To expect my mum to help with her grandchildren?

[flingaling77]

My mum is 68 years old and quite well. She lives a few minutes down the road. She is retired and on her own since my dad died. During covid she stepped back and refused to be part of our bubble at times. We have a 6yo daughter and a 3 yo son. My son has a speech delay and has behaviour issues. My husband and I found lockdown very tough and argued frequently. We considered splitting up due to the strain of his behaviour and the need for constant supervision. His parents live in Cornwall which is 6 hours away from us. They are older but amazing and so hands on. I feel closer to them than my mum really. We chose to live near my mum to support her but we get little help. She makes us feel guilty and is reluctant. She blames lack of confidence but she has made it clear that she wouldn't like to do a lot of childcare like some of her friends. She has said she would have my son for 1 day a fortnight only while I work. I feel hard done by as most of my friends get more help than us. AIBU to expect my mum to want to help with the kids?

How cold and unloving do you have to be to wash your hands of your child when they are going through parenting.
I guess that would be pretty cold, but the thing is, no-one is saying they would.
People are saying they don't want to spend their retirement years / their late sixties becoming childminders.

Poster after poster has said they would be very happy to babysit, or to help out in emergencies, and so forth, but the OP wants her mother to provide regular childcare. That is completely different.

listmaker OP hasn't clarified whether her Mum doesn't want to be involved at all or whether she just isn't offering much childcare. Her Mum is getting a bit older now and is on her own. There's quite a difference between a 60 year old couple picking kids up from school and a 70 year old looking after a 3 year old with special needs all day.

I honestly used to think like you and in the last few years as my back and knees have started to go I absolutely feel so much for all the gps at the school gate. Children are so tiring- I can't imagine in 20 or 30 years I'll want or be able to do much more than chats, hugs and very short visits!!!!

YABVU unless you involved your mother in your decision to have children. She had no say in you having a family and she has no responsibility for the subsequent offspring. I can't believe some of the comments on this thread. I have one grandchild and I'm very involved but that's my choice, it's not an assumed responsibility. Being post menopausal is no fun and can drain you of energy. Also, I don't see grandfathers being mentioned at all in this, surprise surprise.

I genuinely can't believe how many posts are encouraging the OP to move to Cornwall just because her mother 'only' cares for the children once a fortnight! By all means move but this would possibly be the most bat shit reason I have ever heard. What happens if they move to Cornwall and one of the inlaws gets ill suddenly and they can no longer offer child care? Do they move back closer to mum and claim their fortnightly pittance?

I'm in my 50s and am going to be helping out with childcare for my grandson shortly when my DD2s mat leave ends.. she and her dh are in nursing so as I work part time, I shall fill in the gaps on my days off.
However I work with severely autistic children as my job so I'm used to being knackered at the end of the day , and also.. am still comfortable with young children.

I had 4 kids, very close together (5 and under!) and no help at all as we were RAF and no family close, and because of that I appreciate how much just even a little help is brilliant.

BUT I won't be doing it at 68. I reckon I have maybe 5 good years of full on child care left in me, which will see this grandchild through to school...and me to retirement as there us no way I want to be working with challenging behaviour til I'm 67. The difference is my body between even 40 and 50 is sadly quite a lot. I have less stamina and a back screwed from the demands of my job.

I adore my grandson and happily have him regularly already because I want a close loving relaltionship with the child my child has created, but at 68, well it is too much to expect regular help.. the odd babysit and maybe occasional afternoon, but not regular care.

If you haven't.. apply for DLA, contact social services and start begging for respite care. They are reluctant to help but will in the end, if pushed hard enough. My youngest has autism and the early years were hard so you have my sympathy...but you cannot expect your Mum to do it!

Did your mum have a say in the conception?

I'm an older mum. I was 40 having my youngest and I am 58 now. I've always worked full-time and still do. When I retire, I want to be selfish and have time for me. My youngest is still in school.

I think it's really unreasonable to expect grandparents to mind their grandchildren, as though it was an obligation! It's not! We paid through the nose for childcare; someone upthread said £50k. We had childcare for three over 18 years so would say it could be as much as £200k!!

My parents and ILs lived too far away but they wouldn't have wanted to do childcare. My parents were great with the kids, and spent as much time as they could with them. PIL never even met our youngest and died shortly after he was born. MIL saw them about once or twice a year. They stayed with MIL once while DH went to a funeral and I was working. They never stayed over with my parents. I'm sure they would have at some point, but both my parents had passed away by the time ours were 9,7 and 3. MIL died when they were 15, 13 and 9 but for all she saw of them, they weren't that upset.

If I am blessed with grandchildren, I will be happy to cover emergencies, to babysit and spend fun times with them. I don't want to be their childminder. Let your kids have fun times with their granny!!! Mine did, but unfortunately don't remember a lot, which is gutting!!

@Jessica60 - I could happily retire right now. I am so over working for a living. I think raising the retirement age is very unfair, as we've made our contribution, and if we retire, there will be more jobs for younger people. I certainly don't plan to work until I'm 67!!

Why do you expect your mother to work for free for you because you had sex?

@flingaling77 Yes, it is very disappointing not to get the help you wish you could have, but it is her choice how much she feels she can give.

I am a very hands on GP and adore my DGSS's, but boy do they tire me out. I'm younger than your DM, fit and well, and still shocked at how much of a beating my body takes having them overnight. I am still working, but think that when I retire it will be help in small doses, and then visits for fun as much as is feasible. I could not imagine being daily care at any point.

You sound like a lovely daughter, so don't let this come between you now. Just try to realign your expectations to reality, and forget about what your friends get. Every situation is different. Your DM raised you and did a good job, by the sounds of it. Treasure that.

I'd move to be closer to your in-laws then. No GP is obliged to help, but you'd hope they'd want to be involved, and want to help their children out too. I'd move so your children can experience the 3xtra love and involvement of loving GPs.

It's your mother's loss.

[quote flingaling77]@PostMenWithACat in fairness. Many mothers didn't work at the time. My mum is retired.[/quote]
Nonsense. I’m late sixties and I worked with no parental help.

I do help with childcare, but I wish I didn’t have to.

@sleeponeday thank you for posting the Michael Macintyre link. I watched it twice and laughed so hard I cried.

@flingaling77 you and Dh should watch this comedy about what it’s like to have children. It will give you a good laugh and something you can both relate to. It’s hard being a parent especially when there are behavioural issues and especially during a pandemic.

@

Some of the comments on here make me wonder if grandparents even love their grandchildren. Do they expect to be loved unconditionally without any input at all? I can say now for one that my grandson only loves the (exes side) grandparents who make an effort with him and I know that that may sound selfish on my part because they are willing to have him for some childcare in the holidays whereas my parents are not. They would rather help strangers out in their local community so that they look great than interact in any meaningful way with their grandson. I genuinely think that they just don't love him and can't be arsed. They are really strange

OP its hatd isn't it when you see other friends who have their grandparents heavily involved in their kids lives. Its also tough that you don't get a break. I wonder if your mum feels like she has done her time and would struggle with your son?
My parents don't have my son regularly but will always help me if we need to go anywhere or need a break andI have vowed to do the same for my son with his children when and if he chooses to have any.

@wobblywinelover

Some of the comments on here make me wonder if grandparents even love their grandchildren. Do they expect to be loved unconditionally without any input at all? I can say now for one that my grandson only loves the (exes side) grandparents who make an effort with him and I know that that may sound selfish on my part because they are willing to have him for some childcare in the holidays whereas my parents are not. They would rather help strangers out in their local community so that they look great than interact in any meaningful way with their grandson. I genuinely think that they just don't love him and can't be arsed. They are really strange

Sadly, my in-laws are similar - they do volunteer work with strangers but have no time for their grandchildren. It's bizarre.

And I'm not talking about providing childcare (mine are teenagers now anyway), I mean literally spending any time with them at all. They're just not bothered about them.

I'm a healthy 68 year old, but there is no way I could care for a three-year-old for long.

As for @Cyw2018, there is always someone looking for an excuse not to care for their parents

I find it a bit sad seeing so many comments on here from people saying that even when they're retired they have no intention of helping their DC with any grandchildren which may come along.

Knowing how hard it is to raise children, especially when both parents work, and knowing what a huge difference it makes to parents of young children to just have a break now and again (having been there myself), I plan to do all I can to help my own children with their DC, should they chose to have any, especially when I'm retired and have the time.

I would never ask my parents or ILs to be my regular child care. The occasional afternoon or evening or helping out in an emergency, sure, but not the day to day grind. Even all day once every 2 weeks is a huge commitment. I don’t blame grandparents who feel resentful at being asked to give up their well earned retirement to do the real paid job that is nannying do you can work.

I’m really glad my grandparents were a part of my life growing up. My Nanna and Pa lived closer so I saw them a lot more. They helped out a lot. My Grandma and Grandad were over 12 hrs drive away so they had us for some holidays, phone calls, etc.

I have many wonderful memories. I learnt about what life was like in the olden days when they were young. I learnt lots of other valuable life skills too.

I remember complaining to my nanna about all my chores I had to do, how it was unfair because my friends at school didn’t have to do so many. Then I asked her if she had to do chores. She told me how she had to pluck the feathers out of the chickens after her dad had cut their heads off. They didn’t have supermarket chicken back then. My mouth fell open and I realised how lucky I was to not have to do that chore.

But they were from a completely different generation from grandparents today. They lived through the Great Depression and World war. They placed value on everyone pitching in and helping out, the it takes a village to raise the children.

My parents generation went through a massive cultural shift and part of that was the finding yourself movement. So, while there are plenty of parents from this generation who will help with the grandchildren I think many do not. Instead of viewing it as family pitching in and helping each other or it takes a village to raise children, it is viewed as unpaid baby sitting.

However, if grandparents are of an age with it being too much to have the grandchildren on their own, then family members should understand and respect that.

I hope that I’m still around and able to be a part of any future grandchildren’s lives one day. Just like my grandparents were for me.

I’ll help with my grandkids if I can. Like my parents did. I didn’t take advantage of their generosity. I don’t think my kids will either. I think we’re a pretty typical family.

Nurses, police, on your feet all day jobs. Just don't know how they expect us to carry on

Many mothers didn't work at the time. My mum is retired.
"Nonsense. I’m late sixties and I worked with no parental help"

Mothers in employment has increased over the decades, that doesn't mean no mothers worked. Just because your anecdotal experience was different it doesn't mean statistically it's representative of all.

Did your mum have a say in the conception?

My mum witnessed it & gave us a score 😜