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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ask Friend A why she excluded me from Friend Best hen party

519 replies

Rooree2609 · 07/08/2021 09:41

So basically I have two friends we will call them friend A and Friend B

I became friends with friend B through friend A and we've all been friends now for 15 years ( became friends as teenagers)

Over the years on a few occasions Friend A has done a few not so nice things to friend B and I and at one point Friend B considered ending the friendship with Friend A however I said we should meet up and try and salvage it
At this point friend B and I where closer
We did manage to salvage the friendship

However not long after I got married to DH and had my first DS
After this Friend A and Friend B who both live in the city became closer and I noticed myself left out often which was OK at first as I was the only married one with a child etc

However I've always made a effort to see them both and pre covid we had started to see each other more

A week before lockdown one Friend B announced she was engaged .. and of course had covid not happened I assumed I'd see her have wedding chat etc

Covid did happen and I fell pregnant with DS2 and I didn't see her meanwhile friend A told me she had offered to help with wedding planning etc
So it came as no surprise that Friend A was bridesmaid etc
I still of course thought I'd be invited to the wedding if covid allowed it
And both friend A and friend B visited baby once covid rules allowed and we spoke about the wedding

I then got a invite to the hen through a group chat organised by friend A which I said I would make without fail and couldn't wait
I even suggested places to host it etc

The wedding invite came too BTW just to make it clear I am going to wedding

A couple of weeks later Friend A told me the original hen idea was cancelled and removed me from the group she told me she'd let me know if something else was arranged

I then met friend A last weekend and when I tried to talk about wedding she changed subject
I wanted to ask what was happening with the hen but I hate awkwardness so I didn't it

Friend B then messaged me days ago and she spoke about how she couldn't wait to see me at hen

Stupid me assuming friend A would let me know about hen didn't even think I wouldn't be there so I said I wouldn't miss it

I honestly assumed it hadn't be re arranged yet and I'd be there

Then last night up pops friend As story and there is friend Bs hen in full swing in a venue I recommend with about ten girls there including friend As sisters who aren't even close to Friend B

I actually felt my heart sink and felt really hurt I couldn't believe it

Now friend A over the years has sometimes excluded me and I've justified it that it's because I'm a mum maybe she thought I wouldn't want to it come etc
But each time she's did this it's hurt and DH has said to call her out
But I hate confrontation so I've left it and kept my feelings to myself

But now I feel so hurt that I'm missing a valued friends hen party who clearly thought I'd be there
And I wonder if I should ask Friend A why she removed me from the hen plans and excluded me ?
My only thought is maybe it bothered her that she introduced to me to friend B and for several years friend B and I ended up closer ?

OP posts:
Original poster
Rooree2609 · 07/08/2021 17:29

@phishy I have a feeling if I cease to make effort it will dwindle

OP posts:
Original poster
Rooree2609 · 07/08/2021 17:31

@bleachblondemom she didn't really mention friend A nor did she seem annoyed or anything which makes me think friendships are probably both dead

It was a very flippant response then a hour or so later a more i can't believe this kind of reaction but very much oh it must of been a mistake which It wasn't

OP posts:
NammeChannge · 07/08/2021 17:33

Do you think if you let it dwindle then there is a chance you'll reach the same stage again in years to come? Having young children is such an intense time and I imagine if she is saying you were an obsessed mum then that's because you were trying to be a good mum. Could that have created jealousy if A or B don't have good relationships with their own mums?

If you don't want to, don't go to the wedding. I think it's understandable, just give them notice and find an excuse (you could be self isolating by then amyhow).

Firstbaby2022 · 07/08/2021 17:38

If you’re not getting much from the bride I would ring or message the friend who organised it and asked why SHE didn’t invite you, if it wasn’t all her idea and the bride was involved in not inviting you friend A won’t take the whole responsibility for it I’m guessing

bleachblondemom · 07/08/2021 17:39

@Rooree2609 that’s a shame, but I think you are right. Time to let these friendships go

Rubyupbeat · 07/08/2021 17:41

Make a WhatsApp group, for just the 3 of you and say to friend b, sorry you weren't there, but you weren't invited.

chopc · 07/08/2021 17:50

What a disappointing response OP. You have now found out that they didn't see your friendship the same way you did. In these situations it is probably better to just withdraw rather than have it out and give them something to bitch about

Ideasplease322 · 07/08/2021 17:53

Op I think you have done everything you can.

It sounds like you weren’t invited and the bride knew. I am sorry, this must really hurt.

Friendships change, and it sounds like, for whatever reason, both ladies are phasing you out.

I am experiencing the same at the moment and realise I have made a fool of myself by assuming a friends birthday wasn’t being marked, so I arranged a nice drinks party. But there was a birthday bash, I just wasn’t invited. Very awkward and trying To back out of it all while maintaining my dignity.

I am too old for this crap.

tensmum1964 · 07/08/2021 17:53

Sounds like its time to ditch both. I would not bother going to the wedding, the pair of them deserve each other by the sound of things.

diddl · 07/08/2021 17:58

"It was a very flippant response then a hour or so later a more i can't believe this kind of reaction but very much oh it must of been a mistake which It wasn't"

I guess she was never going to respond with "well what a bitch A is can't believe she didn't invite you".

As A will have given some reason/excuse that might be plausible and they are obviously quite close now.

Maybe see if there's much follow up from her-if she's upset & would obviously love to do something with you.

If not, maybe just step back.

Mummyoflittledragon · 07/08/2021 17:58

Oh dear. It does perhaps sound more like she knew or isn’t particularly bothered. What a shame. Flowers

diddl · 07/08/2021 17:59

Part of me can't help thinking that if she was that bothered she would have asked if you could join them.

Unsure33 · 07/08/2021 18:00

It could be that friend A has lied to friend B about why you were not there and somehow preempted your response.

But if friend b believes her over you and seems flippant then she is no true friend either.

What a horrible way for you to find out though.

Salome61 · 07/08/2021 18:01

So very sorry to read this. Years ago my husband and I weren't invited to a 'friend's' birthday party, it was awkward as I always organised transport to this sort of thing and had to keep saying 'we've not been invited'.

The night before, the 'friend' rang, and said someone had dropped out and we were first on his 'waiting list'. Some people just don't know how to be a friend.

nancydroo · 07/08/2021 18:08

@CallmeHendricks

What a complete and utter bitch "Friend" A is! Do NOT let her get away with it by remaining silent or trying to take the moral high ground. Call her out.
This!
Redsquirrel5 · 07/08/2021 18:15

Why don’t you invite friend B and the other friend that wasn’t invited to something different like an afternoon tea with a glass of bubbly? Find somewhere really lovely and don’t tell B where she is going so she doesn’t tell A. Choose somewhere you have to pre book so A can’t turn up and join in. That way you and the other person can have a lovely afternoon with her.

dustofneptune · 07/08/2021 18:17

Hmmm... it could be that they are both trying to phase you out then.
It's up to you how you deal with it from here.
You could set up a group chat with the three of them at some point and ask them both, together, if you've done something wrong. That's usually a good way to get people to talk about their real feelings, (rather than being confrontational). This way, you might get to find out what's really happened.
Otherwise, you could just drift. But if you do that, you risk sending the wrong signals if there has been a genuine misunderstanding. It depends whether you truly value the friendship with B.

PuppyMonkey · 07/08/2021 18:20

I feel I need to know more detail about this flippant response. Confused

How about texting saying you’re on your way to join them for the rest of the weekend as you know the venue. I mean, don’t go or anything but it might make them squirm a bit anticipating you rocking up there.Grin

Coffeepot72 · 07/08/2021 18:22

I’d be wanting to see some effort towards the friendship from the bride

Birminghambloke · 07/08/2021 18:22

With the friend b response are you still going to go to the wedding? Or are you going to phase out the friendship from now?

Secretroses · 07/08/2021 18:23

I should think Friend B is probably feeling a bit awkward. It could well be that she genuinely didn't know Friend A didn't invite you but she feels guilty about the prospect of bad mouthing Friend A via text as she has seen the effort Friend A had gone to to organise the hen do she is still on. She probably doesn't want to have it out with Friend B right now and it will all come out later. I wouldn't write off Friend B necessarily at this stage but I would be wary...

DoubleTweenQueen · 07/08/2021 18:25

@Rooree2609 I am so sorry :( What awful people.
I wonder what will happen when either A or B become parents. Both sound like utter cows, tbh.

Secretroses · 07/08/2021 18:25

'She probably doesn't want to have it out with Friend A right now' that should say...

30degreesandmeltinghere · 07/08/2021 18:25

For her birthday send a framed pic of your dc and then never bother with her again...
And make sure you look bloody amazing at the wedding.
And have the best night ever...
She won't expect you to attend I reckon.

RikkiTikkiTavvi · 07/08/2021 18:42

I would try not to read anything into Friend B’s message or her tone just yet OP. She’s in an awkward position given that she’s actually away with A on her hen do right now, and also probably doesn’t want a confrontation or anything else to spoil it.
You say you are seeing Friend B soon. I would discuss it then and do your best not to dwell on things too much until then.