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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To just never drive on motorways.

229 replies

intothewoodss · 09/08/2021 09:29

I struggle on roads with more than one carriageway, fast roads basically, usually because they are roads that I can't stop on, or pull off, so it's more of an agoraphobic feeling than a simple hating driving feeling.

I have two small children who make a lot of noise in the car, especially my son who is autistic and can get very loud and aggressive. In my head this builds into a kind of crescendo and I have had panic attacks at the wheel while driving my children before.

Family members want me to take some more lessons with an instructor but I don't really see how that would help, since they can't change the fact that I can't get off the roads that I have to drive fast on.

DH doesn't drive, he had a few lessons as a teenager but they were disastrous, he crashed the car in one of them. He also had inattentive ADHD and is unable to pay attention to the road.

Driving around my local area, within a twenty mile radius, I am fine. I know all the roads and routes that I can safely take.

I am on the autistic spectrum, so it's a lot harder for me to change my feelings and my habits than for a neurotypical person. I have tried though, I have tried taking the car out on my own and doing a short stretch of motorway close to my home, and a dual carriageway A road near my home. Every single time I panic. One time I panicked so much that I had to stick my hazards on and stop, which is ironic because that was probably more dangerous than driving along the road in the first place.

I know that family members, particularly my in laws, really judge me for not pushing myself to drive these distances. My husband doesn't judge me but he is disappointed I think that I am not able to take us further afield.

Sometimes I think I'm not trying hard enough, but sometimes like today I just think should I be making myself petrified constantly just because of the opinions of others?

OP posts:
Northernsoullover · 09/08/2021 19:04

@saraclara

Clearly motorway driving(or at least dual carriageway driving) should be part of the test.

Some of these stories are horrifying. The one about the woman unable to turn right? That's appalling and there's no way she should be out on the roads.

I'm embarrassed to be female right now. I bet there's not a man alive (who's passed his test) who is scared to get on a dual carriageway or to venture beyond a tiny radius of home.

There are threads about elderly people who drive this way, and everyone yells that they need reporting to the DVLA or should have their keys taken from them.

I have respect for you @FlorenceWintle, because you're challenging yourself and working on this. I used to hate joining motorways when I was a new driver. So I do understand the fear. And a couple of times I deliberately took other routes. But I knew that this was no way to be, and I had to face up to it.

If you're a person that can't, and who is so restricted in where you feel able to drive, that you can barely function as a driver outside you're immediate locality, then you are not a competent driver. It's not just about being able to handle a car, it's about being able to handle traffic and respond to danger. You cannot say (as some on here have) that you are a 'good driver' if you can't handle right turns/roundabouts/dual carriageways. You just can't.

I do actually know a few men who won't drive on a motorway. One had a crash, the other a near miss. OP I don't drive on motorways either. I can. I prefer not to. Too many dickheads on them.
Original poster
intothewoodss · 09/08/2021 19:04

@nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut

I think you probably do need to tackle it OP. If you want to avoid them like the plague, that's your choice but you do need to get to a point where if you HAVE to join one unexpectedly, you don't freak out and are able to drive safely.

I sympathise with your anxiety, I suffer myself with PTSD and have had many a panic attack while driving but it's one of those things where avoiding it just makes it a million times worse when you do encounter it. Eventually you will be able to shut off from the backseat distraction, its compartmentalising. I'm now able to have a full on emotional meltdown, complete snot and tears in the 3rd lane of the North Circular and still not miss my exit and or forget to brake for speed cameras.

You have to split your brain, in a way, so that even when one part is losing its shit, the other is still paying attention to whether twatface in the Audi is going to cut you up.

I learned to drive in deepest East London so I am absolutely fine with London driving and the North Circular. We used to live in Walthamstow so I was on it pretty much every day.

That's what I think people aren't getting. I can drive in busy places absolutely no problem at all. I can't drive on fast wide roads, even when they are mostly empty.

OP posts:
speakout · 09/08/2021 19:09

My life doesn't need any motorway driving thankfully.
I drive everyday, happy to drive in the city, but I disike speed on motorways.
I have driven a lot in the past- I was a sales rep for many years, would think nothing of driving motoways everyday.
There are no motorways around me- a few A roads and dual carriageways, but I usually take the back roads .

Depechemodebiggestfan · 09/08/2021 19:14

I can’t drive on motorways too. I’m driving occasionally when I’m allowed DHs car which is super pricey and I can’t drive.
I’m Sunday driver, driving around my town from Ato B.
I have no confidence m so I have no experience at all. I would never go on motorway either.

Depechemodebiggestfan · 09/08/2021 19:15

Anytime I’m to drive I am so anxious, I literally have diarrhoea before I drive. Abpa do then I’m just shaking feeling sick..

Depechemodebiggestfan · 09/08/2021 19:16
  • and then ( no apba)
RampantIvy · 09/08/2021 19:19

I have to drive on the motorway. I need to take DD to and from university with all her stuff, It's the only way I can get to work, and the only way we can get to visit family.

I remember being so scared the first time I drove on the M1. I had taken a girl at home home at lunchtime to fetch something. She directed me both ways. I had no idea I was going to do some motorway driving, and before I knew it I was on the M1. Fortunately it wasn't busy, and I survived.

TBH I hate stop start town driving. I would far rather be on a motorway.

inmyslippers · 09/08/2021 19:29

I'm Autistic and hate driving on the motorway. Recently I've had some spare time and I've pushed myself to do it. I really
Enjoy it, however I am on my own and don't need to be anywhere. I push myself at my own pace and most importantly it's something I want to do. It feels liberating after 3years of driving to face my fears

BeenThruMoreThanALilBit · 09/08/2021 19:45

If you can drive on the North Circular, you can drive anywhere imo! I’m a NT, very competent driver, no issues whatsoever. EXCEPT for the North Circ which brings me out in hives. Absolute nutters on there! Doesn’t help that everyone speeds, it runs through some densely populated residential areas so tight slip roads with poor visibility - and it’s circular! You’re often joining traffic coming round a blind turn! Mental.

Sorry OP, don’t mean to belittle your efforts (as above, I think you’re evidently a competent driver). The issue doesn’t seem to be your driving abilities. It’s your coping abilities. The answer to that probably doesn’t lie in improving driving techniques. It probably lies in managing your coping mechanisms.

felulageller · 09/08/2021 19:57

I think you should take a few lessons just to boost your confidence

But don't focus on the motorway- if you don't want to do that don't.

billiebeeme · 09/08/2021 20:09

Well if ur happy managing around a small area where you don't have to go on these roads, that is up to u.

U might do well by getting some additional lessons in dual carriageways and motorways. U just don't learn them properly when u sit ur test. I couldn't find 5th gear my first time on a dual carriageway as I'd hardly bn in it when learning!

I live in a big town that has lots of dual carriageways and roundabouts with 2 or 3 lanes. There would be no avoiding it here! (No test centre here though) Infact road nearby is being upgraded from single lane 40mph to a dual carriage way.

blahblahblah321 · 09/08/2021 20:14

I am exactly the same, although I can do dual carriageways quite happily.

It's the feeling of not being able to stop/getting off easily that I can't cope with. I actually enjoy driving in the main, just motorways I can't do.

I'm agoraphobic in other ways too - can't cope with trains, planes, any situation I'm "trapped in" etc. I'd love to have hypnotherapy at some point

110APiccadilly · 09/08/2021 20:25

My mum doesn't, and manages to get where she wants to go! It's perfectly possible though you might end up sometimes taking longer, but if you're ok with that, that's fine.

Howshouldibehave · 09/08/2021 20:29

Did you ever come back, @intothewoodss ?

How long have you been with your DH and have you always driven 9 hours to see the
In laws or have you never done it? Do they come to you?

I wouldn’t want to be responsible for driving 9 hours on my own to see someone else’s parents-I wouldn’t be going either! Anyone that felt it was a drive that should be made to facilitate a visit is more than welcome to do it themselves though!

Faffinator · 09/08/2021 20:31

I'm uncomfortable with people saying it is OK to accept these crazy limitations on daily life. If you have some irrational fears that impede on a normal life in this way then you need to attempt to overcome them, not justify them as reasonable. I have an irrational fear of the opticians, but I still go because I know it's mad of me and I need to confront it. The OP knows that she has the required level of driving skills to go on the motorway or dual carriageway. Therefore she should find ways to overcome her fear which will enlarge and improve her life.

Chicchicchicchiclana · 09/08/2021 20:33

Yabu, why is this on AIBU?

MurielSpriggs · 09/08/2021 20:35

@Chicchicchicchiclana

Yabu, why is this on AIBU?
I love the bizarre logic of this post Grin
Misty999 · 09/08/2021 20:52

I don't drive motorways or dual carriageways been driving 20+ years, DP drives them so it's not to bad and I get a train if I need to go long distance on my own. I like you know all the local routes and plan my routes in advance I'm claustrophobic so think it's related to that. I just don't feel safe travelling at speed and am no good at joining at the slip road if it's busy. Plus if the kids kick off there is no way I can concentrate.

Faffinator · 09/08/2021 20:55

It's like the 1950s on this thread....

Dreamstate · 09/08/2021 21:00

Motorway driving is a breeze compared to north London and Croydon where I have always come across the most dangerous driving I've ever seen even from undertaking and cutting cars up to cars racing each other and those who don't know what a stop line is at a roundabout and just carry on like they have god given right

MurielSpriggs · 09/08/2021 21:00

@Faffinator

It's like the 1950s on this thread....
Can't help imagining genteel ladies driving to evensong on a Sunday afternoon sitting bolt upright, propped up on cushions, pince-nez in place, steering wheel gripped at ten-to-two except when they wind down the window to give hand signals Grin
HalzTangz · 09/08/2021 21:25

How are you when driving on normal roads but outside your 20 mile zone of roads that you know.
For example would you be confident to do a 100 mile journey on A roads

HalzTangz · 09/08/2021 21:38

But she is right. To stop on a motorway and put hazards on is dangerous driving.

Faffinator · 09/08/2021 21:48

@MurielSpriggs tin of barley sugar in the glove box

HalzTangz · 09/08/2021 21:49

For the last 3 or 4 years learners are now taken on the motorway before the driving test