Should I tell her?

[Pollypocket89]

I probably am being unreasonable but I'm exhausted and angry

My lovely friend found out she was the other woman last night after being very much in love for 13 months. Obviously that's over and she's devastated. She's promised him she won't tell his girlfriend as he threatened to harm himself

I've been cheated on and I'm furious on both their behalf. I don't want to cause trouble and I'll probably be told its not my business but I would want to know myself
Do I tell her?

@WallaceinAnderland

I guarantee they'd be furious if they told her "so she can make an informed decision" and her decision was to stay.

Tbh I would expect her to stay. At least at first. If she didn't already have suspicions it would be a lot to take in. And of course he would put his spin on it so she would not know the full story or who to believe.

But it would be out in the open for her to think about, discuss and make informed decisions. They could stay together, they could go for counselling, there could be a big shift in their relationship, she could focus on her career to maximise her potential if not already doing so, she could decide not to have another child with him or not to invest in property with him. She could make all sorts of decisions that ensure she is protected and covered should it all go tits up. And if she decides to stay, fine, that is absolutely her choice. Not telling does not give her any choice and that's why I think it's wrong.

She could make any one of those decisions without the input of a meddlesome stranger who takes it upon themselves to launch a bomb into her life.

She could make any one of those decisions without the input of a meddlesome stranger who takes it upon themselves to launch a bomb into her life.

Not really. She can't make informed decisions without the information needed to be informed.

She could make any one of those decisions without the input of a meddlesome stranger who takes it upon themselves to launch a bomb into her life

This.

Yep tell her. Or tip her off anonymously.

@WallaceinAnderland

She could make any one of those decisions without the input of a meddlesome stranger who takes it upon themselves to launch a bomb into her life.

Not really. She can't make informed decisions without the information needed to be informed.

She can make her own decisions without total strangers appointing themselves her informational aides. Especially if they're just going to drop the bomb and disappear.

It's not our business to go around inserting ourselves into the lives of strangers to try to make them do what we think they should do or "inform" them of things we want them to know. If you think she is going to stay anyway, it makes even less sense that you should tell her. You've changed nothing except her happiness levels with her situation.

Some people don't want to know. Unless you're closely involved in some way, and are absolutely sure of what you're doing, you stay out of strangers' lives.

Some cheaters justify it by saying they aren't causing any pain. I don't think that makes it right, but it's not a justification that a meddler could use.

She can make her own decisions based on the fact that she wrongly thinks she is in a committed relationship. Her decisions may very well be entirely different once she knows that he is not as committed as she thought. Or they might be entirely the same, it's completely up to her. That's why I think she has a right to know.

@WallaceinAnderland

She can make her own decisions based on the fact that she wrongly thinks she is in a committed relationship. Her decisions may very well be entirely different once she knows that he is not as committed as she thought. Or they might be entirely the same, it's completely up to her. That's why I think she has a right to know.

You don't know if she wants to know, and if you're a stranger or near enough, you'll merely drop the bomb and then skip away from the devastation. There's absolutely nothing noble in that.

The more important issue is that you don't have a right to try to correct strangers' lives for them. If you're not directly involved and can't make a very good, informed guess about the outcome, stay out. First, do no harm.

Only cheats cover for each other. There are a lot.

You don't know if she wants to know, and if you're a stranger or near enough, you'll merely drop the bomb and then skip away from the devastation. There's absolutely nothing noble in that.

I would not do it because I wanted to be noble. I would do it because I think she has a right to know.

The more important issue is that you don't have a right to try to correct strangers' lives for them. If you're not directly involved and can't make a very good, informed guess about the outcome, stay out. First, do no harm.

My view is that it's better they have all the information in order to make a good, informed choice about what they want, so I would give them the information I had in a neutral, factual manner and let them decide.

I understand that not everyone would want to do that because they don't want the responsibility but I am personally satisfied that the responsibility lies entirely with the cheating partner who weighed up the risks in the first place and decided it was a risk worth taking.

I would want to know, others wouldn't. None of us know what is in another person's mind so we can only be guided by our own personal view and my view is that she has a right to know and a right to decide what, if anything, she wants to do about it.

I would do it because I think she has a right to know...My view is that it's better they have all the information in order to make a good, informed choice...I am personally satisfied that the responsibility lies entirely with the cheating partner...

You think, you would, you personally are satisfied.

But also...

I would want to know, others wouldn't. None of us know what is in another person's mind

Your response to this is to to with what you decide, you think, you are satisfied with. But if you understand that you don't know what others want, and that some people wouldn't want you telling them, your personal view isn't enough to make such a massive unilateral decision for them just because YOU would be happy with doing it. It's actually quite a myopic and self serving view.

If you're actually involved in the situation, that's one thing. If you know the person very well and you really are very sure this is the best thing for them, and you aren't going to skip away from the flak, that's also one thing.

But unilateral decisions that change someone else's life when you have no connection and don't know what they'd want? Because you personally feel OK with it? No. First, do no harm. It is not your job to go around correcting people's lives as you see fit.

Oh, and...

I understand that not everyone would want to do that because they don't want the responsibility

No, it's not because we are shirking a responsibility, thank you. It's because we think the responsibility here is not to drop bombs in people's lives when we aren't involved or sticking around afterwards. Part of responsibility is knowing when it's not your place.

Honestly, if you did this to me - unilaterally decided to change my life for the worst without having any connection to it - and told me it was fine because YOU were satisfied with it, I wouldn't thank you and I wouldn't think it was altruistic or noble.

Somebody anonymously told my friend her husband was having an affair and it was the best thing they could have done. It meant she could make an informed choice, take control of her life and get rid of him.

@WallaceinAnderland

People who wouldn't want to know are essentially agreeing to an open relationship, which is fine of course if that's what they want. The message is be discreet, be careful re pregnancy and sti and don't tell me, I don't want to know.

No, they're not. That is another example of projecting your own views onto someone else. Maybe if the person said that to their partner it would be taken that way, but just thinking that way is a far cry from being happy with an affair. There's also a huge difference between wanting to know what's going on in your relationship, and wanting some busy body you've never met giving you some half story, often based on gossip, hearsay and presumption. They don't know 'the facts' from their position behind the net curtains, usually they know just enough to cause severe distress and embarrassment. There may be a time to involve yourself in other people's relationships, if it's your daughter, sister, best friend for example, but this is not one of them.

@DrSbaitso

Honestly, if you did this to me - unilaterally decided to change my life for the worst without having any connection to it - and told me it was fine because YOU were satisfied with it, I wouldn't thank you and I wouldn't think it was altruistic or noble.

Nor me. In fact if anyone did this to me my fury would hit them with such force they’d never even think of doing it again. It’s such a presumptuous thing to do.

@DrSbaitso

Honestly, if you did this to me - unilaterally decided to change my life for the worst without having any connection to it - and told me it was fine because YOU were satisfied with it, I wouldn't thank you and I wouldn't think it was altruistic or noble.

I wouldn't expect, want or need thanks. I don't think of it as noble or altruistic. I think you are putting much more emotion and intention into it than is really there. I would simply let the person know what I knew because I think they have a right to know. I wouldn't mind if you hated me but I would think the anger was misdirected. What are you angry about after all, what is causing the real problem and pain. The fact that the person cheated, or the fact that you know about it?

I wouldn't mind if you hated me

You really don't get that your feelings aren't the issue here, do you?

You'd be taking no risk to yourself, and every risk to me. And if you don't know me, and have no connection with me or the affair, it is not your business. You don't know enough about the situation or me to know what's best. I do not give you permission to change my life like that while you get to walk away untouched. I don't care if you are happy with it, I'm not and I'm I'm one who's affected and who you claim to want to help.

Mind your own business!

I completely understand why you want to tell her. For me the motivating factor would be to help another woman out, not to teach him a lesson. He’s highly likely to do similar again and possibly after she has born his children. It wasn’t a drunken snog, he was in a relationship with OPs friend for over a year.

I’m not sure this means that you actually should tell her, for all the other reasons given - but I understand the motivation and if I were her I would want to know for sure. She’s only 25 and might be about to waste many more years on this dickhead.

@DrSbaitso

I wouldn't mind if you hated me

You really don't get that your feelings aren't the issue here, do you?

You'd be taking no risk to yourself, and every risk to me. And if you don't know me, and have no connection with me or the affair, it is not your business. You don't know enough about the situation or me to know what's best. I do not give you permission to change my life like that while you get to walk away untouched. I don't care if you are happy with it, I'm not and I'm I'm one who's affected and who you claim to want to help.

Mind your own business!

What would the risk be to you?

What would the risk be to you?

If you don't know this, you truly have no business lighting this touch paper in someone's life.

Additionally: now that you know I don't want you to tell me, and do not give you permission to tell me, why are you continuing to argue that you should?

Whose needs are you actually trying to fulfil?

@DrSbaitso

What would the risk be to you?

If you don't know this, you truly have no business lighting this touch paper in someone's life.

I know the risk of your partner having an affair. I don't understand why you knowing about it makes a difference. It still means that you are with a cheat who doesn't love or respect you. You're still in a crap relationship. Better to know and have the opportunity to get out of it imo.

Additionally: now that you know I don't want you to tell me, and do not give you permission to tell me, why are you continuing to argue that you should?

Because you are not everyone.

He was man enough to cheat, now there is a threat of his partner finding out he wants to self harm himself .... WHAT AN ABSOLUTE TWAT of the male variety. Throw him into a sea of sharks, the gutless idiot.

I find it hard to believe she had no idea, given they lived in the same town etc.

Posters always say that the wife/gf will likely have known something was wrong, but OP’s friend had a 13 month long relationship with a man whose house she will never have been to, whose family and friends she will never have been introduced to, and how did they go out in public if they were living in the same town as him and his GF?

If it’s a long distance relationship then it’s easy to live a lie and I can totally see how someone could be drawn in, and in the same town they could easily be drawn in for maybe a few weeks. But 13 months? Sorry, I just don’t believe it.

She must have suspected something.

I don't understand why you knowing about it makes a difference. It still means that you are with a cheat who doesn't love or respect you. You're still in a crap relationship. Better to know and have the opportunity to get out of it imo

But your opinion isn’t relevant, it’s not your life. Not every relationship where someone’s having an affair is crap, nor does infidelity automatically mean lack of love or respect.

Just imagine if someone has had niggling doubts at the back of their mind, has been pushing them away because they’re too painful and you come charging in like a bull in a china shop because you’re so convinced in your arrogance that it’s the right thing to do. You drop a hand grenade into someone else’s life, create absolute carnage and walk away whistling and full of self congratulation because you think you’ve given them choice. You’ve got to have some ego to think that’s OK.