How strict are you with your kids?

[SheABitSpicyToday]

I think I need to be stricter with my daughter, who is just turning seven. She’s become a brat and is becoming difficult to live with. I just feel like we’re constantly arguing and it’s making everyone in the house miserable.
We argue about food, chores, what we’re doing today, going to school, what she’s doing with her clothes and it’s exhausting. She literally wakes me up to start an argument and it just sets me I to a bad mood everyday and my partner too when he’s got to go to work.

She’s being so difficult and I don’t want her to feel miserable but at the same time we’re all miserable atm!

Aibu to ask how strict you are and how you manage things in the home between everyone?

Sounds like a stressful situation.

I use a star chart. It sounds simple but it works, a visual representation of good behaviour that results in a treat every week. Use black spots for the poor behaviour, which can then be used to support discussions about what standards are expected.

We’ve tried Start charts but she seems a bit old for them now, she just thinks they’re stupid. She’s very independent and grown up for her age which I think doesn’t help. It’s very much like parenting a teenager.
I’m 25 weeks pregnant and exhausted with it.

Dd is nearly 7 and I use natural consequences as far as possible and try to talk to her about my expectations if I know we're going into a situation where she has previously misbehaved. I also monitor TV use quite strictly, I don't really care if she watches loads to be honest but it's the content that I find can set her off - the Simpson wasna particular trigger as was horrid Henry in her younger days

We argue about food, chores, what we’re doing today, going to school, what she’s doing with her clothes and it’s exhausting.

What argument do you have about food?

What are the other arguments?

Does she have many chores? And what do you mean ‘what she is doing white her clothes’?
It feels like either she’s being an arse about everything, which needs nipping in the bud, or you’re expecting too much and picking arguments over things that don’t matter. Impossible to tell which without some more examples

*with her clothes

Sorry, forgot to mention that I also tried to spend some time with dd unpicking the real issues behind her behaviour. So for one instance she was spending ages getting ready for school and it turned out that she was worried about choosing clothes that others would talk/laugh about. So we then came up with some solutions to that which was the real problem. Same with bedtimes

I’m mostly strict about their education because it’s so important to me. They read every day without fail and we visit the library quite a lot so they’re always exposed to literature. As soon as they come home from school they complete any homework, read and practise spellings. It’s absolutely vital to me that they always do their best. I really pushed them during the lockdowns and they were awarded for it when they returned to school.

I tend to pick my battles with other things really. They face bans on their games if they misbehave. They have a set of chores every week to complete in order to get their pocket money. I try not to sweat the small stuff because it isn’t worth it.

What are the arguments like? Specifically I mean, does she not want to eat, eat other things,at different times etc? Does she get pocket money? I would say that I'm really quite strict about some things (manners mainly)but more chilled about others.

Oh I’ve always maintained a bedtime routine too. Bedtime has slowly got later as they’ve got older but they always go to bed at a set time. I think that’s very important, children thrive on structure and routine.

Is your DD's behaviour relatively recent? Could it be connected to your pregnancy? You don't mention any other children, so if she is about to go from being an only child until age 7, to having to share your attention for the first time, she's probably feeling very unsettled and insecure and perhaps that is coming out in changing behaviour?

In which case I would suggest the best approach would be less about behaviour management and more about reassurance?

Have you heard of oppositional defiance disorder? It's a thing and it's bloody hard to deal with. Have a Google and see if that fits.

Good arguments are basically that she doesn’t want to eat what we say she should eat. She likes lol the things we suggest, but she just want to eat all the snacky things. We thought we’d let her do it for a week and she would get bored of the snacky stuff (my pregnancy cravings) but she just had the shits everyday so we’ve had to nip it. For breakfast for example, her options are toast, cereal or porridge. On Saturday morning I will do a cooked breakfast. She says no, I want to eat dunkers and crisps. I tell her absolutely not, repeat her options and say if she doesn’t want those things then she can have nothing at all. Queue big argument.

Clothes wise, I let her wear what she likes but she has this habit of wearing shorts and pulling them right up into her bum so her cheeks are hanging out. I’ve said it’s not appropriate to wear them like that, me and husband don’t want to see her walking around like that and neither do strangers on the street. If I tell her it’s cold, so she needs to dress warmly she will appear in a dress and jelly shoes and refuse to wear a jumper. If I tell her it’s hot she will appear in jeans and a jumper.

She just goes out of her way to argue.
Chores, her only chore is tidying her bedroom. She had destroyed 2 sets of bedding now by chucking drinks on them and cutting them with scissors. She’s drawn on her walls. She leaves stuff all over the floor and sleeps in rubbish on the bed. She’s more than capable of tidying her room as she had managed this in the past wnd will do it after an argument, I just don’t want to have the argument anymore I’m exhausted and when the baby is here will be even more tired.

I wouldn't say I was strict but certain things were expected and they knew this.
Manners
Tidying up after themselves
No shouting
That kind of thing.
I use to always give them a choice of things like what to wear or what to have for lunch ect .

What are you arguing about first thing in the morning?

How much time do you spend sitting and cuddling? She might be picking fights for attention.

At 7, I would let her dress inappropriately for the weather - there's a natural consequence. Buy her longer shorts, and put away the ones she wears inappropriately.
Food - don't buy the food you don't want her to eat - nobody needs dunkers.
Unless she wakes up hungry they may not be very appealing breakfast choices. What can she have on the toast? Eggs, beans etc?
Her bedroom is tricky, but how about pocket money for a tidy bedroom on Saturday morning. Her choice if she wants to leave it messy - no pocket money.
Think about ways to avoid arguing, or the actual teenage years are going to be a nightmare.

1. Don't give her options for food, just give her the meal.
2. Let her wear what she wants, she will soon learn it's no fun being too hot / cold.
3. Ni scissors, pens, drinks etc in her bedroom

We cuddle a lot. And every night when she goes to bed we talk about any worries we have. She’s genuinely a lovely girl, it’s just in the past 6 months since we moved she’s been a nightmare which I understand but it’s getting old now. She misses her friends which I understand but she also has lots of new friends here and we see her old friends often.

@trumpisagit I need dunkers! Why should the whole family go without because she can’t do as she’s told?

And also, no she doesn’t get the choice to leave her bedroom messy. That’s just not an acceptable rule in our house and it’s never been an issue until recently.

She’s 6… it sounds like she’s being given too much freedom. Give her a choice between 2 suitable outfits. She has to wear 1 or the other. The choice between 2 breakfasts. Help her with tidying her room… it can be a bit daunting for a 6 year old. No pens or drinks upstairs. What sort of rubbish is on her bed? No snacks upstairs if it’s rubbish from snacks. I have a 7 and 6 year old and they’re not allowed food or drink upstairs apart from a glass of water overnight.
Get her to tidy her stuff away at the end of every day so it doesn’t become a huge task.
Where has she learned to pull shorts up to show her bum?!

@SheABitSpicyToday

We’ve tried Start charts but she seems a bit old for them now, she just thinks they’re stupid. She’s very independent and grown up for her age which I think doesn’t help. It’s very much like parenting a teenager. I’m 25 weeks pregnant and exhausted with it.

She is a young child, absolutely nowhere near being a teenager and you need to parent her accordingly.

If you make the reward good enough and use it consistently it works for most kids.

Also - just stop arguing. Don't engage. Engage her in conversations and stop when they veer towards negotiations. She's a child, in many instances she get no say at all, especially if she can't express them nicely.

Have you considered opening up the breakfast options? Crumpets/pancakes/waffles/croissants? I even let one of mine eat those belvita bars because they do t spoil like toast or go soggy like cereal if she takes too long to eat it.

Clothes wise, if you don't want her shorts up her arse just remove the shorts. At 7 you choose her clothes, she can wear leggings and t shirts. She doesn't need shorts.

The room thing as a pp suggested you simply remove the things she is causing damage with.

I think it's quite worrying you say she is mature and independent for her age, like parenting a teenager. Children don't have the ability to be much more mature than their years. A 7 year old isn't able to be as mature as a teen and the comparison isn't helpful.

I'm also a bit surprised that someone has suggested that this may be ODD - it's a bit of a leap so I would ignore that at this stage.

Where has she learned to pull shorts up to show her bum?!

I have no idea but she gets told off for it all the time. It’s her pyjama shorts mostly and her underwear.

In response to the question in your OP, I would say im firm. I’ve told them I refuse to argue with them, im an adult so I get the final say, and I am acting in their best interests. Having said that I do give them choices, I don’t just dictate to them.
I always serve meals I know they like so I don’t tolerate whinging about what they’re being fed. Food eaten at the table.
I take winter clothes out of their drawers in the summer and vice versa so the clothes they have to choose from are generally suitable for the weather. That stops them coming down in Christmas jumpers in July for example!
Sounds like your daughter is struggling with 2 big changes… a move and your pregnancy.

Oh, and letting her eat as much shit food (dunkers, Crisps etc) as she likes in the hope that she would get sick of them was a crazy idea.