To expect my mum to help with her grandchildren?

[flingaling77]

My mum is 68 years old and quite well. She lives a few minutes down the road. She is retired and on her own since my dad died. During covid she stepped back and refused to be part of our bubble at times. We have a 6yo daughter and a 3 yo son. My son has a speech delay and has behaviour issues. My husband and I found lockdown very tough and argued frequently. We considered splitting up due to the strain of his behaviour and the need for constant supervision. His parents live in Cornwall which is 6 hours away from us. They are older but amazing and so hands on. I feel closer to them than my mum really. We chose to live near my mum to support her but we get little help. She makes us feel guilty and is reluctant. She blames lack of confidence but she has made it clear that she wouldn't like to do a lot of childcare like some of her friends. She has said she would have my son for 1 day a fortnight only while I work. I feel hard done by as most of my friends get more help than us. AIBU to expect my mum to want to help with the kids?

So just like the OP had children then so should be doing the caring herself…..

Yes , the MN logic works both ways

@bargelights

If I were 68 years old and widowed, I think I might be reluctant to provide regular childcare for a 3-year-old with behavioural issues. Taking care of a child with additional needs is exhausting for two parents, as you know. Imagine how much more difficult it could be for an older person on her own.

Your mother has offered to care for your son once a fortnight. That sounds very generous of her IMO. I would be grateful for that help, rather than expecting more.

This is absolutely correct

You are being VERY unreasonable and entitled, OP.

I also think you're projecting. You've chosen to be near your mum to help her. You expect the same in return. Did she ask you to move near to her , to help her?

If you want parental help above everything , move to Cornwall. Don't mess around telling everyone you feel too guilty to move. Thats just manipulation

I've just had a wee look & what is absolutely fascinating is that loads of people saying YABU and that the op should be parenting her own kids & the DG is not obliged to help are exactly the same posters that gave a woman a really hard time on here recently for considering emigrating as she would be leaving elderly parents.
Such hypocrisy!!

I love my grandkids dearly but I didn’t want to be lumbered with a lot of childcare. I’ve done my bit, with my own kids, and it’s “me” time now.

DH (their step grandfather) and I have our own hobbies and interests.

Thankfully, they are all teenagers now and don’t require a babysitter.

You chose to move nearer to her-I don't get the impression she asked you to.

In fairness. Many mothers didn't work at the time. My mum is retired.

What time ?
I'm in my mid 50s and expect the dp is closer to the age of my dc. I've always worked OTH.
If my Mum were still with us, she would be 90 and she always WOTH.

Yes, this is anecdotal, but so is your claim. People (all of us) tend to know 'people like us'. So, growing up, it was very common / normal for my friends' parents to work, and my parents' friends to work. This idea that it is only the current generation that work outside the home, is poppycock.

Am also not sure where some posters are getting the idea that Grandparents "don't want to spend time with their dgc" or won't babysit or won't help out their dc. There are about two posters who might have said that - and that is a shame. Overwhelmingly posters have been saying they don't want to take up a new career as childminders in their retirement. I think that is a completely different matter from 'not being around / involved / willing to help their dc. That is absolutely right and reasonable.

Unfortunately you can't expect anything, but out of the four gp's my children have, only one helps me on a regular basis and the others have never really helped, so when it is their turn to depend on us, it will be my mother who is prioritised. Not just because of childcare (to be fair as I WFH I still change the nappies and make the tea!)but I just think through her whole life she has been great to us and the kids, and our other parents less so.

Funnily enough, she is the most busy out of all of them, she still works, runs her own house and has to help her own mother. The others don't have parents and never really cared much for them, don't really take full responsibility for themselves, so in general I feel my mother is more deserving.

If you shouldn't expect childcare from your mother, then it does go both ways, and I don't think you owe your mother anything if you want to move away. You can't let it keep you living somewhere that isn't right for you and your family. You said she made you feel guilty and was reluctant? Living near more involved grandparents would be much better for your kids, than one who isn't really interested in them and acts like they are a burden.

@beachcitygirl

I've just had a wee look & what is absolutely fascinating is that loads of people saying YABU and that the op should be parenting her own kids & the DG is not obliged to help are exactly the same posters that gave a woman a really hard time on here recently for considering emigrating as she would be leaving elderly parents. Such hypocrisy!!

That's a really interesting observation. It does go both ways doesn't it? You shouldn't have kids for the purpose of expecting them to care for you in old age either, especially when you have not shown any interesting their lives or their grandchildren.

I really loath this MN-centric trope of 'no childcare, no help for older parents', it's pathetic. Being a grandparent doesn't mean that you want to relive your parenting days again and that's what childcare is... you're looking after children again.

Grandparents should be able to do things with their grandchildren in that capacity, not make up shortfalls in childcare. I will (hopefully) be a doting grandparent if and when that happens but I won't be 'drafted in' in a quasi-parental role.

OP... you mention that your parents in law are hands-on, but you really don't know how they would be as a more regular requirement - or even if they'd be up for that. You and your husband really need to start focusing on your relationship and re-building it. That's what your children need, TWO parents, backing each other up.

Also - and I'm sorry to say this - but if you don't and you become an 'ex', those PIL may not be so obliging. I've seen this before and understand it - why would they be? You and your husband are a unit and a priority for attention.

Why does grandparenting = childcare to so many posters here? Can there not be just, you know, being a grandparent without them having to 'clock in' for parenting?

Is it of less value if a grandparent cannot do childcare but loves and wants to spend time with their grandchild(ren), just not on a scheduled basis?

We moved close to my parents 10 years ago.............my father was in poor health and one of my dc has special needs. It has been a mutually beneficial move.............we live 10 doors away and I am on hand to support them, mum and dad have both had falls / broken bones over the years and I can drop the kids there if I have an appointment.
I would feel very hurt if they expected support from me without offering any in return.

UnamiMammy that's what I'd expect to if I were a grandparent, to be able to have the grandchildren if needed for appointments for the parents and so on - and to have some proper scheduled time to take them out - but NOT as part of regular childcare. That's the difference.

What you describe in your family sounds mutually supportive and beneficial for all of you.

YABU!!! You chose to have kids, why is it up to other people to look after them?? Yes it's nice if they want to but certainly shouldn't just expect it! You sound very entitled to me

I think, when hitting middle age, people should start making contingency plans to help support them in old age, if they need help or care (I’m here now). Put money away, so that you can get proper help without your kids or social services having to get involved.

Expect? YABU to expect it. She raised you. My DM would like to have my DS nearly 10 for the day, but as she's in her 70s and he has ADHD, I feel like it would be too much for her. DS 30 lives with her but has cystic fibrosis and honestly I think his little brother would be too much for him for a whole day too.

You can't expect anything but equally I would say your mum's behaviour is pretty disappointing when she can see you are struggling at the moment. I would want to help my child.

@speakout

It just doesnt happen sometimes though OP. My mother is the only living grandparent of my children- she has provided no significant childcare- maybe looking after one child for half an hour while I nip to the shops, but no care while I work, no baby sitting,, not once, never looked after both children at the same time. It is just reality. My kids are in their early 20s now and as much as my mother would like to be taken on days out by them there is no great relationship. What goes around comes around.

Newsflash: most grandchildren don't do much taking their grandparents on days out, regardless of the childcare offered in the past.

When most posters say grandparents what they actually mean is the grandmother. I have never seen a thread complaining that grandfather doesn’t give over his retirement to give pretty much full time childcare. But then it is always the woman who is expected to take on caring responsibilities over the child’s own father and grandfathers.

My mum died when I was a child. When I had children, it was just me most of the time. My father still worked full time and wasn’t keen on babies! In-laws lived abroad. Husband worked 12 hours a day.
It was very hard, but also sometimes it’s easier knowing you’re in it on your own and you just get on with it. Perhaps you need to change perspective and do what’s best for you, even if that means moving to Cornwall. Good luck!

Your kids, not hers - she doesn't have to spend a minute with them.

Mine doesn't bother. She just said "I've done my time" and sees my kids maybe twice a year for a few minutes and asks a couple of perfunctory, awkward questions. She has a Candy Crush addiction to return to.

But nope, you can't expect anyone to give up their time for your children. In turn, though, I don't have any time for her - she keeps to herself, and I do too.

You wanted children so up to you to look after them. My mum and dad were the same to be honest, probably babysat twice and always made me feel guilty for asking. At the end of the day they aren’t obliged to look after your children.

YABU but I totally understand understand how you feel. My parents have also had nothing to do with their grandchildren, my MIL has chosen to look after them in holidays, travelled a long, long way for us to have the odd night out, even stayed a weekend so we could go to a wedding. My sadness is more that they've chosen to have nothing to do with them, there is a polite connection for them being grandparents but they literally know nothing about them. They have a fabulous relationship with my MIL. It's so sad what they've missed out on. But it was their choice. And although I've found it very hard over the years, have barely been out with my partner, I know now that it is them that have missed out. And now they are in their eighties, they know it too. There are a world of regrets but it was their choice.

Yu say yourself that your ds is very difficult for you and your dh to cope with,Yet your dm is nearing 70and you expect that lady to do so. A full day a fortnight is a lot especially when the child needs constant supervision and has behavioral issues. I am only in my early 50s but my energy levels are much lower than when my kids were that age

I actually sympathise with you this OP. Having a child with behavioural is by no means easy & you probably need all the support you can get.
I’m really lucky as my mother is incredibly close to all 7 of her grandchildren & is very hands on & she still works. They all have a great relationship & think it’s a shame your mum doesn’t want to foster that with her grandchildren. It may be something she regrets in the future. Each to their own though.

I completely understand but if she doesn’t want to she doesn’t have to. My parents have my kids once in a blue moon - literally they took them last weekend for the first time in 2 years - whilst looking after my nephew weekly or more. My mum will even ask me to help her look after my nephew (so also bringing my 2kids along so I end up with all 3).