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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect my mum to help with her grandchildren?

470 replies

flingaling77 · 06/08/2021 20:12

My mum is 68 years old and quite well. She lives a few minutes down the road. She is retired and on her own since my dad died. During covid she stepped back and refused to be part of our bubble at times. We have a 6yo daughter and a 3 yo son. My son has a speech delay and has behaviour issues. My husband and I found lockdown very tough and argued frequently. We considered splitting up due to the strain of his behaviour and the need for constant supervision. His parents live in Cornwall which is 6 hours away from us. They are older but amazing and so hands on. I feel closer to them than my mum really. We chose to live near my mum to support her but we get little help. She makes us feel guilty and is reluctant. She blames lack of confidence but she has made it clear that she wouldn't like to do a lot of childcare like some of her friends. She has said she would have my son for 1 day a fortnight only while I work. I feel hard done by as most of my friends get more help than us. AIBU to expect my mum to want to help with the kids?

OP posts:

dottydodah · 07/08/2021 11:16

I spent about half my childhood with my DGM! Mum worked and I spent holidays /WE with my DGP. Cannot understand your Mums attitude TBH. I would seriously consider a move to Cornwall! If she is expecting help from you as she ages ,it has to be a 2 way street .She needs to step up .Many people emigrate each year! Doesnt mean you cannot see your Mum anyway .Still in UK!

PostMenWithACat · 07/08/2021 11:32

Similar to dottydohdah I too spent half my childhood with my grandparents who had a very positive impact on my childhood and wellbeing. However, I was very similar to my Grandmother in a way my mother wasn't and grandma was 47 when I was born. Compared to my mother and MIL who were almost 60 when ds was born and lived far too far away and as my mother had never been a hands in parent she was hardly going to be a hands on grandparent.

StrangeToSee · 07/08/2021 11:45

Maybe she’s had enough of looking after kids and just wants a quiet, calm life now. Many grandparents are like this.

I’d move closer to the other grandparents if you can.

Or pay for help; nursery, wraparound care, holiday clubs, a daytime nanny or childminder.

Many many people have parents who don’t like looking after the grandchildren alone. Could be the responsibility that worries her, or maybe she just doesn’t want to.

RhonaRed · 07/08/2021 11:52

Ages and abilities of the average gps are a big issue with the changing attitudes to caring for grandkids.

Plus what used to be acceptable in
"looking after" kids is now considered borderline neglect! The six year old would often be doing quite a bit for a start..

My grandma was in her late 40s when first gc arrived. Yet by the time I arrived and was being sent over in the summer 15 years later she could no longer manage us day in day out for a week.
By 68 her days were done and she was a doting great grandmother with no responsibility.

fourminutestosavetheworld · 07/08/2021 11:55

@dottydodah

Did you have behavioural needs that even your parents were struggling to cope with, and which had stretched their marriage to breaking point? Did you go from age 3? Was your gm living alone and almost 70?

RhonaRed · 07/08/2021 11:55

Should be 10 years later. She would have been late 50s when we younger ones were around harassing her!

PostMenWithACat · 07/08/2021 12:01

Well yes @RhodaRed, if my grandma had someone stop by for tea and a grown up chat, I was sent outside to play.

Octopus37 · 07/08/2021 12:09

I feel your pain OP but tbh I think YABU, once a fortnight is quite a lot. When my kids were young ,we had my MIL near (FIL had died (they were divorced long ago) before the kids as had my Mum), she was able to help in a limited way which we appreciated, not regularly though and she didn't help me with childcare so I could work, I worked for myself and did it when the kids were in nursery/school or had to take them with me. She actually said to me that if I had gone back to work, I would have gone down in my estimations, she did have some quite strong opinions. . My boys did have a special relationship with her, sadly she died when they were 7 and 5. My Dad is 200 miles away and had taken up with someone new who didn't want to be part of the family. He helped me financially from time to time which I appreciated, but no support with the boys and he hasn't had a relationship with them. Now he is old, his partner has dementia and is in a home. He is living in sheltered accommodation near my Sister, had two 5 week stints of staying with us recently, hard cause my boys wouldn't talk to him. He nearly died four weeks ago (liver aneuryism) and my boys were actually upset. Hoping we are starting to turn things round before its too late.

Difficult, I've done what I can to support him but very hard to let go of resentment, especially when like you I have seen loads of people wih support. TBH I dont know how I'd feel about helping out with Grandchildren regularly myself, firstly will probably still be working cause only have a very small pension, but secondly the idea of looking after young kids again doesn't appeal at all at the moment, I am 46 and perimenopausal though with a teenager and a pre-teen. However, I do expect to feel differently 10 or 15 years down the line and will also feel a moral duty to help out to an extent cause I know what its like to have hardly any help. I might even soften and like young kids again and cope with more mess, who knows. If I was you, I might consider moving closer to your MIL's, but I can see why you would feel bad leaving your Mum.

EezyOozy · 07/08/2021 12:09

If she is expecting help from you as she ages ,it has to be a 2 way street

Yes, I totally agree with this.

AuntieMarys · 07/08/2021 12:13

We are early 60s. Dh has young grandchildren....we don't do childcare. We have had one of the children for a few hours on a couple of occasions but not the youngest one.
We see them as a family about every 2-3 months, take them out for lunch and have supported them financially. Works for us.

DelphiniumTea · 07/08/2021 12:13

I was never left with/looked after by any of my Gps but would still say I was close to them

Agree. So many people seem to think if there is no childcare provided then there is no relationship. So not true. My children never spent any time alone with their grandparents, but saw them regularly. I took my children to see them often and they had a great relationship with all of them. It's not all about childcare.

fourminutestosavetheworld · 07/08/2021 12:23

" If she is expecting help from you as she ages ,it has to be a 2 way street

Yes, I totally agree with this."

I think this is quite cruel actually.

She lacks experience and confidence to regularly care for a 3yo with additional needs for whole days at a time, but will do so for one day every fortnight.

In retaliation, feeling that this simply isn't good enough, you'd, what, refuse to pick up a prescription or change a lightbulb?

Presumably she raised her own children adequately so does that not equalise the transaction a little?

Whoopsies · 07/08/2021 12:26

We get zero grandparent help. My parents live too far away and my in laws simple don't want to. I am sad that they don't wish to have an active relationship with their grandchildren, but at the end of the day they are our kids so not their responsibility. Literally everyone I know has hands on grandparents living near by so it is hard that we don't, but we make do.

EezyOozy · 07/08/2021 12:28

Presumably she raised her own children adequately so does that not equalise the transaction a little?

No I don't think so, she chose to have her children and was obligated to care for them.

fourminutestosavetheworld · 07/08/2021 12:30

"No I don't think so, she chose to have her children and was obligated to care for them."

So op should withdraw support because a full day of childcare every fortnight isn't enough?

You do know she's on her own, pushing 70 and worried about her abilities to look after a challenging 3yo with behavioural challenges that even his parents struggle to cope with?

Piglet89 · 07/08/2021 12:31

@boomwhacker good post; we’re in a similar situation.

PrincessNutella · 07/08/2021 12:31

Under other circumstances I might say that she doesn't owe you anything, but considering that you moved there to help your dad, and you are there to be supportive of her, I think you might have reason to feel sad about it. I do not really see why you need to stay where you are. You can live your own lives, I think, and if your mother needs help, you can move her to where you are, or get her in a home where she lives. It was probably more difficult when you had your dad, because he couldn't leave the area since your mother was already there.

MrsKJones · 07/08/2021 12:32

I'm afraid YABU OP. Grandparent help is lovely but not to be expected/relied upon.

Someone I know regularly moans that they get no time alone with their partner as they have 2 young children. They seem to forget that their parents have the children regularly during the day so her partner could easily book the day off work and they could have a day together without the kids. They chose to have two children and those first 10 years or so are a bitch when DC need lots of attention & can't be left alone etc. Our DC are older so we are starting to reap the benefits and can leave them on their own for an hour or so while we go shopping etc

LongTimeMammaBear · 07/08/2021 12:38

I came from a family that had a lot of help from grandparents. My mum grew up with her grandmother living with them and who cared for my mum full time while her patents worked. I had great amount of time with my own grandmother.

But it all families are like this. My own in laws watched my children twice in their lives and that was with the help of our au pair.

Add to your situation, your DC. was so difficult that you snd your DH contemplated separating from the stress of caring for him. So how do you think your mother would cope with giving you more of her time. I’m very sorry to say, but if you and your dh can’t cope why do you think your DM could?

As for moving to Cornwall for more support, tell your mother your contemplating the mi e and why. Then it’s up to her to relocate too. No guilt on your part because it would be her choice to relocate or not. It is not as though you’re emigrating

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 07/08/2021 12:51

No I don't think so, she chose to have her children and was obligated to care for them

So just like the OP had children then so should be doing the caring herself…..

saraclara · 07/08/2021 12:52

I spent a lot of time with my GP s too. But like most women in the 50s, my mum had me on her early 20s, as had her mother. Grandparents were in their 40s, but their 60s as many are now.

I'm 65, healthy, independent, I backpack around the world in normal times, and I'm probably more fit and agile than many. But looking after a toddler all day is still more exhausting than I expected, and I'm glad I only do the odd day here and there.

Lots of new mums will say that being a FT mum is harder than going to work. So why are people saying that providing childcare for GCs should be a doddle for us in our mid 60s? And that's without factoring in additional needs and behaviour issues.

saraclara · 07/08/2021 12:53

Ugh. "NOT their 60s..."

comingintomyown · 07/08/2021 13:06

I find it amazing how judged GP are on here unless they are offering up considerable amounts of their time to look after their GC. I also disagree with those saying how “sad” it is when they aren’t as involved as people think they should be.
The fact you are a GP doesn’t alter the fact you are a person in your own right with responsibilities, hobbies and basically your own life to live after having brought up your own children and likely have worked as well. Why is there this idea that you then owe your DC and that it is so sad if you would rather be living your life and having involvement but not a week in week out commitment.
Personally I think once a fortnight is a fair and perfectly acceptable amount of time to expect your DM to be looking after your young DC.

beachcitygirl · 07/08/2021 13:08

I think it depends if your mum gives support to you in other ways, ie comes around and helps, comes on days out to help.
It depends on what type of support you give her. If she's not the picture of health then yabu if she takes from you and doesn't help then yanbu

If you want help & support & an hour here and there to have a coffee to help your marriage or an extra pair of hands. Then she should be helping
But if you want regular childcare and babysitting then that's just not on.

riromay · 07/08/2021 13:33

No expectations for child care and no expectations for help in her old age 🤷‍♀️

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