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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a little miffed?

181 replies

HallieHufflepuff · 04/08/2021 22:04

A family member is getting married next year. DH & I are not invited but we are invited to a party a few weeks after (to celebrate the wedding).

Ok, that's fine, it's up to the couple what they want for their wedding and who they want to invite. Even though they came to our wedding (all day and in the evening too) and we spent a lot on their food, that's ok people don't have to reciprocate. We were just happy that everyone came to our wedding to enjoy the day with us.

But now we have been asked to eat before we go because they don't want to cater for us (as we are vegan). There are others who have allergies and dietary requirements and they have not been asked to eat before the party.

AIBU to be a little upset by that? Or is that silly and I shouldn't expect to eat at the buffet like the rest of the guests?

And how much money would you give as a gift? I know that the gift is supposed to be enough to cover the cost of your meal at least but since we won't be eating, how much should we give? (I don't want to fall out with them at all as they're usually really nice but just seem to be treating us oddly in this situation). I definitely don't want to cause a fuss as it's their wedding day and I want them to be happy.

OP posts:
StoneofDestiny · 05/08/2021 14:23

Not a chance I'd be going to this! Just send a 'with apologies' reply and leave it at that - no gift. Why are you even bothering about offending them - your so low on their guest priority list, they clearly don't want you there.

Disneyblue · 05/08/2021 14:25

Yea
...no. I wouldn't bother

QueeniesCroft · 05/08/2021 14:26

I'd be tempted to ignore the whole thing and not even reply (if challenged about it later, I would say I assumed it was a joke because nobody would be that rude otherwise).

I certainly wouldn't go, or send a gift.

JovialNickname · 05/08/2021 14:35

Are you sure they're not giving you the option to eat with them, because it's a buffet? Technically everything could be meat - tainted if people are picking up different foods. Maybe they're just worried you're going to kick up a fuss if the salad tongs are used by someone else to put salad on a meat dish etc? If they want a relaxed buffet I could see how it would be a pain to have a whole non-contaminated vegan "area" and food preparation station. Maybe if you say you're happy to have the buffet (the vegan bits of course) as it is they will be fine? They probably just don't want you either complaining or being hungry.

DynamoKev · 05/08/2021 14:47

how much money would you give as a gift?
About 50p.

Newestname001 · 05/08/2021 14:51

I'd have said they were thoughtless, except they aren't. They've actually thought of your vegan requirements and decided that, although they'll cater to other dietary needs, they can't be bothered to cater to yours.

Their actions sound unkind and uncaring.

With this in mind I'd quietly decline their invitation and I certainly would not be sending a gift. 🌹

thelionqwueen · 05/08/2021 15:03

They don’t deserve you as friends. If people ask why you didn’t go, just say as it is. It would feel embarrassing sitting there when all other guests are eating. You have nothing to be ashamed of. If I have a party, I’d go out of my way to make sure everyone had a good time and decent food.

Meraas · 05/08/2021 15:26

[quote HallieHufflepuff]@Returnoftheowl I mean that if an employer was to discriminate against an employee for being vegan (insulting/bulling them or providing meals for all staff apart from the vegan person), as veganism is a protected belief, the employer would not be able to do this or would get in trouble for it.
Just copying and pasting this that might explain it better than I do: "Ethical veganism is a protected belief and so can be considered on par with a religion. Adherents to ethical veganism are therefore protected from all forms of discrimination under the Equality Act."

I guess it doesn't really help in the case of family and friends but I was just making the point to that person that I am not being 'fussy' or wanting people to 'pander' to me. Some people eat a plant based diet but I am a vegan so it is a lifestyle choice for me, not just the food that I eat.

I hope that helps! Smile[/quote]
Not attending this shit show would be standing by your beliefs.

If you have been told there will be no food for you, but still turn up, watch everyone else tuck into a catered meal, while you are either not eating or eating from your tupperware decanted onto a plate, then you are either a masochist or a mug.

Batsy · 06/08/2021 10:28

the fail have picked this up.

CoralFish · 06/08/2021 11:47

I think I would go, and passive-aggressively turn up with huge tupperwares of vegan food, which I would then enjoy, and offer to others, explaining that you were told they couldn't cater for you... But I'm a bit petty like that.

Mind you, I once went to a 21st party for someone who was coeliac and had recently been advised to cut out dairy due to a suspected allergy. Her mother served chicken in a creamy sauce made with ordinary flour and a 'normal' cake, because 'the guests wouldn't enjoy a gluten free one', so very little surprises me anymore when it comes to other peoples' hosting.

BikeRunSki · 06/08/2021 11:50

Maybe go, and get a Domino’s delivered?

Fernando072020 · 06/08/2021 12:06

It's not really difficult to throw together a veggie pasta, and get some bread, hummus and Oreos in for the op, is it?

Yanbu and I find their behaviour extremely rude. I'd decline their invite.

ItWasAgathaAllAlong · 06/08/2021 14:49

how much money would you give as a gift?

Enough to buy a 'How to cook vegan' cook book? Grin

Ragwort · 06/08/2021 14:57

Just politely decline the invitation - why do people find it so hard to turn down invitations? Who is thinking you will be the 'bad guys' for not attending, and does it matter? Stop worrying about what other people think of you.

BikeRunSki · 06/08/2021 14:58

@CoralFish

I think I would go, and passive-aggressively turn up with huge tupperwares of vegan food, which I would then enjoy, and offer to others, explaining that you were told they couldn't cater for you... But I'm a bit petty like that.

Mind you, I once went to a 21st party for someone who was coeliac and had recently been advised to cut out dairy due to a suspected allergy. Her mother served chicken in a creamy sauce made with ordinary flour and a 'normal' cake, because 'the guests wouldn't enjoy a gluten free one', so very little surprises me anymore when it comes to other peoples' hosting.

I once got dd a gluten free birthday cake without realising the whole cafe/bakery was GF (despite going there every week for a couple of years!). It was very nice, I certainly didn’t notice the difference and only found out afterwards. No one commented, and believe me, there were mums at that party that would have done.
WhereYouLeftIt · 06/08/2021 15:11

I think I'd be responding to their text with

"So let me get this straight in my head. You're catering for the vegetarians. You're catering for those with allergies and food intolerances. But you're telling us to eat before arrival because you absolutely will not be catering for us? And you'd like us to turn up at the same time as all those you will be hosting - and watch them eat? Have you any idea of how unwelcome you are making us feel?"

Fuck it, go for the jugular. They deserve nothing less.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 06/08/2021 18:08

[quote HallieHufflepuff]@Returnoftheowl I mean that if an employer was to discriminate against an employee for being vegan (insulting/bulling them or providing meals for all staff apart from the vegan person), as veganism is a protected belief, the employer would not be able to do this or would get in trouble for it.
Just copying and pasting this that might explain it better than I do: "Ethical veganism is a protected belief and so can be considered on par with a religion. Adherents to ethical veganism are therefore protected from all forms of discrimination under the Equality Act."

I guess it doesn't really help in the case of family and friends but I was just making the point to that person that I am not being 'fussy' or wanting people to 'pander' to me. Some people eat a plant based diet but I am a vegan so it is a lifestyle choice for me, not just the food that I eat.

I hope that helps! Smile[/quote]
Just want to point out that only SOME forms of veganism are protected. Not all veganism.

Nayday · 06/08/2021 18:20

I'd be miffed and not going!

So much food is incidentally vegan friendly, it's not as though it's a massive chore to provide from either themselves or the caterer. Considering these days the local supermarket has vegan versions of most foods, it looks as though this is a pretty idiot move.

The only caveat to this is if on top of being vegan you have form for being particularly fussy about the type of vegan food ie no ready prepared stuff etc so that what you will actually eat is quite narrow? Otherwise it's just bad manners to invite someone to a catered event but essentially inform them you can't be bothered to cater for their dietary requirements (and vegan is pretty standard nowadays).

I'd be sending a polite decline due to a long standing reservation at a top vegan restaurant and a lovely vegan cook book 😁.

Concestor · 06/08/2021 19:12

Just reply "no thanks" and send them nothing. How rude!

NoMoreCovidPlease · 06/08/2021 19:18

Wow. They really don't want you there and can't be arsed to cater for your (very reasonable) dietary requirements as a result. Honestly, just bow out. They'll be relieved and you won't have to dread this experience for a whole year. Decline the invite and put it out of your mind. What arseholes

Dalooah · 06/08/2021 19:24

I know someone who took their own sandwiches to a sit down meal wedding even though they were fully catered for! 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️ some people?! Probably make a statement by not eating beforehand, but taking a picnic basket filled to the brim of vegan suitable food. Find out beforehand what the likely menu is going to be and make sure whatever food you have is nicer and looks way fancier!

Personally though, I wouldn't go and if he telling the whole family that they've said there's no food for you to eat.

MrsJuliaGulia · 06/08/2021 19:30

Presents are for weddings. You’re not invited to the wedding.
To the party you’ve been invited to, I’d bring a bottle of wine and a card.

I find vegans hard to cater for also so I can empathise to a point but in this case it would hardly be difficult to throw a few salads together.

Original poster
HallieHufflepuff · 08/08/2021 00:43

@SchrodingersImmigrant Which types off veganism are protected?
As it's an ethical belief and way of life, I thought it was veganism as a whole. I would like to know which parts are actually protected

OP posts:
SchrodingersImmigrant · 09/08/2021 09:36

[quote HallieHufflepuff]@SchrodingersImmigrant Which types off veganism are protected?
As it's an ethical belief and way of life, I thought it was veganism as a whole. I would like to know which parts are actually protected[/quote]
It has to affect your daily life and not just diet wise. Like the man in the case. He has genuinely set the bar quite high. Someone who walks around in leather shoes etc, for example, could probably not be able to claim the same protection. It depends on courts say in future cases, but that's the jist of it for now.