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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How strict are you with your kids?

256 replies

SheABitSpicyToday · 08/08/2021 09:24

I think I need to be stricter with my daughter, who is just turning seven. She’s become a brat and is becoming difficult to live with. I just feel like we’re constantly arguing and it’s making everyone in the house miserable.
We argue about food, chores, what we’re doing today, going to school, what she’s doing with her clothes and it’s exhausting. She literally wakes me up to start an argument and it just sets me I to a bad mood everyday and my partner too when he’s got to go to work.

She’s being so difficult and I don’t want her to feel miserable but at the same time we’re all miserable atm!

Aibu to ask how strict you are and how you manage things in the home between everyone?

OP posts:
Neverrains · 08/08/2021 14:02

[quote SheABitSpicyToday]@Iggly if I’m being completely honest, I don’t like her very much atm. It’s completely relentless.[/quote]
She probably picks up on that and will be the cause of some of her anxiety.
I have 7 and 6 year old girls so a fair amount of experience with them, they’re still so little. It sounds like she has a lot of freedom and responsibility (making her own food, running her own bath, taking food/drinks upstairs, her playing out with friends etc), could you maybe be treating her as more ‘grown up’ than she is?
You say she goes to bed with rubbish on it… do you put her to bed in the evening? Read to her? If I went up to put mine to bed and there was mess on the bed then it would get cleaned up (by them) before they went to sleep.

icedcoffees · 08/08/2021 14:06

[quote SheABitSpicyToday]@Iggly if I’m being completely honest, I don’t like her very much atm. It’s completely relentless.[/quote]
And she'll be picking up on that, which will be fuelling her anxiety and worry and poor behaviour.

Children aren't stupid.

She sounds very, very insecure to me, and after two years of constant ups and downs, I'm not surprised. She needs your love, support and help - not for you to dislike her and want to send her away with your dad so you can have a break.

Jigsawtrain · 08/08/2021 14:06

If she’s hungry at 9pm let her have something boring like milk and bread. Mine have only tried that trick once and now eat. If they don’t eat meals because they’re full they’re only allowed fruit or veg (carrot sticks usually) as snacks in between meals.

Can I ask how far into your pregnancy you were when you left her Dad?

You mention guilt a few times in your posts. Guilt in parenting can make us inconsistent and doubt our ways. What it sounds like your daughter needs is firm but fair boundaries that are consistent so she knows even if she pushes or tries something slightly different the boundaries are there so it’s not worth it.

I’d also speak to school in September to get some pastoral support. My 8 year old has become very anxious and we’re at the point of needing to ask for support now.

Original poster
SheABitSpicyToday · 08/08/2021 14:06

No I don’t usually put her to bed. She doesn’t particularly want me to. She goes up around half 7 and she has an hour to either watch a film or read then she turns her light off and goes to sleep. Me or my husband check her room in the morning usually and if it’s messy we ask her to tidy it before she comes downstairs for the day.

OP posts:
Iggly · 08/08/2021 14:07

@SheABitSpicyToday

I know, it’s awful.
Can I ask your partners role in her parenting? My friend has a second husband and two children from her previous marriage. She is incredibly harsh with her kids and she relays conversations with her new husband. He basically has given her the idea that her children are out of control - but they really aren’t!
Original poster
SheABitSpicyToday · 08/08/2021 14:08

Yes we’re going to speak to her school a out some counselling when she goes back.

I left her dad when she was a few weeks old.

OP posts:
Original poster
SheABitSpicyToday · 08/08/2021 14:09

My husbands role is like that of a normal father really. They spend quality time together, or all of us together as a family. He had slightly different parenting ideas to me but we compromise and make them work. She loves him very much, calls him daddy and have a lovely relationship.

OP posts:
Neverrains · 08/08/2021 14:11

Ah ok. Mine still like being put to bed and read to, then they read by themselves for half an hour. I also supervise their baths etc. Many on here would no doubt say I baby them though!

Original poster
SheABitSpicyToday · 08/08/2021 14:13

She’s never liked being read to Sad even as a toddler.

OP posts:
Iggly · 08/08/2021 14:14

@SheABitSpicyToday

My husbands role is like that of a normal father really. They spend quality time together, or all of us together as a family. He had slightly different parenting ideas to me but we compromise and make them work. She loves him very much, calls him daddy and have a lovely relationship.
How different though? This in itself can cause issues. Worth considering
Original poster
SheABitSpicyToday · 08/08/2021 14:14

She is fantastic at reading though and has started reading more grown up books like Harry Potter. She reads to my belly most nights before she goes up too while I’m having a lie down.

OP posts:
mbosnz · 08/08/2021 14:27

She sounds like a very highly intelligent little girl. So she's going to question, and she's going to push boundaries, and she's going to think she's a lot more grown up than she is.

While to you, her life looks idyllic, from her point of view, I think it is possibly pretty bloody scary now. You don't like her much now, how much less are you going to like her when there's a cute new baby, with DH? How much is he going to like her when he has his 'real' baby?

How much of your dialogue with her is what she is doing wrong, being wrong, not good enough? How often do you tell her what she is doing right, recognising her strengths (Harry Potter at 7 is pretty bloody awesome, but also, when you're thinking about death and dying, if you're getting towards the later books, there's a possible source)?

She's a kid. You're her parent. Sometimes parenting is about putting yourself in the kid's shoes, and seeing it from their point of view. She had no control about moving, about Mum having a new baby, and it's a bit bloody scary. And most probably a bit angrifying.

dcilovett · 08/08/2021 14:35

@SheABitSpicyToday

She is fantastic at reading though and has started reading more grown up books like Harry Potter. She reads to my belly most nights before she goes up too while I’m having a lie down.
That's lovely OP. Focus on the positive aspects of your relationships rather than the negative ones if you can.

She sounds very independent for a six year old, making her own food and putting herself to bed. Is this all her own choice or because she has to?

I would take control by giving her some limited control in each situation. So breakfast is a choice of porridge, toast or fruit/yoghurt (say) - all healthy enough but things she likes. Vary it, buy different cereals etc but always give her some choice in the morning.

Clothes - agree with pp, ignore in the house, lose any really inappropriate shorts etc so they're not available. If all her clothes are appropriate enough then it doesn't matter what she chooses to wear.

Definitely give the switch back, she's not learning anything from having lost it for so long and it's obviously not working as an incentive for good behaviour if you're adding more time to the punishment.

Did you ask her why she cut up the bedding? Can you channel the cutting etc into some craft activities? Is there some particular bedding she really wants and could you base some longer term reward plan around this (not a reward for chopping up the stuff she doesn't like!!)

I agree with pp, you need to stop arguing. You're the parent and she is six. But she will be anxious about all the changes and the uncertainty of a new baby, be good to get your relationship working better before the baby comes when you will have less time available.
Good luck!

EducatingArti · 08/08/2021 14:35

@SheABitSpicyToday

She is anxious about things but I have no idea where these worries have come from. We’ve been reassuring her and taking to her daily about things. She’s anxious that me and my husband are going to split up, she’s worried that if she leaves me I’m going to get sick and she’s worried the baby is going to die. I have no idea where this has all come from.
I'd imagine this reflects the difficulties that many children this age have had in processing all the Covid 19 stuff. It will have been impossible for her to have avoided all the talk about cases/hospitalisations and deaths ( even if it is just what other children have been saying). I'd open up some conversations about what she thinks about Covid and give her whatever reassurances you can ( double vaccinated etc)
Kiduknot · 08/08/2021 14:37

[quote SheABitSpicyToday]@Iggly if I’m being completely honest, I don’t like her very much atm. It’s completely relentless.[/quote]
Then fake it till you make it, love bombing her.
It really will turn the corner.

wingsandstrings · 08/08/2021 14:37

When my DS was going through an argumentative phase btwn about 8-10 i wouldn't allow him to pull me into rehearsing the same argument around and around in circles - I took control by just leaving the room. I would certainly listen to how he felt about the situation and say something that acknowledged it eg 'i'm sorry that those food options seem to make you so cross, but as I've explained already it's important to eat healthy food'. And then if they started up with moaning I would leave the room. If we sat at the table and they starting moaning I would make them leave the table. I would just not get sucked in. It was like he was spoiling for a fight, and the argument was a way to control, and I wouldn't give it to him. It was very effective. However I do think that it is important to balance that approach with making sure that you do listen and acknowledge their feelings, and where possible to have some flexibility eg. 'Ok, you are sad about stopping playing to tidy your room, you tell me when today you will tidy your room instead.'

wordsareveryunnecessary · 08/08/2021 14:39

I am strict because my son has ADHD is very easily influenced. Always insisted on regular bedtime or the next day is horrible with tired behaviour, no hanging around parks (yes have tried this a few times with bad results), playstation is in the living room. Dreading college .....

Original poster
SheABitSpicyToday · 08/08/2021 14:40

She is very intelligent, I think she’s trying to understand stuff that maturity wise she just can’t yet and it’s causing frustration.

When I ask her why she does the silly things like cutting her bedding, she just shrugs and says she doesn’t know.

She likes having her independence, so am reluctant to take it away. Plus she knows that if she gets up before I do, then she needs to make her own breakfast. I’m not getting up especially early to do it when she’s capable of doing it herself.

OP posts:
Kiduknot · 08/08/2021 14:42

My dd didn’t particularly like being cuddled and would shrug me off but I’d keep giving her a quick cuddle and saying “you might not need one , but I do” -
Jealousy of her sibling was an issue too so I would say “now you are a big girl you can do x,y and z.” Things like sitting in the front seat of the car. Any special “older child” privileges.

Lovebombing with words to ensure that she knows the baby won’t replace her in your affections and how you love it that’s she’s more special/clever than the baby because she can do more grown up things. Poor little baby has to learn all those things.

Neverrains · 08/08/2021 14:48

Harry Potter at 7 is pretty bloody awesome, but also, when you're thinking about death and dying, if you're getting towards the later books, there's a possible source

This is true. My 7 year old has read the first 3 books and it did raise some questions about death. I’ve held off on letting her read the rest as I think they get a bit darker from here onwards.

Original poster
SheABitSpicyToday · 08/08/2021 14:51

Death is a subject that she’s covered quite extensively! She’s my little “Wednesday Addams”. Loves all things macabre and as a scientist myself have always taken a very matter of fact approach to things. Her last independent project she did for school was about what happens to the body after it dies 🙄

I feel like this is just an awkward age that I wasn’t ready for and the move had just sped up the hormones and the boundary pushing.

My own health isn’t great atm which is having an impact on all three of us but that will be better when the baby is born. Just 3 months left to go.

OP posts:
Crowsaregreat · 08/08/2021 14:58

If it was me, I'd be doing pictures and collages as a kind of art therapy, stick on pics of houses and babies and talk about what's happened and what's about to happen, make a visual pic of how things used to be and what things will be like in future. Doing something crafty side by side can be a very non confrontational way to talk and get her to open up. I imagine she needs reassurance that she has a valued place in the new family structure. You could try doing a family tree and talking about her bio dad as well?

RedHelenB · 08/08/2021 15:04

Sometimes you just get into a vicious cycle with behaviour. What helped with mine was a tick and cross chart. They were only allowed so many crosses a week , otherwise they didn't get their weekly treat. And they also had to get so many ticks. The ticks were for the positive things they did. Once you start putting the ticks on you realise that actually your children aren't so badly behaved as you think.

Neverrains · 08/08/2021 15:07

I think she needs a bit of love bombing.

DeflatedGinDrinker · 08/08/2021 15:07

I was struck with mine around that ages as they too went through the bratty, not nice child stage. So I got tough on them and as teens they are fine. Very placid.