To tell him to fuck right off?

[cheekyfucker21]

Long story short ... my "teenage crush" from secondary school (let's call him Ben) is now apparently "happily" married with kids yet he continues to message me intermittently on social media asking for (more like demanding at times) naughty pics.

So as not to drip feed, here's the history to this ... Ben and I had a bit of a fling (occasional casual sex) back in our early 20s when both young and carefree. We are both now mid 30s. I'm now in a happy relationship of 6 years with let's call him Tom, and we have a baby; Ben is now married and to the rest of the world on social media presents as all loved up and happy. Over recent years he has popped up now and then with random "how are you" messages - fine; no problem. I'll reply to those. But a couple of years ago Tom and I went through a rough patch in our relationship and we temporarily split. We were apart for only 4-6 weeks or so. In that time Ben was in touch (he was not married at this time). This time the content of the chat was more sexual - a few pictures were exchanged. Not my proudest moment but I was in a shitty place emotionally with the split from Tom and had no idea at that stage how permanent that split would be. Anyway ... Tom and I worked things out and I stopped messaging Ben. He continued to message, I told him I was back with Tom... he didn't take the hint. So I ignored.

Fast forward to now (approx 3 years down the line from this). Tom and I have resolved the issues that caused the temporary split and we have a baby. We are happy. Ben popped up again recently on my messages having seen pictures I'd shared of new baby to say congratulations. I said thanks. Engaged in normal platonic chit chat. Said I notice you're married now, congratulations, etc. Didn't take him long however to return to comments along the lines of "missing" the pictures I used to send, or commenting on how "good" I look, etc. I began to ignore again.

Problem is - he just keeps messaging at random moments. Like the middle of the night saying things like "I'm drunk... would love to see another sexy pic" etc etc. He's bloody married now ffs and I'm happy with Tom and our new family. When I don't reply to his message and just delete it, I get another shortly after ..."come on, you know you want to...." etc.

At the moment I'm managing this by reading and deleting. I'm close to telling him to fuck off and blocking him but I don't want to be a dick about it because we've known each other since we were kids and we have some mutual friends. But honestly, I can't stand these constant demands from him!

Also, did I invite this by engaging with it in the brief time Tom and I split? I now feel responsible for it, somehow?

Wwyd?

I would find it impossible to partake in general chit chat with someone who had treated me like this.

Why do you feel the need to be nice to him? He’s a creep. Have you never ended any other friendship?

Have you told Tom?

I would tell DP & block in your shoes so that, if you did bump into him back home, when out with Tom there isn’t any risk of Ben mentioning something to stir up trouble.

If I was Tom and I found out about this I'd wonder why you hadn't blocked him ages ago.
Block him. He's a creep.

I haven't blocked because I feel like that would make me a bit of dick somehow because of the length of time we've known each other and we have mutual friends.

So what?
It's nothing to do with your mutual friends.
It doesn't matter if you've known his for 104 years - he's being a dick, you are not - BLOCK HIM.

Why have you never said ‘please stop sending me messages asking for pics, I’m happily married and not interested’.

It does sound like you enjoy the attention and that’s why you haven’t asked him to stop.

You are also being disrespectful to your partner by not making any attempt to ask Ben to stop.

@ChargingBuck

Stop feeling obliged by the social contract. Stop feeling that because you sexted previously, when you were in a low place, you are obliged to put up with his demands. Stop dancing to his tune. Stop shillyshallying around feeling awful but doing nothing to STOP him! Stop hinting, stop ignoring, stop deleting ... FFS BLOCK.

You owe this tosser nothing - do you hear me? NOTHING.
Block him the fuck out of your life & forget about him.

Your first sentence about being obliged by a social contract and because of my previous messages to him struck a chord, this is how I feel. I know it's messed up. But it fits with how I feel and why I'm sort of thinking this is my fault; I asked for this.

@cheekyfucker21 then why are you still talking to this bloke? You're choosing to attempt some sort of weird friendship where you're his bit of wank foreplay over showing your dh respect by not entertaining the (literal) wanker.

How would you feel if it were roles reversed and DH had an old flame with history that he has exchanged pics with and was still entertaining talking to even though she was being inappropriate?

If my partner was continuing to chat to someone who they had previously had a thing with and who kept asking them for pics, I'd be really upset, even if they hadn't sent any since. I think it's quite unfair on your partner.

It's really easy to just block - you don't have to give a reason or warning. And if you see him again through mutual friends, just act like nothing has happened. He's hardly going to bring it up, in case you tell people the reason.

@cheekyfucker21

And if you really don’t want to block Why can’t you say ‘you’re being really disrespectful to me and my partner for asking- happy to be in touch but not if you’re going to keep asking for photos.’

I like this response

yes you do because you don't want to chop this off.....why don't you?

I don't want to make it awkward.

But it's already awkward.

What do you think is going to happen if you bump into him alongside the mutual friends - he's going to publicly announce he'd like you to sext him please?

He's made the awkward, hand it right back.
BLOCK, & if you see him again just act cool & focus on the other friends.

@Rainbowqueeen

I would find it impossible to partake in general chit chat with someone who had treated me like this. Why do you feel the need to be nice to him? He’s a creep. Have you never ended any other friendship?

No. I have never actively ended a friendship. I've had friendships drift apart due to no contact anymore etc ... but I've never actively said to someone "I want nothing more to do with you; don't contact me again". I don't know why but I find this really difficult.

I think the thread's already established you have boundary issues.

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy

I haven't blocked him because the messages aren't constant

No, you haven't blocked him because you like the thrill and the attention. You are also being massively disrespectful to your partner. And his wife.

Grow up.

Yep, it certainly seems that way the more the OP posts.

Please stop being so considerate OP. If you don’t want to block him, then just don’t reply to any of his messages. Just because there may be an off chance that you bump into each other in real life, that doesn’t mean that you have to continue to engage with him in social media.

You owe him nothing. He is pushing the boundaries and using the fact that you have known each other for a long time in order to cross the line with you.

So either block, or just ignore all messages completely.

And don’t ever feel guilty for doing so.

@ripples101

Please stop being so considerate OP. If you don’t want to block him, then just don’t reply to any of his messages. Just because there may be an off chance that you bump into each other in real life, that doesn’t mean that you have to continue to engage with him in social media.

You owe him nothing. He is pushing the boundaries and using the fact that you have known each other for a long time in order to cross the line with you.

So either block, or just ignore all messages completely.

And don’t ever feel guilty for doing so.

Thank you

Block him, couldn't be more simple

@Thadhiya

I think the thread's already established you have boundary issues.

Quite possibly yes. I do find it difficult to tell people to get lost when they make me uncomfortable. I've always struggled with that .

"if I was to go back to my home town and arrange to meet up with old friends (as I do occasionally), there's a good chance Ben would be in the places we would go out to."

Bollocks. There really isn't a good chance at all. Even in a small town

I chat like I would a mate iyswim

For goodness sake get a grip. HE IS NOT YOUR MATE.
He's a grubby little sleazebag who wants to wank off to pics of your tits.

OK? Got it yet?
He is disgusting, why would you feel you owe him social niceties?

Honestly?
I would block him, then if you bump into him, and he raises it, you can tell him why.

Otherwise, I would respond to him only if you want to - and if he asks for pics again, or is inappropriate in any way, then you set a clear boundary. You say, "Stop. If you ask for pictures or make suggestive comments again, I'm going to have to block you."

Just block & move on.

No drama required.

He sounds a right idiot to be honest, married and wanting pics from you, you owe this sleaze zilch, block him

Your first sentence about being obliged by a social contract and because of my previous messages to him struck a chord, this is how I feel. I know it's messed up. But it fits with how I feel and why I'm sort of thinking this is my fault; I asked for this.

For some reason this reminds me of the girls in secondary school who would let the boys feel them up under their shirt at lunchtime because they had snogged them one time.

I do wonder how we’re raising our girls / women to have such little agency in their own lives.

Perhaps Tom has his own female friends that he asks for PICS, OP wouldn't mind that seeing as she isn't shutting this guy off ?

You don't want to block him as not to be rude. Would that explanation passify you if the boot were on the other foot and your partner was receiving messages like this after exchanging nudes with an old fuck buddy when you were briefly separated?