To be a little miffed?

[HallieHufflepuff]

A family member is getting married next year. DH & I are not invited but we are invited to a party a few weeks after (to celebrate the wedding).

Ok, that's fine, it's up to the couple what they want for their wedding and who they want to invite. Even though they came to our wedding (all day and in the evening too) and we spent a lot on their food, that's ok people don't have to reciprocate. We were just happy that everyone came to our wedding to enjoy the day with us.

But now we have been asked to eat before we go because they don't want to cater for us (as we are vegan). There are others who have allergies and dietary requirements and they have not been asked to eat before the party.

AIBU to be a little upset by that? Or is that silly and I shouldn't expect to eat at the buffet like the rest of the guests?

And how much money would you give as a gift? I know that the gift is supposed to be enough to cover the cost of your meal at least but since we won't be eating, how much should we give? (I don't want to fall out with them at all as they're usually really nice but just seem to be treating us oddly in this situation). I definitely don't want to cause a fuss as it's their wedding day and I want them to be happy.

What do they expect you to do, sit and watch everybody else eating? Do they want you to have a drink before you go too?
Being generous to them, I suppose they might have already decided on the food, then realised there's not much there to cater for vegans, so they are warning you to fill up first. But even if that's the case, it's so lazy and uncaring, I would just not go.

What an odd thing to do. I’m vegan too but luckily people have gone out if their way to cater for me at parties and weddings and I’ve been so grateful. It seems they are simply not interested in catering for you because it’s really not that hard. It’s very rare a catering company cannot include vegan food and they could easily ask you for some ideas on vegan food preferences if they are catering themselves. It’s a bit mean really, I think I’d feel unwanted. If you decline the invite and they ask why maybe say you felt that you weren’t welcome.

I wouldn't bother going either. Nor would I send a present. Incredibly rude not to make at least some attempt to cater for you.

Don't go.
Make a point.

I'm a hardened carnivore and I'd never think to exclude vegans.

My wedding was over thirty years ago and yet we managed to cater for all , even vegetarians , who seem to be marginalised, these days.

I always ask if I can take my own food because I can be hard to cater for so wouldn’t mind not eating.
For family I would give £50.

I love my family and would be happy for them.

I absolutely wouldn’t go and wouldn’t send a gift.

I wouldn't go. I'd send a 'easy vegan recipes' cookbook as a passive aggressive token gift.

They've been incredibly rude.

Decline.Wish them well and stay at home.

Shockingly bad manners to invite somebody and not to cater.

I would not send any presents either.

It doesn't sound like they care whether you're there or not

It sounds like they don’t actually want you there anyway, as they aren’t even bothered to supply vegan food, and for that reason I wouldn’t be going. How bloody rude to tell you to eat first! The cheek!

Wow, way to make you feel unwelcome!!! I'd definitely decline. They are rude fuckers!!

I wouldn’t be going and I sure as fuck wouldn’t send them a gift.

In fact, they’d never get anything from me again.

Oh and don't send a gift!

How bizarre. Can I ask, out of pure fascination at their chutzpah, how they actually issued the party invitation while telling you to eat in advance because they wouldn’t be catering for you? (Was it a poem? Did it rhyme ‘Bloody vegan’ with ‘Kevin Keegan’?)

No fucking way would I go to that.

No gift bottle of bubbly if feeling magnanimous.

Plenty of people don't send gifts. I had a wedding party after my actual wedding and didn't get gifts from everyone

Personally I'd decline. It sounds like they don't like you.

@SmallChairs

How bizarre. Can I ask, out of pure fascination at their chutzpah, how they actually issued the party invitation while telling you to eat in advance because they wouldn’t be catering for you? (Was it a poem? Did it rhyme ‘Bloody vegan’ with ‘Kevin Keegan’?)

Haha, a poem would have been going to some effort! We were invited via a text.

I wouldn't dream of making little of myself by attending such a rude invite, and as for a gift!😙

YANBU to be a bit miffed but you are BU to put yourself in the same category as someone with allergies/intolerances

So, literally ‘Hey, come to our party on X/X/X, but eat before you come because there will be no vegan food, although we’re feeding the vegetarians and the gluten-free’?

Some people.

@OppsUpsSide

YANBU to be a bit miffed but you are BU to put yourself in the same category as someone with allergies/intolerances

OP also said other dietary requirements are being accommodated. They’re arseholes, and I speak as a carnivore.

I definitely don't want to cause a fuss as it's their wedding day and I want them to be happy

But it’s not their wedding day, you aren’t invited to that, it’s a party weeks later. It seems rude of them to not even want to cater for you at the party when you had them to your full wedding. Personally I don’t think I would go at all, or buy a present unless I could find a cheap, basic one.

YANBU @HallieHufflepuff. As a number of posters have said, I wouldn't be arsed at all. Develop covid and say you have to self isolate.

Don't bother sending any money. Fuck em. They are treating you like shite!

@OppsUpsSide

YANBU to be a bit miffed but you are BU to put yourself in the same category as someone with allergies/intolerances

I disagree with you there. I am in the same category as someone with allergies/intolerances. Because I have been vegan so long, eating meat or dairy (not that I ever would) would make me sick. I wouldn't need to be hospitalised or anything but I would be unwell.

If you haven't spoken to any other family about it, how do you know that they are indeed catering for other dietary restrictions and allergies as you said?