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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think she had this baby out of spite?

577 replies

Nineteeneightynine · 08/08/2021 14:36

Name changed because on the off chance the woman in question uses MN i don't want her knowing who i am by my posting history.

I'll call her Sarah.

Sarah was in a relationship with 'John' and the pair had a child. After 6 years together the relationship came to an end - but during the final 2 years of the relationship Sarah had multiple terminations of unplanned pregnancies because she didn't want more children and the pair were growing apart. The split, however, was instigated by her.

They broke up and 18 months later John met and began a relationship with somebody else. They got engaged and conceived a baby.

Sarah then decided she wanted him back after all.

At this point Sarah became even more difficult (think using her existing child as a weapon)

When Johns partner was heavily pregnant Sarah orchestrated a situation whereby she and John would be alone together, think special occasion under the guise of being for their child's benefit. Alcohol was involved.

Sarah made a pass at John, and because John is a selfish idiot and wasn't getting much 'action' at home with his heavily pregnant fiance, he reciprocated and they had a one night stand. John claims Sarah told him she was on the contraceptive implant so they didn't need to use a condom. John didn't question it and was happy to proceed without.

Soon after, very soon indeed, almost as if she was waiting to test, Sarah tells John she's pregnant and wants him to get back together with her "for their family" and try again.

John doesn't want to re-enter the relationship and wants to stay with his then current partner, who was expected to give birth any day.

Sarah decides that actually 'now' (then) is the perfect time to bring another child into the world and she would be having the baby regardless. Issues ultimatums. Briefly stops contact between John and his existing child when John says he doesn't want another.

Bare in mind that before the relationship ended, Sarah was adamant she didn't want any more children and exercised her right to terminate multiple pregnancies because the time wasn't right and the relationship was failing. It was only after seeing John settling down with somebody else she changed her mind.

Johns partner found out and was understandably crushed, now years later has to co-parent and see that (yes totally innocent) child on a regular basis.

WIBU to believe that Sarah, with all of the above taken into consideration, had this child out of spite?

OP posts:

Original poster

Nineteeneightynine · 08/08/2021 21:21

As above, no I am not his partner.

OP posts:

SaharaFlower · 08/08/2021 21:25

@Nineteeneightynine: You're resenting the most important people in that child's life. That's not true care.

ihatedoingwork · 08/08/2021 21:27

That John needs yo go in Eastenders

Original poster

Nineteeneightynine · 08/08/2021 21:29

[quote SaharaFlower]@Nineteeneightynine: You're resenting the most important people in that child's life. That's not true care.[/quote]
I don't resent them, I just think they're very selfish people who have caused unnecessary suffering to multiple people including their own children.

Are you saying that to care about a child you must condone their parents bad decisions, even if those decisions impact the very child you care about?

Don't be silly.

OP posts:

Original poster

Nineteeneightynine · 08/08/2021 21:30

@ihatedoingwork

That John needs yo go in Eastenders

I think he's more Hollyoaks material personally, much more drama you can barely keep up with it.

OP posts:

Mayorquimby2 · 08/08/2021 21:39

They both sound repugnant

HeyDemonsItsYaGirl · 08/08/2021 22:29

My guess is John sees more of Sarah's child than the OP's, or maybe Sarah's child is 'easier.' It explains the bitterness.

shapes1 · 08/08/2021 22:36

I think OP is John's sister?

OP I totally get where ur coming from and Sarah was totally stupid to suddenly get preg just to try and split him up with the new woman. Shame for all the kids involved

Original poster

Nineteeneightynine · 08/08/2021 22:42

@HeyDemonsItsYaGirl

My guess is John sees more of Sarah's child than the OP's, or maybe Sarah's child is 'easier.' It explains the bitterness.

John is under no obligation to see my children for any specified period of time. He has no responsibility to them

OP posts:

Original poster

Nineteeneightynine · 08/08/2021 22:43

For* them

OP posts:

Original poster

Nineteeneightynine · 08/08/2021 22:45

@shapes1

I think OP is John's sister?

OP I totally get where ur coming from and Sarah was totally stupid to suddenly get preg just to try and split him up with the new woman. Shame for all the kids involved

Thank you!

It is a huge shame for the children yes because ultimately they are the ones who suffer.

How do you even begin to explain to the children why there is such a close age gap? It makes for total confusion and upset once they're old enough to put 2 and 2 together. Very sad.

OP posts:

FizzyTango · 08/08/2021 22:45

Sounds incredibly similar to a situation in my family. Obviously both Sarah and John are twats. But clearly Sarah did have the baby out of spite and it’s fucking awful.
The situation in my family happened about 30 years ago and I feel for the child that was conceived in those circumstances, pretty shitty really.
Sarah was damn lucky getting pregnant though if it was only once…perhaps a dna test should be done…

HeartvsBrain · 08/08/2021 22:59

Please OP can you just answer one question clearly?

What pleasure are you actually getting out of this "discussion"?
Presumably you wouldn't keep on answering peoples posts if this was upsetting you.

phoenixrosehere · 08/08/2021 23:04

*I don't resent them, I just think they're very selfish people who have caused unnecessary suffering to multiple people including their own children.

Are you saying that to care about a child you must condone their parents bad decisions, even if those decisions impact the very child you care about?*

And how is this impacting the children involved? Are they neglected? Being abused?

What are you doing to help the child involved?

No one has said you should condone the parents’ actions to care about the children, but surely moaning about it to strangers about the situation isn’t helping either. What was your whole reason of starting this thread? Seemingly, not about the child involved otherwise you would be asking about how you can support this child not asking strangers’ opinions on the situation that brought them into the world.

Original poster

Nineteeneightynine · 08/08/2021 23:06

@HeartvsBrain

Please OP can you just answer one question clearly?

What pleasure are you actually getting out of this "discussion"?
Presumably you wouldn't keep on answering peoples posts if this was upsetting you.

I'm not getting any pleasure nor upset from the thread. I posted out of curiosity after it came up today. Nothing more.

People are posting on the thread so I'm responding and defending myself where necessary.

OP posts:

Original poster

Nineteeneightynine · 08/08/2021 23:16

@phoenixrosehere

*I don't resent them, I just think they're very selfish people who have caused unnecessary suffering to multiple people including their own children.

Are you saying that to care about a child you must condone their parents bad decisions, even if those decisions impact the very child you care about?*

And how is this impacting the children involved? Are they neglected? Being abused?

What are you doing to help the child involved?

No the children aren't being abused, but due to the circumstances of the youngest ones conception their lives are messy and overly complicated. A fulfilling sibling relationship isn't possible for the foreseeable because both mothers can't stand one another and their father is an idiot who couldn't facilitate a conference call let alone a healthy relationship between two families.

Soon enough the children are going to figure out just why there is a strange age gap and what that means for the adults involved. No child should have to burden themselves with that shit.

What am I doing to help the child involved? What do you suggest I do? I'm a supportive family member who will always be there for them, all of them, should they need me.

I have explained why I started the thread already.

OP posts:

HeyDemonsItsYaGirl · 08/08/2021 23:19

John is under no obligation to see my children for any specified period of time. He has no responsibility to them

Oh yes of course. I didn't mean 'the OP' I meant 'his new partner wink wink'

Original poster

Nineteeneightynine · 08/08/2021 23:20

@HeyDemonsItsYaGirl

John is under no obligation to see my children for any specified period of time. He has no responsibility to them

Oh yes of course. I didn't mean 'the OP' I meant 'his new partner wink wink'

You are so far off the mark it's almost funny.

OP posts:

LizzieW1969 · 09/08/2021 00:15

I also think they both sound awful and I feel sorry for the DC, and also the partner John cheated on with Sarah.

54321nought · 09/08/2021 00:28

In answer to your original question, no, I doubt she had the baby "out of spite".

I expect she had the baby out of maternal instinct, as we all do

Sleepyhungryfattyanddoc · 09/08/2021 00:28

That may well be, but you are probably much more likely to take somebody at face value if they tell you matter of factly there is no risk of pregnancy because they are on contraception.

But that’s irrelevant
Because no contraception sarah was or wasn’t on could reduce the risk of him taking home an std to his pregnant partner,
And her contraceptive status did not manipulate him into having sex with her
So it.is.irrelevant.what.sarah.did

You obviously support John, and want people to agree with you about poor John and what a b*tch sarah is

All your remarks are like
Oh yes John was a sh*t but what about that sarah huh?! Like it matters or it’s even remotely comparable.

Hydrate · 09/08/2021 00:50

Maybe she did want a full sibling for her older child.

Not sure why his gf he cheated on stayed with him.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 09/08/2021 07:08

It is rather fascinating, this thread.

SOmetimes women DO do things with base intentions.

I was watching a youtube video from someone who likes to talk about murder cases - the one I watched yesterday was about a woman called Cordelia Botkin, who murdered her lover's ex-wife because her lover decided he wanted to get back with said ex-wife. This narrative is clearly way less damaging than that one, because no one died, but the spite factor is still a possibility.

DrSbaitso · 09/08/2021 07:42

@ThumbWitchesAbroad

It is rather fascinating, this thread.

SOmetimes women DO do things with base intentions.

Murder is comparable to having a baby?

Original poster

Nineteeneightynine · 09/08/2021 08:07

So pedantic DrS.

The point Thumb was clearly making was that women sometimes do go to extreme lengths when they have a goal in mind.

OP posts:

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