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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to cancel wedding that's in 9 days

526 replies

9daystillwedding · 07/08/2021 22:13

We are struggling for money at the moment but we didn't want to cancel the wedding and lose the money we had already paid so we have managed to scrape it together and we are eloping just us, our toddler and our parents.

My partner is having a week off work so we need to budget for that week and at the moment living pay check to pay check.

His stag do is tonight and he's spent 230 at a strip club plus around 200 for food and drinks, way over the budget we have agreed meaning we are going to struggle the next 3 weeks now because of this and our going to have to limit the things we do on our trip when we get married.

I'm not ok that firstly he spent so much more than agreed and secondly I'm not ok that he went to the strip club. He didn't discuss going there with me and I'm 100 percent certain he knows I wouldnt be comfortable with it.

I'm considering cancelling the wedding and saying we need to work on things before we can discuss marriage again

Aibu?

OP posts:
AntiHop · 07/08/2021 22:59

Clutching at straws, but is it possible his card has been stolen?

Pregnantpeppa · 07/08/2021 23:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hooded · 07/08/2021 23:01

It sounds totally fair to say you would like to postpone the wedding for financial reasons. You have hit a sudden , unexpected financial burden and would feel you need a way to build up your finances again before starting life as a married couple.
Among most of my friends, born in late 70s strip clubs are just stupid places that a lot of professionals from large corporates ended up in after a work night out. (How weird in front of your boss!) So it wouldnt be a deal breaker, just men trying out what is deemed fun. The money would annoy us the most . I its a one off, it would be forgiven. But if he is taking the piss by not contributing ./ financially benefiting from you, that is a big red flag. I thought everyone was harsh by saying to cancel the wedding, but makes sense to postpone it until your financial behaviour aligns

youvegottenminuteslynn · 07/08/2021 23:03

Funny he feels he deserves to spend money you don't have on looking at women's tits (probably younger, often vulnerable women) but not on you as a couple / savings etc isn't it? I couldn't marry such a misogynist prick and would think good on you for cancelling tbh. He's shown his true character at a time that really matters. When the chips are down, he wants you to compromise and make do, to cut your cloth accordingly... while he pays to disrespect you and women in general. Bleurgh.

Budapestdreams · 07/08/2021 23:03

I agree with postponing too. See how it goes when you talk to him tomorrow.

WaterIsBest · 07/08/2021 23:03

I wouldnt be happy with this

Not only is he spending your much needed money but at a strip club!

Nope, just nope!

youvegottenminuteslynn · 07/08/2021 23:04

@dustofneptune

The way I see it?

What are the keys to a great marriage?

  1. Financial compatibility. You both work towards the same budget and goals.
  2. Trust and openness. You don't go behind each other's backs. You don't hide things from each other, or do things on the sly knowing the other wouldn't be comfortable.
  3. Communication. You're able to apologise to each other, take accountability, and come up with solutions that work for both people.

If I was in your shoes? I wouldn't get married right now. It doesn't matter how much you've already spent. Divorce would be much more expensive, as would being married to someone who has spending issues.

Bravo. All this.
youvegottenminuteslynn · 07/08/2021 23:05

@3scape mine pops up literally as soon as a contactless payment is made, within seconds. It's not unusual at all.

Sally872 · 07/08/2021 23:05

I would cancel OP. Yanbu.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 07/08/2021 23:07

@AntiHop

Clutching at straws, but is it possible his card has been stolen?
On the night of his stag... then taken to a strip club he's not at?! Come off it!
ny20005 · 07/08/2021 23:07

So it's not been your bank account but you get alerts every time he spends money 🤨

pinkflamingo21 · 07/08/2021 23:08

It's a joint account, don't be mean to her. He is the one in the wrong

Whattheschitt · 07/08/2021 23:08

I'm so sorry OP. I'd be absolutely furious if my fiance spent that much on strippers and alcohol if money was tight.

I'd see it as a blatant disrespect of our family situation if hes willing to put us into financial difficulties to fund one night out for himself.

Is he usually selfish or is this a rare one off?

beigebrownblue · 07/08/2021 23:09

Cancel the wedding.
You have had a lucky escape.
Any bloke worth his salt doesn't go to a strip club.

End of.

Yes, as p.p has said. it's grim.
Get out of it NOW
and RUN.

81Byerley · 07/08/2021 23:09

Basically you were not really able to afford the wedding in the first place, and you definitely can't now. I'm so sorry, but if I were you I'd not only be cancelling, I'd be telling him to stay away.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 07/08/2021 23:10

@ny20005

So it's not been your bank account but you get alerts every time he spends money 🤨
It sounds like a joint account as it's to cover house bills and a joint trip. If you think it's a troll then report... otherwise you're just making a real person feeling shit feel even shitter.
Original poster
9daystillwedding · 07/08/2021 23:10

I'm not sure what you mean?

I get alerts from that account everytime money is spent on my Barclays app but his credit card I don't have access to his account unless I use his phone to login to the app as that's not with Barclays and doesn't have my name on it

OP posts:
Luckingfovely · 07/08/2021 23:10

Oh dear.. I know it's heartbreaking, and you really want this, but unfortunately he's shown you that this, and you, are not the priority in his life.

As hard as it is, I'd urge you to gather your thoughts, and your courage, and your backbone, and walk away, towards a better life.

There is hope, even in the midst of heartbreak. And you deserve better than this.

Whattheschitt · 07/08/2021 23:12

@9daystillwedding

I'm not sure what you mean?

I get alerts from that account everytime money is spent on my Barclays app but his credit card I don't have access to his account unless I use his phone to login to the app as that's not with Barclays and doesn't have my name on it

Don't worry OP. Some MN users just love to try and "catch" people out. I bank with Halifax and have the same notifications turned on.
Skysblue · 07/08/2021 23:12

I’m so sorry OP, that really sucks.

This isn’t about exactly what he spent or whether or not strip clubs are ok, it’s about him going over the spending limit you agreed together, plus going somewhere you know would upset you. That lack of self control and lack of respect for you don’t bode well for marriage.

You don’t have to marry him, you also don’t have to leave him over this if you don’t want to.

Whatever you decide, retain as much financial control as you can.

Good luck OP xx

NotWanting · 07/08/2021 23:13

Honestly, yes I'd be cancelling.

Sittinginthesand · 07/08/2021 23:14

If you didn’t have a child I’d say cancel the wedding. But you do - so I’d want to think a bit more about whether you’d be in a better position as a single unmarried mother or as a divorced one - do you work, do you own a house etc?

Original poster
9daystillwedding · 07/08/2021 23:15

Thank you everyone. Nothing I can do for the moment but I cannot wait for the arsehole to charge his phone. I think there is no question to cancel the wedding and work on our relationship as I don't want to throw the towel in for the sake of our son and I do love him. I think he's going to take it badly and potentially end the relationship but time will tell.

OP posts:
sweetheartyparty · 07/08/2021 23:15

You may be able to block your card on the app and unblock when he's out of the club. It's very east to do but not sure how immediate it is

neveradullmoment99 · 07/08/2021 23:17

Well I would cancel on the fact he is going to a strip club.
No way.

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