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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to cancel wedding that's in 9 days

526 replies

9daystillwedding · 07/08/2021 22:13

We are struggling for money at the moment but we didn't want to cancel the wedding and lose the money we had already paid so we have managed to scrape it together and we are eloping just us, our toddler and our parents.

My partner is having a week off work so we need to budget for that week and at the moment living pay check to pay check.

His stag do is tonight and he's spent 230 at a strip club plus around 200 for food and drinks, way over the budget we have agreed meaning we are going to struggle the next 3 weeks now because of this and our going to have to limit the things we do on our trip when we get married.

I'm not ok that firstly he spent so much more than agreed and secondly I'm not ok that he went to the strip club. He didn't discuss going there with me and I'm 100 percent certain he knows I wouldnt be comfortable with it.

I'm considering cancelling the wedding and saying we need to work on things before we can discuss marriage again

Aibu?

OP posts:
Anonymous48 · 08/08/2021 21:17

@ChargingBuck

The thing is, I wouldn't be in that position. She said that her fiancé changed and grew up after she got pregnant. I wouldn't be in a relationship and get pregnant with a man like that in the first place.

Then you are naive & complacent, as well as self-righteous.
The majority of male on female domestic abuse starts happening after the woman becomes pregnant.

You've been lucky, not especially clever.

She didn't say he got worse after she got pregnant. She said he was immature (in what ways we don't really know) before she got pregnant, and then he started growing up. I'm just saying I wouldn't have been in a relationship and gotten pregnant with someone who wasn't already a decent mature person.

You are talking about something completely different.

Heliachi · 09/08/2021 03:03

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

GrandmasCat · 09/08/2021 06:55

Funny to see so many people suggesting seeing a therapist, most people can’t afford one, much less so living on the breadline, and the waiting list for the NHS ones is so long, it is unlikely people will get one when they need it even if the person is on the brink of harming themselves.

liveforsummer · 09/08/2021 08:18

@GrandmasCat

Funny to see so many people suggesting seeing a therapist, most people can’t afford one, much less so living on the breadline, and the waiting list for the NHS ones is so long, it is unlikely people will get one when they need it even if the person is on the brink of harming themselves.
OP mentioned counselling first as a part of her plan!
miltonj · 09/08/2021 08:30

@Shelddd

II don't think the money is a reason to cancel the wedding... but going to a strip club is something he really needed to run by you... if you're not okay with it then its a dealbreaker if he just went. That is reason to cancel the wedding... but I wouldn't do it because of the money, if the money is what is really bothering you. I mean cancelling your wedding over a couple hundred pounds is psychotic.
Not psychotic, if you're on a budget and that money was for essentials, or for the honeymoon. It shows the OP, his priorities are not his family.
AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 09/08/2021 08:34

Not psychotic, if you're on a budget and that money was for essentials, or for the honeymoon. It shows the OP, his priorities are not his family.

Agreed. A couple of hundred pounds is the difference between eating and not eating, having your phone cut off, getting into rent arrears etc. for many people

Dinosaurus123 · 09/08/2021 12:30

Lookslike I'm the only person who wouldn't have an issue with my partner visiting a strip club 😂 yes spending all the money you'd saved was completely idiotic but to me it sounds like he is at least telling the truth about what he spent it on especially since op said he's never done anything like this before and doesn't usually lie. I'm not excusing it, I would be fuming and gutted about the money being wasted like that but I don't think I'd end the whole thing over it (saying that who knows what you would do till it happens to you) I hope you get everything sorted x

Sadiecow · 09/08/2021 18:20

@Dinosaurus123

Lookslike I'm the only person who wouldn't have an issue with my partner visiting a strip club 😂 yes spending all the money you'd saved was completely idiotic but to me it sounds like he is at least telling the truth about what he spent it on especially since op said he's never done anything like this before and doesn't usually lie. I'm not excusing it, I would be fuming and gutted about the money being wasted like that but I don't think I'd end the whole thing over it (saying that who knows what you would do till it happens to you) I hope you get everything sorted x
Do you believe he lost the money? That makes it unbelievable to me.
stepupandbecounted · 09/08/2021 18:31

I don't believe a man would truly respect a woman that is happy for him to pay for sexual encounters of any kind. Most decent men are looking for someone that share the same values.

So I guess those that are happy with the idea of strip clubs will meet the kind of man that cruises seedy strip clubs, because after all they will be very limited in the number of other women willing to accept that dinosaurus Personally I see it as total failure, you are not acknowledging the reality for those that work there, the trafficking, violence and exploitation. Anyone happy to pay to continue this dangerous and demeaning trade is not someone of either sex I would be willing to accept as a friend or partner.
Telling the truth would not make it better, it simply confirms that he is not a decent, wholesome individual, and certainly not someone you would ever actually marry. Made worse by their financial status and a small child to care for.

Saoirse82 · 09/08/2021 19:23

My stance of drugs is the same as yours OP. I'm not aghast at drug taking, it's a standard Saturday night for a lot of people, I think some posters might be shocked at how prevalent they are! It could possibly be an generational thing. The junkie comments are hilarious!

As for everything else I do think if you're having any kind of second thoughts to go with your gut and postpone for now, I would have felt the same if it was my DH. He's behaved really selfishly and let you and your son down but I'm not with the calling him every name under the sun, none of us know him, only you and you say he doesn't usually have form for this type of behaviour. Yes, it was the behaviour of a selfish idiot but that doesn't necessarily mean he IS a selfish idiot. I really feel for your situation though Flowers

hardboiledeggs · 09/08/2021 19:45

I don’t see why you posted tbh, it’s clear that even delaying your wedding, you WILL marry him. Your making excuses for him. He’s spent hundreds of pounds you didn’t have on cocaine! He’s left his child, with no money for food so he could get drugs! Forget the fact he knew it would affect the wedding and you, he prioritised drugs over his child, surely that is an unforgivable act? If you accept that, you will accept almost anything.

ChequerBoard · 09/08/2021 19:54

Whatever your stance on drugs, I can't see how you would be OK with your 'DP' snorting your hard saved for wedding fund up his selfish hooter and then paying for lap dances -and probably other sexual services with the rest!

Why the fuck would you marry such a selfish loser? Don't you and your kids deserve better?

GNCQ · 09/08/2021 20:26

Oh good grief.
I haven't read the full thread I've only read a few updates but sorry but

"I went to a strip club and I lost some money"

😂😂😂 Hahaha hahaha just...... Have a bit more respect OP. Seriously you're worth more than that.

GNCQ · 09/08/2021 20:29

Some blokes think a stag do should involve going to Amsterdam to get laid by a model-looking woman trafficked from Romania. I'm sure they all "lost" money on their trip too.....

Booboosweet · 09/08/2021 21:09

Why did you bother posting when you're not listening to anyone and just making excuses for him.

Seiheiki · 10/08/2021 10:16

@Foofer

Him being honest about disgusting behaviour shouldn’t distract you from his disgusting behaviour.
Absolutely this!
Seiheiki · 10/08/2021 10:17

OP, get him to buy you a book by Dr Jessica Eaton / Taylor called Why Women Are Blamed for Everything.
Read it cover to cover. I really hope that you can develop some self respect. Good luck.

Sal7711 · 10/08/2021 15:24

I think you should talk to him and not throw it all away. Men sometimes do stupid things as far as i can tell from your story , that what he did is what ever Man does on there Stage do.(98%. To expect anything else im sorry to say you don't know men.. I think the money is not the reason u will be calling off the wedding rather than he went to the strip club . If you love him then you can work this out but if you don't then i would not get married for the sake of it. Talk to him make him understand then take it from there . Good luck

LuxOlente · 10/08/2021 15:31

You can do better than a cocaine user who gets lap dances, you know. That's just about the lowest of the low, quality-wise.

He's not going to wake up one morning and become a good person. He is what he is. Most women would recoil at the thought of sitting next to a drug-addled sleaze on a bus, let alone marrying one.

Merryoldgoat · 10/08/2021 22:12

I know some blokes who went to a strip club for a stag do.

During the private dances they were allowed to touch arses and breasts.

For all the people ‘okay with’ strip clubs let’s be honest about the type of places they are. Plenty are allowing sex work - it’s not like the tv. Not all of them but plenty.

pinkflamingo21 · 10/08/2021 22:46

This was on the sun newspaper!!!! 😮

Erwhatno · 10/08/2021 23:51

Gosh op

Sadiecow · 11/08/2021 03:37

@Sal7711

I think you should talk to him and not throw it all away. Men sometimes do stupid things as far as i can tell from your story , that what he did is what ever Man does on there Stage do.(98%. To expect anything else im sorry to say you don't know men.. I think the money is not the reason u will be calling off the wedding rather than he went to the strip club . If you love him then you can work this out but if you don't then i would not get married for the sake of it. Talk to him make him understand then take it from there . Good luck
Oh please, the poor men, they all do it, it's in their DNA!

Keep convincing yourself all men spend money they don't have in strip clubs and snorting cocaine! Oh and of course they also lose some along the way ....... just so they can't be questioned on which activity that was spent on.

Raise your standards and stop with the "women don't know men" if they think they don't all do that. Just because you've got low standards, don't assume we all have.

Plumtree391 · 11/08/2021 14:09

The op hasn't posted since 8th August and it is now 11th. Only five days to go until the wedding, I wonder if she has cancelled it? I think it will go ahead.

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