Page 7 | Should I tell her?

ChargingBuck · 07/08/2021 19:31

She's promised him she won't tell his girlfriend as he threatened to harm himself

I think the Official Girlfriend has a right to know she's going out with a cheating, manipulative twat. Of course he's not going to harm himself, he just doesn't want to lose two birds with one stone ...

It's better coming from your friend though, as she's one of the injured parties.
Start by getting her to realise that a coerced promise means nothing - & ask her if it had been the other way round, would she have preferred that the Official g/f told her what was going on?

saraclara · 07/08/2021 19:34

@Bluntness100

Wow don’t disrespect your friend like this. She told you to support her not to cause more shit.

That. Your friend told you a confidence. She was not to blame for this situation, but if there is fall out from you telling the girlfriend, it will be your friend who gets the flack, not you. Don't do this to her. She doesn't deserve it.

Your innocent friend comes before a random woman that you don't even know.

ChargingBuck · 07/08/2021 19:37

@Alondra

This is g/f, b/f relationship. No marriage, no kids and I suppose no financial issues.

Instead of feeding into the drama, you should be supporting your friend to move on and getting on with her life. Involving yourself into telling his girlfriend is just creating more drama.

Huge financial issues - b/f & Official g/f are buying a house together.

Blossomtoes · 07/08/2021 19:38

[quote WallaceinAnderland]@Blossomtoes do you mind me asking why you wouldn't want to know if your partner was cheating. Totally understand that everyone's different but would like to know the reasoning behind it.[/quote]
I wouldn’t want to know because it would bring a world of trouble to my door. Trouble that might well be needless. I’d be very, very angry if someone was presumptuous enough to tell me just to make themselves feel better so they could polish their halo.

Od130990 · 07/08/2021 19:49

Yes you should tell her, she then has the information to make a consensual choice on whether to stay in a relationship whereby her partner clearly has zero respect for her, your friend or woman in general. The fact he's cheated for 13 months that you know of... what else has he been up to? Both women need to get a sexual health check up and nobody should deny them that.

Plumtree391 · 07/08/2021 20:02

I wonder how the man was able to carry on another relationship with your friend, whilst living with a girlfriend. How did he explain his absences and did your friend have his telephone number at work or home, did she ever meet any friends or relatives of his?

People who are successful in leading a double life usually have a very complicated way of achieving it. It wouldn't be on their doorstep either.

ufucoffee · 07/08/2021 20:09

She promised she wouldn't tell his g/f. She didn't promise that someone wouldn't tell her. Harm himself? He's pathetic. Tell the g/f OP. She deserves to know.

WallaceinAnderland · 07/08/2021 20:14

I wouldn’t want to know because it would bring a world of trouble to my door. Trouble that might well be needless. I’d be very, very angry if someone was presumptuous enough to tell me just to make themselves feel better so they could polish their halo.

That sounds like you would be more angry at the person who told you than the partner who cheated on you.

Blossomtoes · 07/08/2021 21:01

@WallaceinAnderland

I wouldn’t want to know because it would bring a world of trouble to my door. Trouble that might well be needless. I’d be very, very angry if someone was presumptuous enough to tell me just to make themselves feel better so they could polish their halo.

That sounds like you would be more angry at the person who told you than the partner who cheated on you.

I’d be pretty angry with someone who took it upon themselves to meddle with my life. I’d be hurt by my bloke if he was unfaithful.

roonthebend · 07/08/2021 21:06

No no, stay out of it. It's between your friend and the spineless loser. Just support your friend.

roxisolerenshaw · 07/08/2021 21:16

I was cheated on and when I found out I felt so angry towards all those people who knew and didn't tell me. I'd tell her as she's wasting her life away.

OhWhyNot · 07/08/2021 21:23

Many of us have been cheated on

It’s completely irrelevant how we felt it’s not about us we can’t go round policing people’s actions because we disagree with them

roxisolerenshaw · 07/08/2021 21:35

It's not about policing his actions, it's basic girl code.

ScottishNewbie · 07/08/2021 21:43

Yes. I would tell her. I would tell anyone if I found out about cheating, and j would want the same respect given to me.

stevalnamechanger · 07/08/2021 21:48

Tell her

OhWhyNot · 07/08/2021 21:51

Girl code

Do we inform on women who cheat too or just men

It’s about feeling better about yourself are you also going to be there to pick up the pieces or just drop off your letter/post on Facebook/make the phone call

ByWayOf · 08/08/2021 06:34

Blossomtoes Genuine question: are you saying you're basically happy for someone to cheat on you as long as they're clever enough to keep it a secret from you?

Presumably you'd be unhappy of they gave you an STI or it impacted you practically, like them spending a chunk of family money on an affair partner, or they started treating you badly because they resented you, but am I right in thinking that - outside of those things - you'd rather share your partner with (an)other women/woman in blissful ignorance (even if everyone around you knows) than have to confront the truth and lose the perks of a relationship?

belle40 · 08/08/2021 06:50

I was in this situation but on the other side. I simply had no idea my partner had started another relationship behind my back. He ran both for almost a year before I found out. I made several huge decisions based on his lies and I would have been so grateful if someone had told me. Buying a house with someone can be unpicked but I guess the next step would be marriage and children which is much harder to manage if built on lies. I would tell her so she can make an informed decision. No one can make good choices on bad information.

Blossomtoes · 08/08/2021 09:35

@ByWayOf

Blossomtoes Genuine question: are you saying you're basically happy for someone to cheat on you as long as they're clever enough to keep it a secret from you?

Presumably you'd be unhappy of they gave you an STI or it impacted you practically, like them spending a chunk of family money on an affair partner, or they started treating you badly because they resented you, but am I right in thinking that - outside of those things - you'd rather share your partner with (an)other women/woman in blissful ignorance (even if everyone around you knows) than have to confront the truth and lose the perks of a relationship?

It’s not a genuine question. It’s a goady loaded question. I’ve said all I’m going to. Why does it piss people off so much when others hold different views?

Hekatestorch · 08/08/2021 09:45

I have to be honest, I would definitely want to know.

But why are people being shitty to @Blossomtoes because she feels differently.

Once you know, you know. There's no going back and people often say they wished they hadn't found out.

And I do agree with Blossoms 'polishing their halo' statement. Most people don't tell the other woman, for her benefit. They do it because they have another motive.

I believe in ops cases, ots so she can feel she exacted revenge on a cheater, because she was cheated on by someone else. Its not an altruistic deed.

When the OW wants to the girlfriend or wife, it's usually because they want to cause the most amount of pain. Which is why you get alot of OW refusing to give details, then giving them later, but not all, then giving some more and dragging it out. They don't care about how the wife/GF feels. They care about causing him the most pain and the wife/gf is just collateral damage.

Or the hope the wife/gf dumps them to the cheater will run back to them.

Again, it's not an altruistic deed. The person telling usually gets one gain out of it and just see the wofe/gf as a pawn to get whatever they want.

In all honesty, if dp cheated and the OW knew about me and then was pissing me about. I wouldn't leave him. I would spend time getting everything ready. Make sure he makes sure she absolutely knows she means nothing to him. And then when he least expects its, I would make sure he knows he means nothing nothing to me and get rid then.

But then I can be really spiteful.

DrSbaitso · 08/08/2021 10:21

Just as some cheaters don't care who they hurt to get their gratification, some "tell, he deserves it" people don't care who they hurt to get their own.

I guarantee they'd be furious if they told her "so she can make an informed decision" and her decision was to stay.

ByWayOf · 08/08/2021 10:22

Blossomtoes I'm sorry, I can see how it could come across that way. It's because it really does seem to me like that's what it amounts to and personally I do find that stance (which some people - including some of my family members - are very open about!) quite baffling.

I completely understand wanting to avoid hurt for yourself if you wouldn't leave someone for cheating on you anyway (lots of legitimate reasons people don't, don't get me wrong) but "I wouldn't want to know" does seem like a green light to discretely cheat to me and I wondered whether you are indeed of that school of thought that says it's not really the most important thing whether of not someone is faithful to you. If that's not your attitude, I was wondering what you think the difference is.

It seems to me it's either that attitude (and fair enough), or actually you would leave someone if you knew they'd cheated on you (whether for personal feelings or social reasons) but you'd rather someone treat you in that way you find unacceptable but successfully deceived by them to avoid having to leave them.

I didn't express it very tactfully because that stance is very alien to me so I apologise. And you certainly don't owe me any further explanations.

WallaceinAnderland · 08/08/2021 14:07

People who wouldn't want to know are essentially agreeing to an open relationship, which is fine of course if that's what they want. The message is be discreet, be careful re pregnancy and sti and don't tell me, I don't want to know.

WallaceinAnderland · 08/08/2021 14:12

I guarantee they'd be furious if they told her "so she can make an informed decision" and her decision was to stay.

Tbh I would expect her to stay. At least at first. If she didn't already have suspicions it would be a lot to take in. And of course he would put his spin on it so she would not know the full story or who to believe.

But it would be out in the open for her to think about, discuss and make informed decisions. They could stay together, they could go for counselling, there could be a big shift in their relationship, she could focus on her career to maximise her potential if not already doing so, she could decide not to have another child with him or not to invest in property with him. She could make all sorts of decisions that ensure she is protected and covered should it all go tits up. And if she decides to stay, fine, that is absolutely her choice. Not telling does not give her any choice and that's why I think it's wrong.

TeaDrinker98 · 08/08/2021 14:21

Try to detach your feeling of anger and focus on the love you feel for your friend.

You wanting to tell about of anger isn't going to help matters, it'll only make them worse as your friend will feel that she can't trust you. She confided in you and if she decides that she wants you to tell, then that's when you should tell the girlfriend. Under no other circumstances should you tell.

This woman means nothing to you, so you have no reason to help her when it means hurting your friend and breaking trust. She's already having a hard enough time trusting people right now, why add to that?

I will say though, you sound like a very loyal friend. Your friend is so lucky to have you.