To expect my mum to help with her grandchildren?

[flingaling77]

My mum is 68 years old and quite well. She lives a few minutes down the road. She is retired and on her own since my dad died. During covid she stepped back and refused to be part of our bubble at times. We have a 6yo daughter and a 3 yo son. My son has a speech delay and has behaviour issues. My husband and I found lockdown very tough and argued frequently. We considered splitting up due to the strain of his behaviour and the need for constant supervision. His parents live in Cornwall which is 6 hours away from us. They are older but amazing and so hands on. I feel closer to them than my mum really. We chose to live near my mum to support her but we get little help. She makes us feel guilty and is reluctant. She blames lack of confidence but she has made it clear that she wouldn't like to do a lot of childcare like some of her friends. She has said she would have my son for 1 day a fortnight only while I work. I feel hard done by as most of my friends get more help than us. AIBU to expect my mum to want to help with the kids?

Your kids, your responsibility

Re caring for elderly parents , I don't think it's an obligation. It's nice, but not an obligation. Just as helping with grandchildren is nice , but not an obligation. I for one didn't have my children so that they could care for me in old age.

I for one didn't have my children so that they could care for me in old age

Of course you didn’t. I don’t suppose for one moment my parents did either. But, having won the jackpot in the parent lottery, and loved the bones of them, there was no way I wasn’t going to look after mine.

I commented yesterday ( as an almost 68 year old Granny who happily does regular childcare ) but I just popped back to say that I think many of these comments are quite unpleasant and will certainly not help the OP who is clearly stressed .
I cannot imagine not helping my DD with her DC . Only on MN do I encounter this” your children your responsibility “ attitude ! In my circle we ALL help our adult DC with childcare .

@Blossomtoes that's really nice . Not everybody wins the parent lottery though.

@Oldbutstillgotit If only all grandparents were like you. I certainly wish my parents were! Sadly they're just not interested.

[quote hassletassle]@Blossomtoes that's really nice . Not everybody wins the parent lottery though.[/quote]
I know that. It was a response to you saying you didn’t have children to look after you in old age. I doubt many people do.

My parents have an amazing relationship with my kids and see a lot of them. It was made very clear early on that they wouldn’t do regular childcare. They were happy to do ad hoc babysitting occasionally, including a weekend here and there, but didn’t want regular hours. I think that’s fair enough. I expect to do the same when my kids have kids.

Perhaps it the regular childcare bit, she isn’t interested in doing?

Is this a reverse?

hassletassle

@Oldbutstillgotit If only all grandparents were like you. I certainly wish my parents were! Sadly they're just not interested.

Thank you for saying that , I don’t think I am doing anything out of the ordinary!

@Oldbutstillgotit

I commented yesterday ( as an almost 68 year old Granny who happily does regular childcare ) but I just popped back to say that I think many of these comments are quite unpleasant and will certainly not help the OP who is clearly stressed . I cannot imagine not helping my DD with her DC . Only on MN do I encounter this” your children your responsibility “ attitude ! In my circle we ALL help our adult DC with childcare .

It's a nice mindset but I think it's totally natural that it becomes less and less of an appealing option when the children have significant behavioural issues.

Op, i would also be wary about how hands on , your in-laws would be if you moved to Cornwall. They live 6 hrs away so how hands on are they really now? If they lived near you before and, were hands on and then moved to Cornwall that , suggests they moved for their retirement. If they really wanted to be hands on GP they would have stayed local surely? I think you may be seeing your in laws through rose tinted glasses .

Op, i had no help from either side at all. I understand how it feels when you see others getting help and you are there juggling childcare , ft work etc. I felt sad too and bitter, especially as my mum and Mil had loads of help back in the day , as all lived near family and also we could be left home alone for hours on end at a young age , while parents worked , which was not great as the child but generally accepted in the 70's.

At the end of the day they are your children and if GP's do not want to make that sort of commitment that is their prerogative. I would not expect to move to Cornwall and have childcare on tap, i suspect that would not happen.

borntibequiet
I can assure you that 68 isn’t “young”

Born, your comment (which goes on) is all about you and your health problems. This thread isn't about you. It's about OPs DM who she says herself is in fine health. 68 is not old these days, most 68 year olds aren't frail, even proactive nurses in GP surgeries are classing "older person" targeted frailty support to over 75s and over 85s.

OP doesn't have to stay near her DM incase she's needed on the basis of her mums age, she & DH and young family are free to move to be nearer his family, the other grandparents, in Cornwall.

Also it was OP that said they'd considered moving to Cornwall. I think it's a great idea! It's a lovely place to bring up young children.

Once a fortnight is loads. Yabu.

Maybe we should be selfish and move next to my in laws

In the hopes that they'll do childcare for you? I wouldn't bank on it. It soon wears thin.

OP doesn't have to stay near her DM incase she's needed on the basis of her mums age, she & DH and young family are free to move to be nearer his family, the other grandparents, in Cornwall.

Totally agree

My grandparents never did any childcare. It was a strictly lunch on Sunday every few weeks and a visit on Boxing Day.
We still had a loving relationship and years after they have gone I still miss them. You don’t have to provide childcare to build a bond to be a grandparent.
If I am ever a grandparent I won’t be doing regular childcare either. I will help out in an emergency or babysit on an anniversary and that’s it.
It won’t be because I won’t love my grandchildren but because I don’t want to spend my retirement looking after young children.

My parents don't do childcare as they live too far away. They would if they lived close. They love having time with DGC when they visit to stay and practically shoo me out the house!! Mine are 80! Their other Grandma is 70, lives closer and isn't bothered- she says hi and after 15 mins sits and reads a book or puts TV on ignoring DCs. Who do you think my DCs love spending time with?

It's lovely to see the chatter that goes on between DCs and interested DGPs, what mini adventures they get up to

That's not transactional, it's about how we want our DCs to enjoy their families and their lives.

So if OP and her DH, feel it would be beneficial to move nearer to other DGPs to a lovely part of the country, good for them. Whether there is regular babysitting once or twice a week for a couple hours or not, it's moot point, because she would have family around that are more interested, more hands on and some beaches for DCs to run around on making memories with their DGPs that will last them a lifetime. That will also be helpful to OP who is stressed.

Tiana I wonder how old you are? I am 69 and in "fine health". I am not frail but I am definitely no longer young. I could not do a physical job or look after a demanding 3 year old for long periods. I think I am pretty average.
There are outliers at 70 who are either cycling up mountains or extremely immobile, most look okay but are losing strength and stamina.
I have also noticed that one or two of my friends over 70 are starting to get anxious and mither about things they used to deal with easily although it's still subtle

I get it OP. Unfortunately it is what it is and you can't change it. We get no support from grandparents who are all in their 70s as we are older parents. We play host to them when they visit- running around after them with meals and cups of tea etc. Even when I was first out of hospital after a C section, my husband had to do everything for them when they visited. No one (on both sides of the family) has ever acknowledged that two people who work full time with two children are probably knackered. No one has ever offered a break to us. We just get on with it. They are our children. We paid for nursery for them both and have struggled at times financially as a result- but they are still our children and our responsibility. You can't complain but you can feel hurt by it- that is totally fair.

YABU- you can't really expect it.

" During covid she stepped back and refused to be part of our bubble at times."

Any idea why?

So is she usually quite involved?

I was never left with/looked after by any of my Gps but would still say I was close to them.

@hudagee

Did your mum have a say in the conception?

My mum witnessed it & gave us a score 😜

Was it a Len Goodman 'SEVEN'?

You say you moved to support your mum but complain she doesn’t help you. Realign your expectations. Your mum should not have to child mind to make your life life easier.

Op its hard. Sure you cant change it. My mother never helped. Had to always pay. Was hard seeing friends having good help. I would hope to be a loving gp. Not do it FT but certainly help. Im 48.