To expect my mum to help with her grandchildren?

[flingaling77]

My mum is 68 years old and quite well. She lives a few minutes down the road. She is retired and on her own since my dad died. During covid she stepped back and refused to be part of our bubble at times. We have a 6yo daughter and a 3 yo son. My son has a speech delay and has behaviour issues. My husband and I found lockdown very tough and argued frequently. We considered splitting up due to the strain of his behaviour and the need for constant supervision. His parents live in Cornwall which is 6 hours away from us. They are older but amazing and so hands on. I feel closer to them than my mum really. We chose to live near my mum to support her but we get little help. She makes us feel guilty and is reluctant. She blames lack of confidence but she has made it clear that she wouldn't like to do a lot of childcare like some of her friends. She has said she would have my son for 1 day a fortnight only while I work. I feel hard done by as most of my friends get more help than us. AIBU to expect my mum to want to help with the kids?

A challenging three year old would be tricky for a lot of older people. If you find him hard, imagine how she’ll find him.

You choose to have kids, you look after them. No one owes you anything.

@bungabungaboo my parents sound the same as yours. Infact my youngest doesn't really know my parents as she's seen so little of them and she is 6

Your decision to have the kids, not your mothers. You should have thought about caring arrangements before having them. You only get one mom in life, look after her and respect her like she did you.

Apologies for my 2nd comment. That should have quoted a comment from another poster. Wasn't aimed at you OP. Will ask MN to remove it xx

Actually, I think that when you decide to have children, you take the risk of having grandchildren as part of that. Nobody should expect granny and grandad to do more than they're able for BUT I think it's totally fine to expect them to be active grandparents to their grandchildren. Part of that is minding them sometimes and being supportive of their own child as a parent.

Not a popular view on Mumsnet but I accept that when I had children, I made a committment to live and support them always, and their children, if they have them, is part of that committment I made when bringing them into this world.

How cold and unloving do you have to be to wash your hands of your child when they are going through parenting. 😳

I don't understand why people have children then expect their parents to look after them.

I think some people just expect their parents to help out & often the behaviour is modelled by previous generations. I spent lots of time with my granny & had a good relationship so of course I assumed it would be similar for my dc.

As I already said , I willingly provide childcare for my DGC ( at nearly 68) and I don’t understand the majority of these responses . Virtually all of my Granny friends help out with regular childcare ; only on MN is this seen as unreasonable!

@Imcatmum you sound lovely & normal!

You live near your mum to support her, but you expect her to support you?? Yabu.

@Imcatmum

Actually, I think that when you decide to have children, you take the risk of having grandchildren as part of that. Nobody should expect granny and grandad to do more than they're able for BUT I think it's totally fine to expect them to be active grandparents to their grandchildren. Part of that is minding them sometimes and being supportive of their own child as a parent.

Not a popular view on Mumsnet but I accept that when I had children, I made a committment to live and support them always, and their children, if they have them, is part of that committment I made when bringing them into this world.

How cold and unloving do you have to be to wash your hands of your child when they are going through parenting. 😳

Totally agree. Such a loving way to view things xx

@Oldbutstillgotit exactly I don't get it.

One of mine was with my mil for 2 days this week, it's completely normal.

Here's a novel idea....... maybe look after your own children!

She has said she would have my son for 1 day a fortnight only

You sound entitled, and very ungrateful.

Did you consult your mother before having children so that she was aware of what the ask of her would be?

I can empathise- my son was/is a handful especially when he was smaller due to his numerous additional needs including a speech delay, my mum is terrible with my kids and kids in general, and my dad is incapable of having them due to his health problems. But you said in your OP that the strain of taking care of your kids over lockdown nearly broke your relationship with your partner. Yet you expect your mum who is a very reluctant babysitter to be more hands on. That’s not fair on her or your children. It doesn’t really matter what your mum’s reasons are or how “capable” and fit and healthy she is for her age. It doesn’t sound like she feels capable of looking after your children for whatever reason. Maybe she’ll change her mind about that when they get a bit older, maybe she won’t. But she’s not done anything wrong here.

Here's a novel idea....... maybe look after your own children!

How does having help = not looking after your own children?

Reminds me of those batshit posters who would come on the school closure threads & say to parents juggling work & childcare "don't have kids if you can't look after them" wtf!!

Your child your responsibility. You should of thought about childcare issues before considering children.

YABVU

My DD started a new job and needed childcare for a couple of weeks.
3 of them under the age of 7 and 1 had behavioural issues.
First couple of days were ok but then she would leave earlier and not come back until sometimes midnight. So I was watching them 12 - 14 hours a day every day.

Needless to say things went downhill fast and I was beyond exhausted. I ended up injuring my back. She got so angry and cursed at me saying I didn't want to be around my own gc.

That was the final straw. I won't ever babysit again. I love them dearly but I won't be taken advantage of like that again.

I think 1 day a fortnight is quite a lot of childcare, maybe I'm strange. We get nothing at all. PiLs are overseas and my parents are elderly. We have our first evenings babysitting booked with a family member for 3 years next month. So to me a day a fortnight sounds amazing!

I also wonder how a 68 year old will deal with a 3 year old who is so challenging behaviourwise its causing marital problems.

It's been a really tough year so I get why you feel like you do but I'm afraid I think YABU.

Your mum isn't far off 70. Looking after young children at that age is going to be tiring and one day a fortnight is more than I get.
You say you didn't chose to live near your mum for childcare but are considering moving closer to your ILs so they can look after the kids. Be honest, did you expect your mum to have the kids on a regular basis? Is that why you live so close, rather than moving close to support her?
It doesn't really matter though. Your mum will do one day a fortnight. It doesn't mean she doesn't love you or your children. Perhaps she just wants to see all of you so she feels part of your family rather than being seen as free childcare.
At least she doesn't refuse to have your children but happily looks after your sisters (had this from both my parents and MIL so guess how shit I feel. However my kids do still have a brilliant relationship with their grandparents so lack of childcare doesn't equal lack of love).

Grandparents aren’t your help or your childcare and I think expecting it is wrong.

Totally different if they offer, they don’t feel like they must provide it, and they want to provide/help you with childcare. They’ve done their child raising and it’s unfair to expect them to do it for you.

My parents moved abroad when my son was born so I guess that’s one way of opting out but my mum was quite young for a grandma so still working & wouldn’t have provided it if she was here anyway. They now just have a lovely grandparent/grandchildren relationship with the kids and that’s fine. My youngest has many challenges but like many others I deal with them alone and it’s very hard but you do learn to cope without that help, if it’s never been there you can’t really miss it.

YANBU OP. I don't understand why some parents are happy to watch their adult children and their grandchildren struggle in life when they are able to help them.

@RantyAunty

YABVU

My DD started a new job and needed childcare for a couple of weeks.
3 of them under the age of 7 and 1 had behavioural issues.
First couple of days were ok but then she would leave earlier and not come back until sometimes midnight. So I was watching them 12 - 14 hours a day every day.

Needless to say things went downhill fast and I was beyond exhausted. I ended up injuring my back. She got so angry and cursed at me saying I didn't want to be around my own gc.

That was the final straw. I won't ever babysit again. I love them dearly but I won't be taken advantage of like that again.

I could never imagine treating my mum like that. My mum would kill herself trying to help me every way she can and I would kill myself trying to get her to look after herself first and foremost, to rest, to only do what she enjoys.

I would move closer to your in-laws if you think you will receive support from them and phone your Mum very regularly.

It would be nice if your Mum would help out with childcare but of course it is her decision.

You have to do what is best for you and your family.

Your Mum could of course come and stay with you if you did move.

You admit that it is tough for you and your husband to cope, your mum has said that she will have them so you can work. It sounds as if she is helping, so I think you are being ungrateful.

Your mum brought up her kids. Now it's your turn.