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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a little miffed?

181 replies

HallieHufflepuff · 04/08/2021 22:04

A family member is getting married next year. DH & I are not invited but we are invited to a party a few weeks after (to celebrate the wedding).

Ok, that's fine, it's up to the couple what they want for their wedding and who they want to invite. Even though they came to our wedding (all day and in the evening too) and we spent a lot on their food, that's ok people don't have to reciprocate. We were just happy that everyone came to our wedding to enjoy the day with us.

But now we have been asked to eat before we go because they don't want to cater for us (as we are vegan). There are others who have allergies and dietary requirements and they have not been asked to eat before the party.

AIBU to be a little upset by that? Or is that silly and I shouldn't expect to eat at the buffet like the rest of the guests?

And how much money would you give as a gift? I know that the gift is supposed to be enough to cover the cost of your meal at least but since we won't be eating, how much should we give? (I don't want to fall out with them at all as they're usually really nice but just seem to be treating us oddly in this situation). I definitely don't want to cause a fuss as it's their wedding day and I want them to be happy.

OP posts:
Cuddlyrottweiler · 05/08/2021 12:41

If there's going to be people there you like then go and enjoy the party. I wouldn't give a gift, just a card.

Lostinthemail · 05/08/2021 12:43

I would see it as a big sign I wasn’t welcome and wouldn’t go. If I would go, no more than £10, if you’re expected to pay for your own drinks £0.

Returnoftheowl · 05/08/2021 12:49

[quote HallieHufflepuff]@Sally872 Who is comparing being vegan to having allergies?
I simply stated that they are catering for vegetarians and people with allergies. And I also said that I would be unwell if I ate meat and dairy (which is also true). Noone is being insensitive, I am just explaining that they are catering for both dietary preferences and allergies, just not food for us.

@pinkcircustop Please don't comment with silly things like that. Noone is fussy. It is our ethical belief to be vegan and it is a protected belief. There are so many different vegan foods available in 2021 that it's not even difficult to cater for vegans. Please don't embarrass yourself by calling me fussy, I don't shit on your beliefs.

@Marmalady75 Hahah that is actually a good idea. Only slightly passive aggressive and at least I would be attending!

@Aprilx You're right, I don't know definitely that they haven't said this to anyone else. But I do know they are catering for vegetarians.

@LittleOwl153 I have no idea to be honest. All I have heard about it is what is on the text. They have not shared any other information with me, like if they have caterers or are sorting the food themselves.

@CeceJoyce Thank you! I am not expecting to be treated special, just the same as everyone else. Or just the minimum effort would be something.

@MzHz Thank you for the support. And if you're not the biggest fan of vegans, I'm sorry that you have met some unfriendly vegans. But most of us are lovely (I know lots). There's good and bad of every group Smile

@DelphiniumTea You're right, people do always tend to eat the vegetarian/vegan food who are not vegetarian/vegan. If I was them (meat eaters), I would do a separate plate like you have said, in addition to a veggie section. But I went to loads of trouble when it was my wedding and I spent months thinking of a 3 course menu and an evening buffet that each one of our 100 guests would like. We also paid extra for an extra choice so that guests had 3 meals to choose from (when I have attended weddings, there has always been no choice). But I'm a long-suffering people pleaser.[/quote]
A genuine question... What do you mean by veganism is a "protected belief"?

Inertia · 05/08/2021 12:53

I was going to say decline, but PP’s suggestions about taking some delicious food along with you are much better!

Dfdsdfds · 05/08/2021 12:59

Brides and Grooms can get weirdly self centred around their weddings but yes their behaviour is very rude.

Getting the caterer to add some vegan items is hardly expensive or difficult. There are loads of easy options e.g

Salads
Cheese free veggie pizza
Stuffed vine leaves
Humous
Felafel
Chips
Rice
Bean salad
Greggs vegan rolls

Yes I wouldn’t bother going - send a card and feck ‘em!

eightyfourandahalf · 05/08/2021 13:01

vegan and it is a protected belief

Confused

say what now?

Original poster
HallieHufflepuff · 05/08/2021 13:02

@Returnoftheowl I mean that if an employer was to discriminate against an employee for being vegan (insulting/bulling them or providing meals for all staff apart from the vegan person), as veganism is a protected belief, the employer would not be able to do this or would get in trouble for it.
Just copying and pasting this that might explain it better than I do: "Ethical veganism is a protected belief and so can be considered on par with a religion. Adherents to ethical veganism are therefore protected from all forms of discrimination under the Equality Act."

I guess it doesn't really help in the case of family and friends but I was just making the point to that person that I am not being 'fussy' or wanting people to 'pander' to me. Some people eat a plant based diet but I am a vegan so it is a lifestyle choice for me, not just the food that I eat.

I hope that helps! Smile

OP posts:
eightyfourandahalf · 05/08/2021 13:06

Good luck to anyone catering for the fussy, shame they hide the genuine requests...

Vegie, vegan...
on a carb free diet
no sugar
no alcohol
ethical food only
intermittent fasting dictating the acceptable time to serve the food...
allergies
pregnancy
no shellfish
no pork
no egg

eightyfourandahalf · 05/08/2021 13:06

a lifestyle choice is not superior than another lifestyle choice.

Original poster
HallieHufflepuff · 05/08/2021 13:09

@eightyfourandahalf As far as I'm aware, no one has said that one lifestyle choice is more superior than another lifestyle choice. So I'm not sure where you are going with this statement?

OP posts:
Herecomesthesun70 · 05/08/2021 13:11

Bloody hell. Happy wouldn't go.
You'll feel much better about not going and if anyone asks you I'd bloody tell them.
You can't be the bad guys for not going so where you don't want to be or where you're clearly not welcome

prettyteapotsplease · 05/08/2021 13:14

I think TopBlogger has it in one. I'd say decline politely and give no present as it's rude of them. Why go to a party to watch other people eat? It sounds miserable and I'm sure you've got better things to do.

Jools67 · 05/08/2021 13:18

I wouldn't go send a card and a vegan cookbook.

Sceptre86 · 05/08/2021 13:22

I wouldn't go. They don't want you at the wedding they have then invited you to a party where there won't be food for you to eat but there would be an expectation of a present. I would say you are busy that day and if you are feeling very generous, send £20 in a card.

FenceSplinters · 05/08/2021 13:24

@Jools67

I wouldn't go send a card and a vegan cookbook.
I love this idea! 😆
KeyWorker · 05/08/2021 13:28

I’d decline their invitation, even if you’ve already accepted. Then no need to worry about a gift, you could send a card with best wishes in if you like.

LizzieW1969 · 05/08/2021 13:32

I agree with PPs, that you should decline and not feel bad about it in the slightest. They’re being rude and very unkind. It really isn’t difficult these days to cater for vegans.

Waspsarearseholes · 05/08/2021 13:33

"I disagree with you there. I am in the same category as someone with allergies/intolerances.
Because I have been vegan so long, eating meat or dairy (not that I ever would) would make me sick. I wouldn't need to be hospitalised or anything but I would be unwell."

You have literally placed yourself in 'the same category' as people with allergies (which can be fatal) and intolerances. Then you deny doing that, which is odd.

Anyway, there's no way I'd go to this party, the hosts are appallingly rude. They are literally doing the absolute minimum they can just about get away with to hope that you'll go and give them a present. I'm willing to bet that there will be many incidentally vegan foods at the buffet, they just don't seem to think you deserve any. I really wouldn't bother about going just to keep the peace, they've been extremely rude.

UmamiMammy · 05/08/2021 13:34

I wouldn't go, that is very very rude!!!!

tommmanndjjerrry · 05/08/2021 13:39

I would honestly say

If you can not cater for all of your guests it might be better not to invite them, enjoy your party, we will give it a miss.

tiredanddangerous · 05/08/2021 13:40

I'd turn up with a vegan picnic and show them up to be the arseholes they are in front of their other guests.

tommmanndjjerrry · 05/08/2021 13:45

When I got married, as an absolute minimum we did a meat and vegan option for the wedding breakfast and the buffet.

I put a card inside the invitation explaining this, and asking for any dietary requirements beyond this. A few people replied with allergy related stuff and we made sure they had options too.

If you are going to host then you should cater for everyone. Whether it's allergy/faith/dietary choice doesn't matter, weddings are long days and guests should be fed well.

LadyMonicaBaddingham · 05/08/2021 14:06

@DifferentHair

I wouldn't go. I'd send a 'easy vegan recipes' cookbook as a passive aggressive token gift.

They've been incredibly rude.

😁
Hemingwaycat · 05/08/2021 14:07

Honestly just wouldn’t go.

FavouriteMug · 05/08/2021 14:12

Don't go but buy them a vegan cookbook as a gift

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