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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask Friend A why she excluded me from Friend Best hen party

519 replies

Rooree2609 · 07/08/2021 09:41

So basically I have two friends we will call them friend A and Friend B

I became friends with friend B through friend A and we've all been friends now for 15 years ( became friends as teenagers)

Over the years on a few occasions Friend A has done a few not so nice things to friend B and I and at one point Friend B considered ending the friendship with Friend A however I said we should meet up and try and salvage it
At this point friend B and I where closer
We did manage to salvage the friendship

However not long after I got married to DH and had my first DS
After this Friend A and Friend B who both live in the city became closer and I noticed myself left out often which was OK at first as I was the only married one with a child etc

However I've always made a effort to see them both and pre covid we had started to see each other more

A week before lockdown one Friend B announced she was engaged .. and of course had covid not happened I assumed I'd see her have wedding chat etc

Covid did happen and I fell pregnant with DS2 and I didn't see her meanwhile friend A told me she had offered to help with wedding planning etc
So it came as no surprise that Friend A was bridesmaid etc
I still of course thought I'd be invited to the wedding if covid allowed it
And both friend A and friend B visited baby once covid rules allowed and we spoke about the wedding

I then got a invite to the hen through a group chat organised by friend A which I said I would make without fail and couldn't wait
I even suggested places to host it etc

The wedding invite came too BTW just to make it clear I am going to wedding

A couple of weeks later Friend A told me the original hen idea was cancelled and removed me from the group she told me she'd let me know if something else was arranged

I then met friend A last weekend and when I tried to talk about wedding she changed subject
I wanted to ask what was happening with the hen but I hate awkwardness so I didn't it

Friend B then messaged me days ago and she spoke about how she couldn't wait to see me at hen

Stupid me assuming friend A would let me know about hen didn't even think I wouldn't be there so I said I wouldn't miss it

I honestly assumed it hadn't be re arranged yet and I'd be there

Then last night up pops friend As story and there is friend Bs hen in full swing in a venue I recommend with about ten girls there including friend As sisters who aren't even close to Friend B

I actually felt my heart sink and felt really hurt I couldn't believe it

Now friend A over the years has sometimes excluded me and I've justified it that it's because I'm a mum maybe she thought I wouldn't want to it come etc
But each time she's did this it's hurt and DH has said to call her out
But I hate confrontation so I've left it and kept my feelings to myself

But now I feel so hurt that I'm missing a valued friends hen party who clearly thought I'd be there
And I wonder if I should ask Friend A why she removed me from the hen plans and excluded me ?
My only thought is maybe it bothered her that she introduced to me to friend B and for several years friend B and I ended up closer ?

OP posts:
GingerAndTheBiscuits · 07/08/2021 18:44

I’d probably give Friend B a day or so’s grace OP if she is still in the middle of the hen weekend. If there’s nothing much else from her during the week you’ll know better where you stand.

TimeForTeaAndG · 07/08/2021 18:46

@RikkiTikkiTavvi

I would try not to read anything into Friend B’s message or her tone just yet OP. She’s in an awkward position given that she’s actually away with A on her hen do right now, and also probably doesn’t want a confrontation or anything else to spoil it. You say you are seeing Friend B soon. I would discuss it then and do your best not to dwell on things too much until then.
This. If she's had a heavy night and is hungover then likely she'll be responding as her brain clears rather than her not being bothered.

Speak to her once she is home.

Tomtomsokillis · 07/08/2021 19:04

Sorry this is such a terrible experience op... :( very sad and it seems either A left you out on purpose or both of them did, in which case B is also a terrible person for doing so after having mentioned it to you. Time solves everything op. Wait to see how B feels after she has a baby and hopefully A won't for a while then they might drift apart and B might question her actions then.

cansu · 07/08/2021 19:05

I think you leave the ball in their court. They will either realise they have behaved like mean teens and contact you for a catch up or they will not. I would not text or chase any further. FWIW you will meet other, nicer people. I have some lovely colleague friends and realised I hadn't been invited to something. As soon as one of the group realised, an invite was sent asap. It wasn't in any way deliberate. They are nice people, hence the quick invite. Chalk it up to experience.

Theunamedcat · 07/08/2021 19:06

I would maybe rethink your friendship back off a bit and not value it so much I dont think I would go to great effort to go to her wedding either only go if its convenient for you

Staffy1 · 07/08/2021 19:09

I don’t really understand being wary of friend B. What has she done wrong? Of course they will see each other more if they both live right next to each other and don’t have kids. Also, why would she have been saying she was looking forward to seeing you at the hen do if she knew you weren’t invited? Doesn’t make sense.

Lilymossflower · 07/08/2021 19:14

Call Friend b asap if you haven't already! X

whynotwhatknot · 07/08/2021 19:32

Friend A could have said anything though like another lie about why youre not there

she wont know unless you tell her friend a delibrately didnt invite you

Dreamstate · 07/08/2021 19:37

Bit split of friend b, she is on her hen weekend this is her 'time. If it was sme I wouldn't want to have a bad moment when I should be having fun. So maybe thstsbwhy you got the response you did.

Personally I'd organise something for her as a surprise separately and you can then gauge how things are between you two when you see here one on one.

Just don't bitch about friend A to her she won't want to hear it probably. Just carry on with your life.

stayathomer · 07/08/2021 19:38

Sorry to hear all of this OP, hopefully it all gets worked outBrew

winterchills · 07/08/2021 19:53

That's awful! Nasty cow. You need to speak to friend B and tell her all this

HaveringWavering · 07/08/2021 20:00

[quote Rooree2609]@NammeChannge I didn't feel she was that surprised it was over message so hard to read but left me feeling more wary than anything tbh[/quote]
Oh, thought you said you had talked to her?

anabanana11 · 07/08/2021 20:12

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Fernando072020 · 07/08/2021 20:13

I find the bride's response to be quite telling. If my bridesmaid had purposely not invited one of my good friends, I'd be fuming and demanding an explanation from bridesmaid, while reassuring my friend that I'd find out what went wrong and why she didn't know.
Not making excuses and saying it must've been a "mistake".

If the bride did know, that makes it all the worse for her text the other day about "looking forward to seeing you at the hen".

Sadly, I'd be washing my hands of these two and declining the wedding invite.

Hankunamatata · 07/08/2021 20:13

I wouldn't overthink her responses today. She's probably feeling like death.

EBrush · 07/08/2021 20:28

Ironically, if all goes well for the bride she might become a mum soon too and you'd have much more in common again.

If someone shows you their true colours, by all means give them one chance but if they are game playing so and sos, ditch and run. Sadly, it means that you have to leave friends who played along with nasty friend's games are not real friends either.

There are two ways to deal with bitch 'A' type of women. Run, run, run and be prepared to leave mutual friends behind or outbitch her.

Hugoslavia · 07/08/2021 20:34

I absolutely would ask A why you were excluded when included in the original arrangements and are invited to the wedding. Tell her how hurtful this was and how much you had been looking forward to it. Don't let her get away with it. The least she owes you is an explanation. Be to the point. My guess is that you'll be fobbed off about how everyone would be drinking and staying up late and she didn't think that you'd be able to join in.

Frodogo · 07/08/2021 20:51

After that response, I might reconsider even attending the wedding, unless you've already RSVP'd. Certainly wouldn't put in any extra effort for her wedding gift. I'd keep all contact to a bare minimum and focus on growing other friendships instead.

FreshFreesias · 07/08/2021 20:53

So sorry op.
You will find better friends.

HotAndGrumpy · 07/08/2021 21:04

I bet when Friend B has DC she will be looking to be besties again.

TheBestCandidateByFar · 07/08/2021 21:05

Sounds like she knew tbh.

30degreesandmeltinghere · 07/08/2021 21:09

Maybe she thinks it must be a mistake a she thinks friend wouldn't do that to HER..
Let her get her head around it...

nonotmenotI · 07/08/2021 21:11

I don't believe B thinks it was a mistake. She must remember what A was like in the past.

Hope you get it sorted op.

tothelakes · 07/08/2021 21:16

I would hold off on judging what B knew until after the weekend tbh. It's her hen do, she won't want any awkwardness or something to further mess up the weekend.

I would follow up with her though and I think when you speak to her, you'll know by her reaction whether she's really sorry you missed out.

I would absolutely message A, after the weekend, and ask directly why you weren't invited. Don't pussyfoot around her, it doesn't sound like there's any friendship there to salvage.

JacquelineCarlyle · 07/08/2021 21:25

Oh Op, that's rotten. No advice, just look after yourself.

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