How strict are you with your kids?

[SheABitSpicyToday]

I think I need to be stricter with my daughter, who is just turning seven. She’s become a brat and is becoming difficult to live with. I just feel like we’re constantly arguing and it’s making everyone in the house miserable.
We argue about food, chores, what we’re doing today, going to school, what she’s doing with her clothes and it’s exhausting. She literally wakes me up to start an argument and it just sets me I to a bad mood everyday and my partner too when he’s got to go to work.

She’s being so difficult and I don’t want her to feel miserable but at the same time we’re all miserable atm!

Aibu to ask how strict you are and how you manage things in the home between everyone?

She has settled a lot since the move, she’s not having screaming tantrums anymore so she is improving but slowly, I just want her back to her lovely self for when the baby arrives.

My kids are younger but very strong willed. I am making a conscious effort not to shout and argue - to just walk away. If they want to wear something inappropriate for the weather, I let them, and take the right clothes for when they inevitably want them because they’re cold / hot. With food, I simply give them a choice if it’s easy for me (toast or cereal, for example) and if they won’t choose, they get given one. If they don’t eat it, it’s saved for later when they ask for a snack. They aren’t given anything else until they’ve finished that meal. It’s all done calmly (well, it’s supposed to be - I often lose my rag but I’m really trying not to!).

Someone once told me that it takes 2 to argue, so if you don’t engage, they can’t sustain the fight from one side. It does seem to work.

It is very likely to be a deeper issue, though, given the upheaval with moving and a new baby. Presumably you’ve moved to a bigger place because the family is getting bigger, so imagine what a 7 year old thinks of that - ‘this new baby is making mummy different and we had to move away from my old bedroom and my old friends’. Some extra love and reassurance is probably needed.

Have you tried asking her why she’s behaving like this? Kids seem really emotionally aware IME.

Someone once told me that it takes 2 to argue, so if you don’t engage, they can’t sustain the fight from one side. It does seem to work

Exactly this. I refuse to argue with children, and if I don’t argue then they can’t argue back!

She’s incredibly excited to become a big sister. She’s wanted a sibling for years and this is the best thing to ever happen to her (in her words!) so I’m not too worried about the baby. I think she’s just slowly becoming the loud, opinionated and strong girl I’m raising her to be, I just didn’t anticipate how difficult raising a girl this way would be. She’s going to be a fearless adult, which is what I want. Just a bit of a nightmare kid

@thatonehasalittlecar I think you are making a big mistake refusing them food unless they have eaten their breakfast leftovers.
That sort of parental control over eating can be a trigger for future eating disorders.

From the examples you give, her behaviour sounds annoying and attention seeking rather than really awful.

So I agree with the posters saying not to engage. Just keep repeating "this is the choice of food for breakfast" or whatever, don't get angry or threaten punishments etc.

It's just a phase OP. Hang in there. it will get better!

I have struggled with eating disorders due to my mums controlling behaviour with food which is why I’ve been more lax with food but maybe too lax.

I know book recommendations don't always go down too well, but the book how to talk so kids will listen (and listen so kids will talk) is brilliant for helping with communication and behaviour. It sounds like she's a lovely kid who is struggling a bit and craving attention. Put some more boundaries in place - kids need boundaries, otherwise they feel a bit lost and overwhelmed, and then act out.

The shorts up the bum thing might just be something she’s seen on older girls. Denim shorts cut short enough for bum cheeks to hang out seem to be a teen fashion at the mo.

It sounds like you’ve had a lot of change recently - moving home, baby on the way. My DD is same age so I know school has been difficult for them too, they’ve not had a full school year without a lockdown yet. She’s probably acting out as she feels unsettled. I’d agree with PPs, give less choice (this, that or nothing), don’t engage in the arguments and give her lots of love.

She’s just come in and apologised, she’s tidied her room and she’s had some cereal. I’ve said to her that’s brilliant, but next time she needs to do this without the argument first as it ruins both of our days and she’s agreed. She’s running a bath, so hopefully the day can improve from here…

Also just remember that she’s 6. She might be trying to act like she’s a teenager, but developmentally she’s still a young child.

Sounds like she’s attention seeking so just give attention for the good bits and completely ignore the bad bits.

Give options only where you don’t care which choice she makes e.g. blue leggings or pink ones, toast or cereal, make your bed and bring your cup down or make your bed and pick your toys up etc. Choices should still be pretty ‘bite size’ at this age.

Re the shorts up her bum, just ignore it completely (or laugh, is she trying to be funny?), it doesn’t matter if she does it at home and just give her cycling shorts to wear out.

You also mentioned she’s been like this since you moved and she has a new sibling on the way. No matter how exciting she may seem to find these things it’s still a massive upheaval for little kids and you shouldn’t underestimate the impact.

Pick your battles. Bin all her short shorts and buy some which are more age appropriate. If she want to wear hot clothes on a hot day, let her. Remove tech as punishment. If you think it's a bad influence she doesn't get to use it. I was shocked when my 8 yo old said 'what's that punk doing in our driveway?' Lots of attitude comes via the internet. DS doesn't get his sweet treat if he doesn't eat his lunch.

From your subsequent posts I'd say she sounds within the wide spectrum of normal in her behaviour and you're doing a perfectly good enough job of managing it. Don't forget YOU also have a lot of upheaval in your life, so you are more tired and likely to snap and catastrophise when being given lip by a seven year old. We all have shit days (weeks... Months even) and make the odd parenting fail. Get rid of the shorts, hide the dunkers in a box marked spinach and keep buggering on.

@SheABitSpicyToday

Good arguments are basically that she doesn’t want to eat what we say she should eat. She likes lol the things we suggest, but she just want to eat all the snacky things. We thought we’d let her do it for a week and she would get bored of the snacky stuff (my pregnancy cravings) but she just had the shits everyday so we’ve had to nip it. For breakfast for example, her options are toast, cereal or porridge. On Saturday morning I will do a cooked breakfast. She says no, I want to eat dunkers and crisps. I tell her absolutely not, repeat her options and say if she doesn’t want those things then she can have nothing at all. Queue big argument.

Clothes wise, I let her wear what she likes but she has this habit of wearing shorts and pulling them right up into her bum so her cheeks are hanging out. I’ve said it’s not appropriate to wear them like that, me and husband don’t want to see her walking around like that and neither do strangers on the street. If I tell her it’s cold, so she needs to dress warmly she will appear in a dress and jelly shoes and refuse to wear a jumper. If I tell her it’s hot she will appear in jeans and a jumper.

She just goes out of her way to argue.
Chores, her only chore is tidying her bedroom. She had destroyed 2 sets of bedding now by chucking drinks on them and cutting them with scissors. She’s drawn on her walls. She leaves stuff all over the floor and sleeps in rubbish on the bed. She’s more than capable of tidying her room as she had managed this in the past wnd will do it after an argument, I just don’t want to have the argument anymore I’m exhausted and when the baby is here will be even more tired.

Personally i think you've been quite soft with your daugther. I have a six year old son and if he doesnt want to eat the rest of something i say well if your full you can eat it later and put it in the microwave and he gets the same meal later. He now tends to finish his meals unless he is very full as he realises theres nothing else to get until he eats what i give him. In regards to what to wear he wears what i give him or hes not going anywhere. I think boundaries of i am the parent and you are the child need to be set at a young age. If my child doesnt listen i send him to his room until he is willing to and check on him every 25 minutes or so. If your not careful you can end up raising a little terror that doesn't want to listen to anyone.

I think you need to stop arguing with your child stay silent in a very stern voice tell her what is you want her to if she doesn't do it then provide the consequence of not doing so and leave it at that.

She hasn’t had the switch for about a month now as she keeps getting more time added onto not being allowed it. I want to get a good balance of being stricter with her but not too authoritative as my husband is a lot stricter than I am.

Hmmm medium.

I try to use natural consequences where I can, I also try to be careful about the language I use and I try to keep my expectations realistic.

Personality is a big factor, both the parent and the child, I’m quite relaxed so if hes being irritating I can generally just ignore him without getting stressed myself. He is generally quite good, he has his moments and is definitely a bugger at times, but I would say he is very good around 80% of the time.

I give him limited choices which he likes, it gives him some control without being overwhelming. So food for example, four days a week he chooses dinner, so in the morning I give him two paper plates with a meal drawn on and he picks what where having, they are always paired to use similar ingredients, so he has the power of choice but it is limited enough not to be overly exciting etc.

Positive strokes OP.

I decided not to use punishment- or rewards. I struggle to remember any cross words.
I have high expectations of behaviour, and cultivate a relationship of respect.

Don't argue with her. You This is your options. ..her..argument. you. I will not argue about this this is your options.

Dont get drawn into a debate about it. 7 is a tough age through

She had destroyed 2 sets of bedding now by chucking drinks on them and cutting them with scissors. She’s drawn on her walls.

That kind of destructive behaviour can be anxiety driven, she’s had a lot of change to process and even positive change is very stressful. There’s also a developmental thing possibly going on at 6/7/8 that might mean she’s struggling - I know both my kids had a tricky time around 7/8.

I’d be setting clear boundaries and consistent discipline, so every time she does X, Y happens. Talk through consequences ahead of the behaviour (if you draw on your walks you’ll need to spend time cleaning the walls which means we won’t be able to do X thing). Try to use natural consequences where possible, but where not possible set a consistent, clearly understood consequence.

I’d also be spending time with her as much as possible, doing colouring, baking, paddling pool, trampoline - basically anything to get her moving or involving her senses, sensory activities are fantastic for kids in lowering anxiety.

Some of the behaviour sounds difficult but normal. My youngest is constantly asking for sweets and snacks, we are constantly having to enforce limits. Tedious but normal - just have to repeat and repeat and eventually something will sink in!

The destructive cutting up of her bedclothes sounds a bit more concerning. I wondered if you have talked about the new baby with her? She might have all sorts of feelings about that - positive and negative that she might not know how to describe or manage?

About that age we started locking horns more. Eventually I stepped back, love bombed her, gave her some more privileges as she is now more “grown up”, but at the same time enforced the boundaries that were set in stone.
The love bombing was crucial as we had got into a viscous circle of bad behaviour/negativity.
It worked.

I think with an anxious child I would think not in terms of whether you are at the right place the "strict v soft" spectrum but instead try to aim for something which is both very firm and authoritative but also compassionate.

She is clearly struggling to manage something if she is cutting up her duvet cover at aged 7.

So set limits, be firm, but try to help her manage her feelings and be sympathetic to her struggles, kind of thing.

I think the same thing as ^^ - firm boundardied love bombing!

I think she might be very anxious about her place with you now the baby is on the way.

She is anxious about things but I have no idea where these worries have come from. We’ve been reassuring her and taking to her daily about things. She’s anxious that me and my husband are going to split up, she’s worried that if she leaves me I’m going to get sick and she’s worried the baby is going to die. I have no idea where this has all come from.