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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask Friend A why she excluded me from Friend Best hen party

519 replies

Rooree2609 · 07/08/2021 09:41

So basically I have two friends we will call them friend A and Friend B

I became friends with friend B through friend A and we've all been friends now for 15 years ( became friends as teenagers)

Over the years on a few occasions Friend A has done a few not so nice things to friend B and I and at one point Friend B considered ending the friendship with Friend A however I said we should meet up and try and salvage it
At this point friend B and I where closer
We did manage to salvage the friendship

However not long after I got married to DH and had my first DS
After this Friend A and Friend B who both live in the city became closer and I noticed myself left out often which was OK at first as I was the only married one with a child etc

However I've always made a effort to see them both and pre covid we had started to see each other more

A week before lockdown one Friend B announced she was engaged .. and of course had covid not happened I assumed I'd see her have wedding chat etc

Covid did happen and I fell pregnant with DS2 and I didn't see her meanwhile friend A told me she had offered to help with wedding planning etc
So it came as no surprise that Friend A was bridesmaid etc
I still of course thought I'd be invited to the wedding if covid allowed it
And both friend A and friend B visited baby once covid rules allowed and we spoke about the wedding

I then got a invite to the hen through a group chat organised by friend A which I said I would make without fail and couldn't wait
I even suggested places to host it etc

The wedding invite came too BTW just to make it clear I am going to wedding

A couple of weeks later Friend A told me the original hen idea was cancelled and removed me from the group she told me she'd let me know if something else was arranged

I then met friend A last weekend and when I tried to talk about wedding she changed subject
I wanted to ask what was happening with the hen but I hate awkwardness so I didn't it

Friend B then messaged me days ago and she spoke about how she couldn't wait to see me at hen

Stupid me assuming friend A would let me know about hen didn't even think I wouldn't be there so I said I wouldn't miss it

I honestly assumed it hadn't be re arranged yet and I'd be there

Then last night up pops friend As story and there is friend Bs hen in full swing in a venue I recommend with about ten girls there including friend As sisters who aren't even close to Friend B

I actually felt my heart sink and felt really hurt I couldn't believe it

Now friend A over the years has sometimes excluded me and I've justified it that it's because I'm a mum maybe she thought I wouldn't want to it come etc
But each time she's did this it's hurt and DH has said to call her out
But I hate confrontation so I've left it and kept my feelings to myself

But now I feel so hurt that I'm missing a valued friends hen party who clearly thought I'd be there
And I wonder if I should ask Friend A why she removed me from the hen plans and excluded me ?
My only thought is maybe it bothered her that she introduced to me to friend B and for several years friend B and I ended up closer ?

OP posts:
Tulips15 · 07/08/2021 21:50

@Rooree2609

I stupidly said I wouldn't miss the hen , I knew friend A had said it was surprise for friend B so I didn't want to say too much

And I honestly assumed friend A would invite me

The wedding is still a while away so I thought it hadn't been organised yet and I would be there

Never thought for a second friend A would exclude me from it

Make a group chat between the 3 of you and post what you've said above.

Friend A is a twat

Allusernamesalreadyused · 07/08/2021 21:52

The funny thing is that in probably not too long a time away Friend B will be the Mom of Little babies and doing the kids birthday stuff etc and possibly Friend A if she ever finds anyone to put up with her as she seems nasty. Gosh why are women so horrible to each other sometimes. Men don't have that as muchHmm

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 07/08/2021 21:55

Sorry OP bit if friend B didn't know you hadn't been invited, surely when she realised you weren't coming she would have text to say it was a shame you couldn't make it or something. She knew, and she's clearly a bitch too. Fuck them both. No one needs people like that in their life. Not in the playground now.

Poptart4 · 07/08/2021 21:58

[quote Rooree2609]@phishy I have a feeling if I cease to make effort it will dwindle[/quote]
So basically if you stop doing all of the running the friendships will die out... friendships are 2 way streets op. If both people aren't putting in effort then its not a friendship. I know its hard to let go after so many years but your in different stages of life. Alot of women lose friends after they have children. I definitely did.

Stop chasing them. Its down right cruel how they've treated you. They knew you would see the pictures on social media but they didn't care. Disgusting way to treat a friend after 15 yrs.

Rhinothunder · 07/08/2021 22:00

@Summertime21

I would call b, explain a had not let you know about it and arrange to do something with just her to celebrate her wedding. Then just be polite to a if you see her and have to but don't engage further
This. Just cut A out of the conversation. Maybe book a nice spa day or something just you and B. Will be much more fun and special anyway.
DahliaBlue · 07/08/2021 22:01

Friend B says she did not know you hadn't been invited take that at face value. Then she said it must have been a mistake. That is because Friend B was either trying to comfort you or even herself by not liking to think of a situation where Friend A deliberately left you out. Just leave it and see how it goes for a bit. You probably will have to ask Friend A what happened though because it's something that can't be ignored. Danger is you might lose Friend B in the process if things escalate to a row. Sorry this has happened.

DamnUserName21 · 07/08/2021 22:34

It seems like a bit of a headfuck speculating who left you out (friend A but B did or did not know) and why.
Put some distance between you and them. Build on your other friendships where you don't have to concern yourself with this kind of crap.

LozzaChops101 · 07/08/2021 22:36

I think you probably have better friendships that you should put the effort in that you've been putting into these two. Flowers

sonjadog · 07/08/2021 22:45

Wait and see what B says when she is back this week. In the middle of her hen weekend she isn’t going to want to get involved in a fight. I wouldn’t read too much into her response today.

olidora63 · 07/08/2021 22:52

I would have thought that friend B would have messaged you to ask why you wasn’t there ! Something doesn’t add up. IMHO .

Skysblue · 07/08/2021 23:20

Definitely tell Friend B!! She deserves to know and needs to in case ‘Friend’ A is up to any other mischief.

M

Bridie20 · 07/08/2021 23:28

Are they away all weekend? I don’t think you should jump to conclusions that they both left you out… if it was my hen I wouldn’t want to start reacting strongly whilst I was still away. She might find it a bit inappropriate that you’ve tackled it whilst she’s still on her hen tbh. Give her a few days then you can ask how the hen went and gauge her reaction from there, explain how gutted you were to miss it etc.
Her hen party is a once in a lifetime event, she won’t want to be having drama whilst away.

Twoforthree · 07/08/2021 23:35

I think you should leave the ball in B’s court now.

Text
“Let me know if you’d like to get together before the wedding”

Then wait and see

notanothertakeaway · 08/08/2021 07:58

Don't send any more messages today, as they're at the hen weekend and it's not fair to Friend B to create drama

See how this land lies after she gets back

Twizique · 08/08/2021 08:14

It will be interesting to see if Friend A remains a bridesmaid.

HotAndGrumpy · 08/08/2021 08:41

I would go on SM to the photos and make it known that I’d seen them. I’d like them and comment things like “looks like great fun”, “glad you are enjoying yourselves” and “wish I could have joined you” Sad

Winemewhynot · 08/08/2021 10:09

@HotAndGrumpy

I would go on SM to the photos and make it known that I’d seen them. I’d like them and comment things like “looks like great fun”, “glad you are enjoying yourselves” and “wish I could have joined you” Sad
Yep this is the kinda passive aggressive approach I would take too. Making it well know you would loved to be there but didn’t get the memo.

Agree with PP about a text to the bride along the lines of ‘gutted I wasn’t invited let me know if you wana meet up before the big day’ leave the ball in her court and you’ll find out if it was orchestrated by friend B or you’ll find out if friend A was involved too!

Member984815 · 08/08/2021 10:28

I had issues like this a few years ago , friend moved near me but we were at different stages in our life it became apparent that we were no longer friends when our other friends arrived to her house one day and they all went out for her birthday , kinda hurtful . She then moved out but I didn't find out until I got a text from her with her new address for Christmas card list . I don't consider her or the rest of the group friends now . I moved too and I doubt I'll ever get a visit , I gave up the friendship the day of her birthday outing

lightlysparkling · 08/08/2021 10:33

Well if friend A is getting married she may decide to have a baby and suddenly reappear when she realises she'd like a mum friend. Then you'll have to decide if you want to bother.

Towerofjoyless · 08/08/2021 12:03

@lightlysparkling

Well if friend A is getting married she may decide to have a baby and suddenly reappear when she realises she'd like a mum friend. Then you'll have to decide if you want to bother.
This for sure. Our group had a friend who wasn't very nice to us at various times over the years, she then did something unforgivable and we stopped talking to her for about 5 years. When someone in the group had a baby (her second one), ex-friend popped up out the blue. She had just had her first baby and wanted to become 'mum' friends. Not a peep from her when friend had her first baby though. She has since proven to us that she hasn't really changed and we are mostly low contact with her now. Time will tell how the land lies with 'friends' A and B.
Staffy1 · 08/08/2021 13:06

@HotAndGrumpy

I would go on SM to the photos and make it known that I’d seen them. I’d like them and comment things like “looks like great fun”, “glad you are enjoying yourselves” and “wish I could have joined you” Sad
I would put “wish I’d known” or “wish I’d been invited” to make it clear that it wasn’t just that I couldn’t be bothered to go or had something better to do.
CallmeHendricks · 08/08/2021 13:57

@HotAndGrumpy

I would go on SM to the photos and make it known that I’d seen them. I’d like them and comment things like “looks like great fun”, “glad you are enjoying yourselves” and “wish I could have joined you” Sad
If you write "wish I could have joined you," it gives support to Friend A's probable lie that you were invited but couldn't make it.
LimitIsUp · 08/08/2021 16:19

@Secretroses

I should think Friend B is probably feeling a bit awkward. It could well be that she genuinely didn't know Friend A didn't invite you but she feels guilty about the prospect of bad mouthing Friend A via text as she has seen the effort Friend A had gone to to organise the hen do she is still on. She probably doesn't want to have it out with Friend B right now and it will all come out later. I wouldn't write off Friend B necessarily at this stage but I would be wary...
Absolutely could be this

I wouldn't write off friend B just yet

SukiPook · 08/08/2021 17:11

Definitely don't write off friend B (especially as you have a positive history with her and think highly of her). You both have been manipulated by Friend A, who is no friend to you. Re Friend A, I'd probably just cut contact without bothering to confront her as she's proved now on more than one occasion that she's a liar, gaslighter, and has tried to cut you out.
Re Friend B, I would wait until Monday now and then WhatsApp or email her. I would be very honest, there is no point sugar coating it, she needs to know what A has done, particularly as you know that A will have been feeding her lies about how you couldn't make it. Don't wait until she contacts you first, just get in there and send it when the hen is over.
You could say that you hope she had a lovely time and that you're gutted you weren't there. Absolutely send screenshots of you being deleted from the group. Tell her that you are done with friend A, that she deleted you from the group, told you it was being rearranged and then didn't tell you about it... tell her about going out to lunch with her recently and u asking about the wedding and her changing the subject. I would absolutely remind her of the lies and same behaviour years ago... say that you know you gave A the benefit of the doubt back then, but you now realise you shouldn't have. Tell her you were so shocked and upset to see the photos of everyone at the hen, and in the place that you had suggested... Tell her what you told us about how you'd even been training your baby for ages to take a bottle so that u would definitely be able to go because it meant a lot to you to celebrate her hen with her.
Don't worry about friend B maybe seeing you as the uncool mum character. Yes, maybe there has been a bit of that, but it didn't sound to be that serious - but of course now that she's getting married, she may well end up having babies herself and you will have more in common again. Yes friend A may have been feeding her lies going way back, and has been selling herself as a better friend. She sounds like a narcissist. You won't be doing friend B any favours if you just leave it at a mild "Oh I didn't get invited" and don't express how manipulative A has been to you. If friend B is at all wise, when she sees all this info, she will be raging with A for manipulating and controlling B's hen night, and for doing that to you. It will do B a favour to know this.
Even if A has really got B convinced that she's great, and B doesn't instantly decide A is awful and carries on being friends with her ...she will still have this info in the back of her mind, and will be able to spot future bad behaviour more easily, than if you say nothing and leave them to it.
And why should you just leave them to it... that's what A wants.
Oh I really hope that B sees through A when you give her the evidence! Hopefully she will, as she didn't like that behaviour in A all those years ago. Best of luck with this situation, I do feel for you, it's been totally out of order and unfair. Do volunteer to do something else with B to make up for not being at the hen, for instance a night out together or a meal or spa day... tell her you can do it whenever is convenient for her, whether before the wedding or sometime afterwards if there's not enough time now... A has probably made it seem like you have no time for B now as you're wrapped up with family, which is not true, so that offer should demonstrate that...
I hope that despite this,you have a great time at the wedding. Best case scenario is that B would call out A's bad behaviour and ban her from the wedding, though it's more likely that A will talk it down to having been a "mistake" and that A will still be bridesmaid but I would hope that B would be more wary of her in future and that she would draw closer to you again. Have fun snubbing A by ignoring her at the wedding though! Keep us posted on here how it goes this week and also at the wedding. ... best of luck

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 08/08/2021 17:18

I agree with those saying Don't write off B yet. She's on her hen do, probably doesn't want to cause a public fight with the organiser.
Its hard to read message tone.
You don't know what A said about your absence and perhaps B was waiting for a chance to get to the bottom of it. It is hard for her to get her head around this when you are at the centre of a party in your honor and you have to be grateful to everyone for presents and paying to come away etc.

Don't post anything on social media, it will just look like sour grapes and A will only enjoy that.

I'd wait until after the weekend is well over and have a call with B and see what she says. Tell her point blank you believe that A deliberately excluded you which was hurtful, and even more so that you'd pursuaded B to give A a second chance in the past.
Like wise I wouldn't even bother hearing A's made up justification, she won't be at all apologetic and is very unlikely to be truthful and will probably make more digs to make sure you leave the group.

Its very hurtful that A has engineered all this, but you are well rid.