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AIBU?

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Original poster

To tell him to fuck right off?

432 replies

cheekyfucker21 · 08/08/2021 20:31

Long story short ... my "teenage crush" from secondary school (let's call him Ben) is now apparently "happily" married with kids yet he continues to message me intermittently on social media asking for (more like demanding at times) naughty pics.

So as not to drip feed, here's the history to this ... Ben and I had a bit of a fling (occasional casual sex) back in our early 20s when both young and carefree. We are both now mid 30s. I'm now in a happy relationship of 6 years with let's call him Tom, and we have a baby; Ben is now married and to the rest of the world on social media presents as all loved up and happy. Over recent years he has popped up now and then with random "how are you" messages - fine; no problem. I'll reply to those. But a couple of years ago Tom and I went through a rough patch in our relationship and we temporarily split. We were apart for only 4-6 weeks or so. In that time Ben was in touch (he was not married at this time). This time the content of the chat was more sexual - a few pictures were exchanged. Not my proudest moment but I was in a shitty place emotionally with the split from Tom and had no idea at that stage how permanent that split would be. Anyway ... Tom and I worked things out and I stopped messaging Ben. He continued to message, I told him I was back with Tom... he didn't take the hint. So I ignored.

Fast forward to now (approx 3 years down the line from this). Tom and I have resolved the issues that caused the temporary split and we have a baby. We are happy. Ben popped up again recently on my messages having seen pictures I'd shared of new baby to say congratulations. I said thanks. Engaged in normal platonic chit chat. Said I notice you're married now, congratulations, etc. Didn't take him long however to return to comments along the lines of "missing" the pictures I used to send, or commenting on how "good" I look, etc. I began to ignore again.

Problem is - he just keeps messaging at random moments. Like the middle of the night saying things like "I'm drunk... would love to see another sexy pic" etc etc. He's bloody married now ffs and I'm happy with Tom and our new family. When I don't reply to his message and just delete it, I get another shortly after ..."come on, you know you want to...." etc.

At the moment I'm managing this by reading and deleting. I'm close to telling him to fuck off and blocking him but I don't want to be a dick about it because we've known each other since we were kids and we have some mutual friends. But honestly, I can't stand these constant demands from him!

Also, did I invite this by engaging with it in the brief time Tom and I split? I now feel responsible for it, somehow?

Wwyd?

OP posts:
PopcornMuncher · 08/08/2021 21:17

I haven't blocked because I feel like that would make me a bit of dick somehow

You think YOU are a bit of a dick? No, he is.

FFS . As others have said block

Ginger1982 · 08/08/2021 21:17

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy

I haven't blocked him because the messages aren't constant

No, you haven't blocked him because you like the thrill and the attention. You are also being massively disrespectful to your partner. And his wife.

Grow up.

This in spades. You obviously enjoy the fact that he still 'wants' you.
PaddleBoardingMomma · 08/08/2021 21:18

@QueenBee52

Perhaps Tom has his own female friends that he asks for PICS, OP wouldn't mind that seeing as she isn't shutting this guy off ?
Exactly. And Tom probably even has a sexual history with these women and it's OK because op does same so... fair game?
Original poster
cheekyfucker21 · 08/08/2021 21:19

Those that have (wrongly) concluded I am enjoying the attention are spectacularly missing the fact that I don't respond when he asks for pics and gives me compliments etc. If I was loving the attention I'd be loving that and engaging with it, surely Confused It genuinely makes me uncomfortable. And I genuinely struggle to tell people to leave me alone who make me feel that way. Believe that or don't. It's the truth.

OP posts:
MarleneDietrichsSmile · 08/08/2021 21:19

You have not blocked him because you like the attention

So what was the problem again?

QueenBee52 · 08/08/2021 21:20

@cheekyfucker21

Those that have (wrongly) concluded I am enjoying the attention are spectacularly missing the fact that I don't respond when he asks for pics and gives me compliments etc. If I was loving the attention I'd be loving that and engaging with it, surely Confused It genuinely makes me uncomfortable. And I genuinely struggle to tell people to leave me alone who make me feel that way. Believe that or don't. It's the truth.
You're actions say otherwise.
QueenBee52 · 08/08/2021 21:20

*Your

GCAcademic · 08/08/2021 21:20

Please stop being so considerate OP. If you don’t want to block him, then just don’t reply to any of his messages. Just because there may be an off chance that you bump into each other in real life, that doesn’t mean that you have to continue to engage with him in social media.

I’m not sure that “considerate” is quite the word I’d be using here. The OP’s not exactly being considerate to her partner, is she?

How would you feel if your partner was keeping in contact with an ex-fling who was repeatedly asking him for dick pics, and was reluctant to block her, OP?

Original poster
cheekyfucker21 · 08/08/2021 21:20

@QueenBee52

My actions are ignoring and deleting. How does that indicate that I love the attention?

OP posts:
phishy · 08/08/2021 21:21

No, we’re not missing the fact that you don’t respond and I believe you. But by never having asked him to stop, that’s tacit encouragement to him to keep messaging you asking for pics. Do you seriously not see that?

girlmom21 · 08/08/2021 21:21

[quote cheekyfucker21]@QueenBee52

My actions are ignoring and deleting. How does that indicate that I love the attention? [/quote]
And then continue to engage in conversation time and time again knowing exactly how the conversation will go...

GlitterBiscuits · 08/08/2021 21:22

All of MN...block him

OP...but... but ... but...

All of MN ...block him

OP...but...but..

Do you still have feelings for him?

Ginger1982 · 08/08/2021 21:22

[quote cheekyfucker21]@QueenBee52

My actions are ignoring and deleting. How does that indicate that I love the attention? [/quote]
Because you aren't blocking him. You might not respond and delete his requests but you obviously get something out of receiving them. You continue to converse with him knowing that, eventually, his chat will turn sexual.

GCAcademic · 08/08/2021 21:22

@cheekyfucker21

Those that have (wrongly) concluded I am enjoying the attention are spectacularly missing the fact that I don't respond when he asks for pics and gives me compliments etc. If I was loving the attention I'd be loving that and engaging with it, surely Confused It genuinely makes me uncomfortable. And I genuinely struggle to tell people to leave me alone who make me feel that way. Believe that or don't. It's the truth.
You’re keeping the door open to him behaving like this (because you like the attention) and convincing yourself you’re doing nothing wrong because you don’t reply.
MarleneDietrichsSmile · 08/08/2021 21:22

If you don’t like the attention, why not block him though? It’s not a big deal if you run into him one day in your hometown, as you are not a big part of each other’s lives?

I mean, really, you want him in your life. You like the attention. Or else why would you still be reading the messages? Thinking about them? Writing about them here?

It is really not hard to stop this

ChargingBuck · 08/08/2021 21:22

But it fits with how I feel and why I'm sort of thinking this is my fault; I asked for this.

I don't care if you spent a week swinging off the chandeliers with him while yodelling "come & get me big boy". That STILL doesn't mean you are obliged to ever do it again.

You seem to have a basic problem with what consent means.
For crying out loud watch this video.

And - having watched & learned from the video - next time someone offers you a cup of tea but you don't want one, don't ignore them. TELL THEM YOU DO NOT WANT TEA.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 08/08/2021 21:23

You didn't find it difficult to tell me You're just firing off shitty replies to make yourself feel good about 20 mins ago.

Yet you can't tell some bloke who keeps asking you for titty pics to piss off? Or tell your DP about it?

Yep. Total drama llama.

QueenBee52 · 08/08/2021 21:23

[quote cheekyfucker21]@QueenBee52

My actions are ignoring and deleting. How does that indicate that I love the attention? [/quote]
that's an interesting choice of words ... I love he attention slip of the tongue perhaps and definitely not what I said.. Hmm

I said .. your actions say otherwise.

Original poster
cheekyfucker21 · 08/08/2021 21:24

@phishy

No, we’re not missing the fact that you don’t respond and I believe you. But by never having asked him to stop, that’s tacit encouragement to him to keep messaging you asking for pics. Do you seriously not see that?

No I didn't see that. I didn't believe that doing and saying absolutely nothing in response gave him the green light to continue tbh Confused

OP posts:
PaddleBoardingMomma · 08/08/2021 21:24

I'm 39 weeks pregnant and even my unborn baby is shouting BLOCK HIM

I really don't know how on earth this isn't the most straight forward situation ever, utterly baffling.

bobandhisburgers · 08/08/2021 21:25

How do you think 'Tom' will feel if he knew this man was pestering you like this, and instead of shutting him down or blocking him you just left him to carry on the messaging. And you even reply to him when he starts a normal conversation, that inevitably leads to him asking for pics?! You know he's going to ask. Do you think you'd like it if an old flame of Tom's was messaging him random drunk messages asking for dick pics and he wasn't saying no/shutting it down/blocking her?
You need to take a bit of responsibility for the control over this situation you have here. If you don't want him to message you, block him. If people think you're a dick for that then there is something wrong with them.

Original poster
cheekyfucker21 · 08/08/2021 21:25

@ChargingBuck

But it fits with how I feel and why I'm sort of thinking this is my fault; I asked for this.

I don't care if you spent a week swinging off the chandeliers with him while yodelling "come & get me big boy". That STILL doesn't mean you are obliged to ever do it again.

You seem to have a basic problem with what consent means.
For crying out loud watch this video.

And - having watched & learned from the video - next time someone offers you a cup of tea but you don't want one, don't ignore them. TELL THEM YOU DO NOT WANT TEA.

Thank you for this- and for making me laugh

OP posts:
QueenBee52 · 08/08/2021 21:25

I wonder if all the other woman he's asking for Pics, are still sending them too... I wonder where he ranks you ?

happydays2345 · 08/08/2021 21:26

Crazy idea... Block and move on?

QueenBee52 · 08/08/2021 21:26

@PaddleBoardingMomma

I'm 39 weeks pregnant and even my unborn baby is shouting BLOCK HIM

I really don't know how on earth this isn't the most straight forward situation ever, utterly baffling.

even I can hear Baby Grin
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