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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to cancel wedding that's in 9 days

526 replies

9daystillwedding · 07/08/2021 22:13

We are struggling for money at the moment but we didn't want to cancel the wedding and lose the money we had already paid so we have managed to scrape it together and we are eloping just us, our toddler and our parents.

My partner is having a week off work so we need to budget for that week and at the moment living pay check to pay check.

His stag do is tonight and he's spent 230 at a strip club plus around 200 for food and drinks, way over the budget we have agreed meaning we are going to struggle the next 3 weeks now because of this and our going to have to limit the things we do on our trip when we get married.

I'm not ok that firstly he spent so much more than agreed and secondly I'm not ok that he went to the strip club. He didn't discuss going there with me and I'm 100 percent certain he knows I wouldnt be comfortable with it.

I'm considering cancelling the wedding and saying we need to work on things before we can discuss marriage again

Aibu?

OP posts:
spotcheck · 07/08/2021 23:49

Is he maybe paying upfront with everyone paying him back?
I can't see how one person could spend £200 on food

Houseofvelour · 07/08/2021 23:52

What an arsehole. Yanbu

roonthebend · 07/08/2021 23:53

Has he bought cocaine tonight? Only way I could blow through 200 quid on food and drinks is if there was a gram or two of coke being included. Or unless I was at an expensive place or paying for others.

roonthebend · 07/08/2021 23:54

Sorry just seen you'd answered that and it was for two of his meals rather than 1.

butterkistpop · 07/08/2021 23:55

I would cancel. He needs to know there are consequences to his behavior.

GintyMcGinty · 07/08/2021 23:59

If you cancel the wedding you are probably ending your relationship.

Are you ready for that?

maddy68 · 07/08/2021 23:59

Ok. He's been a dick but honestly in most people's terms this isn't a lot of money so for a stag do you should probably have budgeted for more.

Secondly. I would have zero issues in him going to a strio club. Their Uber sleezy but meh i used to work in one. It's basically an expensive bar.

Honestly I think you need to relax otherwise honestly. This relationship is not for you. Your call. But you sound massively over dramatic unless their is a back story

Dita73 · 07/08/2021 23:59

Were you having doubts about marrying him before tonight or is it just because of the stag do?

timeisnotaline · 08/08/2021 00:04

He’s already cancelled it for you- he’s spent all the money for you to do anything. All that’s left to do is telling people it’s off.

WildFlowerBees · 08/08/2021 00:05

@maddy68

Ok. He's been a dick but honestly in most people's terms this isn't a lot of money so for a stag do you should probably have budgeted for more.

Secondly. I would have zero issues in him going to a strio club. Their Uber sleezy but meh i used to work in one. It's basically an expensive bar.

Honestly I think you need to relax otherwise honestly. This relationship is not for you. Your call. But you sound massively over dramatic unless their is a back story

No she's not over dramatic, the money he's spending has already been allocated for bills and their wedding not on some sleezy strip club. Shitty comment.

pinkflamingo21 · 08/08/2021 00:05

Don't be so rude @maddy68 you wouldn't like to be in this position

timeisnotaline · 08/08/2021 00:06

@maddy68 you’ve heard the backstory. They now can’t afford to do anything on their honeymoon and if he keeps spending they won’t have money for food and bills. The op says all this and you’re all ‘oh you should have budgeted more for his piss up’

stayathomer · 08/08/2021 00:06

Stag does are so different to hen does. Hen does the girls all round in offering to pay but nearly every stag there's a big 'drinks are on him' vibe and then there's the drunken stag who just keeps holding up his card because he's caught up in it all (I used to work in a pub that had a lot of hens and stags). I personally would be thinking 'shit,' but also 'that's what happens' but if it does piss you off so much then yes you need to consider if you're a fit

Frodogo · 08/08/2021 00:07

I'd call/text him right now and tell him there's nothing to celebrate because the wedding's off.

Seriously, he's not marriage material. A good man doesn't act like this, and you don't have to settle for it.

justfuckoffthelottayer · 08/08/2021 00:13

So when you posted this he was still out and you haven't spoke to him or discussed it? If so then you are jumping the gun and not giving him a chance to tell you his side. Unless you have other niggling doubts I think personally you are being way ott. He may have paid for food or drink on his card for ease and everyone else will buy drinks or transfer to him later you don't know you are just assuming. Let him have his fun speak to him tomorrow when he's sober and if u don't like what he says then call it off but at least give him a chance to tell you what actually happened instead of jumping to conclusions you sound a bit insecure maybe he has given you other reasons to doubt him but only you know if that is true.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 08/08/2021 00:15

@justfuckoffthelottayer

So when you posted this he was still out and you haven't spoke to him or discussed it? If so then you are jumping the gun and not giving him a chance to tell you his side. Unless you have other niggling doubts I think personally you are being way ott. He may have paid for food or drink on his card for ease and everyone else will buy drinks or transfer to him later you don't know you are just assuming. Let him have his fun speak to him tomorrow when he's sober and if u don't like what he says then call it off but at least give him a chance to tell you what actually happened instead of jumping to conclusions you sound a bit insecure maybe he has given you other reasons to doubt him but only you know if that is true.
Let him have his fun at a strip club paying to be a misogynist with their shared money that they can't afford? God some people have a low bar.

Not enough money for bills and enjoying time together because he's spent it on paying to see women naked.

Not a jealousy thing for me by the way, an anti misogyny and anti disrespect of women in general thing for me.

VenusTiger · 08/08/2021 00:16

Wedding aside for a minute OP - you're living pay-check to pay-check with children and he's at a strip club!!!! spending hundreds on a night out?!!!!
Why on earth is he having a stag do if you're eloping?
How old is he, 20?
Is he a responsible father OP - be honest.

IWishIWasABaller · 08/08/2021 00:19

I'd cancel op listen to your gut. He sounds like an immature man child.Run while you can a broken heart will repair but imagine a lifetime stuck with an idiot like that

Pallisers · 08/08/2021 00:25

You are both living pay check to pay check and unable to have a party for your wedding because of cost - if he spent that amount of money on ANYTHING that was just for himself off on a jolly I'd be angry - angry enough to cancel and reconsider/

On an aside, I would not marry someone who went to a strip club ever. But there are plenty of women on MN who don't see that the way I do. I'd probably add a layer of contempt if he did it when we had no money but I'd already be out the door.

good luck OP. you sound like a nice woman

wobblywinelover · 08/08/2021 00:35

@Confusedandshaken

For purely pragmatic reasons I think you should go ahead with the wedding. The relationship might end at some point and you will have better legal protection as a wife than as a girlfriend.
This . You want to make it work for your son but being unmarried gives you less rights. I really hope it works out for you though
timeisnotaline · 08/08/2021 00:38

Careful on the advice married is more secure, it doesn’t sound like there are any assets or pensions which splitting is worth the cost of a divorce, and an angry man can drag it out. The op will likely end up with more pain and misery, costs to pay and then get nothing but child maintenance at the end of it exactly as if she kicked him out today. I wouldn’t marry him. Cancel the wedding, tell him the relationship needs work and you won’t marry him until you’re a team, and see if he puts in the effort.

Mamanyt · 08/08/2021 00:40

Heaving a great sigh here. First, strip clubs are almost the norm for bachelor dos, you know. I'd have expected that, myself. Perhaps not LIKED it, but the whole point of the event is one last night of madness before married life. THAT SAID, you are entirely reasonable in being taken aback and having serious issues at the amount of money spent over and above what the two of you had agreed on.

I know that a good many people are going to disagree with me on this, but finances are what puts marriages in jeopardy about 90% of the time. And your fiance has proven that he is wiling to ignore a budget to have something he wants. This could very well be the first instance in a pattern of behavior.

If it really disturbs you this much, then you would, in my opinion, be foolish to go through with this marriage at this time. ANY TIME one party has serious reservations about the marriage, the smart move is to delay, or abandon, plans. If more people did that, there would be fewer divorces in the first five years.

notapizzaeater · 08/08/2021 00:46

With just the two of you eloping plus fa,ily if cancel tbh, only a close few know - you need to sit down and discuss why he thinks he can spend all that money when money is tight

youvegottenminuteslynn · 08/08/2021 00:49

Perhaps not LIKED it, but the whole point of the event is one last night of madness before married life.

By a night of madness do you mean to do something out of character that you wouldn't do normally or isn't reflective of who you are?

Or to do something you'd enjoy doing if only you weren't married?

Because I wouldn't want to marry someone who would want to go to a strip club and not think it was gross and demeaning for all involved. Because I don't define it as a night of madness, it's just disrespect for and absence of giving a shit about all women involved... aka misogyny.

If that was someone's character and their choice / default for a 'night of madness' I would absolutely cancel a wedding.

ChargingBuck · 08/08/2021 00:51

@Shelddd

II don't think the money is a reason to cancel the wedding... but going to a strip club is something he really needed to run by you... if you're not okay with it then its a dealbreaker if he just went. That is reason to cancel the wedding... but I wouldn't do it because of the money, if the money is what is really bothering you. I mean cancelling your wedding over a couple hundred pounds is psychotic.
I mean cancelling your wedding over a couple hundred pounds is psychotic.

How lovely for you not to feel £200 is a big deal. It's a month's food for many families, & OP has already explained they will now struggle. If the father of my child prioritised boozing & strip joints over feeding his DC, I would leave him.

& OP isn't wishing to cancel just over money. She's upset due to broken trust, selfishness, underhand dealings, & the sleaze factor.

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