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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask Friend A why she excluded me from Friend Best hen party

519 replies

Rooree2609 · 07/08/2021 09:41

So basically I have two friends we will call them friend A and Friend B

I became friends with friend B through friend A and we've all been friends now for 15 years ( became friends as teenagers)

Over the years on a few occasions Friend A has done a few not so nice things to friend B and I and at one point Friend B considered ending the friendship with Friend A however I said we should meet up and try and salvage it
At this point friend B and I where closer
We did manage to salvage the friendship

However not long after I got married to DH and had my first DS
After this Friend A and Friend B who both live in the city became closer and I noticed myself left out often which was OK at first as I was the only married one with a child etc

However I've always made a effort to see them both and pre covid we had started to see each other more

A week before lockdown one Friend B announced she was engaged .. and of course had covid not happened I assumed I'd see her have wedding chat etc

Covid did happen and I fell pregnant with DS2 and I didn't see her meanwhile friend A told me she had offered to help with wedding planning etc
So it came as no surprise that Friend A was bridesmaid etc
I still of course thought I'd be invited to the wedding if covid allowed it
And both friend A and friend B visited baby once covid rules allowed and we spoke about the wedding

I then got a invite to the hen through a group chat organised by friend A which I said I would make without fail and couldn't wait
I even suggested places to host it etc

The wedding invite came too BTW just to make it clear I am going to wedding

A couple of weeks later Friend A told me the original hen idea was cancelled and removed me from the group she told me she'd let me know if something else was arranged

I then met friend A last weekend and when I tried to talk about wedding she changed subject
I wanted to ask what was happening with the hen but I hate awkwardness so I didn't it

Friend B then messaged me days ago and she spoke about how she couldn't wait to see me at hen

Stupid me assuming friend A would let me know about hen didn't even think I wouldn't be there so I said I wouldn't miss it

I honestly assumed it hadn't be re arranged yet and I'd be there

Then last night up pops friend As story and there is friend Bs hen in full swing in a venue I recommend with about ten girls there including friend As sisters who aren't even close to Friend B

I actually felt my heart sink and felt really hurt I couldn't believe it

Now friend A over the years has sometimes excluded me and I've justified it that it's because I'm a mum maybe she thought I wouldn't want to it come etc
But each time she's did this it's hurt and DH has said to call her out
But I hate confrontation so I've left it and kept my feelings to myself

But now I feel so hurt that I'm missing a valued friends hen party who clearly thought I'd be there
And I wonder if I should ask Friend A why she removed me from the hen plans and excluded me ?
My only thought is maybe it bothered her that she introduced to me to friend B and for several years friend B and I ended up closer ?

OP posts:

LittleMissPlant · 08/08/2021 17:29

I’d message friend B and apologise for not being there and say that friend A hadn’t told you.
If then message friend a and tell them what a ‘C U Next Tuesday’ they are.

Vallmo47 · 08/08/2021 17:29

I’m sorry Op, what a nasty thing of “friend” A to do. I understand friend B doesn’t want to add more stress before her big day but if she doesn’t ever have a very strong reaction, for me, that would be that friendship gone also. I would have nothing else to do with friend A, clearly your friendship is one sided.

RachandO · 08/08/2021 17:34

@Cherrysoup

Have you spoken to either of them about not being invited? I would make a Whatsapp just for the 3 of you and say you spoke to Friend B who was expecting you at the hen but Friend A didn’t tell you the new time/venue and ask why.

Agree with this! A WhatsApp group with the three of you is a good idea! It's all out in the open then and friend B will see that friend A didn't invite you! It is a horrible thing to do. A is for Arsehole...what a cow!

FayeFayeFayeFayeFaye · 08/08/2021 17:51

We’re getting into the RTFT thread part now.

5475878237NC · 08/08/2021 18:00

Given it was as Saturday morning and only 2 hours away I think I'd have done my absolute best to still go for the weekend or at least some of it and just driven home again. Friendships do seem dead.

Barmychick · 08/08/2021 18:10

Treacherous cow.! A has deliberately edged you out. Focus on your friendship with B. Hate people like this.😠

Blackcat333 · 08/08/2021 18:11

I'd say good bye to all this bullshit, life is too short. Do you really need this drama? Be less needy and more aloof. Let them come to you. If they don't, you have your answer. Bonus is you will save money on the wedding presents 😂

Wearethechampionsmyfriend · 08/08/2021 18:13

Sorry, but get a backbone and confront her.

grapewine · 08/08/2021 18:16

@Blackcat333

Yep, definitely this after your updates.

Jack80 · 08/08/2021 18:16

Speak to the bride to be say you noticed her hen pics online and sorry you weren't there but wasn't invited. Ask when the wedding is don't speak to the other friend.

Blackcat333 · 08/08/2021 18:18

At my wedding I organised a coach to pick up my guests. My so called best friend purposely told the driver to set off early so a friend of mine would not be there because she was jealous. The other guests told me that she actually saw this friend and her husband running behind the coach, they shout ted for him to stop but she insisted that she was in charge.

Mumontour85 · 08/08/2021 18:20

I would most definitely message friend A and telling her about herself! I'd then 100%
sack her off - she is obviously not a real friend and doesn't give a damn about you!
Friend B deserves to know the truth about why you're not at her hen do etc., but I think you're doing the right thing not ruining her weekend. If it were me I'd be furious, it's not for A to determine someone else's friend list for an event! Ask her for a drink or lunch or something and make clear that you are not the problem.
Hope it all works out and the wedding is amazing!

chillidoritto · 08/08/2021 18:24

@Blackcat333

This is just awful!!! What a terrible thing to do!!!!

OP, as others have said, don't write Friend B off but I would definitely be having it out with friend A.

Have you heard any more today?

FatCatThinCat · 08/08/2021 18:27

Hopefully once she's hope Friend B will realise that 'Friend' A is up to her old tricks again and dump her ... again. Only this time don't you be stepping in to fix it!

FatCatThinCat · 08/08/2021 18:28

once she's home

fizzandchips · 08/08/2021 18:36

Friend B will be feeling mortified at once again being manipulated by A. She has asked her to br her bridesmaid so might want to avoid too much drama with A, but if she’s as nice as you say she is she’ll know exactly what’s going on. It might be that the wedding will go ahead with A as bridesmaid, but afterwards you and B will be in a position to become closer again knowing A has shown her true colours (again!) once and for all. If you like friend B enough give her the space to ‘come back to you’ after the wedding. In the meantime she’ll know she’s messed up asking A to be bridesmaid, but will want to avoid the embarrassment and drama of asking her not to be bridesmaid, so don’t expect her to be honest about her feelings just yet as the bride is trying to save face too.

notanothertakeaway · 08/08/2021 18:46

@Ideasplease322

Op I think you have done everything you can.

It sounds like you weren’t invited and the bride knew. I am sorry, this must really hurt.

Friendships change, and it sounds like, for whatever reason, both ladies are phasing you out.

I am experiencing the same at the moment and realise I have made a fool of myself by assuming a friends birthday wasn’t being marked, so I arranged a nice drinks party. But there was a birthday bash, I just wasn’t invited. Very awkward and trying To back out of it all while maintaining my dignity.

I am too old for this crap.

@Ideasplease322

Oh I feel for you. I had something similar recently and it was upsetting. I assumed a friend's birthday wasn't being marked, turned up with a card, and found several mutual friends there. Awkward for everybody. I would never have gone over if I'd had any idea there was a birthday bash. It honestly didn't occur to me that she might have a party and not invite me

I still regard her as a friend, she's entitled to socialise with whoever she likes, but I now realise we're not as close as I thought we were

ellyeth · 08/08/2021 19:00

I think you should immediately contact your friend and tell her that you had fully intended to go to her hen party but you had not been informed about it, despite Friend A telling you that she would let you know when the hen party had been re-arranged for. Your friend needs to know or she may think you just didn't bother to turn up.

Friend A sounds like not much of a friend.

Poppingmad123 · 08/08/2021 19:16

I would do what @Summertime21 says. Call (not text) the bride to be and explain why you weren’t there and that you don’t know why you were excluded but don’t want to make a drama of it and would just like to do something nice with her. Although wouldn't bride to be have asked other friend where you were? So that friend may have made some excuse or she may even say she did invite you/thought she had/you lost invite etc.
Either way I think you’ll soon find out who your friends are and if it’s worth going to this wedding at all. Bride to be wouldn’t want to lose her bridesmaid either. In meantime, work on finding new and better friends.

Wills · 08/08/2021 19:20

Have read all the way through and believe Friend A is a mega b.i.t.c.h! BUT, given her controlling nature can you be super sure that she's not 'whispering' lies into Friend B's ear. Through no fault of your own, Covid/HG/raising kids (I have 4 so I get it) you may have been distracted enough to enable her to get it and build up a significant set of lies. I'd keep at it. She's getting married, and soon she will probably (sweeping belief here) start trying for a family. I'd keep trying with Friend B but exclude Friend A. Either way, like marriages friendships take a lot of time and effort. Good luck.

Pipsquiggle · 08/08/2021 19:27

Give B the benefit of the doubt this weekend, she's on her hen and probably doesn't want to have caused a scene.

Call B - explain you didn't know it was on. It will be hard for B as A is her bridesmaid so don't expect her to defriend her straight away but it will be another straw that will eventually break the camel's back

You do need to call A out - whether that's phone call, face to face or a whatsapp - that's up to you. She sounds like an utter cow - not inviting you and for using your idea and passing it off as her own. This is completely deliberate - bitch

ViciousJackdaw · 08/08/2021 19:29

@FayeFayeFayeFayeFaye

We’re getting into the RTFT thread part now.

Cancel the cheque

Figgygal · 08/08/2021 19:45

Have you heard anymore from hen since yesterday op?

grapewine · 08/08/2021 20:04

@Blackcat333

I hope you let her have it? What shitty behaviour.

MrsBadcrumble123 · 08/08/2021 20:42

Friend A sounds like a massive jealous Btch! Bin the toxic twit, maybe face up to the fact friend A is a bit flaky too - she doesn’t sound like she gives a st that you were intentionally excluded

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