To just never drive on motorways.

[intothewoodss]

I struggle on roads with more than one carriageway, fast roads basically, usually because they are roads that I can't stop on, or pull off, so it's more of an agoraphobic feeling than a simple hating driving feeling.

I have two small children who make a lot of noise in the car, especially my son who is autistic and can get very loud and aggressive. In my head this builds into a kind of crescendo and I have had panic attacks at the wheel while driving my children before.

Family members want me to take some more lessons with an instructor but I don't really see how that would help, since they can't change the fact that I can't get off the roads that I have to drive fast on.

DH doesn't drive, he had a few lessons as a teenager but they were disastrous, he crashed the car in one of them. He also had inattentive ADHD and is unable to pay attention to the road.

Driving around my local area, within a twenty mile radius, I am fine. I know all the roads and routes that I can safely take.

I am on the autistic spectrum, so it's a lot harder for me to change my feelings and my habits than for a neurotypical person. I have tried though, I have tried taking the car out on my own and doing a short stretch of motorway close to my home, and a dual carriageway A road near my home. Every single time I panic. One time I panicked so much that I had to stick my hazards on and stop, which is ironic because that was probably more dangerous than driving along the road in the first place.

I know that family members, particularly my in laws, really judge me for not pushing myself to drive these distances. My husband doesn't judge me but he is disappointed I think that I am not able to take us further afield.

Sometimes I think I'm not trying hard enough, but sometimes like today I just think should I be making myself petrified constantly just because of the opinions of others?

You don’t like doing it, you have no need to do it so don’t it’s not worth the stress.

As for your dh, he doesn’t get a say as he’s a non driver and if he feels that strongly, can go and pass his test.

And to the posters saying that you need dual carriageway experience to pass your test, no you don’t. There are huge rural areas with none for hundreds of miles and people still pass their test there.

This thread is terrifying. So many people admitting they can't drive yet insist on being on the roads.

Driving is one of the most dangerous things the average person does. If you're not a good driver (who should be able to cope with any scenario safely) then stay off the road, before you get someone killed.

It is not compulsory to drive. Many people, including the OP's DH, don't drive at all.

It is not compulsory to drive on motorways. Many people avoid them.

It is far safer for someone afraid of motorways to avoid them than to force themselves to drive on them to meet someone else's standards of normality.

Clearly motorway driving(or at least dual carriageway driving) should be part of the test.

Some of these stories are horrifying. The one about the woman unable to turn right? That's appalling and there's no way she should be out on the roads.

I'm embarrassed to be female right now. I bet there's not a man alive (who's passed his test) who is scared to get on a dual carriageway or to venture beyond a tiny radius of home.

There are threads about elderly people who drive this way, and everyone yells that they need reporting to the DVLA or should have their keys taken from them.

I have respect for you @FlorenceWintle, because you're challenging yourself and working on this. I used to hate joining motorways when I was a new driver. So I do understand the fear. And a couple of times I deliberately took other routes. But I knew that this was no way to be, and I had to face up to it.

If you're a person that can't, and who is so restricted in where you feel able to drive, that you can barely function as a driver outside you're immediate locality, then you are not a competent driver. It's not just about being able to handle a car, it's about being able to handle traffic and respond to danger. You cannot say (as some on here have) that you are a 'good driver' if you can't handle right turns/roundabouts/dual carriageways. You just can't.

Some of these stories are horrifying. The one about the woman unable to turn right? That's appalling and there's no way she should be out on the roads.

How on earth did she pass her driving test?

I think that a series motorway driving lessons should be compulsory after passing your driving test.

Do your in-laws ever visit you @intothewoodss? Or is there an option to meet halfway?

Those people insulting the right turn lady - I presume they know how to right turn across all types of junctions?

The worst I’ve experienced is a hairpin right turn off a 3 lane dual carriageway (70mph) and used to terrify me as there were so many accidents there. Then of course there are the box junction rights on dual carriageways leading up to the motorway where you have to move really fast as the dickheads don’t adhere to speed limits until the cameras further down the road.

I have a different problem.
I'm fine once I'm actually ON the motorway. No feelings of anxiety or claustrophobia and I will happuly drive for miles
It's the joining bit that I hate.
That whole speeding up and hoping there's a space!
That's the stressful bit for me.

She who drives the car makes the rules. There are certain roads I won't drive on just because they are such a pain. Anyone who doesn't like that can get their own car and drive where they like to. Stick to your guns OP.

@intothewoodss

I'm wondering how if it's more claustrophobia than agoraphobia. Either way it's a phobia that goes beyond simply not liking driving.

I have cleithrophobia..fear of being trapped. I hate motorways partly for this reason..but also because generally the driving is awful on them....no lane discipline , speeding, driving up others backsides..driving too slow.....I regularly use t the m1 but decided recently to not use it again..awful road

My mum has never driven on a motorway. She is generally a confident driver but just has a ‘fear’. It doesn’t really affect her as she had two large towns nearby and her local town centre is well serviced. If she goes to the city she uses the train and to be honest the one way system and parking is a pain anyway so I’d rather use the train too.

There is nothing to be ashamed of, and if you wish to choose not to use motorways and accept the limitations it brings that is fine.

I just wish that having a car licence was seen as a privilege and all the people (majority men) who drive in any number of bad or aggressive ways had been banned from driving long ago, which would help you and many others.

Ive been driving for 25 years. Autumn 2020, I had a panic/anxiety attack on a dual carriageway and managed to limp home after being stuck in a lay-by for over an hour. Terrifying for me. I tried to drive after that but would be ill every time I had to go out on the road, never mind a dual carriageway. I had hypnotherapy which helped a bit but didn’t solve the issue. Finally in March I started CBT and thought it wouldn’t help me, it has helped a lot. I started small and finally drove on a dual carriageway (past the exact scene) for the first time last week. I have a long way to go but it is about feeling the fear and pushing through it, believing that ultimately nothing bad will happen- easy to say right - but it has been far from easy, one of the hardest times I’ve ever had. I felt useless, hopeless and very few people understood. I would absolutely recommend you go to your GP and get referred for CBT or other therapy to help you deal with this, IF you want to. If you want to, then don’t be scared, it’s possible to work through but only if you put the hard work in.

Good luck. Everyone is capable of facing their fears if they tell themselves they can do it - even if you don’t believe it at the time.

I don’t think you’re unreasonable not to drive on the motorway if you don’t feel comfortable but I’d try and work yourself up to it and do little journeys say a couple of junctions. I have drove for almost 18 years now and into was petrified of going on the motorway. So the first few times my dh came with me and I drove to one junction and came off then the next time I did two junctions then three etc. I got used to it after a while and to be honest now it’s essential as we holiday in the uk a lot and going to places like Scotland means I have to drive on the motorway.

And Jeez - I hope nobody posting *you shouldn’t be driving at all” - “men don’t feel this” blah blah blah don’t ever experience a phobia or panic during their life. How about offering some advice such as get driving lessons, pass plus, see a GP rather than your blunt pointless advice.

@FeeFeeS

I don’t think you’re unreasonable not to drive on the motorway if you don’t feel comfortable but I’d try and work yourself up to it and do little journeys say a couple of junctions. I have drove for almost 18 years now and into was petrified of going on the motorway. So the first few times my dh came with me and I drove to one junction and came off then the next time I did two junctions then three etc. I got used to it after a while and to be honest now it’s essential as we holiday in the uk a lot and going to places like Scotland means I have to drive on the motorway.

This is the final part of CBT - break a journey down into chunks, practice firstly with someone else and then on your own. And so on. It’s braver to try to face things then to avoid them.

You are absolutely sensible to take a decision not to drive on roads that make you feel this way OP.

This is a safe decision. You cannot know how you might react (or fail to react) due to how it makes you feel. There are trains or buses if you need to make longer journeys.

Safety on the road is the important thing here.

I don't often drive in the dark for similar reasons. It messes up my distance perception and I find it very off putting

I don't drive on motorways, I get such bad anxiety.

@GoodForTheSoul

This thread is terrifying. So many people admitting they can't drive yet insist on being on the roads.

Driving is one of the most dangerous things the average person does. If you're not a good driver (who should be able to cope with any scenario safely) then stay off the road, before you get someone killed.

I really don't see how my not driving on motorways unless I really need to in any way affects my ability to drive everywhere else. It's a nonsensical argument to make.

I just wish that having a car licence was seen as a privilege and all the people (majority men) who drive in any number of bad or aggressive ways had been banned from driving long ago, which would help you and many others

Cycling UK has a campaign going to get drivers with 12 points on their licences banned from driving. Which is what is supposed to happen, but of course their "right" to drive is more important than someone else's right to live. 12 points should mean a ban, no exceptions. If driving is so important to you, you don't get points.

My biggest tip if anyone has to do a long distance on motorways is to do it late evening the first few times. There are massive stretches of empty M5 and M1 after 9pm.

@DerAlteMann

She who drives the car makes the rules. There are certain roads I won't drive on just because they are such a pain. Anyone who doesn't like that can get their own car and drive where they like to. Stick to your guns OP.

yup this absolutely

@saraclara

Clearly motorway driving(or at least dual carriageway driving) should be part of the test.

Some of these stories are horrifying. The one about the woman unable to turn right? That's appalling and there's no way she should be out on the roads.

I'm embarrassed to be female right now. I bet there's not a man alive (who's passed his test) who is scared to get on a dual carriageway or to venture beyond a tiny radius of home.

There are threads about elderly people who drive this way, and everyone yells that they need reporting to the DVLA or should have their keys taken from them.

I have respect for you @FlorenceWintle, because you're challenging yourself and working on this. I used to hate joining motorways when I was a new driver. So I do understand the fear. And a couple of times I deliberately took other routes. But I knew that this was no way to be, and I had to face up to it.

If you're a person that can't, and who is so restricted in where you feel able to drive, that you can barely function as a driver outside you're immediate locality, then you are not a competent driver. It's not just about being able to handle a car, it's about being able to handle traffic and respond to danger. You cannot say (as some on here have) that you are a 'good driver' if you can't handle right turns/roundabouts/dual carriageways. You just can't.

I live rurally. I drive in circumstances and on roads that would make "competent" motorway drivers shit themselves. I think anybody who can't /won't drive where I drive shouldn't drive anywhere.......

I think you probably do need to tackle it OP. If you want to avoid them like the plague, that's your choice but you do need to get to a point where if you HAVE to join one unexpectedly, you don't freak out and are able to drive safely.

I sympathise with your anxiety, I suffer myself with PTSD and have had many a panic attack while driving but it's one of those things where avoiding it just makes it a million times worse when you do encounter it. Eventually you will be able to shut off from the backseat distraction, its compartmentalising. I'm now able to have a full on emotional meltdown, complete snot and tears in the 3rd lane of the North Circular and still not miss my exit and or forget to brake for speed cameras.

You have to split your brain, in a way, so that even when one part is losing its shit, the other is still paying attention to whether twatface in the Audi is going to cut you up.

@Toomuchtodoo

I have a different problem. I'm fine once I'm actually ON the motorway. No feelings of anxiety or claustrophobia and I will happuly drive for miles It's the joining bit that I hate. That whole speeding up and hoping there's a space! That's the stressful bit for me.

@Toomuchtodoo

You dont have to speed up and "hope there's a space". Joining the motorway is a give way line. If there isnt a space to access you stop and wait, just as you would at any other give way line on any other roads. I genuinely think people actually dont realise it's a give way line!

@intothewoodss for the love of god dont come to Milton Keynes! you'll get nowhere, we're all 70mph dual carriageways! Although the concrete cows are super cute.

Honestly, I don't care where you drive but I do feel concerned that someone who has panic attacks driving is on the road with kids in the car. But you know your limits I guess. But it does concern me.