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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell him to fuck right off?

432 replies

cheekyfucker21 · 08/08/2021 20:31

Long story short ... my "teenage crush" from secondary school (let's call him Ben) is now apparently "happily" married with kids yet he continues to message me intermittently on social media asking for (more like demanding at times) naughty pics.

So as not to drip feed, here's the history to this ... Ben and I had a bit of a fling (occasional casual sex) back in our early 20s when both young and carefree. We are both now mid 30s. I'm now in a happy relationship of 6 years with let's call him Tom, and we have a baby; Ben is now married and to the rest of the world on social media presents as all loved up and happy. Over recent years he has popped up now and then with random "how are you" messages - fine; no problem. I'll reply to those. But a couple of years ago Tom and I went through a rough patch in our relationship and we temporarily split. We were apart for only 4-6 weeks or so. In that time Ben was in touch (he was not married at this time). This time the content of the chat was more sexual - a few pictures were exchanged. Not my proudest moment but I was in a shitty place emotionally with the split from Tom and had no idea at that stage how permanent that split would be. Anyway ... Tom and I worked things out and I stopped messaging Ben. He continued to message, I told him I was back with Tom... he didn't take the hint. So I ignored.

Fast forward to now (approx 3 years down the line from this). Tom and I have resolved the issues that caused the temporary split and we have a baby. We are happy. Ben popped up again recently on my messages having seen pictures I'd shared of new baby to say congratulations. I said thanks. Engaged in normal platonic chit chat. Said I notice you're married now, congratulations, etc. Didn't take him long however to return to comments along the lines of "missing" the pictures I used to send, or commenting on how "good" I look, etc. I began to ignore again.

Problem is - he just keeps messaging at random moments. Like the middle of the night saying things like "I'm drunk... would love to see another sexy pic" etc etc. He's bloody married now ffs and I'm happy with Tom and our new family. When I don't reply to his message and just delete it, I get another shortly after ..."come on, you know you want to...." etc.

At the moment I'm managing this by reading and deleting. I'm close to telling him to fuck off and blocking him but I don't want to be a dick about it because we've known each other since we were kids and we have some mutual friends. But honestly, I can't stand these constant demands from him!

Also, did I invite this by engaging with it in the brief time Tom and I split? I now feel responsible for it, somehow?

Wwyd?

OP posts:
Original poster
cheekyfucker21 · 08/08/2021 20:56

@Potatoy

It’s strange that it’s very clear what you need to do to shut it down, yet you don’t wish to do it. I agree. He seems to have a strange hold over you OP.

Confused a hold in what way?

OP posts:
Potatoy · 08/08/2021 20:57

But you know everytime he's talking to you that's what he's going to be after ultimately. And he's probably doing the same to others.

WorraLiberty · 08/08/2021 20:57

@cheekyfucker21

And if you really don’t want to block Why can’t you say ‘you’re being really disrespectful to me and my partner for asking- happy to be in touch but not if you’re going to keep asking for photos.’

I like this response

And yet it's so basic.

How have you not thought of it before?

HelpingJane · 08/08/2021 20:57

He just pops up now and again and usually it starts as "hi how are you" so I chat like I would a mate iyswim,

But he's not your mate! He has no interest in your life or how you're doing. He just wants you to assist in his wank.

Potatoy · 08/08/2021 20:57

In that you won't block him, there must be something about him that makes you not want to block him.

Aubree17 · 08/08/2021 20:58

I was going to say send a message telling him to stop. But the more I thought about what you should say the more I thought "nah just block him"

It's perhaps only a matter of time until your husband sees these messages pop up. Delete everything, block him and move on.

You didn't do anything wrong so don't beat yourself up about that either.

pascheretloire · 08/08/2021 20:58

@TestingTestingWonTooFree I wouldn't screenshot his wife, just block him.

I made the mistake of screenshooting messages from a sex pest ex to his girlfriend. Ended up being harassed and stalked by him and her to the extent that I had to get the police involved.

I think it can be helpful to send a message before blocking stating that he is harassing you and not to contact you ever again. Keep a record of this as it's useful if things escalate.

HerMammy · 08/08/2021 20:59

You’re hardly great old pals when you didn’t attend his wedding or aware of a new baby.
He’s an ex and vile one at that, stop being so obliging.
Block, block and block’

girlmom21 · 08/08/2021 20:59

I feel sorry for your OH and his wife to be honest...

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 08/08/2021 20:59

I haven't blocked him because the messages aren't constant

No, you haven't blocked him because you like the thrill and the attention. You are also being massively disrespectful to your partner. And his wife.

Grow up.

Original poster
cheekyfucker21 · 08/08/2021 20:59

[quote pascheretloire]@TestingTestingWonTooFree I wouldn't screenshot his wife, just block him.

I made the mistake of screenshooting messages from a sex pest ex to his girlfriend. Ended up being harassed and stalked by him and her to the extent that I had to get the police involved.

I think it can be helpful to send a message before blocking stating that he is harassing you and not to contact you ever again. Keep a record of this as it's useful if things escalate. [/quote]

I feel bad for his wife but I don't think it's my place to send screenshots to her.

OP posts:
KurtWilde · 08/08/2021 21:00

This is a simple block and move on, and yet you're doing neither.

DismantledKing · 08/08/2021 21:00

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy

I haven't blocked him because the messages aren't constant

No, you haven't blocked him because you like the thrill and the attention. You are also being massively disrespectful to your partner. And his wife.

Grow up.

What this poster said x2
MoiraRose4 · 08/08/2021 21:00

Block him. Why wouldn’t you? Would you rather run the risk of your husband seeing one of these messages?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 08/08/2021 21:01

We're all saying the same thing.

Just block him! No-one is asking you to screenshot anything.

Drama llama.

Speakuptomakeyourselfheard · 08/08/2021 21:02

Does your DH know about the photos etc you shared when you weren't together? Does he know about the texts? If not, then you're really putting your relationship at risk, as he's definitely not going to be happy if he finds out! Are you prepared to risk this? I agree with everyone else, block him, before it's too late!

lannistunut · 08/08/2021 21:02

@Potatoy

Don't ignore him. Say clearly you are unhappy with messages like that, any more and you'll block him.
That's what I would do, you tell him once, directly, to stop asking or you will consider it harassment. If he does it again, block him.
Original poster
cheekyfucker21 · 08/08/2021 21:03

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy

Really no need for your replies. How am I drama lllama ffs?! I was agreeing with a pp who said she made the mistake of screenshotting messages to show someone's wife and it didn't end well - I was saying I agree, it's not my place to do this. You're just firing off shitty replies to make yourself feel good.

OP posts:
Thadhiya · 08/08/2021 21:03

I have honestly never met people in real life like I see on this site.

If a pervert messages you for dirty pics, you block the pervert. You don't brush him off and keep pondering the matter, even going so far as to post about it as if it's somehow confusing. You block the pervert.

It's a well-known cliche that lonely shitty men will reach middle age and start sending sad Facebook messages to people they went to school with in the hope of some torrid affair, and they get laughed at and mocked. Why have you entertained this man?

PaddleBoardingMomma · 08/08/2021 21:04

Plus he's not just a mate is he? There's a history there and it seems like he has some sort of hold or you'd not entertain the messages. Does your DH know the history with this bloke and that you have sent pics and been intimate with him? If not then it's just another reason to block, it's shady on your DH

ChargingBuck · 08/08/2021 21:04

Stop feeling obliged by the social contract.
Stop feeling that because you sexted previously, when you were in a low place, you are obliged to put up with his demands.
Stop dancing to his tune.
Stop shillyshallying around feeling awful but doing nothing to STOP him!
Stop hinting, stop ignoring, stop deleting ... FFS BLOCK.

You owe this tosser nothing - do you hear me? NOTHING.
Block him the fuck out of your life & forget about him.

Thadhiya · 08/08/2021 21:04

@HelpingJane

He just pops up now and again and usually it starts as "hi how are you" so I chat like I would a mate iyswim,

But he's not your mate! He has no interest in your life or how you're doing. He just wants you to assist in his wank.

Exactly XD So grim. And such a stereotype.
Original poster
cheekyfucker21 · 08/08/2021 21:04

@Speakuptomakeyourselfheard

Does your DH know about the photos etc you shared when you weren't together? Does he know about the texts? If not, then you're really putting your relationship at risk, as he's definitely not going to be happy if he finds out! Are you prepared to risk this? I agree with everyone else, block him, before it's too late!

He knows I was "chatting to an old flame" during this time. He didn't ask for content so I didn't share it at the time. He knows he pops up and says hi now and again. He doesn't know he demands pictures.

OP posts:
DismantledKing · 08/08/2021 21:05

[quote cheekyfucker21]@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy

Really no need for your replies. How am I drama lllama ffs?! I was agreeing with a pp who said she made the mistake of screenshotting messages to show someone's wife and it didn't end well - I was saying I agree, it's not my place to do this. You're just firing off shitty replies to make yourself feel good. [/quote]
Yeah, but you are a drama llama though

Armychefbethebest · 08/08/2021 21:05

About 4 years ago now an old friend popped up on Messenger I'd just been through probably one of the worst times of my life and only a handful of people knew to what extent I'd last seen this lad aged 14 or 15 we did cadets and I kept in touch with a lot from that period , anyways we had just exchanged the usual how you doing ? Did you marry have kids kind of chat when he asked if i was free for a chat the following night yes looking forward to catching up i said , so the next day he messaged hi army wife has gone to work now I'm laid in bed naked ready to talk to you been waiting for this all day wtf !!! I'd given no sign whatsoever i wanted this kind of chat told him so asked him how his wife who was out grafting would feel and told him to have more respect for her for me and himself or i would screenshot the lot and send it , I've not had a peep since if you dont want to block you cant mince your words, how would you feel if you saw a convo between your fella and a woman and she was begging for nudes ? How would you convince your partner right now if he found the messages that you had done nothing wrong because you havent either asserted the wish for him to pack it in or blocked him , is it really worth all those potential issues from someone you may bump into because I'll bet you when life goes shit tits up mr dirty pics wouldnt be anywhere to be seen sort it out hun xx

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