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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to cancel wedding that's in 9 days

526 replies

9daystillwedding · 07/08/2021 22:13

We are struggling for money at the moment but we didn't want to cancel the wedding and lose the money we had already paid so we have managed to scrape it together and we are eloping just us, our toddler and our parents.

My partner is having a week off work so we need to budget for that week and at the moment living pay check to pay check.

His stag do is tonight and he's spent 230 at a strip club plus around 200 for food and drinks, way over the budget we have agreed meaning we are going to struggle the next 3 weeks now because of this and our going to have to limit the things we do on our trip when we get married.

I'm not ok that firstly he spent so much more than agreed and secondly I'm not ok that he went to the strip club. He didn't discuss going there with me and I'm 100 percent certain he knows I wouldnt be comfortable with it.

I'm considering cancelling the wedding and saying we need to work on things before we can discuss marriage again

Aibu?

OP posts:
MsPavlichenko · 08/08/2021 12:30

Abusers are rarely abusive all of the time. Indeed they may be nice some or most of it. Still abusers though.

SunshineCake · 08/08/2021 12:30

So

He speaks to you like crap
Steals from his mate
Does drugs
Pays women to get their clothes off and dance naked near him
Needs you to mother him by removing money so he can't spend it

He's a shit partner. A terrible role model to his son. You would be a fool to stay with him and honestly, haven't been through a terrible childhood and previous abusive romantic relationships you should know this is not a good place to be for you never mind a poor defenceless child.

endofthelinefinally · 08/08/2021 12:31

Where is he from OP? Does he have British citizenship or permanent right to remain?

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 08/08/2021 12:32

Using cocaine and sexually exploiting women when you’re young, free and can afford it is morally dubious at best.
Using cocaine and sexually exploiting women when you have a child and can barely make ends meet is neglect.

I can see where this is going though because it’s only taken him a few hours and a few half truths to break your resolve.
He’s handed you an opportunity to see your future together on a plate. It’s a shame you’d rather cover your eyes and ears over it because he “goes to work”.

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 08/08/2021 12:33

How much went on the credit card? Get him
to show you a photo shot of his account.

lifeinlimbo2020 · 08/08/2021 12:36

@3scape

Your banking ap must update remarkably quickly
All apps update immediately these days Hmm if DH goes in Sainsburys the minute he pays the nectar app pops up with 'thanks for shopping with us', Lidl have an immediate digital receipt, pending items are immediate on online banking ...... all pretty standard in these crazy modern times.
inappropriateraspberry · 08/08/2021 12:36

Sounds like a crock of shit to me. That's a lot of money to lose, leave in cash points etc.
Plus drugs! Personally, I wouldn't be so bothered about him being at the strip club (it's a stag do, kind of traditional), but spending losing all that money? Just terrible - no respect for you or your child.
Please don't marry him, his behaviour is truly awful.

Needapoodle · 08/08/2021 12:38

He has stepped up and is a amazing father to our son.

Apart from taking money that could have been spent on his son and snorting it. All that time he spent working for his coke and strip club money he could have spent with his child. That's what an amazing dad would have done.

You might as well go ahead and get married tbh. It seems like you're going to at some point.

Original poster
9daystillwedding · 08/08/2021 12:43

@LIZS

He was "drunk and stupid", that's the best he can come up with? ShockNo apology for wasting money you can ill afford, behaving in a way he knew would upset you, causing you stress, drinking and doing drugs like he is a teenager? He knew what was at stake and has let you both down. Cancel the wedding and look at your longer term options. Can you put your ds in childcare and work to fund uni in future? Does he need you and your ds to stay resident here?
We are cancelling the wedding for now and going to try and work on things before we think of rescheduling if it works out of course. Yes I will probably be putting him in childcare in the near future. No he has dual citizenship
OP posts:
Original poster
9daystillwedding · 08/08/2021 12:45

@endofthelinefinally

Where is he from OP? Does he have British citizenship or permanent right to remain?
His parents are both British he was just born and raised overseas so he is a British citizen
OP posts:
endofthelinefinally · 08/08/2021 12:46

I despise people who use cocaine because of the appalling death, destruction, exploitation and abuse that goes with it.
Young kids getting stabbed and shot, county lines, the horrific stuff that goes on in the countrues where it is produced. I can't understand how anybody thinks this is ok.

saraclara · 08/08/2021 12:46

FFS, what a pile on.

This is a horrible situation, but OP absolutely does not deserve the kicking she's getting.

People are not one dimensional. They change as they mature (thank goodness). OP's partner has been a complete idiot, but I can totally believe that in general he's changed and stepped up, and this was hopefuly a one off slip up. I know people myself who've gone through the wild daft stuff and come out of it as mature and sensible citizens. His friends, it seems, haven't. But at least this guy has owned what he's done.

OP has said over and over again, that he's not getting out of this easily. She's postponing the wedding and insisting on counselling. When they have a small child, that sounds a very sensible way to approach this. The chorus of LTB and victim-blaming based purely on this one night, is really unpleasant to read.

Whyo · 08/08/2021 12:48

Zero issue with the cocaine, illegal or not it’s a fact of life and the derailing is unhelpful.

The lying is the issue despite your insistence to the contrary. He used the card at the strip club to tell you he was there? Come on now how does that not infuriate you? Lying is a problem.

He also budgets like a teenager blasting 500 quid on one night out. He’s prioritised a night out over you that again is a problem.

It doesn’t sound like you can afford to get married, and after last night I think it’s better you don’t. Postpone it to save and also evaluate if you’re happy to continue with the above having happened.

rockingthelook · 08/08/2021 12:50

Work on your own self esteem, hopefully you will gain the confidence to understand what people are saying to you on this forum, You posted because you g=have doubts, hurt and angry, now you are being defensive because in the cold light of day you know that all the comments are making are true.
This man doesn't respect you, try to remember cocaine is still an illegal drug, and an expensive and harmful habit to have, it breaks down your inhibitions so God knows what he got up to at the strip club. Basically all his excuses are a load of crap, given that apparently beer is cheaper in England than Wales, I'm getting a van for me and my friends to do a booze cruise over the border! And remember when someone show you who they are, then thats who that are ....get rid or you will never have peace and happiness

RaginaPhalange · 08/08/2021 12:55

Yanbu, he's being a selfish arse. If my dp his bags would be packed and at the front door for when he returned. How dare he spend the money you need for the next few weeks for bills etc.

Anonanon1234 · 08/08/2021 12:55

@9daystillwedding

I was replying to the comment. I didn't mean he does drugs just not excessively. He doesn't do drugs and hasn't until last night since before we found out we were pregnant.

He changed and really grew up almost immediately when we found out

How old is baby?

You also said you moved 2 hours away, so he hasn't had a night out in ages....plus lockdown....but first chance to 'go large or go home' and he does coke and strippers?? I'd be incredibly wary of marrying this guy...he sounds like a teenage boys rather than a responsible adult.

I am absolutely anti Class-A drugs. You need to work on your boundaries

EarringsandLipstick · 08/08/2021 12:57

@HeyDemonsItsYaGirl

No, I just don't think it's ok to abuse a poster asking for help.

You're a disgrace.

Oh shh.

Actually, I won't.

I'll continue to call out nasty unfounded posts like yours, that predict a future for a small baby that you've no knowledge of.

Again, you are a disgrace.

RandomCatGenerator · 08/08/2021 12:58

OP, you’re getting a right kicking. Ignore the nasty posters and the troll hunters.

If I was you, I’d be bloody furious at him for being so selfish to spend so much money given your financial position.

Well done for being brave and cancelling the wedding. Counselling sounds like an excellent idea to work on the relationship before you marry this man - and if he doesn’t agree, well, then you review whether the marriage happens at all.

I’m sorry you’re in this super shitty position and that he’s shown himself to be a dick - sounds like YANBU and are doing the right thing Flowers

speakout · 08/08/2021 12:59

Zero issue with the cocaine, illegal or not it’s a fact of life and the derailing is unhelpful.

It isn't de-railing. It's an example of how he is willing to throw the stability of his family under the bus for his own pleasure.

ajja2021 · 08/08/2021 13:00

I'd cancel

EarringsandLipstick · 08/08/2021 13:00

@saraclara

FFS, what a pile on.

This is a horrible situation, but OP absolutely does not deserve the kicking she's getting.

People are not one dimensional. They change as they mature (thank goodness). OP's partner has been a complete idiot, but I can totally believe that in general he's changed and stepped up, and this was hopefuly a one off slip up. I know people myself who've gone through the wild daft stuff and come out of it as mature and sensible citizens. His friends, it seems, haven't. But at least this guy has owned what he's done.

OP has said over and over again, that he's not getting out of this easily. She's postponing the wedding and insisting on counselling. When they have a small child, that sounds a very sensible way to approach this. The chorus of LTB and victim-blaming based purely on this one night, is really unpleasant to read.

Good post.

I am less inclined to believe that he is a good long-term prospect but the mob mentality of so many posters here is awful.

I agree postponing the wedding & seeking counselling is a good start, and would encourage OP to return to employment to widen her options too.

Antiqueanniesmagiclanternshow · 08/08/2021 13:02

How old are you both and how old is your baby?

Magicpaintbrush · 08/08/2021 13:06

If my DH/partner had a lap dance I would divorce him.

That's cheating in my book.

Tonkerbea · 08/08/2021 13:13

I'd echo pp who have said to use this as a wake up call. You need to build yourself back up, get a career that can help provide for your son, it might even help your anxiety? Lead to friendships?

You might not want to put your child in nursery, but ultimately having a happy, fulfilled mother is beneficial to him. Don't rely on this man, he doesn't sound trustworthy

Blowing money on lap dances and drugs whilst living hand to mouth is pretty unforgivable. Don't make excuses for him. I hope you're ok, it must be such a shock.

WildFlowerBees · 08/08/2021 13:15

@Mamanyt

Heaving a great sigh here. First, strip clubs are almost the norm for bachelor dos, you know. I'd have expected that, myself. Perhaps not LIKED it, but the whole point of the event is one last night of madness before married life. THAT SAID, you are entirely reasonable in being taken aback and having serious issues at the amount of money spent over and above what the two of you had agreed on.

I know that a good many people are going to disagree with me on this, but finances are what puts marriages in jeopardy about 90% of the time. And your fiance has proven that he is wiling to ignore a budget to have something he wants. This could very well be the first instance in a pattern of behavior.

If it really disturbs you this much, then you would, in my opinion, be foolish to go through with this marriage at this time. ANY TIME one party has serious reservations about the marriage, the smart move is to delay, or abandon, plans. If more people did that, there would be fewer divorces in the first five years.

It maybe the norm for a certain type of man but not all. It's not normal to go to a strip club and objectify women in that way.

Some men are pretty decent.