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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To tell him to fuck right off?

432 replies

cheekyfucker21 · 08/08/2021 20:31

Long story short ... my "teenage crush" from secondary school (let's call him Ben) is now apparently "happily" married with kids yet he continues to message me intermittently on social media asking for (more like demanding at times) naughty pics.

So as not to drip feed, here's the history to this ... Ben and I had a bit of a fling (occasional casual sex) back in our early 20s when both young and carefree. We are both now mid 30s. I'm now in a happy relationship of 6 years with let's call him Tom, and we have a baby; Ben is now married and to the rest of the world on social media presents as all loved up and happy. Over recent years he has popped up now and then with random "how are you" messages - fine; no problem. I'll reply to those. But a couple of years ago Tom and I went through a rough patch in our relationship and we temporarily split. We were apart for only 4-6 weeks or so. In that time Ben was in touch (he was not married at this time). This time the content of the chat was more sexual - a few pictures were exchanged. Not my proudest moment but I was in a shitty place emotionally with the split from Tom and had no idea at that stage how permanent that split would be. Anyway ... Tom and I worked things out and I stopped messaging Ben. He continued to message, I told him I was back with Tom... he didn't take the hint. So I ignored.

Fast forward to now (approx 3 years down the line from this). Tom and I have resolved the issues that caused the temporary split and we have a baby. We are happy. Ben popped up again recently on my messages having seen pictures I'd shared of new baby to say congratulations. I said thanks. Engaged in normal platonic chit chat. Said I notice you're married now, congratulations, etc. Didn't take him long however to return to comments along the lines of "missing" the pictures I used to send, or commenting on how "good" I look, etc. I began to ignore again.

Problem is - he just keeps messaging at random moments. Like the middle of the night saying things like "I'm drunk... would love to see another sexy pic" etc etc. He's bloody married now ffs and I'm happy with Tom and our new family. When I don't reply to his message and just delete it, I get another shortly after ..."come on, you know you want to...." etc.

At the moment I'm managing this by reading and deleting. I'm close to telling him to fuck off and blocking him but I don't want to be a dick about it because we've known each other since we were kids and we have some mutual friends. But honestly, I can't stand these constant demands from him!

Also, did I invite this by engaging with it in the brief time Tom and I split? I now feel responsible for it, somehow?

Wwyd?

OP posts:
HelpingJane · 08/08/2021 20:45

I also can't think why you wouldn't block him, except that you secretly enjoy the messages.

You don't need any 'platonic' chit chat with this man. What does your partner think of all this?

girlmom21 · 08/08/2021 20:46

You're encouraging him by not shutting him down or blocking him.

Sparklesocks · 08/08/2021 20:46

Block him. He’s crossing a line by continuing to initiate unwanted sexual contact. Surely that’s being much more of a ‘dick’, you don’t have to worry about his feelings in the matter. He already made it awkward. He doesn’t want to be your mate, he just wants to see your tits.

godmum56 · 08/08/2021 20:47

so you have known a sex pest since he was a kid and that is why you shouldn't block him? sheesh

MissCruellaDeVil · 08/08/2021 20:48

Just block him fgs, he's married!

cheekyfucker21 · 08/08/2021 20:48

@girlmom21

You're encouraging him by not shutting him down or blocking him.

I don't engage with the sexual chat or reference to "sending more pics" etc - when he starts that I ignore.

OP posts:
PaddleBoardingMomma · 08/08/2021 20:49

Er another very clear and loud vote to just block him! By not doing so you're making this dipshit think he's fine to do what he does. Cut him off already.

itsgettingwierd · 08/08/2021 20:50

Another who immediate just wondered why you haven't blocked him Confused

Potatoy · 08/08/2021 20:50

Don't ignore him. Say clearly you are unhappy with messages like that, any more and you'll block him.

DismantledKing · 08/08/2021 20:50

I agree with literally everyone else. Block him.

ImInStealthMode · 08/08/2021 20:50

Block him, he's a dick.

What you've done in the past has no bearing on this.

I also have an ex of long long past who I'm still friendly with. Over the years when we've both been single our chat has sometimes turned a bit more suggestive & flirty, but when either of us are with someone that is turned off like a tap and 'normal service' friendship resumes by mutual understanding.

Potatoy · 08/08/2021 20:50

You don't owe him 'nice'

Lumpwoody · 08/08/2021 20:51

Yeah just block him.

Potatoy · 08/08/2021 20:51

@Potatoy

Don't ignore him. Say clearly you are unhappy with messages like that, any more and you'll block him.
Though I'd go straight for blocking
Sparklesocks · 08/08/2021 20:51

I don't engage with the sexual chat or reference to "sending more pics" etc - when he starts that I ignore.

Why not say ‘this is inappropriate, don’t ask me things like that’ and remove any ambiguity he may have about your feelings? Blocking would be the clearest option regardless. Then you don’t have to worry about it.

If he truly respected you as a friend he wouldn’t speak to you like that.

It’s strange that it’s very clear what you need to do to shut it down, yet you don’t wish to do it.

BritWifeInUSA · 08/08/2021 20:52

Don’t let him see things you post on Facebook. Even if you are “friends” you can select who can and can’t see your posts. Or just block him. It’s really that simple.

HelpingJane · 08/08/2021 20:53

He's not your friend OP. He's an old fuck bubby/ rebound.

Why do you want him in your life?

Bluntness100 · 08/08/2021 20:53

What are you doing? Why on earth would you not just send a message back the first time and say I’m happy in my relationship and that won’t be happening don’t ask again.

Why are you jist letting it keep going? Are you flattered?

FuckMeGentlyWithAChainsaw · 08/08/2021 20:53

He’s demanding dirty pics of you, despite you already saying no and you haven’t blocked him because… you think it would be impolite? Have I got that right? Omg. Hmm 😂

Scarydinosaurs · 08/08/2021 20:53

Just block him? Who cares- he probably sends these messages to loads of women and won’t even notice if you block him.

It won’t be awkward- he knows he is being out of order. And if you really don’t want to block Why can’t you say ‘you’re being really disrespectful to me and my partner for asking- happy to be in touch but not if you’re going to keep asking for photos.’

overnightangel · 08/08/2021 20:53

@Ginger1982

Block him. Unless you secretly get a thrill out of receiving the messages.
Yeah this
cheekyfucker21 · 08/08/2021 20:54

I haven't blocked him because the messages aren't constant - if they were I definitely would have. He just pops up now and again and usually it starts as "hi how are you" so I chat like I would a mate iyswim, then he chances his luck part way through the conversation with reference to either how I look or the pics I sent him in the past etc ... that's when I just ignore in the hope of shutting it down. Which I suppose works until next time. Urgh I don't know. I'm not being assertive enough I suppose

OP posts:
Potatoy · 08/08/2021 20:55

It’s strange that it’s very clear what you need to do to shut it down, yet you don’t wish to do it. I agree. He seems to have a strange hold over you OP.

cheekyfucker21 · 08/08/2021 20:55

And if you really don’t want to block Why can’t you say ‘you’re being really disrespectful to me and my partner for asking- happy to be in touch but not if you’re going to keep asking for photos.’

I like this response

OP posts:
DismantledKing · 08/08/2021 20:56

It doesn’t matter if it’s fucking constant messaging or not. I find it difficult to believe that you’re for real.