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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell him to fuck right off?

432 replies

cheekyfucker21 · 08/08/2021 20:31

Long story short ... my "teenage crush" from secondary school (let's call him Ben) is now apparently "happily" married with kids yet he continues to message me intermittently on social media asking for (more like demanding at times) naughty pics.

So as not to drip feed, here's the history to this ... Ben and I had a bit of a fling (occasional casual sex) back in our early 20s when both young and carefree. We are both now mid 30s. I'm now in a happy relationship of 6 years with let's call him Tom, and we have a baby; Ben is now married and to the rest of the world on social media presents as all loved up and happy. Over recent years he has popped up now and then with random "how are you" messages - fine; no problem. I'll reply to those. But a couple of years ago Tom and I went through a rough patch in our relationship and we temporarily split. We were apart for only 4-6 weeks or so. In that time Ben was in touch (he was not married at this time). This time the content of the chat was more sexual - a few pictures were exchanged. Not my proudest moment but I was in a shitty place emotionally with the split from Tom and had no idea at that stage how permanent that split would be. Anyway ... Tom and I worked things out and I stopped messaging Ben. He continued to message, I told him I was back with Tom... he didn't take the hint. So I ignored.

Fast forward to now (approx 3 years down the line from this). Tom and I have resolved the issues that caused the temporary split and we have a baby. We are happy. Ben popped up again recently on my messages having seen pictures I'd shared of new baby to say congratulations. I said thanks. Engaged in normal platonic chit chat. Said I notice you're married now, congratulations, etc. Didn't take him long however to return to comments along the lines of "missing" the pictures I used to send, or commenting on how "good" I look, etc. I began to ignore again.

Problem is - he just keeps messaging at random moments. Like the middle of the night saying things like "I'm drunk... would love to see another sexy pic" etc etc. He's bloody married now ffs and I'm happy with Tom and our new family. When I don't reply to his message and just delete it, I get another shortly after ..."come on, you know you want to...." etc.

At the moment I'm managing this by reading and deleting. I'm close to telling him to fuck off and blocking him but I don't want to be a dick about it because we've known each other since we were kids and we have some mutual friends. But honestly, I can't stand these constant demands from him!

Also, did I invite this by engaging with it in the brief time Tom and I split? I now feel responsible for it, somehow?

Wwyd?

OP posts:
Original poster
cheekyfucker21 · 08/08/2021 22:52

@Plumtree391

cheekyfucker: Quite possibly yes. I do find it difficult to tell people to get lost when they make me uncomfortable. I've always struggled with that . .........

For what it's worth, I used to be exactly the same in different situations. When I look back I can't understand why but I think I felt 'they didn't really mean it', 'deserved a chance', or whatever.

You'll be fine.

To whoever said it's been going on 'for years', I didn't get that impression. However the op came on here for support, it doesn't cost us anything to give her that.

Thank you. No it hasn't been going on "for years". He pops up now and again, very intermittently and randomly, so intermittently in fact that I forget about it in between times!

Anyways he won't be popping up again now will he Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
cheekyfucker21 · 08/08/2021 22:52

@rosinavera

Well done OP - you've done really well! x

Thank you! I feel good actually

OP posts:
pinkflamingo21 · 08/08/2021 22:53

@cheekyfucker21 you feel good because you've hid your secret from your OH

Original poster
cheekyfucker21 · 08/08/2021 22:53

@ChargingBuck

I actually feel really good, for asserting boundaries with a man which is something I find really hard. It's a good feeling!

Nice one Cheeky - ride that wave!

& please keep riding it, with the respouces & counselling style referenced upthread.
If you do that, you will look back in a year & marvel at how far you have come :)
More power to your blocking finger, & your forthcoming ability to tell men to fuck right off because you no longer take that shit. Grin Grin

Gin Wine Star

Thank you! Your responses and @UnGoogled were immensely helpful, honestly.

OP posts:
Original poster
cheekyfucker21 · 08/08/2021 22:54

@Blinky21

He's harassing you but you don't want to make him feel awkward

Shit what childhood trauma does to you, isn't it.

OP posts:
earthyfire · 08/08/2021 22:55

Too many if buts and whys. I would have deleted him a long time ago.

TableDesk · 08/08/2021 22:56

@cheekyfucker21

I haven't blocked him because the messages aren't constant - if they were I definitely would have. He just pops up now and again and usually it starts as "hi how are you" so I chat like I would a mate iyswim, then he chances his luck part way through the conversation with reference to either how I look or the pics I sent him in the past etc ... that's when I just ignore in the hope of shutting it down. Which I suppose works until next time. Urgh I don't know. I'm not being assertive enough I suppose
@cheekyfucker21 I could have written your above message. I have about 5 or 6 old flames, like from teenage early 20s that will pop up now again with same hi how are you stuff & then chance their luck for some filthy chat. All are "happily" married Hmm I really struggle to see if I'm to blame but I zero encourage, it doesn't stop them trying though. I also haven't blocked as I'm scared of looking like a dick 'who cant take a joke' Hmm

Sympathies for you Flowers

Original poster
cheekyfucker21 · 08/08/2021 22:57

@TableDesk

Sorry to hear you have similar struggles but it makes me feel less alone. I do feel good to have taken back control and blocked him, though

OP posts:
Loudestcat14 · 08/08/2021 22:57

Christ almighty, the amount of victim blaming on this thread is insane. OP is a new mother who has felt too uncomfortable to confront her sex pest friend head on and instead has tried to ignore him and PP are accusing her of cheating on her partner, being deceitful, enjoying the attention, being sexually provocative (how you can do that when you don't actually send any answer in reply I'd love to know). Shame on all you women who think she's in the wrong and not the arsehole harassing her in the middle of the night while his wife's probably asleep beside him asking to see pix of her privates. Seriously, give your heads a collective wobble.

UnGoogled · 08/08/2021 22:59

@Loudestcat14

Christ almighty, the amount of victim blaming on this thread is insane. OP is a new mother who has felt too uncomfortable to confront her sex pest friend head on and instead has tried to ignore him and PP are accusing her of cheating on her partner, being deceitful, enjoying the attention, being sexually provocative (how you can do that when you don't actually send any answer in reply I'd love to know). Shame on all you women who think she's in the wrong and not the arsehole harassing her in the middle of the night while his wife's probably asleep beside him asking to see pix of her privates. Seriously, give your heads a collective wobble.
Exactly this!
AwaAnBileYerHeid · 08/08/2021 23:01

You both acted shitty, exchanging photos while he was spoken for. He has acted more shitty though. Just block him, I don't get what the big deal is.

Mulhollandmagoo · 08/08/2021 23:03

Men like him make me want to vomit!!! How entitled that he thinks getting pissed and messaging 'for sexy pics 😉' will make you rip all your clothes off and knock up a quick photoshoot for his viewing pleasure 🤢

You absolutely did the right thing by blocking him, and if you do happen to see him at a reunion or meet up be as brazen as him, if he asks why you blocked him, reply simply 'you were being a sex pest and it made me uncomfortable' loud enough for everyone to hear

Original poster
cheekyfucker21 · 08/08/2021 23:04

@AwaAnBileYerHeid

You both acted shitty, exchanging photos while he was spoken for. He has acted more shitty though. Just block him, I don't get what the big deal is.

He wasn't married when we were exchanging photos.

OP posts:
Vivi0 · 08/08/2021 23:05

@Loudestcat14

Christ almighty, the amount of victim blaming on this thread is insane. OP is a new mother who has felt too uncomfortable to confront her sex pest friend head on and instead has tried to ignore him and PP are accusing her of cheating on her partner, being deceitful, enjoying the attention, being sexually provocative (how you can do that when you don't actually send any answer in reply I'd love to know). Shame on all you women who think she's in the wrong and not the arsehole harassing her in the middle of the night while his wife's probably asleep beside him asking to see pix of her privates. Seriously, give your heads a collective wobble.
I am of the view that the OP has been deceitful towards her partner. It’s not victim blaming at all.

If my husband was deleting sexual messages he had been receiving, yet was still engaging with the person intermittently over a number of years, and had never told me about it, I would be devastated.

OP clearly has her reasons for not blocking this man, but it is still deceitful towards her partner and no one should be shamed for stating that they would not remain in a relationship with a person with such poor boundaries, regardless of the reason for those poor boundaries.

Original poster
cheekyfucker21 · 08/08/2021 23:05

@Loudestcat14

Christ almighty, the amount of victim blaming on this thread is insane. OP is a new mother who has felt too uncomfortable to confront her sex pest friend head on and instead has tried to ignore him and PP are accusing her of cheating on her partner, being deceitful, enjoying the attention, being sexually provocative (how you can do that when you don't actually send any answer in reply I'd love to know). Shame on all you women who think she's in the wrong and not the arsehole harassing her in the middle of the night while his wife's probably asleep beside him asking to see pix of her privates. Seriously, give your heads a collective wobble.

Thank you. I was really struggling with the idea of how I encouraged him or "engaged" with the sexual chat by ignoring him completely Confused

OP posts:
Karwomannghia · 08/08/2021 23:06

Well done for asserting yourself, it is hard to accept that someone you got along with in the past has started to harass you, but that what he has been doing and you are absolutely right to put a stop to it and not be polite or even speak to him again.

pinkflamingo21 · 08/08/2021 23:06

@cheekyfucker21 if you wasn't in the wrong the tell your OH the truth about the pictures

youvegottenminuteslynn · 08/08/2021 23:06

[quote pinkflamingo21]@cheekyfucker21 you feel good because you've hid your secret from your OH[/quote]
You've had so much support on here the last couple of days that I find it really strange you're relentlessly gunning for another poster tbh. You realise the complicated nature of relationships, of how wrongdoing can affect people. People could have gone for you and said well you aren't leaving your abusive partner so you must enjoy the drama on some level, but because that isn't true and would be a thoughtless and cruel thing to say, people havent. They've supported uou, signposted you to services to help, offered advice. It would be mature and decent of you to therefore be less likely to bully posters when you've made your point / position perfectly clear on this thread. It's really disappointing and unnecessary of you.

pinkflamingo21 · 08/08/2021 23:08

@youvegottenminuteslynn at least I'm loyal though

phishy · 08/08/2021 23:09

[quote pinkflamingo21]@cheekyfucker21 if you wasn't in the wrong the tell your OH the truth about the pictures[/quote]
Why should she? The pictures were sent whilst she had broken up with her partner.

Original poster
cheekyfucker21 · 08/08/2021 23:10

@youvegottenminuteslynn

Thank you for your support. I am choosing not to engage with posters who are very clearly intent on bullying.

OP posts:
Loudestcat14 · 08/08/2021 23:12

If my husband was deleting sexual messages he had been receiving, yet was still engaging with the person intermittently over a number of years, and had never told me about it, I would be devastated.

You're twisting her situation to suit your argument though. OP posted to complain that the sex pest friend has been messaging again her since she had her baby and she has stated she's been deleting said messages and has ignored them. She is not engaging. Yes, they have known each other for years and have a history, but what exactly is she doing that is deceitful now?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 08/08/2021 23:12

[quote pinkflamingo21]@youvegottenminuteslynn at least I'm loyal though[/quote]
Wow. I really, really made an effort to be supportive and empathetic to you because I was worried for you.

Thinking being loyal to an abusive man, one who bruises you due to assaulting you, is a positive thing is heartbreaking.

I'm baffled you seemed a lost and lonely young woman and was pleased you were finding support and strength on here only to be so flippant about other posters' feelings and complicated situations / head spaces.

rosinavera · 08/08/2021 23:12

[quote pinkflamingo21]@youvegottenminuteslynn at least I'm loyal though[/quote]
Don't know about loyal but you're certainly coming across as a bully on this thread!

Loudestcat14 · 08/08/2021 23:13

[quote pinkflamingo21]@cheekyfucker21 if you wasn't in the wrong the tell your OH the truth about the pictures[/quote]
Why should she tell her partner that she exchanged photos with someone else in her past at a time when their relationship had broken down? Would you tell your current partner every spit and cough of what you got up to with your exes? She's entitled to privacy over something that happened years ago!