your request was jarring as a result. I agree with a pp that it sounds like your friend is a bit embarrassed. It doesn’t excuse her behaviour but it does explain it.

@AvonCallingBarksdale

Honestly, I’d find your request weird OP. I think these things tend to even out in the end - some have starters and desserts, some have no alcohol, some have one glass. Would you agree that the amount of alcohol consumed should also be broken down price wise? In the end it can suck the joy out of an evening a bit.

Weird to not want to pay double the price of your evening in order to subsidise a group that you mostly don't know?

Weird that you find it weird

YANBU. My friend's DH doesn't drink and we automatically separate his costs out so he doesn't have to subsidise us. It's very normal as everyone knows alcohol really adds up. I would offer to do it with any friend - but anyone who didn't want to split for whatever reason - I wouldn't be judging them this way. Not everyone is made of money.

I think they are the rude/inconsiderate ones for not only expecting you to pay, but kicking off after. I would just ignore it. If she wants to fall out with you over this, that's her problem. Not much of a friend tbh.

If someone suggests splitting the bill and I know someone else will be short-changed, I would speak up for them and insist on fairness. It’s so easy to just add up that one persons bill, and then take that off the total to split between the others. I also would HATE the sensation that I’d ordered something expensive and others were subsidizing, and I’d always put in extra to cover it, and insist on doing so. I’m pretty relaxed about splitting bills when I’ve had less though unless it was a huge difference! As for not leaving a tip - that’s really shit and tight too.

I’ve been the skint person drinking tap water, I’ve been the student waitress living off of my rubbish wages and now I have no money worries I still feel acutely aware of making sure these situations are fair!!

I often have the opposite problem in that we often go out with a group of families, but we have one extra (teenage) child than all of the others and yet they always insist on splitting the bill evenly, even when I offer to pay more.

It does make me feel a bit guilty (I'm a bit of a stickler for fairness in all situations) and DP and I usually make sure we have less to drink to balance it out a bit, but I guess that's what proper friends do - rather than messaging 24hrs later and moaning about you not paying for some of their food and drink.

@Crowsaregreat

YANBU but you would have been wise to say at the START of the night that you weren't drinking so didn't want to split the bill. Leaving it until everyone was merry was not the best way to get an understanding response.

Why though? Why would anybody - drinking or not - expect somebody else to pay extra to subsidise them? Surely that's not normal?

I'd never dream of this, I would also speak up (as per PP posts) if bill-splitting is proposed and others have had disproportionately less. It's grossly unfair.

If people want to pay for birthday meals then that's usually agreed by the non-birthday friends in advance so it's a done deal surely?

@MaMelon

Nope - YANBU.

Some people are very funny about this, they seem to expect others will subsidise their food and drink and get antsy when it becomes apparent that they’re goi g to have to pay more as a result. You made sure you covered the cost of your food and drink, it’s up to them to do the same.

I agree - Yanbu. Although I would have chipped in for the birthday girl too. But messaging you afterwards was waaaay out of line.

I had a "friend" who, when it was her turn to buy a round, just drank coke like me, but when it was my turn she'd say she suddenly fancied a Baileys etc

@PaddleBoardingMomma

As someone who doesn't drink alcohol I would have said exactly the same. Cocktails and doubles with mixers can be £6-10 each and my sparkling water is £2 🤣

The only thing I would have done is chip in for the birthday girl so she didn't pay for her share? So say my cut was £20 and hers was £40, I'd maybe have thrown in a tenner or something towards hers.

As I usually drive, agree

@AvonCallingBarksdale

Honestly, I’d find your request weird OP. I think these things tend to even out in the end - some have starters and desserts, some have no alcohol, some have one glass. Would you agree that the amount of alcohol consumed should also be broken down price wise? In the end it can suck the joy out of an evening a bit.

It's funny how the people most likely to say 'it sucks the joy out of an evening', are the ones who loaded the bill with extras and alcohol. I guess the joy was sucked out because they had to pay their way!

i loathe bill splitting.

don't know if anyone else does this, but the thing among my friends is to each pay for our own, then split the birthday persons bill between us so they don't pay anything.

Every other time we've gone out, we either ask for seperate bills, or nominate someone to pay, then paypal/transfer them our share straight into their account while we're at the table.

No - YANBU at all!

Whenever someone in our group isn't drinking for some reason we always calculate theirs first then split the rest if everyone is happy to. We don't generally do it for veggies because the difference isn't generally that big and sometimes that person might have a more expensive drink or sides to balance it out, but drinks can easily come to £20 or more on top of food! And this is a group of friends where money really isn't much of an issue either, it's just that everyone knows that's fair!

I got stung like this a while ago - I was invited out on a work dinner which I really didn't want to go to but someone senior was visiting the office and wanted us all to go out so it wasn't really optional. I had assumed given it was a 3 line whip that it would be picked up on expenses - I was driving so wasn't drinking, and picked a starter and main from the set menu just because that was what I fancied. Everyone else went all out on steaks and other fancy stuff from the ala carte, and lots of wine and cocktails (presumably they also thought it would be on expenses). Got to the end and the visiting senior person said 'right let's split this 6 ways then shall we' and everyone looked taken aback then agreed - so I ended up paying £50 for a £12.95 meal and a diet coke. Absolutely fuming!