To tell him to fuck right off?

[cheekyfucker21]

Long story short ... my "teenage crush" from secondary school (let's call him Ben) is now apparently "happily" married with kids yet he continues to message me intermittently on social media asking for (more like demanding at times) naughty pics.

So as not to drip feed, here's the history to this ... Ben and I had a bit of a fling (occasional casual sex) back in our early 20s when both young and carefree. We are both now mid 30s. I'm now in a happy relationship of 6 years with let's call him Tom, and we have a baby; Ben is now married and to the rest of the world on social media presents as all loved up and happy. Over recent years he has popped up now and then with random "how are you" messages - fine; no problem. I'll reply to those. But a couple of years ago Tom and I went through a rough patch in our relationship and we temporarily split. We were apart for only 4-6 weeks or so. In that time Ben was in touch (he was not married at this time). This time the content of the chat was more sexual - a few pictures were exchanged. Not my proudest moment but I was in a shitty place emotionally with the split from Tom and had no idea at that stage how permanent that split would be. Anyway ... Tom and I worked things out and I stopped messaging Ben. He continued to message, I told him I was back with Tom... he didn't take the hint. So I ignored.

Fast forward to now (approx 3 years down the line from this). Tom and I have resolved the issues that caused the temporary split and we have a baby. We are happy. Ben popped up again recently on my messages having seen pictures I'd shared of new baby to say congratulations. I said thanks. Engaged in normal platonic chit chat. Said I notice you're married now, congratulations, etc. Didn't take him long however to return to comments along the lines of "missing" the pictures I used to send, or commenting on how "good" I look, etc. I began to ignore again.

Problem is - he just keeps messaging at random moments. Like the middle of the night saying things like "I'm drunk... would love to see another sexy pic" etc etc. He's bloody married now ffs and I'm happy with Tom and our new family. When I don't reply to his message and just delete it, I get another shortly after ..."come on, you know you want to...." etc.

At the moment I'm managing this by reading and deleting. I'm close to telling him to fuck off and blocking him but I don't want to be a dick about it because we've known each other since we were kids and we have some mutual friends. But honestly, I can't stand these constant demands from him!

Also, did I invite this by engaging with it in the brief time Tom and I split? I now feel responsible for it, somehow?

Wwyd?

@pinkflamingo21

Well she was letting that happen, that shows more on her character for being sneaky behind his wife

Oh nonsense. She just dithered is all.

@Plumtree391 dithered isn't the right word when it went on for years.....

Thinking your situation over, if you were my husband, I would actually consider leaving over this.

The trust would be utterly shattered. You don’t need to have actively cheated to achieve that. I honestly think my marriage would be over.

@Vivi0 I completely agree. It's deceitful and sly

I would be inclined to tell him that he needs to fuck off letching and put his energy into his wife, or else you will be informing her what he is like behind her back. The block the prick.

If your partner was in your shoes right now what would you expect him to do?

If this was me I'd block him. You've ignored and he's not got the picture and I don't understand why you haven't blocked him already? You say it's in case you go back to your home town and you'd feel a dick... why though? He's inappropriately messaging you, the person who should feel bad is him and blocking him may make him understand this.

Well done OP. Forget and move on.

@cheekyfucker21

Why are people reporting me? What exactly have I done wrong? I came here for advice. This is just so messed up and unfair .

Just ignore the bullying Cheeky. This is AIBU, it tends to get Bandwagony of an evening.

PP who are judging you maybe don't understand the nuances of child psychology, or read between the lines to make educated guesses about what part of your history has got you so frozen in this specific situation.

You don't have to justify yourself here, any more than you have to engage in "chat" with Ben. Ben doesn't want to chat, he's just idling in the hopes that he'll finally get lucky again.
The fact that you could not see that until dozens of pp's pointed it out says a lot about your need for counselling.
The invention that you are secretly lapping it up says something about some pp's imaginations & personal motivations.
You don't need to respond to it, or defend your reticence & naivete/fear/freezing about Ben's advances & false friendship.

I delete them as soon as he sends them and then disengage from the conversation. No hiding going on, as such. Just instant removal of message and disengage

I know it's moot point because OP has blocked the guy now, but this is exactly the sly crap my exh used to pull. OP knows if Tom saw the message and realised she hadn't blocked him yonks ago that he'd have every right to be pissed off with her. Hence her deleting them.

I actually think your being disrespectful to your DP by not blocking him and if truth be told I think you enjoy the attention. Block him and move on

@dewisant2020 exactly

I actually feel really good, for asserting boundaries with a man which is something I find really hard. It's a good feeling!

Nice one Cheeky - ride that wave!

& please keep riding it, with the respouces & counselling style referenced upthread.
If you do that, you will look back in a year & marvel at how far you have come :)
More power to your blocking finger, & your forthcoming ability to tell men to fuck right off because you no longer take that shit.

@dewisant2020 and @pinkflamingo21

OP has blocked now- you do want blood????!!!!!!!

And I think if any woman in this thread doesn't understand why another woman might find it difficult or disconcerting to stand up against the abusive behaviour of a man, should engage with the freedom programme before commenting again. You don't know what you're talking about, frankly.

Yeah id be leaving anybody who didnt think it was just a case of immediately blocking years ago, think what you like, its my happiness

cheekyfucker:

Quite possibly yes. I do find it difficult to tell people to get lost when they make me uncomfortable. I've always struggled with that .
.........

For what it's worth, I used to be exactly the same in different situations. When I look back I can't understand why but I think I felt 'they didn't really mean it', 'deserved a chance', or whatever.

You'll be fine.

To whoever said it's been going on 'for years', I didn't get that impression. However the op came on here for support, it doesn't cost us anything to give her that.

[quote rosinavera]**@dewisant2020* and @pinkflamingo21*

OP has blocked now- you do want blood????!!!!!!![/quote]
What

Well done!

He's harassing you but you don't want to make him feel awkward

@pinkflamingo21 Meant to say OP HAS blocked now so why are you continuing to berate her - do you want blood?

Can’t keep up with this thread, so glad you’ve blocked the plonker, OP.

@rosinavera strange person

You don't want to block this perv in case he might think you've made it awks the next time you may or may not bump into him on a night out in your home town after he's harrassed you for inappropriate pictures and made a complete pest of himself whilst being married with a family and you telling him you're in a happy relationship with the father of your baby? Hmmm, sure. Someone loves the drama a bit too much, methinks.

Well done OP - you've done really well! x

If you don’t block him, it’s because you’re enjoying the messages