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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex not seeing DC due to new baby

306 replies

chickendinnertonight · 05/08/2021 16:29

My ex's partner is being induced next week. They've been told baby will be in neo natal for a 3-4 weeks as being born 7 weeks early, so will need to be monitored before being allowed to go home. Ex has text me and has cancelled all contact with our DC for the 2, possibly 3 weeks after baby is born. DC doesn't go more than 5 days without seeing ex usually.

I fully appreciate it's going to be a difficult time with his partner and baby being in hospital for a few weeks, but AIBU in thinking there's no reason he has to cancel absolutely all contact for the 2/3 weeks after the baby is born? I haven't replied to my ex yet.

OP posts:
saraclara · 05/08/2021 19:26

It's 2-3 weeks. I have no idea why people are responding as if it's going to be months before OP's DC get to see their dad.

A six year old is perfectly capable of understanding an unusual and difficult temporary situation.

OldEvilOwl · 05/08/2021 19:27

YABU

Original poster
chickendinnertonight · 05/08/2021 19:28

@saraclara Possibly, yes. What my 6 year won't understand is why his Dad will continue to see his other DC and step child, but not him.

OP posts:
Greystray · 05/08/2021 19:28

He's cutting out only two of his dc's during this time and not the others. It suggests he sees them as the expendable ones.

However I would spin it to your dc's as him needing to be very careful as the baby will be poorly for a while, and get them to make cards so that they feel involved. Maybe ask him to send a few pics so that they feel included.

Flomoon · 05/08/2021 19:29

@saraclara

It's 2-3 weeks. I have no idea why people are responding as if it's going to be months before OP's DC get to see their dad.

A six year old is perfectly capable of understanding an unusual and difficult temporary situation.

Let's hope the father explains it to his son then, although guessing as he's text OP he is counting on her being left to explain to him why his dad can't even arrange a video call.
cloudyrain · 05/08/2021 19:31

YANBU - needs of a new child do not trump those of an existing one, or does you ex want to give up seeing your DC?

OP I think you are being very generous, if contact time had been arranged during the holidays and your ex was going to be having your DC I would not be taking holiday to cover I would be expecting ex to arrange this himself as you can't just opt out

LunaLula83 · 05/08/2021 19:32

I wouldn't explain anything to your son beyond what ex has told you. He's spiteful to his son. Let him dig his way out of this one. Sending hugs to you.

NailsNeedDoing · 05/08/2021 19:34

@twinningatlife

He’s still making time for his other child, there’s no reason why he can’t do it for OP’s son too.

Only in so far as actually returning to the house where they all live together and seeing them in the morning/bedtime? Not exactly comparable

True, but a couple of hours a week to ensure that your six year old doesn’t feel totally left out and abandoned isn’t exactly a lot to ask. If he can’t adequately parent the children he already has, he shouldn’t be having more. It was always going to be more risky and unpredictable when they chose to conceive during a pandemic.
BungleandGeorge · 05/08/2021 19:36

Is he taking that time off work? In my experience it’s rare for a Dad to do that most keep working and take leave when the baby comes home (and some mums also). I think you deserve a proper explanation of his reasoning, if baby is likely to be very sick it’s a different situation to just being more convenient. Unfortunately when you become a parent you can’t just opt out even when times are difficult. You’re not the ex’s friend or relative so he shouldn’t presume you’ll pick up his time either

IGuessIdProbablyBeAnne · 05/08/2021 19:41

@NailsNeedDoing I asked for my post to be deleted as I regret using your own word against you. It’a not in the spirit of my mumsnet. I read your post wrong, and took offence as I thought you implied that a premature baby wouldn’t notice if their parents were there. Both of my children were prematuere (32 and 33 weeks) so this is a very emotional topic for me. Anyway, I apologise.

VeeVeey · 05/08/2021 19:53

Unless the baby is in danger ther is absolutely no reason the man cant pop in once week for a hour to see his children

Of course the baby is in danger, it will be almost 2 months premature and very vulnerable.

I'm 28 weeks pregnant at the moment and have some complications that mean the baby might end up being born early. If he is, we will absolutely be limiting our contact with others.

I have lost count of the amount of colds and bugs DSC have given me during the course of my pregnancy so far, through no fault of their own obviously.

I have just gotten over norovirus, which could be catastrophic for a very premature baby in the NICU.

Small children are germ factories and that's a fact.

It's 3 weeks.

Suggest video calls.

Notimeforaname · 05/08/2021 19:54

It's just not acceptable for him find the time to go to hospital and also go back and forth between his partners parents house..to see his other children and step child, but decide zero contact in advance for this child. No.

He could have said I cant make any promises. But to just ''know'' he wont have time for this one particular child seems unnecessarily mean.

Notimeforaname · 05/08/2021 19:55

Of course if baby remains sick for weeks. But,to say there will definitely be no time for just this one child..is awful .

saraclara · 05/08/2021 20:00

he is counting on her being left to explain to him why his dad can't even arrange a video call.

OP has not mentioned the dad not arranging a video call. All she's said is that normal contact is cancelled.

I've asked if she's asked the dad if he's okay with popping by to see her DCs when he's free, but she hasn't answered.

The majority of posters seem to be inventing him refusing to see or call her DC at all. We haven't been told that that's the case.

Velvian · 05/08/2021 20:00

I would support them, op. It is going to be a difficult time for them. It does not necessarily mean that he will not see your DC for that whole, just that he doesn't know what will happen. That is fair enough.

sofiegiraffe · 05/08/2021 20:10

YANBU - needs of a new child do not trump those of an existing one,

When the new child is a 7 week premature baby I'm afraid their needs temporarily "trump" pretty much everyone's. That's going to be one poorly baby. It's not just an average few weeks - it's going to be probably the most difficult and stressful time those parents and baby will go through. Most people can see that surely.

Planty13 · 05/08/2021 20:12

@ActonSquirrel how could she when she has other kids to care for? As does EX

Nat6999 · 05/08/2021 20:13

If the baby is larger than average at 33 weeks they may only be in hospital a few days, they often discharge them at 5lb so if they respond well may not need NICU very long.

ivykaty44 · 05/08/2021 20:16

Surely from a Covid point of view alone he is definitely doing the right thing..
Get the dc to draw pics and cards etc for their new sibling ..

this

NailsNeedDoing · 05/08/2021 20:17

@IGuessIdProbablyBeAnne I’m also very sorry if I offended you, it was never my intention to hurt the feelings of someone who has personal experience of a similar situation. I’m sorry you had to go though such difficulty when having your babies Flowers

I guess we all project our own stuff a certain amount on here, no doubt I feel so strongly in favour of OPs son because my own could have been in the same position at that age.

Imapotato · 05/08/2021 20:19

OP are you sure he’s not going to see your DC due to the covid risk? The hospital may have strict rules about visitors, even if they don’t he may not feel comfortable with the risk of possibly passing anything on to the new baby, staff and other prem babies and their parents. He doesn’t know where your DC has been when they are not with him.

I think in these circumstances, for a short period of time, he is actually not being unreasonable. He can always video call with your DC. Im sure once the baby is out of the SCBU normal service will resume and he’ll see your DC regularly again. As you said they haven’t been more than 5 days without seeing him before.

ivykaty44 · 05/08/2021 20:19

If the baby is larger than average at 33 weeks they may only be in hospital a few days, they often discharge them at 5lb so if they respond well may not need NICU very long.

surely regardless of size the babies lungs will not be fully developed and therefore will need to be kept in hospital?

Jerima · 05/08/2021 20:19

The NICU will also have other babies in who are extremely vulnerable and sick. He can facetime your DC and all you have to say is the baby is very ill. Your DC does not need to know of any other arrangements so therefore shouldn't feel the need to compare what contact he's having with step siblings

HurryUpAndWait23 · 05/08/2021 20:22

I think, given the baby is going to be 7 weeks prem, your ex is being sensible.

It isn't ideal.

But it isn't ideal for anyone, least of all a baby born at 33 weeks.

IGuessIdProbablyBeAnne · 05/08/2021 20:22

Thank you @NailsNeedDoing Flowers I need to read posts more carefully!