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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to cancel wedding that's in 9 days

526 replies

9daystillwedding · 07/08/2021 22:13

We are struggling for money at the moment but we didn't want to cancel the wedding and lose the money we had already paid so we have managed to scrape it together and we are eloping just us, our toddler and our parents.

My partner is having a week off work so we need to budget for that week and at the moment living pay check to pay check.

His stag do is tonight and he's spent 230 at a strip club plus around 200 for food and drinks, way over the budget we have agreed meaning we are going to struggle the next 3 weeks now because of this and our going to have to limit the things we do on our trip when we get married.

I'm not ok that firstly he spent so much more than agreed and secondly I'm not ok that he went to the strip club. He didn't discuss going there with me and I'm 100 percent certain he knows I wouldnt be comfortable with it.

I'm considering cancelling the wedding and saying we need to work on things before we can discuss marriage again

Aibu?

OP posts:
Inertia · 08/08/2021 14:29

I think your boundaries are all over the place, perhaps as a result of previous abusive relationships. It might be worth considering solo counselling for you, to give you the skills and confidence to recognise and refuse to accept such low standards from a partner.

He isn’t an amazing father. Amazing fathers don’t use the money saved to house and feed their children on strippers, cocaine and alcohol. The money he squandered was clearly a very significant sum to your household, but he has so little respect for you and his child that he’d rather see you go hungry than forgo his drugs, alcohol, strip club and treating his friends. Don’t kid yourself that this will be the last time- there’s always an excuse.

GCAcademic · 08/08/2021 14:33

@QueenBee52

A huge swathe of Mumsnet seems to point-blank refuse to believe that normal, pleasant, functional, successful individuals take recreational drugs without their lives spiralling into Trainspotting.

what ?????

It's a film. Don't worry, we're not worried about cocaine use being a gateway hobby to spotting trains.
DeflatedGinDrinker · 08/08/2021 14:46

I'm either having fabulous dejavu or I read this same story on here months ago.

QueenBee52 · 08/08/2021 14:49

It's a film. Don't worry, we're not worried about cocaine use being a gateway hobby to spotting trains.

I know it's a Film.. I was an extra in the Night Club scene 🤣

Ruddyknackered · 08/08/2021 15:14

Sounds a relationship made in heaven...Wink

Sadiecow · 08/08/2021 15:23

He "lost" the money you say................ of course he did.

Stop believing him, he is lying.

Drink, strip club, cocaine, all that he can't afford and he just conveniently "lost" some money also.

If you believe that fairy story, you need to think long and hard about cancelling the wedding and not postponing it. If you do decide to go ahead at a later date, I suggest he skips the stag night.

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 08/08/2021 15:28

@Sadiecow

He "lost" the money you say................ of course he did.

Stop believing him, he is lying.

Drink, strip club, cocaine, all that he can't afford and he just conveniently "lost" some money also.

If you believe that fairy story, you need to think long and hard about cancelling the wedding and not postponing it. If you do decide to go ahead at a later date, I suggest he skips the stag night.

Hahaha good point! If OP is postponing the wedding, he’ll not believe his luck at the prospect of another stag!
ChargingBuck · 08/08/2021 15:29

He is the hardest working man I have ever met.

My apologies, OP.

The rest of your comment I understand, it was stupid and immature of him. I have insisted we postpone and see a therapist before we re consider a wedding

Please do yourself a huge favour, & see a therapist but NOT as a couple.
I am concerned about your lack of boundaries - & this is not a criticism, it's an understanding of what a crap relationship with an abusive mother does to daughters.

You already have an abusive relationship with a man under your belt too - & that is precisely what happens when women go from a poor upbringing with an abusive mother without getting any intervention in the form of therapy & education. THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT.
But you are minimising some pretty seriosu wrongdoing & selfishness from your partner.

You need to access some therapy just for yourself,
Start with www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/
(You will recognise your mother &her tactics in this as well as your previous b/f)
You can sdo this course online, & there are resources & advice that will point you in the direction of an experienced therapist. You deserve to unpick the trauma of your childhood & relationship history, & be given a toolkit to ensure that you are comfortable & adept at putting your & DC's needs at the forefront of your life.

Here's another one - an oldie but a goodie -
www.amazon.co.uk/Woman-Your-Own-Right-Assertiveness/dp/0704334208?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

Please make this investment in yourself - for your own & your son's sake.

lazylinguist · 08/08/2021 15:39

A huge swathe of Mumsnet seems to point-blank refuse to believe that normal, pleasant, functional, successful individuals take recreational drugs without their lives spiralling into Trainspotting.

Some might think that it will spiral into Trainspotting. The rest of us just think it's a scummy, twattish thing to and that supports the various awfulnesses of the drug trade. Functional and successful people should know better.

tintodeverano2 · 08/08/2021 15:39

Don't know why my post was deleted, must've hit hit a nerve!

But the "lost" money is likely lining the pockets of a sex worker. Whether that's for a lap dance or more, a man who is willing to use women for his sexual gratification is not one you should marry.

lazylinguist · 08/08/2021 15:42

He's a real gem-strip clubs, cocaine, stealing money from his fiancée and baby's mouth, stealing money his friend gave him to buy beer? Yeah,we are just all judgmental mothers, huh

He's an imperfect unique person, just like everyone else.

Ooh yes, that behaviour is sooo unique. Hmm But no, he's not like everyone else. Not everyone would spend the money for their wedding on a night of strippers and cocaine, fortunately.

AGirlCalledJohnny · 08/08/2021 15:43

@Tistheseason17

You can love someone and still then realise they are not the one you want to spend your life with because they are a selfish prick. Do you want the rest of your life looking like this? This is supposed to be the best part - and it's really not for you! Get out, run.
So wise
Anonymous48 · 08/08/2021 18:12

I'm glad you are considering seeing a therapist. I think that would be a very good idea, because I think your bar as to what constitutes a good man is very low. Good husbands and fathers don't go to strip clubs, do drugs, or get so drunk that they don't know what they are doing. You said he grew up as soon as you found out you were pregnant. It seems to me that he should have grown up before he had a chance at getting you pregnant.
I wish you and your son the best of luck.

ripplestitchblank · 08/08/2021 19:36

All I'll say is, if my DP/DH was the most amazing man on earth in every possible way but he went to a strip club and did cocaine I'd leave him without even blinking.

It's truly fowl and you and your child deserve better.

pinkflamingo21 · 08/08/2021 19:43

It's easy for you all to say leave him, but it would be different if you was in that position

youvegottenminuteslynn · 08/08/2021 20:03

@pinkflamingo21

It's easy for you all to say leave him, but it would be different if you was in that position
It would be hard to leave someone we loved, but it wouldn't mean it wasn't the right decision. And I wouldn't fall in love someone who behaved that way - going to strip clubs, which my partner knows, so if he did that knowing my feelings about the topic then I would have been mis-sold who he was as a person. And I would absolutely be done because the relationship would be broken.
pinkflamingo21 · 08/08/2021 20:08

I understand that @youvegottenminuteslynn just feel bad for her because I know it's not easy

Potatoy · 08/08/2021 20:15

@pinkflamingo21

It's easy for you all to say leave him, but it would be different if you was in that position
No it wouldn't. You don't know me. It would be easy for me.
Potatoy · 08/08/2021 20:16

Anyone who puts strippers before their toddler being able to eat is scum

youvegottenminuteslynn · 08/08/2021 20:21

@pinkflamingo21

I understand that *@youvegottenminuteslynn* just feel bad for her because I know it's not easy
Not easy but also should be easier than a lifetime with the kind of man who puts strippers and coke before his family being able to pay their bills / have enough money for food etc. Especially with a toddler. It's absolutely vile and for many, many women it would be enough of a reason to leave. It's not helpful to OP for people to minimise it and say well it's easy for other people to say but they wouldn't actually leave. We would. Loads of us would.
whatmattersisthatyoulove · 08/08/2021 20:25

I agree pinkflamingo21 advice to leave is given very flippantly without acknowledging the complexity of human relationships and that we are all flawed and make mistakes. My husband and I married young and in those first few months he came home from work events extremely drunk , but I knew that wasn't his entire character, he even did it twice after our son was born. I was appalled yet he really was a devoted dad and 26 years later we have been incredibly happy and good parents to 4 children, with no excessive drinking. Obviously abuse or violence is a reason to leave immediately but often other issues can be isolated/ infrequent events and should be considered in the context of all else the person brings. People absolutely can change, so often on here you get told , that one incident is the rest of your life.

Anonymous48 · 08/08/2021 20:33

@pinkflamingo21

It's easy for you all to say leave him, but it would be different if you was in that position
The thing is, I wouldn't be in that position. She said that her fiancé changed and grew up after she got pregnant. I wouldn't be in a relationship and get pregnant with a man like that in the first place.
Plumtree391 · 08/08/2021 20:43

It's easy to be wise after the event, especially if you have never been in that position. The op does not deserve a hard time over this, she presumably came on here for support.

It certainly isn't easy to just pack up and leave or to make a partner leave. It takes time and planning, reorganising finances, etc. During that time a person needs a little bit of friendship and encouragement, not criticism.

ChargingBuck · 08/08/2021 20:58

The thing is, I wouldn't be in that position. She said that her fiancé changed and grew up after she got pregnant. I wouldn't be in a relationship and get pregnant with a man like that in the first place.

Then you are naive & complacent, as well as self-righteous.
The majority of male on female domestic abuse starts happening after the woman becomes pregnant.

You've been lucky, not especially clever.

Thadhiya · 08/08/2021 21:00

He's a scumbag. It'll never get better than this, him spending all your money and leaving you and your child struggling while he goes to strip clubs.

Bleh. Cut your losses.