How strict are you with your kids?

[SheABitSpicyToday]

I think I need to be stricter with my daughter, who is just turning seven. She’s become a brat and is becoming difficult to live with. I just feel like we’re constantly arguing and it’s making everyone in the house miserable.
We argue about food, chores, what we’re doing today, going to school, what she’s doing with her clothes and it’s exhausting. She literally wakes me up to start an argument and it just sets me I to a bad mood everyday and my partner too when he’s got to go to work.

She’s being so difficult and I don’t want her to feel miserable but at the same time we’re all miserable atm!

Aibu to ask how strict you are and how you manage things in the home between everyone?

Where have I said she gets to choose new? She’s stuck with shitty old spare bedding because I’m not buying nice things for her if she’s it going to look after it.

@SheABitSpicyToday

Where have I said she gets to choose new? She’s stuck with shitty old spare bedding because I’m not buying nice things for her if she’s it going to look after it.

That is literally what you took from my whole post?

Defensive much? Nightlights what I was saying about getting a reaction.

I have years and years of experience working in behaviour support and you can either take suggestions from my post or over react to one bit I got wrong and have this and a baby to deal with in a few months.

Choice is yours!

Becaus you said where’s the deterrent in that? I answered your question.

The other thing that’s causing issues is the interrupting when we’re talking.
She will also ask us questions and then tell us we’re wrong when we answer her.
She’s just very frustrating to be around atm and I’m not sure if it’s just an issue with this age or something else.

Find what will really hurt if it's taken away then if there is behaviour you don't like give a warning and then follow through.

I might be a bit far off but I have a nearly 4 year old who started similar behaviour at the end of my pregnancy / first few months of new babies life.

My first response to my, usually sweet and pleasant, little girl turning into the devil was to react to her anger etc with anger. I literally mirrored her as I was annoyed at her as I knew she could be/was/used to be a well behaved child. It was my natural response, no thought or plan to it.

When this didn't work, and her behaviour got worse, I had to really stop and think. That's when I realised what I was doing / what was happening. She was struggling and her behaviour mirrored this, I was disappointed (by her behaviour) and was being reactive because of it.

I made a real effort to stop being reactive. I stopped using the time out/naughty step as much, and I started making a huge effort not to engage her arguments.

It's still a work in process but her behaviour has definitely flipped, and she is much more the good little girl I know she can be.

Now when she starts to react in temper, or I can sense I tantrum coming on, I simply say to her "I am not getting into a argument with you" and will follow up with.. "Your choices are X or Z, you can choose but I am not arguing over it" or "I have asked/told you what to do, if you don't do it or continue to try and argue then you will be left/put on the step/have a toy removed"

I try my best to remain calm with her despite her efforts to get me to react as I have found the more I react the more she misbehaves. Its a knock on effect so if I can stop it at the start it saves a massive argument.

Once she has moved on/done as asked/made a a choice etc I then say something "Good job on XYZ, ow tell me why you acted that way earlier?" This allows her to speak to me when she is calm, and I hope it teaches her how better to react to her emotions.

For example one time I asked her to put her plate away while I was sitting with her brother and she started to fuss and don't listen, so I said to her "please put your plate away as I have asked, I will not argue with you over this I will just put Barbie away for the day" After a few seconds of fussing, she got up and put the plate away. So I said "Good job, now tell me why didn't you do that when I first asked you?" and it turned out she didn't want to leave me with her brother because then he got more time with me - so we spoke about it and I explained she sat on me/slept on me when she was little etc and now I make sure in these situations she gets invited up to snuggle in as well. I'd never stopped this before but this conversation highlighted that, for some reason, she didn't think she could just cuddle in anymore. Another example was "Can you get dressed so we can go out" she started fussing so I said "You can choose this outfit or this one, but I'm not arguing with you". She threw a tantrum at this so I gave her the options again, reaffirmed that I was not arguing and told her that if she continued to mishaved she would need to go on the step which would make her late for her lesson. She still pitched a fit so I calmly told her she needed to sit on the step to calm down before coming to talk to me. She sat there for about 5 minutes before removing herself from the step and coming to speak to me. This time it simply turned out she wanted to stay home and play, so we discussed that occasionally we need to do something we don't want to do, ie leaving toys, and how if she had explained that to me we could have just picked a toy to take in the car.

The way their little heads work is crazy but amazing. It's just trying to work it out that's hard for them and us.

@SheABitSpicyToday

The other thing that’s causing issues is the interrupting when we’re talking. She will also ask us questions and then tell us we’re wrong when we answer her. She’s just very frustrating to be around atm and I’m not sure if it’s just an issue with this age or something else.

Get proof. If she asks something and says you are wrong use it as a change to look it up together. Not only will she learn but you will be working as a team. Don't make it a 'yes I am right, look' so much as a 'why don't we go and check, maybe I am wrong'

Think of all the disruptions your DD has faced over the last two years or so.

• she's started school
• then just as she settles in, a global pandemic hits and she's suddenly at home all the school with no contact with anyone except you and her step-dad.
• then she's in/out of school for months with lockdowns, closures, isolations and burst bubbles.
• then you announce you're moving house (taking her away from two of her constants - school and friends) and that she's getting a new sibling in the space of six months.

That's a LOT of disruption in such a small space of time. No wonder she's worried, scared and insecure. The pandemic has had an awful impact on the MH of millions of adults - it must be even harder for small children who don't have the same understand as us.

Be patient with her.

I’m not as strict as my parents, Chinese and also one one side my grandparents were both in the military. I can say I was 100% compliant.

I was much stricter than DS white friends parents. Now as a young adult DS says he is grateful. Now my parents did hit me with a bamboo cane when I was about six so I never played up again. Fear isn’t a great way to control though is it and I never hit DS.

I used reward and also removal of items. Plus if I said I will take away x if you don’t do Y I did take it away even if it made my life worse. Thinking about his games console when he was a teenager. He hated me for that. Too many parents worry their kids won’t like them if they punish them.

I'm pretty firm. DH and I are in charge in our house and DS knows that (DD is only 2, so is in the processing of learning this right now ).

I can't stand badly behaved children though. DS has a little friend who's parents are quite relaxed, very much in the camp of softly softly, asking their kids to do things not telling, very few boundaries, no consequences imposed etc. That child is an absolute nightmare to have on a playdate, he just does what he wants and ignores adults instructions etc. As a result I'm gently steering DS more towards other friends.

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland I’m very much the same. I can’t stand children who are naughty and I think that’s why her sudden change in behaviour is riling me up so badly. Not to mention my health issues making me more impatient.

I wouldn’t say I’m strict but I simply wouldn’t allow a six year old to ‘start an argument.’ I’m the adult so I know better than to enter the argument. If they argued that they didn’t want to eat their dinner I would say okay no problem. If they then asked for sweets/snacks I would offer the rejected dinner. I wouldn’t get mad or give them any sort of a rise.

If one of mine asked me a question then said I was wrong I would say okay what do you think then? I think some kids would use this as a clumsy way to share their opinion but without being taught proper conversational skills are doing it quite rudely.

Op I've got a 7year old and she was starting to push her luck,she was told no more iPad or YouTube, strictly only Disney Netflix kids and CBBC,this was in April, she has changed her ways but won't be getting the iPad or Netflix back till she's at an age where she needs it for school ect she also eats what's put Infront of her or nothing at all,(I've four children and not making different meals for 4 children) and in our house children are not allowed scissors,no drinks/food upstairs and if you've used something you put it back! Also of any of my children dreamed to argue with me I'd politely explain to them that I'm the parent they are my child and we are not friends,but mother and daughter!

I would also say work on reactivity. At this age for my kids I tried to be as boring and bland as possible when they were being challenging/annoying. I think sometimes they do it as they’re at the age where they want to see how people react to them etc. By modelling appropriate behaviour they will learn how to react if someone if irritating to them. So instead of getting into an argument, I would have said ‘oh it’s a shame you don’t like pasta anymore as that’s what we’re having. Maybe you can just have the vegetables/bread.’ Or if my 5yo interrupts I wouldn’t get annoyed I just say ‘oops I’m just talking at the moment, hang on.’

Not Netflix,YouTube back stupid phone

I don’t feel like I’m strict but I have firm boundaries.
The shorts situation, with the pj’s I’d ignore as she’s likely doing it to get a response. With normal clothes shorts just get rid of them and buy more appropriate ones.
The bedding I’d be expecting my child to buy new bedding to replace what they’ve destroyed.
They have certain jobs that’s expected of them such as cleaning and setting the table. If they don’t do it their food doesn’t get brought out until it’s done. Doesn’t happen much and it’s resolved in a few minutes.

Can I ask if there was a lot of arguing or any domestic abuse with you and her dad? Could that explain some of her worries? Just reminds me very much of a friends situation.

My DD is 7 and can be similar. I’m strict I guess
No food or drinks upstairs or on the sofa
Choice of three breakfast cereals or toast.
Choice of two weather-appropriate outfits
Must tidy up for pocket money.
If these things aren’t done then there’s no TV, can’t have friends over until better behaved, sent to room etc etc

My mum always said don't argue with your children and i have found this to be good advice. (Much more challenging in the teen years tbf). You tell your child what your expectations are, (these should be clear, fair, and reasonable) and you explain the consequences (again clear, fair, and reasonable) if they are not met. Then the hard bit, you stick to your guns and don't engage in arguements. Being consistent can be exhausting, but it will pay off in the long run.

@Jigsawtrain she’s never met her biological dad, but yes he was abusive.

I was strict on some things and really lax on others, though I think it was stricter than most I know though I viewed it more as setting up the environment and routines in our favour. We had those structures carry a lot of the load.

Around that age, we'd sometimes do "tomato stalking", which is basically "Because of your behaviour, we can't trust you so you have to stay with your father or I at all times except in the toilet." We'd do it for a week at a time, and it took a handful of times for them to get that they'd rather not do things that broke our trust but also meant there was a lot of time to discuss their concerns and feelings & for their father and I see the things they weren't yet old enough to express well or were masking.

With food, at 7, my kids made their own breakfasts and lunches from what we have. We kept (and still with kids 9-16 + adults) sweet items in a 'sweet item bag' and they can get one with their lunches unless its a special occasion. There are some items that have to be in the fridge, but we went through periods of none of those (though I hear others who use fridge lockboxes, but for us it was easier just not to buy snacks that were causing issues).

I think you’ve basically got into a negative rut with your child and sound like you don’t like her much.

Some of the things are just not even worth engaging with. I wouldn’t pay much attention to her pulling her PJ shorts up for example - she’s at home. Who cares.

Things like cutting up bedding - sounds like attention seeking to me. I wouldn’t discount the impact of her moving schools - it took my ds a long time to settle down.

I feel like you need to reset your relationship with her, stop arguing with her and describing her like a teen. She isn’t. She’s tiny!

@BiBabbles yes she makes her own food apart from dinner in the evening, which I cook for all of us usually or my husband cooks when he gets home from work. She eats the same as us, and if she doesn’t want it then tough shit. Yeah never make her eat anything I know she doesn’t like and I don’t force her to finish it but do tell her that there is nothing else to eat after that. She comes down sometimes at 9 to tell me she’s hungry and then I’m stuck with the guilt of us she actually hungry and it’s my fault for not being stricter with her at dinner time or is she just doing it to be a pain.

@Iggly if I’m being completely honest, I don’t like her very much atm. It’s completely relentless.

[quote SheABitSpicyToday]@Iggly if I’m being completely honest, I don’t like her very much atm. It’s completely relentless.[/quote]
That’s pretty sad to hear.

It’s her behaviour that’s the issue, not her. If you feel like you don’t like her - she will pick up on that.

I know, it’s awful.