To expect my mum to help with her grandchildren?

[flingaling77]

My mum is 68 years old and quite well. She lives a few minutes down the road. She is retired and on her own since my dad died. During covid she stepped back and refused to be part of our bubble at times. We have a 6yo daughter and a 3 yo son. My son has a speech delay and has behaviour issues. My husband and I found lockdown very tough and argued frequently. We considered splitting up due to the strain of his behaviour and the need for constant supervision. His parents live in Cornwall which is 6 hours away from us. They are older but amazing and so hands on. I feel closer to them than my mum really. We chose to live near my mum to support her but we get little help. She makes us feel guilty and is reluctant. She blames lack of confidence but she has made it clear that she wouldn't like to do a lot of childcare like some of her friends. She has said she would have my son for 1 day a fortnight only while I work. I feel hard done by as most of my friends get more help than us. AIBU to expect my mum to want to help with the kids?

I love my grandchildren and see them a lot. I take them out to the park, have them at my house for tea, the occasional sleepover, more frequent babysitting, will help in an emergency but I categorically do not have the energy or inclination to do regular, all day childcare.
I'm 67and I've done my time as a full time mother.
Not my kids not my problem!

I think you underestimate how hard it is for your Mum to have them at 68

Once a fortnight is plenty. It’s not like she’s refusing to have them at all!

OP, there are two of you, and one of her. And she's twice your age. Yet you expect her to look after her two children, one with SEN.on her own more than once a month?

I only have one GC, she's very easy as toddlers go, but I'm absolutely exhausted when she leaves when I have her for the day (I'm widowed and just a couple of years younger than your DM). If I had someone to take over for half an hour or so, or other adult company, it might be a bit different. Or maybe there'd just be two of us exhausted!

I hope you remember thinking this way when you're 67, and have the decency to blush with embarrassment.

She already raised you. Lots of us manage with no support, that’s just how it is. Unless you sat your mum down when you decided to try for a baby and involved her in that decision then it’s not her job to provide childcare for you.

Speakout, I could have written your post.

It is hard when you look around and see what you could be missing. But sometimes there is a lot of interference and expectations in return, so you don't always see the full picture.

It is true that some grandparents feel they have done 'their time' bringing up their own children but quite often these grandparents weren't the best at parenting/didn't enjoy being a parent/didn't have support themselves. Balance is required because children can be exhausting (I'm an older parent) and some grandparents appear to be dumped upon by their offspring i.e. some grandparents I know are providing several hours of childcare a week for very young children.

In your situation op and from the impression you give about not feeling too close to your mother (childcare aside), I wouldn't rule out a possible move if you feel it will improve your lives on different levels (but I guess you need to look at the whole picture and not just the childcare aspect). Don't stay out of guilt. It works both ways. You have a sibling in the picture. If your mother was so inclined, she could move to be nearer her or you (if you move).

I am the same age as your Mum and I am also widowed, following a few years of my husband being ill.
I am wondering if she shows any interest in your children and whether she interacts with them when you are there.
If she ignores them I can understand you feeling upset.
I have grandchildren ranging in age from teenagers to a baby. I love them all but I am now beginning to find that I have less stamina than I had in my late 50s.

I would want to support my children if they were struggling with a three year old with special needs but, to be honest, I don't think I could physically do it for more than a few hours. I look fit and people I meet think I'm a bit younger than I am but I know how I feel.
I am sorry you are having such a hard time but I think YABU if you expect your Mum to regularly have the children on her own. Like your Mum I could push myself to do the occasional day but no more.
On the other hand, if she shows no interest at all then YANBU.
I feel sorry for your situation OP but I don't think you are showing much understanding towards your mother.

I love my grandchildren and see them a lot. I take them out to the park, have them at my house for tea, the occasional sleepover, more frequent babysitting, will help in an emergency

This sounds about right to me.

Do you think it is your son's behavioural issues that is making your DM reluctant to help more, although 1 day a fortnight is more than we ever had, but we moved away and parents were spread over the country anyway? Your in-laws may feel more confident to help, especially if there are 2 of them

I have no recollection of my GP’s. They, obviously, had no interest in making a relationship with me and my siblings. What I never had I don’t miss.

I have DC, that I gave birth to, DC I have adopted and DC that are my stepchildren. Between them I have been blessed with 9 GC. I adore them all. I work 4 full days a week and make time for GC that live closest to me. I see those at some point over the 3 days a week I am not working. Those that live furthest away I see once/twice a year.

Whenever possible I will, willingly, have some of my GC for a day, overnight, weekend/ special occasions. However, as a GP I am under no obligation to care for them on a regular basis.

You say you live near your mum to help her out. Yet it seems you expect mum to help you out with childcare. If you really think it would be beneficial to move nearer to your in laws for help then do it. But don’t move with great expectations. GC are a joy to most GP’s. Not all GP’s want to feel obliged to care for them on a regular basis.

Wishing you well 💐

@Robertslane thank you. We seem to have it about right!

Shes lost your dad,was she his carer? By your own admission your son is hardwork my youngest was, I never expected childcare off my parents.

She’s got absolutely no obligation at all to provide childcare except when she wants to and when it suits her, even if she is your mum, so yes YABU to feel she’s letting you down. Anything at all that she offers is something to be grateful for rather than focusing on what she doesn’t do IMO.

A day's free child care once a fortnight is something, op. Who knows, she might find she likes it and wants to do more but you can't depend on that happening.

Your mother is not obliged to look after your children. It is a huge responsibility and not everyone feels up to it. It's one thing to babysit occasionally but quite another to take on a regular commitment while you work.

Don't let your mum's reluctance drive a wedge between you.

My mother and my in laws helped me with child care when I went back to work but I never took them for granted.

I hope you sort out something satisfactory.

Just wondering if you DM suffers from anxiety (even if you don’t know it). My DSis finds looking after her grandson really difficult as she worries something bad will happen whilst they are in her care.
It’s also exhausting.

Can I just say that those saying persons in 60's and above are too tired etc. Well what is everyone's opinion on the Government expecting our generation to work well into our 70's. How is this going to work out. Reading these posts about how tired you are telling me I'm going to be at that age is scaring me as I'm going to have to work full time no chance of retirement.

If your 3 year old needs extra care she may feel she cant cope with both of the children.

Of course it would be lovely to have help but you are being very unreasonable to expect it. Once a fortnight is much more than many!

My sister thinks like you, she lives close to my mum and she's always expecting my mum to babysit. She also has a DS who is really hard work. My mums really doesn't enjoy looking after him and is run ragged. When she tries to take a step back my sister gives her a guilt trip. I think it's very selfish.

@Jessica60

Can I just say that those saying persons in 60's and above are too tired etc. Well what is everyone's opinion on the Government expecting our generation to work well into our 70's. How is this going to work out. Reading these posts about how tired you are telling me I'm going to be at that age is scaring me as I'm going to have to work full time no chance of retirement.

Working in a job isn't quite the same. In a job you'll get breaks in the day and holidays. If you provide constant care for your GC, there are no breaks or wages at the end of the month. And children are more tiring the older you are. I had two in my 20s and had plenty of energy, had my last baby at 40 and am constantly exhausted. I really don't think work is the same as caring for GC.

My parents are not interested. I had a great childhood and they did so much for us but now they are not interested in doing anything with the grandchildren. They have been there and done that. I do find it hard to understand. They were such great parents but apparently it was so full on that they don't want anything to do with children anymore. OP it is really hard because it is their choice, but it has affected my relationship with my parents because the extension of me now is my children but they really only want to see me and my brother without the grandchildren!!!

@Jessica60 young parents find children tiring. Working a 9-5 office job in your 60’s is not comparable to being in sole charge of young children with/out additional needs.

Yabu- my daughter is nearly 4 and have had 3 days of child care in that time from family. Pay for it.

YABU they’re not her kids

Jessica60 I retired at 62.
My thoughts on the government expecting the next generation to work until 70 are that those who aren't dead will be knackered.
They will save a lot of money as people fall off their perches at work.
It does depend what your job is though. I would find looking after a 3 year old with special needs more tiring than a less physically active desk job.

So surprised by the number of comments on here saying that you are being unreasonable.
I don't think it's unreasonable to expect grandparents to help out with children. Where I live grandparents all help out with raising children. My grandparents looked after me while my parents worked, and the same for my husband, and now our parents help us out (although not as much as their parents did for them).
Likewise, I expect to have to look after our parents as they get older.
I think it's very sad that she doesn't want to be involved.
I would consider moving closer to your husband's parents.

I see other people have cross posted. At 70 I still enjoy bashing out a report, interviewing people etc. It's the physical demands I find exhausting. I couldn't be a nurse on a ward all day for example. I couldforce myself for a few days but I couldn't keep it up.