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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell him to fuck right off?

432 replies

cheekyfucker21 · 08/08/2021 20:31

Long story short ... my "teenage crush" from secondary school (let's call him Ben) is now apparently "happily" married with kids yet he continues to message me intermittently on social media asking for (more like demanding at times) naughty pics.

So as not to drip feed, here's the history to this ... Ben and I had a bit of a fling (occasional casual sex) back in our early 20s when both young and carefree. We are both now mid 30s. I'm now in a happy relationship of 6 years with let's call him Tom, and we have a baby; Ben is now married and to the rest of the world on social media presents as all loved up and happy. Over recent years he has popped up now and then with random "how are you" messages - fine; no problem. I'll reply to those. But a couple of years ago Tom and I went through a rough patch in our relationship and we temporarily split. We were apart for only 4-6 weeks or so. In that time Ben was in touch (he was not married at this time). This time the content of the chat was more sexual - a few pictures were exchanged. Not my proudest moment but I was in a shitty place emotionally with the split from Tom and had no idea at that stage how permanent that split would be. Anyway ... Tom and I worked things out and I stopped messaging Ben. He continued to message, I told him I was back with Tom... he didn't take the hint. So I ignored.

Fast forward to now (approx 3 years down the line from this). Tom and I have resolved the issues that caused the temporary split and we have a baby. We are happy. Ben popped up again recently on my messages having seen pictures I'd shared of new baby to say congratulations. I said thanks. Engaged in normal platonic chit chat. Said I notice you're married now, congratulations, etc. Didn't take him long however to return to comments along the lines of "missing" the pictures I used to send, or commenting on how "good" I look, etc. I began to ignore again.

Problem is - he just keeps messaging at random moments. Like the middle of the night saying things like "I'm drunk... would love to see another sexy pic" etc etc. He's bloody married now ffs and I'm happy with Tom and our new family. When I don't reply to his message and just delete it, I get another shortly after ..."come on, you know you want to...." etc.

At the moment I'm managing this by reading and deleting. I'm close to telling him to fuck off and blocking him but I don't want to be a dick about it because we've known each other since we were kids and we have some mutual friends. But honestly, I can't stand these constant demands from him!

Also, did I invite this by engaging with it in the brief time Tom and I split? I now feel responsible for it, somehow?

Wwyd?

OP posts:
Potatoy · 08/08/2021 21:27

I do disagree that OP has been encouraging him. But I do think after the first time OP was uncomfortable she should have said something. It is hard to speak up and I suppose he does have pictures of you in his possession. But it really is ok to just say stop, no more.

PaddleBoardingMomma · 08/08/2021 21:27

@cheekyfucker21

Because doing nothing is just as bad!

If your kid walks in the house and pisses on your carpet whilst staring you dead in the eyes do you just stay silent and look away because you don't want to make it awkward?!

NOOOOO

Honestly I don't know why but this is the most frustrating thread I've read in months 🤣 what are we not getting through to op?!

Candydreamer · 08/08/2021 21:27

@QueenBee52

I wonder if all the other woman he's asking for Pics, are still sending them too... I wonder where he ranks you ?
that's unnecessary.

OP you really do need to block him though.

Potatoy · 08/08/2021 21:28

I think however some people don't think "is my contact wanted" and then if dont meet any resistance will carry on.

HollaHolla · 08/08/2021 21:28

You have no responsibility to keep him sweet or anything. I would write a considered message, telling him you are happy to be friendly, but no sexual chat, etc. You are happy in your relationship, and it is not the same situation as previously. If you want to keep a bit of friendship, you need to be clear on what your boundaries are. Then you can block him if he continues.

Original poster
cheekyfucker21 · 08/08/2021 21:28

@QueenBee52

You responded to my comment in which I had said other have wrongly concluded I am enjoying the attention, by saying "your actions say otherwise". Nothing odd about me continuing to use the phrase of "enjoying attention" that a number of pps have already used.

OP posts:
UnGoogled · 08/08/2021 21:29

Fucking astronomical amount of victim blaming here.

Op has never engaged when the pervy bloke asks for pics. She hasn't blocked him, so she's to blame?! Typical bullshit, always taking the side of a man. This man, in particular, is married and knows OP had a baby and is happily back with her partner. But he still pesters her. She feels obligated to maintain a level of social niceties/contact. Pervy bloke is banking on that and clearly expects her to keep this exchange on the down low, so he can continue to perve with impunity.

It isn't OP's fault that the married man is a sex pest.

It isn't OP's fault.

Christ on a fucking bike.

Actupfishy · 08/08/2021 21:29

You definitely need to block and stop engaging with his fake chit chat, he is only doing that for one reason, to get some pics off of you, it’s actually harassment, for the love of god OP BLOCK HIM x

Original poster
cheekyfucker21 · 08/08/2021 21:29

How do you think 'Tom' will feel if he knew this man was pestering you like this,

He would get angry and I honestly don't need that to deal with.

OP posts:
TerraNovaTwo · 08/08/2021 21:29

Block the loser.

You would be amazed the wide range of (secret) perverts that are out there - 'happily' married, creepy loner to cocklodger boyfriend, etc, etc

BumbleMug · 08/08/2021 21:29

@cheekyfucker21 do you have a daughter? What would you advise her to do if a boy treated her this way? Should she block him or would she “deserve it” and should let it carry on to be polite?

Or do you have a son? Would you tell him it’s ok to treat girls this way? That they should tolerate his behaviour even though it’s disgusting? Would you want the girls not to be rude by blocking him so he can carry on being a sex pest?

Readjust your perspective OP.

Set a better example for your child.

Original poster
cheekyfucker21 · 08/08/2021 21:29

@Potatoy

I do disagree that OP has been encouraging him. But I do think after the first time OP was uncomfortable she should have said something. It is hard to speak up and I suppose he does have pictures of you in his possession. But it really is ok to just say stop, no more.

Thank you for understanding and having some empathy

OP posts:
PaddleBoardingMomma · 08/08/2021 21:29

@cheekyfucker21

How do you think 'Tom' will feel if he knew this man was pestering you like this,

He would get angry and I honestly don't need that to deal with.

Then why are you allowing it to continue
bobandhisburgers · 08/08/2021 21:30

@cheekyfucker21

How do you think 'Tom' will feel if he knew this man was pestering you like this,

He would get angry and I honestly don't need that to deal with.

So fucking block him then and stop fannying about with him!! It's not hard!
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 08/08/2021 21:30

Your thread title is:

To tell him to fuck right off?

Everyone has said tell him to fuck off/block him.

But you're now saying 'Oh don't want it to be awkward... can't tell people that.'

Just delete this thread. It's pointless.

QueenBee52 · 08/08/2021 21:30

that's unnecessary.

OP you really do need to block him though.

Probably.. but OP needs to see that this guy will be asking countless woman for Pics.. and will be storing them for his own purposes... or worse sharing them..

These are not decent guys ... they are seedy and just disrespect and use woman.

Strangely she will not Block the Rat, which makes me think she harbours feelings for him... sadly

Original poster
cheekyfucker21 · 08/08/2021 21:31

@UnGoogled

Fucking astronomical amount of victim blaming here.

Op has never engaged when the pervy bloke asks for pics. She hasn't blocked him, so she's to blame?! Typical bullshit, always taking the side of a man. This man, in particular, is married and knows OP had a baby and is happily back with her partner. But he still pesters her. She feels obligated to maintain a level of social niceties/contact. Pervy bloke is banking on that and clearly expects her to keep this exchange on the down low, so he can continue to perve with impunity.

It isn't OP's fault that the married man is a sex pest.

It isn't OP's fault.

Christ on a fucking bike.

Thank you. I thought I was going a bit mad there for a min tbh

OP posts:
Original poster
cheekyfucker21 · 08/08/2021 21:31

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy

Your thread title is:

To tell him to fuck right off?

Everyone has said tell him to fuck off/block him.

But you're now saying 'Oh don't want it to be awkward... can't tell people that.'

Just delete this thread. It's pointless.

No.

In saying that, I was responding to the repeated question of "why have you not done this already OP?!"

OP posts:
QueenBee52 · 08/08/2021 21:32

@UnGoogled

Fucking astronomical amount of victim blaming here.

Op has never engaged when the pervy bloke asks for pics. She hasn't blocked him, so she's to blame?! Typical bullshit, always taking the side of a man. This man, in particular, is married and knows OP had a baby and is happily back with her partner. But he still pesters her. She feels obligated to maintain a level of social niceties/contact. Pervy bloke is banking on that and clearly expects her to keep this exchange on the down low, so he can continue to perve with impunity.

It isn't OP's fault that the married man is a sex pest.

It isn't OP's fault.

Christ on a fucking bike.

its easy..

BLOCK

ChargingBuck · 08/08/2021 21:33

No I didn't see that. I didn't believe that doing and saying absolutely nothing in response gave him the green light to continue tbh

He doesn't agree.
Pushy twats don't respond to polite avoidances - they use them to keep pushing their agenda.

And I genuinely struggle to tell people to leave me alone who make me feel that way.
Because, for whatever reason, you have a GIANT problem with boundaries.
Here's a toolkit to fix that -
www.amazon.co.uk/Woman-Your-Own-Right-Assertiveness/dp/0704334208?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

  1. Watch the tea/consent video - several times
  2. Block the annoying twat
  3. Order the book linked above, & spend a lot of time reading it.

www.amazon.co.uk/Woman-Your-Own-Right-Assertiveness/dp/0704334208?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

Blossomtoes · 08/08/2021 21:33

Just fucking block him. It’s easy.

UnGoogled · 08/08/2021 21:33

I'm addressing the victim blaming. OP can do as she likes, she's not at fault. In any way. Whatsoever.

Original poster
cheekyfucker21 · 08/08/2021 21:33

@QueenBee52

I wonder if all the other woman he's asking for Pics, are still sending them too... I wonder where he ranks you ?

Sorry?

OP posts:
QueenBee52 · 08/08/2021 21:34

@UnGoogled

I'm addressing the victim blaming. OP can do as she likes, she's not at fault. In any way. Whatsoever.
Block...

problem solved.

ChaToilLeam · 08/08/2021 21:34

Only one way you can put a stop to this. Block him, you owe him nothing. Quite likely you are not the only one to be on the receiving end of his charming messages.