Aibu to cancel wedding that's in 9 days

[9daystillwedding]

We are struggling for money at the moment but we didn't want to cancel the wedding and lose the money we had already paid so we have managed to scrape it together and we are eloping just us, our toddler and our parents.

My partner is having a week off work so we need to budget for that week and at the moment living pay check to pay check.

His stag do is tonight and he's spent 230 at a strip club plus around 200 for food and drinks, way over the budget we have agreed meaning we are going to struggle the next 3 weeks now because of this and our going to have to limit the things we do on our trip when we get married.

I'm not ok that firstly he spent so much more than agreed and secondly I'm not ok that he went to the strip club. He didn't discuss going there with me and I'm 100 percent certain he knows I wouldnt be comfortable with it.

I'm considering cancelling the wedding and saying we need to work on things before we can discuss marriage again

Aibu?

OP you have to stop making excuses for his behaviour and blaming his friends.

You are deluded OP. He still has a drug use problem.

In that, he hasn’t once thought about you or your son and spent money that takes food from yours and his child’s mouth to get off and get high.

If he HAD changed he wouldn’t have done this. He is appeasing you, not changing for himself and that is incredibly shaky ground for any relationship.

He wants to be the man he is showing you he was last night. Because this will happen again and again.

Anyone else notice the amount of men posting on MN these days, posing as 'mums' and saying how cool they would be with XYZ, telling women to stfu and put up with shitty behaviour from men?

You say he isn't a liar OP but I don't believe a word that fell out of his mouth this morning. He lost a lot of money in that strip club didn't he? I mean at least £100 he can't account for...

You're making excuses for him and obviously going to stay with him so buckle in and get used to being skint because your soon to be H likes spending your money on marginalised women and coke.
I'd be highly surprised if what he paid for last night stopped at mere 'dancing'.

@mylovelydd

Anyone else notice the amount of men posting on MN these days, posing as 'mums' and saying how cool they would be with XYZ, telling women to stfu and put up with shitty behaviour from men?

You say he isn't a liar OP but I don't believe a word that fell out of his mouth this morning. He lost a lot of money in that strip club didn't he? I mean at least £100 he can't account for...

You're making excuses for him and obviously going to stay with him so buckle in and get used to being skint because your soon to be H likes spending your money on marginalised women and coke.
I'd be highly surprised if what he paid for last night stopped at mere 'dancing'.

How would you know they are men?

I think we do need to sort out a few things and I think I'm going to suggest seeing a therapist together so we can make sure we are definitely on the same page

See a therapist for yourself so you can realise that your past abusive relationships have led you to a point where you have zero standards when it comes to having a life partner. Work on your self esteem and don't waste a penny trying to change him. You think he's better since having your dc yet last night shows he's still a drug user, has zero respect for women and was happy to piss away a load of cash for his gratification. Disgusting!

@thecatsthecats

Those friends he bought the lap dances for - do they have girlfriends?

Because I think that men (or women) who have friends who encourage infidelity is a big red flag.

My husband went to a strip club in the early days of our relationship, with some university flatmates. He wasn't strong willed enough to say no, but he did spend the entire time texting his gay best friend, talking about how disgusting it was in there. His best friend encouraged him to be honest with me even though I'd never met him - and he called out my husband when he was daft and rude about my family once.

This is not to say that they don't have a fun relationship and muck around like bell ends together too - but I wouldn't be with a man whose friends were a bunch of skeevy losers who would egg him on to a lap dance. Low standards breed low standards.

They are about 15 years older than us. One has a wife and kids and the other is single but we are also friends and he wouldn't encourage him to cheat or anything. They probably just see nothing wrong with strip clubs.

Him being honest about disgusting behaviour shouldn’t distract you from his disgusting behaviour.

@PerciphonePuma

So he's a druggie as well as a drunk. Nice

An occasional drink doesn't make him a drunk but yes he did drugs once in the last 3 years...

@9daystillwedding Good that you're postponing till you get counselling together. How did he take it?

OP, he may be wonderful most of the time but if you marry him, he will continue to spend money the two of you don't have on things for himself, when he feels like it, especially if he justifies to himself that he can make the money up by doing extra hours.

Given your background re: mum and ex I think your expectations, boundaries and self esteem may be lower than you think. It would be good to build up your boundaries, friendships and career so you're as strong as you can be as an individual.

If he truly is an honest man then do ask him to do what @HalzTangz suggested and appeal to his friends for their share of the strippers and drugs. I'm sure if he explains it was his wedding money they'll understand.

Bleurgh. Yeah they sound like a really nice crowd.

@Foofer

Him being honest about disgusting behaviour shouldn’t distract you from his disgusting behaviour.

It hasn't, he's not in the clear by any means.

I just don't think it's fair to call him a liar when he has never been a liar. He's worked hard on himself for us and as people here don't know him like I do I just want to make sure I'm representing him fairly and not just me slagging him off for going to a strip club and wasting our money

OP, you keep saying, “he grew up overnight when he found out we were pregnant,” as if this is something to be proud of

He should have been a “grown up” to begin with!

Seriously, how old are you both?

Working hard when you have no money and a baby does not make him exceptional (as you seem to believe). This is basic. Why are your standards so low?

The fact he “works hard” does not give him the right to blow all your money on strippers!

If it was the kind of place where it’s £10 per dance, that is a very low-grade, seedy club. Think about the women in there and what may have led them to need to work in such a place. What does this say about his attitude to women?

Bring drunk and off his face is no excuse. Would you pay for a young man to grind his parts in your face? Or would you feel ashamed / exploitative and concerned about why he needed to do that for a tenner?

I’m in my late 40s OP, and I can tell you that if you have no respect for the man you are with, it’s a dead end to nowhere, it really is. How can you respect a man who would spend the little money you have on some strippers (who may have been trafficked, abused or be totally desperate - but he wouldn’t know as he never bother to ask did he)? All while you are at home looking after his child, anxious and basically living pay cheque to pay cheque by the sounds of it. It’s utterly diabolical.

If you accept this, you are basically giving him the green light to disrespect you and your children for life. This type of man does NOT change.

Integrity is something you either have or you don’t. This man does not. Actions speak louder than words - so look at his actions. Don’t listen to whatever drivel he spouts today.

There is a whole world of decent men out there. Real men who would never treat the mother of their child like this. He is preventing you from finding one. I’m really sorry.

[quote WarOnWoman]@9daystillwedding Good that you're postponing till you get counselling together. How did he take it?

OP, he may be wonderful most of the time but if you marry him, he will continue to spend money the two of you don't have on things for himself, when he feels like it, especially if he justifies to himself that he can make the money up by doing extra hours.

Given your background re: mum and ex I think your expectations, boundaries and self esteem may be lower than you think. It would be good to build up your boundaries, friendships and career so you're as strong as you can be as an individual. [/quote]
He's not happy, he understands but I think he's just embarrassed to tell his parents as they will ask why.
Yes I'm working on myself, i plan to see my therapist again whether he chooses to do it together or not, we just have cut a lot of our expenses lately due to making sure the wedding was sorted. I also have plans to go back to university and change up my career as I didn't love what I did before my son was born I'm just struggling with putting my son into nursey but the plan is by next September

So, he’s honest about being a misogynist cokehead who is happy to exploit women as commodities in a strip club, and snort £200 plus up his nose.

If he’s honest about that, then I wonder what he isn’t being honest about.

You’re deluded about this bloke. No cokehead is “a good man.” He’s a junky who has no regard for anyone but himself.

And this relaxed attitude your family had to drug taking, would these be the same family who abused you to the point you struggle to make friends?

Will you be relaxed about your DS snorting coke when he’s older too?

I would bet my house that he wasn’t paying for lapdances but that he paid for a hooker.

Seriously OP raise your standards.

I'm gobsmacked that you think the problem here is mainly one of his budgeting skills, rather than what it says about him that he chooses to spend that money on strippers and coke. Your boundaries are non-existent. And being hardworking isn't a virtue if that is what you're going to do with your money. How many hours did he work for all that money that he's snorted up his nose and ground on his lap? That's time he could have been spending with his child.

You’ve justified all of the red flags here in your head, so what is there to postpone for?

According to you, everything he did has a reason, and he was “honest” so that’s all right.

Have you checked custody of children in the country he’s from? Being married could out your child at risk of being separated from him. Worth a googgle.

Also please don’t have therapy with him. Have individual therapy to work in your own self-esteem and boundaries.

I’m sorry to sound harsh, but I’ve seen so many women be in this type of “death by a thousand cuts” relationship. It wears you down until there is nothing left.

I think it's okay to go a bit mad on your stag do or hen do. Strip clubs (rightly or wrongly) are a pretty stereotypical stag thing to do. And not all cocaine users are dependent and some people do dip in and out of it without too much issue, granted others not so fortunate.
I think postponing it was a sensible idea, to me it was the budget thing that was the main issue. If there were patterns of behaviour he was repeating then OP shouldn't give him another chance. She's not thee yet IMO

He couldn't phone you because his phone was dead, so he left a trail of breadcrumbs via the strip place ATM instead?

Yeah because none of his mates have a phone he could have borrowed.

He's not even a good liar.

@AlternativePerspective

So, he’s honest about being a misogynist cokehead who is happy to exploit women as commodities in a strip club, and snort £200 plus up his nose.

If he’s honest about that, then I wonder what he isn’t being honest about.

You’re deluded about this bloke. No cokehead is “a good man.” He’s a junky who has no regard for anyone but himself.

And this relaxed attitude your family had to drug taking, would these be the same family who abused you to the point you struggle to make friends?

Will you be relaxed about your DS snorting coke when he’s older too?

I would bet my house that he wasn’t paying for lapdances but that he paid for a hooker.

Seriously OP raise your standards.

There a huge different between a junkie and someone who has done cocaine once in 3 years. I used to do cocaine as a teenager not certainly doesn't make me a junkie.

I'm not saying it's OK but I'm saying it's not something I'm going to leave him for when it's a one off

The strip club and blowing the money is my issue which yes is unacceptable and he is not just forgiven for it.. there is going to he consequences.

But lol he definitely didn't pay for an hookers

Then he needs to sell some of his possessions to recoup that money.
He's too proud to ask his so called mates to contribute, yet these so called mates were happy to take what was offered.

Tell him to suck up his pride and ask for their share, or sell stuff to replace the money.

Letting him not replace it tells him he can do this again when he pleases in the future.

@gwenneh

You’ve justified all of the red flags here in your head, so what is there to postpone for?

According to you, everything he did has a reason, and he was “honest” so that’s all right.

Because there's no longer enough money to fund it and eat and pay bills I guess. He still has to replace the second £100 he 'lost' that was his friends beer money.

He was "drunk and stupid", that's the best he can come up with? No apology for wasting money you can ill afford, behaving in a way he knew would upset you, causing you stress, drinking and doing drugs like he is a teenager? He knew what was at stake and has let you both down. Cancel the wedding and look at your longer term options. Can you put your ds in childcare and work to fund uni in future? Does he need you and your ds to stay resident here?