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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell him to fuck right off?

432 replies

cheekyfucker21 · 08/08/2021 20:31

Long story short ... my "teenage crush" from secondary school (let's call him Ben) is now apparently "happily" married with kids yet he continues to message me intermittently on social media asking for (more like demanding at times) naughty pics.

So as not to drip feed, here's the history to this ... Ben and I had a bit of a fling (occasional casual sex) back in our early 20s when both young and carefree. We are both now mid 30s. I'm now in a happy relationship of 6 years with let's call him Tom, and we have a baby; Ben is now married and to the rest of the world on social media presents as all loved up and happy. Over recent years he has popped up now and then with random "how are you" messages - fine; no problem. I'll reply to those. But a couple of years ago Tom and I went through a rough patch in our relationship and we temporarily split. We were apart for only 4-6 weeks or so. In that time Ben was in touch (he was not married at this time). This time the content of the chat was more sexual - a few pictures were exchanged. Not my proudest moment but I was in a shitty place emotionally with the split from Tom and had no idea at that stage how permanent that split would be. Anyway ... Tom and I worked things out and I stopped messaging Ben. He continued to message, I told him I was back with Tom... he didn't take the hint. So I ignored.

Fast forward to now (approx 3 years down the line from this). Tom and I have resolved the issues that caused the temporary split and we have a baby. We are happy. Ben popped up again recently on my messages having seen pictures I'd shared of new baby to say congratulations. I said thanks. Engaged in normal platonic chit chat. Said I notice you're married now, congratulations, etc. Didn't take him long however to return to comments along the lines of "missing" the pictures I used to send, or commenting on how "good" I look, etc. I began to ignore again.

Problem is - he just keeps messaging at random moments. Like the middle of the night saying things like "I'm drunk... would love to see another sexy pic" etc etc. He's bloody married now ffs and I'm happy with Tom and our new family. When I don't reply to his message and just delete it, I get another shortly after ..."come on, you know you want to...." etc.

At the moment I'm managing this by reading and deleting. I'm close to telling him to fuck off and blocking him but I don't want to be a dick about it because we've known each other since we were kids and we have some mutual friends. But honestly, I can't stand these constant demands from him!

Also, did I invite this by engaging with it in the brief time Tom and I split? I now feel responsible for it, somehow?

Wwyd?

OP posts:
Loudestcat14 · 09/08/2021 10:08

cheekyfucker21 Don't be embarrassed. This isn't someone you had a brief fling with and forgot, this is someone you've known since you were at school and there's a huge shared history with lots of mutual friends. It's complicated and compounded by him being a manipulative arsehole.

ChargingBuck · 09/08/2021 10:08

[quote pinkflamingo21]@cheekyfucker21 you feel good because you've hid your secret from your OH[/quote]
Stop with the harrassment campaign already - your projection is showing.

Usernamenotavailabletryanother · 09/08/2021 10:10

Any shame over this is his, not yours, OP.

If you bump into each other and it’s weird? His fault.

If his wife finds out? His fault.

If the friendship withers and dies? His fault.

Well done for blocking. Keeping him blocked will make your life better, but if you end up unblocking him and he does it again, it’ll still be his fault.

HJ40 · 09/08/2021 10:50

@cheekyfucker21

But he would have seen it was read and ignored?
Well given he's a twisted sicko, he probably would have thought you're lack of 'fuck off' meant you were waiting for more which is exactly what he did. Now his messages won't get through.

I agree with pp, IMHO, a deletion message is only visible if it's the sender who does the deleting.

TartanBonnet · 09/08/2021 11:07

With all due respect it seems like you're keeping Ben on the back burner just in case things don't work out with Tom!

As every PP has said BLOCK HIM!

But you don't want to appear rude. What a load of BS. You're acting like you're loving the attention.

Would you be happy if an ex of Tom's did this! I think not!

Weird weird post.

Original poster
cheekyfucker21 · 09/08/2021 11:15

@TartanBonnet

With all due respect it seems like you're keeping Ben on the back burner just in case things don't work out with Tom!

As every PP has said BLOCK HIM!

But you don't want to appear rude. What a load of BS. You're acting like you're loving the attention.

Would you be happy if an ex of Tom's did this! I think not!

Weird weird post.

You're a bit late to the party. He's been blocked.

Also, the "you're loving the attention" line has been done to death now by previous posters. It's getting boring.

This place, honestly. Wish there was a block button on this thread - I'd be exercising my newfound confidence and using it!!

OP posts:
Usernamenotavailabletryanother · 09/08/2021 11:29

@TartanBonnet

With all due respect it seems like you're keeping Ben on the back burner just in case things don't work out with Tom!

As every PP has said BLOCK HIM!

But you don't want to appear rude. What a load of BS. You're acting like you're loving the attention.

Would you be happy if an ex of Tom's did this! I think not!

Weird weird post.

Yeah, stop leading him on by not responding to him in any way. What a temptress Hmm

Jesus wept.

Original poster
cheekyfucker21 · 09/08/2021 11:39

@Usernamenotavailabletryanother

I know! Madness.

Also had a little laugh to myself about "keeping Ben on the back burner" just in case my current relationship doesn't work out. Yeah. Because what a catch and a half he would be! Give it 5 mins before he's messaging other women for pics of their tits at midnight 🙄

He's a total loser and it's taken this thread for me to realise it. I can't believe I slept with him Blush

OP posts:
Usernamenotavailabletryanother · 09/08/2021 11:54

I don’t think there’s enough space on the internet for us all to post about the losers we’ve slept with Grin

Crocky · 09/08/2021 12:29

@cheekyfucker21 stop that now 😁 you are trying to turn the fault back on yourself again. You are going to knock that new found confidence.

Crocky · 09/08/2021 12:30

That was supposed to be a smile but looks like a grimace 🤣

Whyo · 09/08/2021 12:35

Well done for blocking! I was in a similar situation when I was younger. Girls and then women are conditioned to be “nice” and not offend and it took me a long time to learn to tell people to fuck off when they deserve it.

Some of these comments are ridiculous.

thenightsky · 09/08/2021 12:47

Social conditioning of women has a lot to answer for... Always be nice, always be polite regardless of consequences

This ^

TheTallOakTrees · 09/08/2021 13:06

@icedcoffees

Just block him.

I don't understand why you haven't done so.

This.

You are old enough to understand what he is doing. You know it is wrong. Why are you dangling him (he is waiting for you to send a pic as you did before and since you haven't said bugger off he thinks he has a chance). Eg boost is it? Just block him.

TheTallOakTrees · 09/08/2021 13:08

TartanBonnet
With all due respect it seems like you're keeping Ben on the back burner just in case things don't work out with Tom!
As every PP has said BLOCK HIM!
But you don't want to appear rude. What a load of BS. You're acting like you're loving the attention.
Would you be happy if an ex of Tom's did this! I think not!
Weird weird post.

I know exactly where you are coming from. I had a friend that would moan men kept chasing her and she 'wasn't interested' but she never actually said so. How hard is it to say 'not interested stop contacting me'.

Original poster
cheekyfucker21 · 09/08/2021 13:21

@TheTallOakTrees

Helpful contribution, thank you.

🙄

OP posts:
Original poster
cheekyfucker21 · 09/08/2021 13:21

Also @TheTallOakTrees "dangling him"?! By ignoring him? Wtf ?!

OP posts:
Derbee · 09/08/2021 14:20

[quote cheekyfucker21]@QueenBee52

My actions are ignoring and deleting. How does that indicate that I love the attention? [/quote]
OP, sorry but your actions are chatting when he says hi, and making polite conversation. You KNOW where the conversation is eventually headed, but you allow yourself to be a willing participant in the whole chain of events, even though it inevitably makes you uncomfortable. You need to stop the “friendly conversations” before they reach the point of asking for photos, if you won’t block or ignore

phishy · 09/08/2021 14:34

This place, honestly. Wish there was a block button on this thread - I'd be exercising my newfound confidence and using it!!

Love this response, OP!

MilesOfSand · 09/08/2021 15:10

[quote pinkflamingo21]@cheekyfucker21 you feel good because you've hid your secret from your OH[/quote]
You’re as bad as the guy messaging her. It’s unfortunate she can’t block you. Boundaries, indeed.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 09/08/2021 16:44

Wish there was a block button on this thread

You do know you don't have to keep posting on here?

Just delete the thread.

Plumtree391 · 09/08/2021 16:56

Just move on now, CF. It's already in the past.

Original poster
cheekyfucker21 · 09/08/2021 16:59

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy

Wish there was a block button on this thread

You do know you don't have to keep posting on here?

Just delete the thread.

You do know you don't have to keep posting either.

And that between your comments and those of @pinkflamingo21 you have both been just about as unhelpful as a person possibly can be.

And also, that you can't just command a stranger on the Internet to delete something.

OP posts:
Original poster
cheekyfucker21 · 09/08/2021 17:00

@Plumtree391

Just move on now, CF. It's already in the past.

Thank you - I have. Smile

OP posts:
Plumtree391 · 09/08/2021 19:57

Excellent.