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Original poster

To ask Friend A why she excluded me from Friend Best hen party

519 replies

Rooree2609 · 07/08/2021 09:41

So basically I have two friends we will call them friend A and Friend B

I became friends with friend B through friend A and we've all been friends now for 15 years ( became friends as teenagers)

Over the years on a few occasions Friend A has done a few not so nice things to friend B and I and at one point Friend B considered ending the friendship with Friend A however I said we should meet up and try and salvage it
At this point friend B and I where closer
We did manage to salvage the friendship

However not long after I got married to DH and had my first DS
After this Friend A and Friend B who both live in the city became closer and I noticed myself left out often which was OK at first as I was the only married one with a child etc

However I've always made a effort to see them both and pre covid we had started to see each other more

A week before lockdown one Friend B announced she was engaged .. and of course had covid not happened I assumed I'd see her have wedding chat etc

Covid did happen and I fell pregnant with DS2 and I didn't see her meanwhile friend A told me she had offered to help with wedding planning etc
So it came as no surprise that Friend A was bridesmaid etc
I still of course thought I'd be invited to the wedding if covid allowed it
And both friend A and friend B visited baby once covid rules allowed and we spoke about the wedding

I then got a invite to the hen through a group chat organised by friend A which I said I would make without fail and couldn't wait
I even suggested places to host it etc

The wedding invite came too BTW just to make it clear I am going to wedding

A couple of weeks later Friend A told me the original hen idea was cancelled and removed me from the group she told me she'd let me know if something else was arranged

I then met friend A last weekend and when I tried to talk about wedding she changed subject
I wanted to ask what was happening with the hen but I hate awkwardness so I didn't it

Friend B then messaged me days ago and she spoke about how she couldn't wait to see me at hen

Stupid me assuming friend A would let me know about hen didn't even think I wouldn't be there so I said I wouldn't miss it

I honestly assumed it hadn't be re arranged yet and I'd be there

Then last night up pops friend As story and there is friend Bs hen in full swing in a venue I recommend with about ten girls there including friend As sisters who aren't even close to Friend B

I actually felt my heart sink and felt really hurt I couldn't believe it

Now friend A over the years has sometimes excluded me and I've justified it that it's because I'm a mum maybe she thought I wouldn't want to it come etc
But each time she's did this it's hurt and DH has said to call her out
But I hate confrontation so I've left it and kept my feelings to myself

But now I feel so hurt that I'm missing a valued friends hen party who clearly thought I'd be there
And I wonder if I should ask Friend A why she removed me from the hen plans and excluded me ?
My only thought is maybe it bothered her that she introduced to me to friend B and for several years friend B and I ended up closer ?

OP posts:
WiddlinDiddlin · 07/08/2021 11:52

Definitely message today, that way its a genuine response to having seen the hen pics.. and not a 'ive stewed over this all weekend' type response.

Be nice, but be clear you were NOT invited, you were told it was cancelled and were awaiting details which never came.

Wish Friend B well and then see what happens - I bet A has told her a load of bullshit about how you declined/too busy/can't leave kids/had a better offer but you have the screenshot as proof you were effectively uninvited.

Loudestcat14 · 07/08/2021 11:54

For crying out loud, don't wait until B wakes up, message her now! If A's told her you couldn't make it, she must be wondering why you haven't sent her a card/message/present beforehand to wish her well.

Just text "I am so sorry I'm not celebrating with you. A told me the original plan was cancelled on xxx and I never received the details of the revised hen – I absolutely would've been there had I been invited. Have an amazing weekend and let's do drinks/dinner soon to celebrate."

Itsmeagainandagain · 07/08/2021 11:55

No dont text or whatsapp, speak like an adult face to face. Thats pretty hurtful and petty, i suggest you get those 2 to meet up and ask what the deal was with the hen party, youll then fjnd out where you stand.

Blamelesscars · 07/08/2021 11:57

Don’t wait! Message her now. Friend A is counting on you delaying and not wanting to ruin the weekend. She will have already manipulated the situation to spin her side and story. You’ll already look like the bad guy.

Don’t lose your friend over this

Taytocrisps · 07/08/2021 11:59

I'd be tempted to pick up the phone and ring Friend A if only to picture the 'Oh shit' look on her face when she sees your name show up on her phone. But more sensible to send the text to Friend B. There are lots of good suggestions on this thread. Friend A sounds very devious. Prepare for lots of faux innocence and concern that you 'missed out' on the invitation. She'll probably claim she accidentally left you off the Whatsapp group/group text or whatever and was wondering why you never got back to her. She probably told Friend B you never replied and that you're probably too busy with the DC.

Crowtooyo · 07/08/2021 12:01

I'm so sorry to hear of this happening op. I'd be so so annoyed. I'd be texting the bride, today.
If I was that bride, I'd be cutting off the bridesmaid as a friend altogether.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 07/08/2021 12:05

You’re going to have to otherwise it’ll fester and eat away at you. If it doesn’t come out one it’ll come out another way through a big blazing row after a few double vodkas, it’s bound to. I think that’d be the end of the so called friendship for me though. I despise exclusion. You being a mum is no excuse regardless of whether you can go can’t go want to go don’t want to go, you should still be asked.

boomoperator · 07/08/2021 12:06

@Alternista

Could you send something like:

I’ve just seen you’re on your hen this weekend. Something’s gone wrong somewhere- I wasn’t invited and Ive only just seen it’s happening. I’m not going to message the group because I don’t want to cause any drama that would cast a shadow over your weekend but I just wanted to let you know I love you and would have been there like a shot if I’d known. When you’re back let’s make a plan to do something special together and celebrate you. Have an absolutely brilliant time, love you loads, OP xxx

This.

You need to message your friend and tell her what’s happened.

LtDansleg · 07/08/2021 12:06

@Alternista

Could you send something like:

I’ve just seen you’re on your hen this weekend. Something’s gone wrong somewhere- I wasn’t invited and Ive only just seen it’s happening. I’m not going to message the group because I don’t want to cause any drama that would cast a shadow over your weekend but I just wanted to let you know I love you and would have been there like a shot if I’d known. When you’re back let’s make a plan to do something special together and celebrate you. Have an absolutely brilliant time, love you loads, OP xxx

I’d send this. Right now she could be feeling upset and a bit bewildered why you’re not there
TatianaBis · 07/08/2021 12:07

Friend B sounds fine. A is clearly a twat and it’s better to know these things sooner rather than later.

Confront her/don’t confront her - won’t make much difference either way.

Potpourri23 · 07/08/2021 12:09

Lots of good suggestions tor texts, 99% of posters agree the sooner the better! What are you waiting for? If you think the friendship with B is already over you've got nothing to lose!

(The friendship with A is obviously over, it sounds like she's always been more of a frenemy)

3luckystars · 07/08/2021 12:09

Ring the bride today and tell her exactly what happened. You owe it to her, she might be equally hurt that you were not there. The bridesmaid might also hurt other members of the brides family with her ‘poor organisation skills’.

Ring the bride, tell her you saw the photos and are very upset that you were not invited. This is not confrontational, this is the kindest thing you can do for the bride.

That other person is not your friend anymore. Good luck.

Biker47 · 07/08/2021 12:11

I think waiting is a bad idea, you need to message or ring friend B as soon as possible. If friend A is really trying to undermine your friendship with B, she's probably already told lies about why you're not there and friend B probably didn't think it necessary to contact you if they've been told why you're not there. Might blow up at the party if B is pissed off about it and remembers the previous form A has had for lying about inviting people to things when they didn't, but that's an unfortunate side effect all down to friends A's fault, neither yours or friend B's, and might serve friend B right to get them to justifiably remove A from their life.

LakieLady · 07/08/2021 12:11

Definitely message now. I don't see what you have to lose. A sounds proper nasty, and deserves to be outed for it.

B sounds decent and deserves to know how A has been manipulating things.

SummerWhisper · 07/08/2021 12:13

The problem with your procrastination is that you are allowing friend A to dominate the hen weekend and create a false sense of friendship and therefore a fake hen weekend with people who aren't as close to B. Friend B might be feeling a bit let down right now or as though the weekend is not about her, which it isn't. This whole hen weekend has been used as a way to exclude you and break up your friendship. It is not about a group of friends who want to celebrate B's upcoming marriage with the people who love them most.
Send the message to B and it will give her the chance to take control of her hen weekend. It will be awful for her to look back on and know what a sham it was.

saveyourbreath · 07/08/2021 12:15

Christ

We’re 7 pages into this.

Set up a group on WhatsApp with friend a and friend b and just let rip.

Friend A is an arsehole and deserves to be publicly outed for that behaviour.

mewkins · 07/08/2021 12:16

@Cherrysoup

Have you spoken to either of them about not being invited? I would make a Whatsapp just for the 3 of you and say you spoke to Friend B who was expecting you at the hen but Friend A didn’t tell you the new time/venue and ask why.
I would do this too. See her try to wriggle out of it. Make it clear that you were removed from the first group, that the venue had been your suggestion and tell her that you feel deliberately excluded. I wouldn't care about upsetting her. She is no friend to you and your real friend will hopefully see her for what she really is.
DameFanny · 07/08/2021 12:16

Honestly OP, you can't blame B for having a short memory about how awful A can be when you've clearly done the same. Time to say enough - not necessarily to A, because you know you won't get honesty or integrity from her now.

Write a message to B, saying how sorry you are to have missed the hen, how much you were looking forward to it, how A has deliberately lied again. Say you didn't want to message while they were away and spoil the weekend, but you hope you can do something as you said before the wedding.

You could also ask her to keep you in touch with the wedding arrangements directly, now A has reverted to her old ways.

Even throw in that you'd bottle trained the baby in order to be able to join in more.

But don't expect anything from A. Fool me once...

GingerAndTheBiscuits · 07/08/2021 12:18

If you don’t address it soon, Friend B will potentially find it much harder to address the issue with Friend A, because by Monday Friend A has just thrown her a lovely hen weekend.

beachcitygirl · 07/08/2021 12:18

I feel so sorry for you but I do have to say your passivity is really annoying me. Do you want to save your friendship with B or Not? A is not your friend. Get in touch with B pronto. Message her now & say urgent phone me when you get this & tell her everything. Drop that bitch A right in it.

Tistheseason17 · 07/08/2021 12:21

As PPs advise - if you want friendship with B - ACT NOW.

You do realise that natural progression from wedding is family and this will really eat into A if B has a baby and gets close to you as another mum.

Italiangreyhound · 07/08/2021 12:22

Thus is awful. So sorry. Speak to the bride to be. Flowers

Firstbaby2022 · 07/08/2021 12:26

I would speak to friend B and explain what happened and how upset you are that you missed her night.

I would then also confront friend A, what she has done is awful to not only you but to friend B. What gives her the right to decide who goes to someone else’s hen?! Then I would tell her to go f herself. I’m annoyed for you

slashlover · 07/08/2021 12:31

I mean Friend B clearly has a short memory of how awful Friend A was to her once upon time and friend A still ended up bridesmaid when I'm not

The incident you spoke about was years ago so of course she's not still stewing about it. Until this incident it also seemed as if you had forgiven A too,

You've had some good advice on a message to send and if you're just going to continue to post "what ifs" then I don't see the point of this thread.

Grimacingfrog · 07/08/2021 12:35

As PP said Friend A only gets away with this because people don't call her out on it. Her lies are ruining friendships. If you can't contact her for yourself do it for friend B. I'd be far more upset not knowing why you weren't there than about what friend A did if it was my hen weekend.

@thecatsthecats is practically the only person that wants you to wait and it's not because we want an answer, it's because inaction backfires.

There are only two possibilities: friend A lied to you unbeknownst to friend B, in which case she's an arsehole and needs to be called out on it.
Or, friend B knew you were uninvited in which case you know where you stand.

If it's possibility 1, both you and friend B are being unnecessarily upset.

If it's possibility 2, you can make a decision about what you want to do next, knowing all the facts.