To expect my mum to help with her grandchildren?

[flingaling77]

My mum is 68 years old and quite well. She lives a few minutes down the road. She is retired and on her own since my dad died. During covid she stepped back and refused to be part of our bubble at times. We have a 6yo daughter and a 3 yo son. My son has a speech delay and has behaviour issues. My husband and I found lockdown very tough and argued frequently. We considered splitting up due to the strain of his behaviour and the need for constant supervision. His parents live in Cornwall which is 6 hours away from us. They are older but amazing and so hands on. I feel closer to them than my mum really. We chose to live near my mum to support her but we get little help. She makes us feel guilty and is reluctant. She blames lack of confidence but she has made it clear that she wouldn't like to do a lot of childcare like some of her friends. She has said she would have my son for 1 day a fortnight only while I work. I feel hard done by as most of my friends get more help than us. AIBU to expect my mum to want to help with the kids?

YABU. Unfortunately it’s not a familial obligation. If you’re privileged to have hands-on grandparents then that’s fantastic.

My own mother (and father) are not at all interested in my son (their only grandson). Albeit they are a 10 hour drive away but even when they come to stay my mother is happy to have a quick cuddle and take a photo but then …… not much else. My MIL is overseas but when she stayed she would read him books and play games with him, maybe blow bubbles at the park etc. I’m not sure what my mother thinks about her relationship with grandchild and tbh I have stopped caring. I don’t even bother trying to get them to FaceTime as she can’t even have a decent chat with him for 5 mins without getting distracted.. It is what it is and I can’t make my mother engage with him how I think she should. You can’t change your family unfortunately. The MIL will happily chat with him for 5-10 mins which is very cute and precious (he is 6yo now).

@flingaling77 if you do move to Cornwall please ensure your in laws are aware it is because you are expecting help with the kids. It is easier to be hands on and involved when you are not seeing people that often

You say that your relationship is strained under the pressure of parenting a child with such challenging needs and behaviours, yet expect a single 68 yo woman to want to regularly take the reins? A full day with a neurotypical 3yo is hard work enough.

She has told you that she lacks experience and confidence, and can commit to no more than one day per fortnight. Why not be grateful and appreciative of that? Hope that she might consider more as he gets older but not expect it?

In the meantime would she consider having your older child more often, would that help? Invite her on family days out so that she builds relationships and confidence.

I think you will find your in laws less amenable if you move to their town and tell them you'd like regular childcare tbh.

You are being totally unreasonable. Of course she doesn't have to look after them or what to look after them. Kids are a nightmare. My mil made it clear she wasn't going to play thr part of a second mother and lived close my mum would be her mother if I.let her but lived hours away so I was the same. I'm not doing childcare for my kid when they are an adult im going to living my life again.

Is she not involved/interested at all?

I do think some Gps are accused of being not interested/involved whereas it's more that they won't do any/all childcare that is wanted.

We considered splitting up due to the strain of his behaviour and the need for constant supervision

But you think a 68 year old woman should be keen to take on that responsibility ? I think you're being very unreasonable.

I get it ok. My mum has just turned 60, been retired for 5 years and is very good health. Has no voluntary work or other commitments. She has never looked after my children (age 2 and 3) and has simply stated that she doesn't want to. She lived fairly close by. She wanted to be free to do as she pleased 100% of the time. Obviously she is not obligated to help. Nobody is obligated to do anything for anyone else are they... but it is disappointing when most people I know have grandparents that help regularly. My mother seldom even visits.

You can't make her want to do it though. And I would t want someone looking after my kids that wasn't doing so freely and willingly. It makes me sad.

@PostMenWithACat

OP, in the nicest possible way, DH and Inare early 60s. I can imagine the DC may have babies by our mid to late 60s.

I shall be happy to help out in an emergency, see family socially. I am still working full-time. When I retire I do not want to be responsible for regular childcare. We had very little help from parents and managed.

Makes note to make this clear to DC. I could see us funding a day of childcare pw for each of our children to help as we have the means to do that, but physical, regular help, absolutely not.

This! I am the same age and have made it perfectly clear I won't be a childminder when/if my DC have theirs. OP YABVU.

And my in laws are dead and my dad lives really far away. So no help at all! Yes I know they're my kids etc etc .

I do recall spending A LOT of time with my grandmother as a child, so my mother and her boyfriend could go on child free holidays etc. I guess she is someone who just wants to do her own thing and always will.

You had your children not your Mum so why expect her to look after them, surely she has a life of her own to lead yet you expect her to be your childcare. How about you caring for your Mums well being

OP - are you able to move nearer to your PIL? It sounds like your mum wants emotional support from you, but doesn't see it as a 2 way thing. If you need support and your PIL will give it, I would look to move near them if jobs allow.

It also sounds like you are one of the many families who were badly let down in lockdown. Your ds should have been in school, not home schooled. So many families with a child with additional needs were pushed to the limit. Its not fair.

It is also OK to be annoyed at parents who talk about wanting to be involved, but then balk at actually doing it.

YABU.

You expect your 68 year old mother to deal with a child with behavioural issues, issues that are so bad you almost split with your dp over them? Yeah, yabu. Not her responsibility.

Move to Cornwall

It has beautiful beaches. Your DC may love it, what a gift for their young childhood. If mum isn't bothered about her DGC then move to Cornwall near the other DGPs who are bothered. She's 68, that's young! She'll be fine.

@cyw2018. What a sad transactional view of relationships. And I’m clearly totally b, then because my DS and DIL will not be having children, so since I cannot “earn” care from them when I am old, by looking after GC, clearly I shouldn’t expect DS to lift a finger for me when I need it in the future. I’ll tell him - I’m sure it will be a weight off his mind,

@Tiana4

Move to Cornwall

It has beautiful beaches. Your DC may love it, what a gift for their young childhood. If mum isn't bothered about her DGC then move to Cornwall near the other DGPs who are bothered. She's 68, that's young! She'll be fine.

I can assure you that 68 isn’t “young”.

I’m 68, don’t look it, was working nearly full time until recently, go to the gym, walk, swim, and am very fit and strong for my age. However I have nothing like the physical strength and stamina that I had even ten years ago. Ageing has profound effects on the body which are difficult to properly understand until you undergo them yourself. I mentioned upthread that I look after grandchildren regularly but in a limited way. This is to the benefit of my health and my relationship with them and their parents.
OP may not find Cornwall an ideal place to live, nor her in-laws quite as accommodating as she’d like.

How are today's 30 yr olds going to work till 70?!

@Nocaloriesinchocolate I don't think it's transactional but it's probably quite realistic. If your DS cant afford to live near you for example because of housing & childcare costs then they physically aren't going to be around to help you. No one should expect gps to help with gc but equally you don't have dc to care for you as you get old.

I can assure you that 68 isn’t “young”.

Me too. Or if it is my body definitely didn’t get the memo! Where does it stop? I raised my family - mostly as a single parent - worked full time for 44 years, looked after my parents for several years and now I’m supposed to provide care for the next generation?

@rottd

How are today's 30 yr olds going to work till 70?!

It’s shocking. Even more shocking is that there’s been no thought put in as to how to make it achievable. I was lucky in that I was able to change my job to a less demanding version at 60 and reduce my hours somewhat. This enabled me to work four days a week until recently and the benefit of my long experience wasn’t lost. In fact I’ve got a slightly different job in the same sector starting in September but for two days a week or so, and which relies rather heavily on experience. Now if thought was given to easing people towards retirement in this way, perhaps with pensions introduced on a sliding scale depending on earnings, I think everyone would benefit. Staying in some sort of work can contribute to health and happiness for many.

@borntobequiet yes the lack of planning is mind boggling & I expect the NHS won't be free for all at the point of care either at that point. As you say we need transition.

When you say you expect her to be involved, what involvement do you mean? If she just doesn’t seem to ever want to get to know your DC, that would be disappointing and sad. But if you’re expecting regular childcare while you go to work, that’s a massively unreasonable expectation. She is retired and should be free to say she will not make any regular commitments to be a childminder. There are often threads on here with people thinking that because someone is retired they should somehow want to make a regular commitment to look after grandchildren all week. I can’t think of a worse way to spend retirement, looking after small kids is hard work even as a younger parent never mind post retirement.

[quote flingaling77]@Thenose he has now turned a corner but we would have screaming throwing hitting and hair pulling for a lot of the day. He didn't have the understanding or language to communicate. On the days when he was very difficult, it would cause a lot of strain in the household. He hasn't had a bad day for 3 weeks or so and our house is noticeably calmer. I had never experienced such behaviour with my daughter but friends and my mum have stated how difficult he was. She told me "I have no advice as I never had to deal with behaviour like that" (I understand why that in part makes her reluctant) It is easy to judge (as I probably would have after my well behaved daughter!)[/quote]
In the nicest way possible, I think you need to accept the reality that it would be a bit much to expect anyone to WANT to provide childcare under these circumstances. It might change as his behaviour improves.

I know 68 isn’t considered old now, but as a GM who was 67 when the first arrived, and who did regular childcare for some time, , I’d have thought that looking after a 3 year old with behaviour issues could be extremely tiring for a lone parent - a bit different if there were 2 of them.

Dh and I usually did the regular childcare together, and that was fine, but I did find it considerably more tiring when I did it on my own.

I do understand why you’re disappointed, OP, but I think it can be hard for parents to realise how much more tiring young children can be when you’re older, than when you had your own.

Hi op,can also understand your dismay.
Instead of one day a fortnight,what about half a day a week to give you a more regular break?
I do wonder if your dm worried that if she starts caring for them she will be called on more and more?
Have a sit down chat,just the two of you,go out for a coffee and talk it through,undisturbed by little ears.
You mention moving closer to pil,would they be as hands on if you were on their doorstep?
Think ahead too.
Good luck.💐