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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell him to fuck right off?

432 replies

cheekyfucker21 · 08/08/2021 20:31

Long story short ... my "teenage crush" from secondary school (let's call him Ben) is now apparently "happily" married with kids yet he continues to message me intermittently on social media asking for (more like demanding at times) naughty pics.

So as not to drip feed, here's the history to this ... Ben and I had a bit of a fling (occasional casual sex) back in our early 20s when both young and carefree. We are both now mid 30s. I'm now in a happy relationship of 6 years with let's call him Tom, and we have a baby; Ben is now married and to the rest of the world on social media presents as all loved up and happy. Over recent years he has popped up now and then with random "how are you" messages - fine; no problem. I'll reply to those. But a couple of years ago Tom and I went through a rough patch in our relationship and we temporarily split. We were apart for only 4-6 weeks or so. In that time Ben was in touch (he was not married at this time). This time the content of the chat was more sexual - a few pictures were exchanged. Not my proudest moment but I was in a shitty place emotionally with the split from Tom and had no idea at that stage how permanent that split would be. Anyway ... Tom and I worked things out and I stopped messaging Ben. He continued to message, I told him I was back with Tom... he didn't take the hint. So I ignored.

Fast forward to now (approx 3 years down the line from this). Tom and I have resolved the issues that caused the temporary split and we have a baby. We are happy. Ben popped up again recently on my messages having seen pictures I'd shared of new baby to say congratulations. I said thanks. Engaged in normal platonic chit chat. Said I notice you're married now, congratulations, etc. Didn't take him long however to return to comments along the lines of "missing" the pictures I used to send, or commenting on how "good" I look, etc. I began to ignore again.

Problem is - he just keeps messaging at random moments. Like the middle of the night saying things like "I'm drunk... would love to see another sexy pic" etc etc. He's bloody married now ffs and I'm happy with Tom and our new family. When I don't reply to his message and just delete it, I get another shortly after ..."come on, you know you want to...." etc.

At the moment I'm managing this by reading and deleting. I'm close to telling him to fuck off and blocking him but I don't want to be a dick about it because we've known each other since we were kids and we have some mutual friends. But honestly, I can't stand these constant demands from him!

Also, did I invite this by engaging with it in the brief time Tom and I split? I now feel responsible for it, somehow?

Wwyd?

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 08/08/2021 23:14

@rosinavera

Right? It's honestly so disappointing after the support some of us gave that poster and the reassurance her feelings were valid and she wasn't pathetic (something she labelled herself as) for wanting to stay with an abusive man who bruises her through assaults... that she would then so aggressively go after another poster again and again when their point of view has already been made clear.

TableDesk · 08/08/2021 23:14

@cheekyfucker21 your post has actually made me think further.

I've also had to block a window cleaner and a trades person (actually think there was one more but can't remember) for similar reasons. From Hello how's you..>To>>...Sex pest Envy
I gave these men a warning & told them any more I'd be blocking them if any more inappropriate chat. They continued, full well knowing that I wasn't reciprocating, so blocked. I didn't feel the awkwardness however because there was no history.

I'm currently not in a relationship and to be honest these' happily' married men are really making me question if I want to ever be in a relationship again. They all portray the happy married family who love their wives online and also in real life. Then they get up to this Hmm

One in particular sticks out a mile. His wife is stunning. I mean beautiful. And she sounds like a lovely person too. I however am pretty damn plain & a grumpy fucker, I don't even see the appeal myself! Why would someone jeopardise this?!

I know what you mean about sharing it, just so someone can reiterate that it's not our faults, even though we think it is

youvegottenminuteslynn · 08/08/2021 23:15

[quote pinkflamingo21]@youvegottenminuteslynn at least I'm loyal though[/quote]
You're welcome, by the way. For the support, advice and signposting me and other posters shared as we were worried for you and wanted to help you get safe. Wow.

rosinavera · 08/08/2021 23:17

[quote youvegottenminuteslynn]@rosinavera

Right? It's honestly so disappointing after the support some of us gave that poster and the reassurance her feelings were valid and she wasn't pathetic (something she labelled herself as) for wanting to stay with an abusive man who bruises her through assaults... that she would then so aggressively go after another poster again and again when their point of view has already been made clear. [/quote]
I haven't read the thread you're referring to @youvegottenminuteslynn so can't comment on that but I'm astonished at how she seems to be hounding OP x

TableDesk · 08/08/2021 23:18

OK let's not de-rail @cheekyfucker21 's thread.

I have to admit, im getting a lot from it too

Vivi0 · 08/08/2021 23:21

@Loudestcat14

If my husband was deleting sexual messages he had been receiving, yet was still engaging with the person intermittently over a number of years, and had never told me about it, I would be devastated.

You're twisting her situation to suit your argument though. OP posted to complain that the sex pest friend has been messaging again her since she had her baby and she has stated she's been deleting said messages and has ignored them. She is not engaging. Yes, they have known each other for years and have a history, but what exactly is she doing that is deceitful now?

I’m not twisting fuck all.

The OP does engage with the messages when they are not sexual, but deletes and ignores the sexual ones.

I’ve got no point to make here other than if my husband was in the OP’s position, the trust would be utterly shattered between us.

The OP clearly has reasons for her lack of boundaries, but no one should be shamed for stating that they find the OP’s lack of boundaries as disrespectful and deceitful towards her partner.

farmhouseloving · 08/08/2021 23:21

Maybe @pinkflamingo21 thinks that if she is doing wrong then she might get abused like she is? Not sure just thinking of their thoughts maybe

youvegottenminuteslynn · 08/08/2021 23:23

@farmhouseloving

Maybe *@pinkflamingo21* thinks that if she is doing wrong then she might get abused like she is? Not sure just thinking of their thoughts maybe
Perhaps. That's a good shout actually, it would make sense if they've been trained by an abuser. It's so sad seeing someone who has been so lifted up on here be so intent on bringing others down and hammering home the point. Theres making a point and there's bullying. Really disappointing.
Loudestcat14 · 08/08/2021 23:26

The OP clearly has reasons for her lack of boundaries, but no one should be shamed for stating that they find the OP’s lack of boundaries as disrespectful and deceitful towards her partner.

People don't want to be shamed for stating their opinion but it's okay for them to shame – and bully – the OP because she is struggling to put boundaries in place? Zero empathy and double standards ahoy!

ThinWomansBrain · 08/08/2021 23:36

I haven't blocked because I feel like that would make me a bit of dick somehow
He is the one behaving like a dick for hassling you for sexual images when you've not been in a relationship for many years and you both have partners.
Send his wife a screenshot of his texts if you don't fancy blocking him.

Vivi0 · 08/08/2021 23:37

@Loudestcat14

The OP clearly has reasons for her lack of boundaries, but no one should be shamed for stating that they find the OP’s lack of boundaries as disrespectful and deceitful towards her partner.

People don't want to be shamed for stating their opinion but it's okay for them to shame – and bully – the OP because she is struggling to put boundaries in place? Zero empathy and double standards ahoy!

Have I shamed or bullied the OP?

I made one comment to the OP saying that if I were in her husband’s position the trust in our relationship would be shattered.

The OP may be struggling to put boundaries in place, but the situation is going to hurt her husband if he finds outs, regardless of the reason the OP has such poor boundaries.

Vivi0 · 08/08/2021 23:38

*out

Loudestcat14 · 08/08/2021 23:49

Vivi0 I'm not saying you specifically have shame and bullied her but some of the replies on this thread have hammered OP for being in the wrong and I think posters are being massively unfair.

This is a new mum who is struggling to tell her sex pest friend to leave her alone when he texts her in the middle of the night demanding nude pix and somehow the narrative has become all about her going behind her partner's back and how disgraceful she is. Really?!!!

That's not a comment aimed at you BTW, but at the responses in general.

farmhouseloving · 08/08/2021 23:53

Well done for blocking him

thelionqwueen · 09/08/2021 00:00

Your an adult, how can you not figure this out for yourself?.. And - stop sending pictures of yourself ffs.

MilesOfSand · 09/08/2021 00:08

@phishy

No, we’re not missing the fact that you don’t respond and I believe you. But by never having asked him to stop, that’s tacit encouragement to him to keep messaging you asking for pics. Do you seriously not see that?
While I agree she should block him, not asking for pictures does not equal ‘asking for them’ or, in fact, ‘asking for it.’
miltonj · 09/08/2021 00:13

Obviously just block him. This could potentially be damaging to your family. Put your family above your feeling of 'not wanting to be a dick' to Ben.

miltonj · 09/08/2021 00:22

Well done for blocking Smile

Loudestcat14 · 09/08/2021 07:12

thelionqwueen, RTFT, FFS – she doesn't send pictures back to him.

Loudestcat14 · 09/08/2021 07:21

MilesOfSand Exactly! You wouldn't say to a woman who's been raped that because she was too scared to say 'no' she must've wanted it to happen or was asking for it, so why is it a different scenario for a woman who is being sexually harassed?

SuperSange · 09/08/2021 07:46

@UnGoogled

Fucking astronomical amount of victim blaming here.

Op has never engaged when the pervy bloke asks for pics. She hasn't blocked him, so she's to blame?! Typical bullshit, always taking the side of a man. This man, in particular, is married and knows OP had a baby and is happily back with her partner. But he still pesters her. She feels obligated to maintain a level of social niceties/contact. Pervy bloke is banking on that and clearly expects her to keep this exchange on the down low, so he can continue to perve with impunity.

It isn't OP's fault that the married man is a sex pest.

It isn't OP's fault.

Christ on a fucking bike.

It's not victim blaming to point out that acting the same way repeatedly will not change the outcome. The OP does bear some responsibility here. She knows when he messages that the chat will turn sexual. She's hiding this from her husband. Of course he shouldn't be doing it; that much is obvious. But in a court of law, she couldn't swear that she asked him to stop at any point. That's the difference. She hasn't asked him to stop, so in his tiny little mind, he has the green light to continue.
SuperSange · 09/08/2021 07:49

@UnGoogled

Good lord.

She hasn't reacted to or responded to or reciprocated any sexual messages. Ffs.

She's sent him pics?
Loudestcat14 · 09/08/2021 08:22

SuperSange No she hasn't! Not since she's been reunited with her partner and had a baby. She did exchange pix years ago when she and sex pest friend briefly dated, when she was separated from her partner and he was single. Quite how that makes her at fault now god knows.

I am totally with Ungoogled. It's appalling to see so many women justify sex pest man's sexual harassment just because OP has been too anxious to block him. She hasn't engaged with his demands, she deletes the messages, and yet somehow it's her fault, like she's asking for it.

SuperSange · 09/08/2021 08:27

@Loudestcat14

SuperSange No she hasn't! Not since she's been reunited with her partner and had a baby. She did exchange pix years ago when she and sex pest friend briefly dated, when she was separated from her partner and he was single. Quite how that makes her at fault now god knows.

I am totally with Ungoogled. It's appalling to see so many women justify sex pest man's sexual harassment just because OP has been too anxious to block him. She hasn't engaged with his demands, she deletes the messages, and yet somehow it's her fault, like she's asking for it.

So he has pics of her then. 🙄. Doesn't really matter when they're from, does it?
Loudestcat14 · 09/08/2021 08:32

SuperSange Of course it matters! Your argument is that this sex pest friend has the right to harass and distress OP because they once slept together and shared photos? Would that be your argument if an ex of yours started sexually hassling you – "oh but he's allowed because we once shagged"??? Bloody hell.