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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend annoyed that I wouldn't split the bill

999 replies

notonyournelleee · 09/08/2021 09:48

6 of us went out for a nice meal for DFriend's birthday.

I was the only one who didn't drink alcohol. Just a few lemonades. At the end one person said 'Should we just split the bill then?' But she didn't say it as a question, more of a leading statement. She then got her phone out and split it 6 ways. Came to just over £40 each!

I said 'Sorry, no. You've all drunk quite a bit and I've had no alcohol at all. Would you mind if I pay separately?'

They said yeah fine... and the atmosphere was a little odd after that. We all went our separate ways after that. It wasn't a particularly expensive place but not cheap. Food very reasonably priced but of course the alcohol stacked up the bill significantly

Ive been messaged my birthday girl this morning to say I was really out of order and should've just split. Everyone was a bit upset.

AIBU to not have split?!

I felt like I was being fair there. She also said she was opening her gifts from me in the evening but I've had no words in a way of thank you Sad

OP posts:
CounsellorTroi · 09/08/2021 11:37

@TheUndoingProject

Are you sure there wasn’t an implication that you would all cover the birthday girl’s meal and your refusal to split seemed as though you were declining to do so?
The bill was split between 6 people, not 5, so I don't think there can have been an agreement to cover the birthday girl.
annacondom · 09/08/2021 11:38

Its interesting, I belong to a book group and we go out for a meal sometimes. They are all wealthy retired apart from me, and all drink wine, which I don't. I was fully expecting to be asked to split the bill but what happens is that we each go up to the till and say " I had the X and Y" and pay for our own. It's maybe a bit more hassle for the pub/restaurant but if it is, none has ever said.

Nixandwotsit · 09/08/2021 11:38

The tacky ones are the people who thought it was fine to split the bill. I don't live in a world where nice people expect others to subsidise them massively.

saraclara · 09/08/2021 11:38

fussing over £40 is tacky really

There speaks someone who's never been on a tight budget.

It's bizarre. Under no other circumstances would anyone say "I've just ordered this thing for myself. It costs £20. You've got to pay for it."

And most of these people weren't even OP's friends!

theleafandnotthetree · 09/08/2021 11:39

Not sure if anyone else noted it OP but it speaks well of you and badly of the others that you were the only one to tip the wait staff. Fuck 'em, you were in the right.

ChunkySloth · 09/08/2021 11:39

@notonyournelleee

I replied straight away to friend saying 'That would've made my bill more than double. I had no alcohol. Hope you still enjoyed your day'

It's on blue tick so she's seen but no response. So that's that I suppose

You're better off now imo. She's a cheeky bitch.
phoenixrosehere · 09/08/2021 11:40

YANBU.

I don’t drink and when I’ve gone out in groups, everyone paid their own because despite knowing each other, we all have different wants. I may just want a drink and a main and someone else may want a bottle of wine and two courses, another may want a soft drink, and three courses. It’s not fair to split the bill if there is going to be massive differences between what others would have paid by themselves vs being split on top of tip and a possible service charge.

Tallisimo · 09/08/2021 11:41

My friends would have said, no, Tallisimo hasn’t drunk any wine so it’s fairer if she pays separately. The rest of us boozers can split the remained of the bill

phoenixrosehere · 09/08/2021 11:42

*water not drink

LookItsMeAgain · 09/08/2021 11:42

My advice going forwards @notonyournelleee is if you're not drinking and you're going out again, when the time comes to give your order, tell the waiting staff as you give your order that you want a separate bill for your food and drink.
Don't say anything to anyone else at the table and when the bill arrives, then you only have to pay yours and you can leave a tip or hand it directly to the waiting staff that looked after you.
You're then free to say to any of the other guests "Oh, I arranged for my own bill here. What you have there has to be split X ways (depending on how many of them there are). I wasn't drinking so I felt this was the best way to sort out the bills as you were. I've settled up now too, so I'm not paying any more than I need to."

Tallisimo · 09/08/2021 11:42

*remainder

Fieldsofstars · 09/08/2021 11:42

It’s not even about being on a tight budget. It’s about principal.

bigbaggyeyes · 09/08/2021 11:43

Yanbu, if it had been a fiver more I'd have split the bulk, but to more than double your bill is them taking the piss, not you

starray · 09/08/2021 11:43

YANBU. I would feel bad making you pay if it was the other way round. They were being rude and unfair.

ExpressDelivery · 09/08/2021 11:43

All the drinkers should have been pointing out that they'd inflated your bill and insisted that you didn't subsidise them. It was them who were rude IMO

I have quite a mixed friendship group. Some non drinkers and some big drinkers. We split the food bill equally but buy drinks separately. This was instigated by the drinkers and TBH more often than not the non drinkers are treated to whatever soft drinks they have, but then they will usually have given lifts too.

ThreeFlowers · 09/08/2021 11:44

They shouldn’t just expect you to split the bill, they are in the wrong and even wronger by making a big deal of it and making you feel awkward for asking to. They don’t sound like very good friends to me, especially the birthday girl. It’s all a bit “my way or the highway”.

starray · 09/08/2021 11:44

@bigbaggyeyes

Yanbu, if it had been a fiver more I'd have split the bulk, but to more than double your bill is them taking the piss, not you
And yes, I agree with that. If it was just a couple of pounds, then fair enough, no quibbles...but more than that....it's crossing the line
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 09/08/2021 11:44

@spooney21

I would never not just split the bill. Can't be arsed with all that, but I can afford to pay it and if I couldn't I wouldn't go to that particular restaurant/ night out etc. I would also expect to pay towards the birthday persons meal.
Tone deaf.

I can afford it too, wouldn't dream of expecting to split with other people who might not be able to - nor imply that they shouldn't attend. Who does that?

Crowsaregreat · 09/08/2021 11:45

YANBU but you would have been wise to say at the START of the night that you weren't drinking so didn't want to split the bill. Leaving it until everyone was merry was not the best way to get an understanding response.

woodhill · 09/08/2021 11:45

No way yanbu, they are cheeky

WeRTheOnesWeHaveBeenWaitingFor · 09/08/2021 11:45

I can’t imagine anyone having an issue with you paying your bit of the bill. Is it possible the way you said it was confrontational or rude?

Heartshapedrocks · 09/08/2021 11:46

YANBU, I hate splitting the bill, and always make clear I'll just be paying for my own haha. Invariably some people will order meals higher priced than others, I don't see how its fair. I usually opt out of buying rounds as well as I usually only have a few drinks rather than however many people there are out! I'd put some in for the birthday person, but sounds like you put over what yours came to anyway.

WeRTheOnesWeHaveBeenWaitingFor · 09/08/2021 11:46

What did your friends message say exactly?

VickyEadieofThigh · 09/08/2021 11:46

As a (cough) older person, my good friends and I always say to anyone not drinking alcohol 'You just pay the cost of what you had' - it's the etiquette we've developed over the years.

None of us is less than comfortably off, but we know it's wrong to expect a non-drinker to subsidise the drinkers.

Original poster
notonyournelleee · 09/08/2021 11:46

@WeRTheOnesWeHaveBeenWaitingFor

I can’t imagine anyone having an issue with you paying your bit of the bill. Is it possible the way you said it was confrontational or rude?

No, most definitely not! I am not confrontational in the slightest Blush or rude

OP posts: