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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I tell her?

289 replies

Pollypocket89 · 07/08/2021 08:22

I probably am being unreasonable but I'm exhausted and angry

My lovely friend found out she was the other woman last night after being very much in love for 13 months. Obviously that's over and she's devastated. She's promised him she won't tell his girlfriend as he threatened to harm himself

I've been cheated on and I'm furious on both their behalf. I don't want to cause trouble and I'll probably be told its not my business but I would want to know myself
Do I tell her?

OP posts:
DrSbaitso · 08/08/2021 18:17

I don't understand why you knowing about it makes a difference.

Then it won't make any difference if you mind your own business, will it?

If you don't understand the difference, then you aren't informed enough to make the decision. So stay out.

Because you are not everyone.

Neither are you, but you feel qualified to make a unilateral decision for someone you don't know. Even knowing many people wouldn't want you to.

The only reason for this is because it gratifies you, and as you feel comfortable blaming someone else, I would just be collateral damage in your Don Quixote interference. You are satisfied, so it doesn't matter that I'm not.

You don't know me and you have no connection with the situation. You admit yourself that you don't understand why people wouldn't want you doing it and that alone is reason enough to butt out of it.

saraclara · 08/08/2021 18:19

The person who was unwittingly the OW has the right to tell this man's GF. But her random friend does not.

It's ridiculous of the OP to claim that she'll only do it with her friend's psermission. The friend has already said that she doesn't want the GF to be told because she fears the bloke will harm himself. So I don't believe for a minute that OP has her permission or ever intended getting it.

WallaceinAnderland · 08/08/2021 18:20

She must have suspected something.

She probably does. But because of all the don't say anything do-gooders, she won't know the truth and will continue torturing herself whilst he happily lies, gaslights and shags another woman.

DrSbaitso · 08/08/2021 18:22

@WallaceinAnderland

She must have suspected something.

She probably does. But because of all the don't say anything do-gooders, she won't know the truth and will continue torturing herself whilst he happily lies, gaslights and shags another woman.

And that's not the friend's concern. You aren't the world's knight errant, charged with righting all wrongs. You don't know anything about these people and they are nothing to do with you.

Don Quixote was an arrogant knob who made an idiot of himself.

Blossomtoes · 08/08/2021 18:22

@WallaceinAnderland

She must have suspected something.

She probably does. But because of all the don't say anything do-gooders, she won't know the truth and will continue torturing herself whilst he happily lies, gaslights and shags another woman.

Did you even bother to read my post?
Nicolastuffedone · 08/08/2021 18:24

I wouldn’t say anything. You don’t know how very difficult he could make life for your friend.

DrSbaitso · 08/08/2021 18:35

Wallace has no idea if the girlfriend is "torturing herself". That's pure invention. She may have no idea and be perfectly happy, she may already know and be choosing to turn a blind eye, she may be shagging someone else herself, she may decide to harm herself if she finds out. You just don't know. And you also claim not to understand the risk of telling her, or why it would change things for her. How can you not see that this makes it wholly inappropriate to insert yourself into her life?

At every turn, stuff you don't know, stuff you don't understand and stuff you're making up. You don't know these people. You have no connection to the situation. You have no idea what you could be doing.

You claim to be all about informed decisions but this is the ultimate uninformed decision and it affects other people, not you. If you're not connected, or close enough to know what you're doing, do no harm and stay out!

Mountaingoatling · 08/08/2021 18:35

How does a sense of loyalty to a stranger rank more highly with you than loyalty to a friend who told you information in confidence?

Youre seeking to involve yourself in something that doesn't concern you when you should be asking how you support your friend.

ByWayOf · 08/08/2021 18:38

DrSbaito and Blossomtoes

Before you get too carried away, bear in mind that I would consider someone who knew but didn't tell me of my partner's infidelity to be willifully complicit in deceiving me in order to keep their own powder dry, and frankly, a bit morally deficient. I would be just as furious and full of indignation at their not telling me as you would apparently be if someone did tell you.

How dare you collude with my cheating partner and not let me know all the pertinent facts on my own life etc.

That's why this is such an awful position to be put in as a third party - you can be shot as both the messenger and for the failure to deliver the message and you really can never know which the cheated partner would prefer until you choose a course of action.

Even someone who has previously said they wouldn't want to know could feel very differently about having been kept in the dark of and when they discover the affair themselves and realise that everyone around them knew to boot. Similarly, someone who has always said they absolutely would want to know could end up wishing noone had ever said anything.

The cheating partner would be delighted to have everyone focusing on all these third parties who did it didn't reveal all rather than their own appalling behaviour, of course!

Blossomtoes · 08/08/2021 18:41

The cheating partner would be delighted to have everyone focusing on all these third parties who did it didn't reveal all rather than their own appalling behaviour, of course!

Best reason yet for not getting involved in things that don’t concern you.

DrSbaitso · 08/08/2021 18:43

How dare you collude with my cheating partner and not let me know all the pertinent facts on my own life etc.

The point is that we are talking about a situation involving strangers. It's not collusion. OP doesn't know these people and she's had no involvement in any of it.

If she were the OW, or somehow closely connected to the girlfriend, that would make a huge difference (though it still wouldn't necessarily mean telling was the best course of action). But she's not. We're talking about people inserting themselves into the lives of strangers without any idea of whether this could be harmful or unwelcome.

Even someone who has previously said they wouldn't want to know could feel very differently about having been kept in the dark

And people who think they would want to know often wish they didn't, once they do. So what?

It's a massive decision, unilateral and affects other people. Even if you were closely connected, you'd need to think long and hard. When you're a stranger or near enough? You don't have any useful information, you have no idea what you could cause and you're not the sexual morality police. Stay. Out!

QueenBee52 · 08/08/2021 18:46

Tell her.. don't keep this Dirty Rats secrets, if you don't tell her, you're just enabling to carry on cheating. I loathe cheating.

ByWayOf · 08/08/2021 19:00

The problem is, DrS and Blossomtoes that an absence of action also has consequences.

Having this information and not sharing it is also a choice that has potentially catastrophic consequences for people about which you also have no idea - stranger or close friend.

It's silly to pretend it doesn't or that keeping quiet is the morally neutral position. There is no guaranteed neutral position that lets you off the hook once you know. That's why it's such an invidious position to be put in.

Blossomtoes you'll notice that I said the cheating partner would be delighted to have people focusing on third parties who did OR DIDN'T tell them. It's not a reason not to say anything - you won't necessarily avoid that or escape the deceived spouse's disapprobation by staying silent, as I have made clear.

DrS it's all very well for you to say "it's not collusion", but I would think it is, and I would judge you for not telling me. It's not up for debate if I am the injured party; it's how I would feel and how I would view you. Just as others on this thread can argue that telling you wouldn't be coming from a place of self-interest or malice or grandiose white knight syndrome and you say "well it is to me". Well ok, that's how you would feel. People have to take their chance whether they choose to act or not.

I will not "Stay. Out." I, and others with my view, must act as we see fit in accordance with conscience. No doubt you will do the same; I don't think we've changed any minds here!

WallaceinAnderland · 08/08/2021 19:00

You aren't the world's knight errant, charged with righting all wrongs.

I don't know why you keep saying this. I have said repeatedly that I don't claim anything like that.

Wallace has no idea if the girlfriend is "torturing herself". That's pure invention.

And you have no idea if she's not. That's pure invention too.

ByWayOf · 08/08/2021 19:04

I should say that the position would shift somewhat for me if my accidental OW friend were against me telling the "official" girlfriend purely because I would have a greater sense of loyalty to that friend than a stranger, but that doesn't necessarily make it a hugely moral choice - it would just be based on partiality in favour of my friend, and probably a self-interested desire not to lose her.

It doesn't sound like that's the case here, though. If she's happy for the OP to tell the girlfriend but just doesn't want to personally risk cheater's wrath (or dubious claims of consequent self-harm) by doing it herself, then I'd feel free to act in accordance with conscience.

Blossomtoes · 08/08/2021 19:08

I would judge you for not telling me

How would you judge a stranger? And why would they care if you did?

ByWayOf · 08/08/2021 19:11

Blossom You could say the same for someone who told you.

ByWayOf · 08/08/2021 19:12

My point, basically!

Blossomtoes · 08/08/2021 19:18

Blossom You could say the same for someone who told you

Except I’d be left with all the chaos they’d wreaked. All so they could pat themselves on the back.

5128gap · 08/08/2021 19:28

Having the information and not sharing it is not a choice with consequences. It is a neutral action. The cheating partner's choices are the ones with consequences and the blame should never be shared by a person who believes it best to mind their own business.

ByWayOf · 08/08/2021 19:31

Blossomtoes Once again, you could say exactly the same for someone who chose not to tell you and let you suffer all the consequences of hitching your wagon to a cheat unknowingly.

You'd be left with all that chaos and they could pay themselves on the back at having "kept out of it".

ByWayOf · 08/08/2021 19:38

5128gap Certainly not. Doing nothing (as a concept) is often very far from a neutral act and it certainly does have consequences.

Clearly, I am not making this comparison to put it on a par with cheating, but to illustrate the point: If you see someone drowning in a body of water and there is a lifebelt at the side, you can choose to throw it to them and call emergency services with the potential consequence of saving their life, or you can take the "neutral" position of doing nothing. That is up to you. But choosing the "neutral" position of absence of action has certainly increased the risk they will die.

I agree that the cheater's actions are their own, but by the same token it cannot be right to have a person who merely informed you of the truth share in the blame either.

Blossomtoes · 08/08/2021 19:39

@ByWayOf

Blossomtoes Once again, you could say exactly the same for someone who chose not to tell you and let you suffer all the consequences of hitching your wagon to a cheat unknowingly.

You'd be left with all that chaos and they could pay themselves on the back at having "kept out of it".

If I didn’t know there wouldn’t be any chaos, would there?
ByWayOf · 08/08/2021 19:57

Blossomtoes

Leaving aside the fact there is every possibility of your finding out or being told or left by your partner at some point anyway, way down the track when you've already made decisions in ignorance which will lead to significant chaos in your life (and that is a very big 'leaving aside'!), it is also perfectly possible that you are already suffering for his infidelity, unbeknownst to you.

Other pregnancies and consequent resources, STIs, family money being spent elsewhere, unexplained absences, gaslighting and consequent mental health issues, a totally different dynamic in your relationship because one partner knows what's going on and feels whatever they feel about what they're doing to you and views you however they view you for not cottoning on.

So sorry, I don't agree there's no chaos without the truth.

As I say, I'm not expecting to "convert" you but I'm afraid you're fighting a losing battle with me too

To me the truth, however painful, is almost always preferable to deceit.

AlternativePerspective · 08/08/2021 20:07

It is ridiculous to suggest that the OP owes any stranger anything.

The responsibility is all on the boyfriend, and perhaps the friend as I don’t believe for a second she didn’t at least suspect she was the OW

And while I agree entirely that the man is being manipulative in saying he would kill himself, what if he did? It’s all very well to say that that would be his responsibility when you’re sitting behind a keyboard, when you’re actually the person who did what you were told not to and the threat was carried out, it really isn’t as easy as just saying “well that was his decision.”

It’s entirely possible the friend doesn’t want to tell his GF because she was knowingly the OW and is hoping that he will come back to her. That’s not likely to happen if she tells the GF now is it?