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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to cancel wedding that's in 9 days

526 replies

9daystillwedding · 07/08/2021 22:13

We are struggling for money at the moment but we didn't want to cancel the wedding and lose the money we had already paid so we have managed to scrape it together and we are eloping just us, our toddler and our parents.

My partner is having a week off work so we need to budget for that week and at the moment living pay check to pay check.

His stag do is tonight and he's spent 230 at a strip club plus around 200 for food and drinks, way over the budget we have agreed meaning we are going to struggle the next 3 weeks now because of this and our going to have to limit the things we do on our trip when we get married.

I'm not ok that firstly he spent so much more than agreed and secondly I'm not ok that he went to the strip club. He didn't discuss going there with me and I'm 100 percent certain he knows I wouldnt be comfortable with it.

I'm considering cancelling the wedding and saying we need to work on things before we can discuss marriage again

Aibu?

OP posts:
Pieceofpurplesky · 07/08/2021 22:38

@PollyPepper trip trap as in the Billy goat's gruff/bridge/troll. The PP was accusing the OP of being a troll.

OP go with your gut

PheasantsNest · 07/08/2021 22:39

I'd be cancelling it permanently. Anyone going to a strip club clearly has no respect for women.

TableDesk · 07/08/2021 22:41

Put a block on all cards!

Call off wedding & thank you're lucky stars he showed you this behaviour before the wedding.

Good luck x

VladmirsPoutine · 07/08/2021 22:42

I'm considering cancelling the wedding and saying we need to work on things before we can discuss marriage again

If this is your reaction to his night out at a strip club then you absolutely should not marry him. The rights and wrongs of a strip club are one thing but to really call into question your entire future with him at this point means you really shouldn't go ahead with it.

Tistheseason17 · 07/08/2021 22:43

You can love someone and still then realise they are not the one you want to spend your life with because they are a selfish prick.

Do you want the rest of your life looking like this? This is supposed to be the best part - and it's really not for you! Get out, run.

squiglet111 · 07/08/2021 22:44

So the moneys he's spent was meant to be for rest of wedding? Did you set a budget that he could spend?

Fetasalad · 07/08/2021 22:44

I feel your pain op.. my DH did this on his stag do 15 years ago, got absolutely wasted and literally spent all of the money in our joint account on his stag do. I could have killed him. He had to admit what he'd done to his mum the next day and she kindly lent us the money to pay bills until pay day. I still married him and all these years later we are in a very happy marriage still. I now still use his stag do blow out as my argument (in light hearted mocking jest) when I want to buy something frivolous... it wins the argument every time!

Send him a text to tell him you can see that he's spent x amount and there will be no wedding if he spends anymore, hopefully it'll jolt him into going to bed!

FlorrieLindley · 07/08/2021 22:45

I may be missing the point, but isn't 'eloping' when the two of you just get married in secret? It's not eloping if your DC and your DM are there, and he's having a stag do.
Do you mean perhaps a 'quiet wedding'?

milkytwilight · 07/08/2021 22:45

The bottom line is cancelling a wedding is cheaper than a divorce. You're so close to your wedding when its supposed to be such an exciting time, harmless nerves, a very happy period. If it isn't, then I'd agree that you need to postpone and work on things.

ImRhondaAndthesearentreal · 07/08/2021 22:48

I'm with Barclays and HSBC. Both tell me almost instantly when money has been spent on a card. I use it as a signal for when to put the kettle on as I know my husband is on his way back from the shop.

dustofneptune · 07/08/2021 22:48

The way I see it?

What are the keys to a great marriage?

  1. Financial compatibility. You both work towards the same budget and goals.
  2. Trust and openness. You don't go behind each other's backs. You don't hide things from each other, or do things on the sly knowing the other wouldn't be comfortable.
  3. Communication. You're able to apologise to each other, take accountability, and come up with solutions that work for both people.

If I was in your shoes? I wouldn't get married right now. It doesn't matter how much you've already spent. Divorce would be much more expensive, as would being married to someone who has spending issues.

Shelddd · 07/08/2021 22:48

II don't think the money is a reason to cancel the wedding... but going to a strip club is something he really needed to run by you... if you're not okay with it then its a dealbreaker if he just went. That is reason to cancel the wedding... but I wouldn't do it because of the money, if the money is what is really bothering you. I mean cancelling your wedding over a couple hundred pounds is psychotic.

amusedbush · 07/08/2021 22:50

@3scape

Your banking ap must update remarkably quickly
A notification pops up on my phone every time my bank card is used. This morning I tapped my card in Tesco, my phone immediately buzzed and a bubble popped up saying ‘£XX spent in Tesco’.
PostMenWithACat · 07/08/2021 22:50

Marriage is hard enough when you enter it with no doubts.

ButtonMoonLoon · 07/08/2021 22:50

I’d definitely be cancelling- the strip club alone would have decided that but spending so much money when it hasn’t been budgeted for and will leave things tight is absolutely not ok!

Piggy42 · 07/08/2021 22:50

I would postpone- give yourself time to think. Also, my banking app updates quickly!

Original poster
9daystillwedding · 07/08/2021 22:50

@FlorrieLindley

I may be missing the point, but isn't 'eloping' when the two of you just get married in secret? It's not eloping if your DC and your DM are there, and he's having a stag do. Do you mean perhaps a 'quiet wedding'?
Yes more of a tiny wedding. We were originally eloping but my OH dad was pleased with not being invited
OP posts:
Original poster
9daystillwedding · 07/08/2021 22:52

@squiglet111

So the moneys he's spent was meant to be for rest of wedding? Did you set a budget that he could spend?
Yes he had a set amount he could spent and there was no mention of strip club.

The rest of the money was for bills and to cover our spending while we are away for the week and then to tide us over until my OH next pay day

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 07/08/2021 22:52

Never marry an immature man.

Never marry a selfish man.

Never marry a man who feels entitled to pay for sex in whatever form.

You'd be mad to marry him, OP.

lastcall · 07/08/2021 22:54

You'd be mad to legally tie yourself to this man.

And he didn't give a crap about leaving you and his child in a tight position for the rest of the month so he could drink with his friends and watch other naked women.

nice guy you've got there

LunaLula83 · 07/08/2021 22:54

My partner just asked, why does he need to go to a strip club?

AliceMcK · 07/08/2021 22:55

YABU for not thinking he would go to a strip club on his stag, it’s fairly standard practise. The same with him spending more than budgeted, he’s hardly going to turn around on his own stag and say, right that’s it lads no more. It’s to be expected that these things get out of control.

However, YANBU to cancel a wedding if you are not certain about the relationship and things are so tight your having to watch every penny spent.

LagunaBubbles · 07/08/2021 22:55

Your banking ap must update remarkably quickly

Natwest have a facility they will text every time there is activity on the account.

ChocolateCakeYum · 07/08/2021 22:56

@HollowTalk

Never marry an immature man.

Never marry a selfish man.

Never marry a man who feels entitled to pay for sex in whatever form.

You'd be mad to marry him, OP.

This!
Confusedandshaken · 07/08/2021 22:57

For purely pragmatic reasons I think you should go ahead with the wedding. The relationship might end at some point and you will have better legal protection as a wife than as a girlfriend.