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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell him to fuck right off?

432 replies

cheekyfucker21 · 08/08/2021 20:31

Long story short ... my "teenage crush" from secondary school (let's call him Ben) is now apparently "happily" married with kids yet he continues to message me intermittently on social media asking for (more like demanding at times) naughty pics.

So as not to drip feed, here's the history to this ... Ben and I had a bit of a fling (occasional casual sex) back in our early 20s when both young and carefree. We are both now mid 30s. I'm now in a happy relationship of 6 years with let's call him Tom, and we have a baby; Ben is now married and to the rest of the world on social media presents as all loved up and happy. Over recent years he has popped up now and then with random "how are you" messages - fine; no problem. I'll reply to those. But a couple of years ago Tom and I went through a rough patch in our relationship and we temporarily split. We were apart for only 4-6 weeks or so. In that time Ben was in touch (he was not married at this time). This time the content of the chat was more sexual - a few pictures were exchanged. Not my proudest moment but I was in a shitty place emotionally with the split from Tom and had no idea at that stage how permanent that split would be. Anyway ... Tom and I worked things out and I stopped messaging Ben. He continued to message, I told him I was back with Tom... he didn't take the hint. So I ignored.

Fast forward to now (approx 3 years down the line from this). Tom and I have resolved the issues that caused the temporary split and we have a baby. We are happy. Ben popped up again recently on my messages having seen pictures I'd shared of new baby to say congratulations. I said thanks. Engaged in normal platonic chit chat. Said I notice you're married now, congratulations, etc. Didn't take him long however to return to comments along the lines of "missing" the pictures I used to send, or commenting on how "good" I look, etc. I began to ignore again.

Problem is - he just keeps messaging at random moments. Like the middle of the night saying things like "I'm drunk... would love to see another sexy pic" etc etc. He's bloody married now ffs and I'm happy with Tom and our new family. When I don't reply to his message and just delete it, I get another shortly after ..."come on, you know you want to...." etc.

At the moment I'm managing this by reading and deleting. I'm close to telling him to fuck off and blocking him but I don't want to be a dick about it because we've known each other since we were kids and we have some mutual friends. But honestly, I can't stand these constant demands from him!

Also, did I invite this by engaging with it in the brief time Tom and I split? I now feel responsible for it, somehow?

Wwyd?

OP posts:
HJ40 · 09/08/2021 08:53

Oh FFS. Just because she didn't ask for it to stop, didn't mean she was asking for it. Of course it bloody doesn't. But she hadn't done anything to say she was uncomfortable about it. And once upon a time she was comfortable with it. She hadn't told him she now wasn't, fine, she didn't feel able to. No reasonable person would criticise her for that. But she could have told her DP, she could have called the police, she could have reported it on Facebook, she could have told a friend. Hell, she even could have blocked him.

Yes he's a shit and he shouldn't be doing it. No she didn't encourage it but it's not victim blaming to say she could have done something.

Anyway she did do something, she asked mn and now he's blocked.

phishy · 09/08/2021 08:54

@MilesOfSand

While I agree she should block him, not asking for pictures does not equal ‘asking for them’ or, in fact, ‘asking for it.’

Saying that OP has to address the harassment is not saying she is asking for it.

Some good advice on this website:

The nature of harassment means that if you fail to address the harassing behaviour, it will continue. This is because the harasser gets their sense of power by your acceptance of the harassment.

The only way to ensure that the unwanted behaviour discontinues is that you directly ask the perpetrator to stop the unwanted behaviour. For example, "Please do not touch me/speak to me in that way; I consider it to be unacceptable. Please do not do that again."

www.educationsupport.org.uk/resources/factsheets/how-deal-bullying-or-harassment-workplace

Loudestcat14 · 09/08/2021 08:59

HJ40 I'd argue that she did do something by deleting the messages and not responding. The sex pest friend would have seen her do that every single time because he's been contacting her through social media, so the deletion would be visible to him, unlike if he'd just texted. So no, not an emphatic 'leave me alone' or asking others for help, but she did do something that showed him she wasn't interested.

HJ40 · 09/08/2021 09:01

@Loudestcat14 Fair point, I wasn't aware message deletion would be visible.

phishy · 09/08/2021 09:02

@Loudestcat14 are you sure the sender can see when his message has been deleted by the recipient? Seems unusual?

Original poster
cheekyfucker21 · 09/08/2021 09:08

Just reading through some more of these messages this morning.

@Loudestcat14 is correct, by deleting and not responding I assumed he would see I had done so, and get the hint so to speak. Turns out he's far more arrogant than that. I see that now.

Those saying I could have reported for harrrassment, the issue with that is I didn't see this as harassment at the time. That's because my own boundaries are "off" shall we say when it comes to men I have slept with. It's hard to explain, but I struggle to say "no I'm not interested anymore leave me alone" to a man I have previously been intimate with. It relates to a horrible childhood event I think, which I don't wish to go into here.

Anyway this thread has helped me to see that he is not a nice person and I need to address my difficulties with telling men to fuck off. I have blocked him as I've already said, so it's a start.

Just to say as well - sometimes he would text something completely innocuous and it wouldn't progress to sexual every time, like while I was pregnant he messaged to say he was out with mates in my home town (a few hundred miles from where he lives) and was asking for recommendations for bars etc. That chat was fine, I responded and he didn't progress to anything more. He wished me luck with the baby etc.

So the most recent one when he text middle of night while I was awake feeding baby, he saw j was online on FB as I was obviously awake and he messaged "you must be shattered not getting any sleep at the moment with the baby". I was pulled into answering because it can be v lonely awake feeding in the night as I'm sure many people know. I replied yes I'm exhausted! Thinking well the last chat with him was fine; this will be. Anyway he then progressed to "any more pics for me? I'm a little drunk....." I was sat there like this Shock, thinking you absolute cheeky fucker I'm sitting here feeding my baby and you're asking me for pics because you're drunk?! I was so upset and angry at that point, it's that message that prompted me to come on here to ask what others would do.

Anyway..... thanks to those who helped me. It's much appreciated. I feel empowered this morning knowing he can't breach my boundaries anymore.

OP posts:
Loudestcat14 · 09/08/2021 09:12

[quote phishy]@Loudestcat14 are you sure the sender can see when his message has been deleted by the recipient? Seems unusual?[/quote]
Yes – if you delete a message from FB messenger, IG and Twitter DMs and WA it leaves a comment saying either 'message has been deleted' or 'xxxx has removed comment'.

Original poster
cheekyfucker21 · 09/08/2021 09:15

Also after ignoring that message and coming off FB thinking if he sees I'm offline he'll bugger off, I then woke up later to 3 more messages, about one hour apart each... one saying "how's things with your fella now you've had a baby? Still good I hope?"; next one: "you've got loads more pics, I know you have"; next one: "you awake??"

I ignored all and deleted in the morning. Then contemplated either speaking to my OH as it had annoyed me so much, or come on here to see what others would do. I chose the latter. But I feel like I still want to tell my OH because it's just pissed me off so much. I was quieter than normal yesterday and he kept asking what was wrong so he's not daft. Do I tell him?!

OP posts:
phishy · 09/08/2021 09:15

by deleting and not responding I assumed he would see I had done so, and get the hint so to speak.

But do you know or are you assuming? Is this FB? FB doesn’t have a feature where the sender sees that recipient has deleted the message that I’m aware of?

phishy · 09/08/2021 09:15

I’m glad you’ve blocked him OP.

Loudestcat14 · 09/08/2021 09:16

cheekyfucker21 I'm sorry you felt you had to come back to explain yourself again when you've done nothing wrong! We all deal with situations differently but it was quite astonishing the slagging off you got because you struggle with boundaries. Such a lack of empathy from PP. I'm glad that you've been empowered to block him now. Flowers

phishy · 09/08/2021 09:17

X-post. I thought you had blocked him.

Message him:

‘Please do not touch speak to me in that way; I consider it to be unacceptable. Please don’t message me again.’

And then block him.

Loudestcat14 · 09/08/2021 09:18

@phishy

by deleting and not responding I assumed he would see I had done so, and get the hint so to speak.

But do you know or are you assuming? Is this FB? FB doesn’t have a feature where the sender sees that recipient has deleted the message that I’m aware of?

This is what comes up on Messenger when you delete a comment - the recipients will be able to see that you've deleted something.
To tell him to fuck right off?
Original poster
cheekyfucker21 · 09/08/2021 09:18

@Loudestcat14

Thank you.

Honestly the one that upset me the most was "how's things with your fella now you've had a baby". It's like he wanted me to say actually things are shit now, we're splitting up again, please come and shag me 🙄 The more I think about it, the more angry I get tbh at how arrogant he is. And how stupid I feel for seeing him as a "mate" all this time. Embarrassing.

OP posts:
phishy · 09/08/2021 09:19

@Loudestcat14 that’s different, that’s about in sending a message you’ve sent.

That doesn’t show that if OP deleted the message, he will see she has deleted it?

Original poster
cheekyfucker21 · 09/08/2021 09:19

@phishy

X-post. I thought you had blocked him.

Message him:

‘Please do not touch speak to me in that way; I consider it to be unacceptable. Please don’t message me again.’

And then block him.

Yes I have blocked him. I was explaining the content of the 4 inappropriate messages I received the night prior to last - the messages that prompted me to come on here and ask for advice

OP posts:
phishy · 09/08/2021 09:21

Ah, I see. Glad he’s blocked!

saraclara · 09/08/2021 09:23

As far as I know, the other person only sees that you've deleted something if you've deleted YOUR OWN post. Not if you delete one of theirs.

phishy · 09/08/2021 09:24

I think that’s right saraclara.

Original poster
cheekyfucker21 · 09/08/2021 09:26

But he would have seen it was read and ignored?

OP posts:
Crocky · 09/08/2021 09:37

@cheekyfucker21 bloody well done on blocking him. I know exactly what you mean about boundaries but you did it!
He is not a nice person.

saraclara · 09/08/2021 09:38

Well he would have seen that you didn't answer it of course. But that's all. Nothing you did made it clear that you didn't want to see the message or were annoyed that he'd sent it.

Original poster
cheekyfucker21 · 09/08/2021 09:42

[quote Crocky]@cheekyfucker21 bloody well done on blocking him. I know exactly what you mean about boundaries but you did it!
He is not a nice person.[/quote]

Thank you. I see that now. I think it's harder when you've known someone since you were a kid and went to school together etc - I suppose I had a skewed perception of who he was.

OP posts:
Chloemol · 09/08/2021 09:46

Block

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 09/08/2021 09:49

@ChargingBuck

I chat like I would a mate iyswim

For goodness sake get a grip. HE IS NOT YOUR MATE.
He's a grubby little sleazebag who wants to wank off to pics of your tits.

OK? Got it yet?
He is disgusting, why would you feel you owe him social niceties?

This is bang on....

Stop being nice to someone is a harassing sleaze bag.

Social conditioning of women has a lot to answer for... Always be nice, always be polite regardless of consequences ... No!
You need to kick this guy into touch.
He is NOT your mate.... How many of your other mates harass you for pics to wank over.he shows no interest in your life apart from this... You know what real mates do.

Your boundaries are all over the place.