Aibu to cancel wedding that's in 9 days

[9daystillwedding]

We are struggling for money at the moment but we didn't want to cancel the wedding and lose the money we had already paid so we have managed to scrape it together and we are eloping just us, our toddler and our parents.

My partner is having a week off work so we need to budget for that week and at the moment living pay check to pay check.

His stag do is tonight and he's spent 230 at a strip club plus around 200 for food and drinks, way over the budget we have agreed meaning we are going to struggle the next 3 weeks now because of this and our going to have to limit the things we do on our trip when we get married.

I'm not ok that firstly he spent so much more than agreed and secondly I'm not ok that he went to the strip club. He didn't discuss going there with me and I'm 100 percent certain he knows I wouldnt be comfortable with it.

I'm considering cancelling the wedding and saying we need to work on things before we can discuss marriage again

Aibu?

I sincerely hope this isn't real but if it is, I'm surprised your tolerance level is so low.

He's calmed down since your son arrived but he's just blown a massive amount of money (that you couldn't afford to be spent) on strippers and drugs etc and he had the cheek to tell you to grow up?

I'd be telling him to look in the mirror!
Actually, I'd be telling him to fuck off.
How unattractive. Fucking idiot.
And you'd be an idiot to let it drop and accept it.

Protect yourself OP and get back to work.

You need to protect yourself from such a waster.

You and your baby deserve better than a man who blows family money, when you clearly have so little.

saraclara and EarringsandLipstick , excellent posts.

Good luck to the op.

@billy1966

Protect yourself OP and get back to work.

You need to protect yourself from such a waster.

You and your baby deserve better than a man who blows family money, when you clearly have so little.

Wasters don't work seven day weeks.

As I said above (and I'm not excusing the man's behaviour AT ALL) people are not one dimensional. OP seems to me to be very sensible. She knows this man better than we do, and he may well not be the lost cause that MN has decided he is, given the other information she's given us. And again, she's cancelled the wedding! She's hardly being a pushover.

Do you know the cost of 2 gram of cocaine is £180?
Maybe the strip club only lets you take out £100 at a time so he had to do it in two transactions
I'm not suggesting he took 2g himself. I think he's bought it and dished it out to to his pals.
Again being an idiot.
His stag do and he pays for THEIR dances, drinks, food and coke.
How generous of him. Whilst his wife-to-be is already managing money payday to payday worried a little pamper for herself might take them a bit over budget. And he's out splashing on every Tom Dick and Harry.
I know you keep saying 'we should have postponed sooner' etc but stop beating yourself up about this. Right, you didn't postpone. So what. You were still going to make it work. Until he does this.

I honestly believe you when you talk about your DP changing/growing up and this is a blow out etc. And I get your relaxed reaction and expectations to him taking a bit of coke on his night out - I have the same sort of relationship. When we fell pregnant my house turned teetotal but the difference is that my DP still wouldn't be pushed back over the edge to this behaviour. He's a family man 100% now. Yours doesn't seem to put your family first (especially you) at all.
I do think you should cancel the wedding. But not because of finances, to work on your relationship
All the best

YANBU. Maybe it is because you have been in abusive relationships in the past but you have set a massively low bar in choosing this man. A drug user (whether occasional or regular) is a massive red flag, someone who spends money on himself and his mates without thought or consideration for his family and who quite frankly sounds downright unpleasant let alone the sleaziness of going to a strip club and paying to ogle other womens bodies. I would be kicking him out and cancelling the wedding full stop. Is this man a good father to your son because he sounds like a terrible example as a parent and definitely not husband material?

@EarringsandLipstick

The only partner I ever had (I've had 4- and I'm 50) who could budget was the one who had anger issues and wanted to be in control..

You've made really poor relationship choices then.

Hahaha thanks - that's what I meant about the judgemental comments. I was married for 24 years to a lovely man.. not sure if that makes it worse or better in your eyes

@speakout not it isn’t because the OP has made it clear she has no issue with it. It’s generally more helpful to reply the issues she’s raised instead of derailing with what you’ve decided the issues should be.

Actually, I won't.

I know you will - you're well known for the head girl act. People will keep calling you out it, thankfully.

He's a real gem-strip clubs, cocaine, stealing money from his fiancée and baby's mouth, stealing money his friend gave him to buy beer? Yeah,we are just all judgmental mothers, huh @Maximum71?!

@VodselForDinner

Men in general are crap at budgettering

Indeed this is the very reason that so few men were ever successful in senior finance positions, or as CEOs.

I've worked in the corporate world for 25 years. I've worked closely with CEO's, Presidents, Vice Presidents and Managing Directors- and generally speaking: If they weren't earning big money they would be crap at budgeting - believe me. Easy to budget when you earn a lot

Whyo

Whether or not the OP has a problem with the drug talling does not mean it isn't potentially problematic.
The children get no say - and yet could find their stability and financial security at risk.
The OP may be fine with that- but that does not remove the risk.

Hahaha thanks - that's what I meant about the judgemental comments. I was married for 24 years to a lovely man.. not sure if that makes it worse or better in your eyes

My comment related only to your claim that in 4 relationships you dad, only 1 partner could budget, and he was controlling.

Most adults can, and must, budget. It's not , and should not be, the preserve of women.

Your comment that only the abusive partner budgeted implied there was a link between men who budget, and abusive relationships.

Not remotely sure what your reply about your happy marriage has to do with your original comment, which is what I took issue with.

I agree with @AlternativePerspective. Lost money in a cash point? Yeah right! Lost money paying for sex from an exploited and possibly trafficked woman more like.

Open your eyes OP, there are more holes in his already pretty awful story of the night than in your average colander!

@HeyDemonsItsYaGirl

Actually, I won't.

I know you will - you're well known for the head girl act. People will keep calling you out it, thankfully.

What are you talking about?

@saraclara

FFS, what a pile on.

This is a horrible situation, but OP absolutely does not deserve the kicking she's getting.

People are not one dimensional. They change as they mature (thank goodness). OP's partner has been a complete idiot, but I can totally believe that in general he's changed and stepped up, and this was hopefuly a one off slip up. I know people myself who've gone through the wild daft stuff and come out of it as mature and sensible citizens. His friends, it seems, haven't. But at least this guy has owned what he's done.

OP has said over and over again, that he's not getting out of this easily. She's postponing the wedding and insisting on counselling. When they have a small child, that sounds a very sensible way to approach this. The chorus of LTB and victim-blaming based purely on this one night, is really unpleasant to read.

Hear hear! This!

The more I read your replies OP the more I think this must be a wind up.
You posted about the money your partner blew on strippers, booze and coke and then just defend his shitty behaviour.
I'm not sure why you posted tbh because you're obviously cool with his behaviour in which case you should definitely get married.
Otherwise read what posters are saying and dump him today and THEN get therapy for yourself.
On the offchance this is even a genuine thread this is not what a good relationship looks like and it will only get much worse. Value yourself more than this.

@HeyDemonsItsYaGirl

I just feel so sorry for that little baby who's going to grow up into a trashy man like his father, thinking women are doormats to be used for sex. So much wasted potential

Just repeating your horrible comment so we're clear on what you said.

You don't know anything about OP's baby or his future, and what he will or won't believe.

You also talk about 'feeling sorry' but not apparently for the OP, who has posted about a difficult situation looking for help, and you insinuate she's a bad mother who won't raise her son well.

It's fair enough if you think OP should leave or that the relationship isn't healthy to raise a baby.

But you can make those points without attacking the OP as a parent, and then personalising to me (not that I care) because you are called out on it.

just another sanity-check that taking coke on a rare night out is not the same as being 'a junkie'. A huge swathe of Mumsnet seems to point-blank refuse to believe that normal, pleasant, functional, successful individuals take recreational drugs without their lives spiralling into Trainspotting.
Whether it's ethical to do so, and whether the OP's partner was right to spaff his money on it when things have been so tight, are different questions.

As for everything else I'm with SaraClara's summation. Sorry you are being put through the wringer, OP.

I'm not sure why you posted tbh because you're obviously cool with his behaviour in which case you should definitely get married.

I completely agree. The OP already has a child with this man, clearly wants to stay with him, and is only pissed off because he spent a few hundred quid extra, so she might as well crack on and get married. He can always earn the wedding spend money again afterwards as he's such a hard worker.

@EKGEMS

He's a real gem-strip clubs, cocaine, stealing money from his fiancée and baby's mouth, stealing money his friend gave him to buy beer? Yeah,we are just all judgmental mothers, huh *@Maximum71*?!

He's an imperfect unique person, just like everyone else.

Listen to your gut. In your shoes I don't think I'd be able to go ahead with the wedding. I'm sorry and I hope you are ok

@Maximum71 Are you drunk? I in no way said he wasn't worthy of being considered a human being without basic rights and dignity. However he's mistreated his fiancée and his son by his foolish and reckless behavior. I don't know what the laws in UK are concerning possession of cocaine but he could've been arrested for it and had brought on a whole host of other issues!

Honestly OP you can get extras at some clubs(despite the fact that it's not supposed to happen anymore)so I'd be worried that he got alot more than a lap dance for his money!

A huge swathe of Mumsnet seems to point-blank refuse to believe that normal, pleasant, functional, successful individuals take recreational drugs without their lives spiralling into Trainspotting.

what ?????