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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a little miffed?

181 replies

HallieHufflepuff · 04/08/2021 22:04

A family member is getting married next year. DH & I are not invited but we are invited to a party a few weeks after (to celebrate the wedding).

Ok, that's fine, it's up to the couple what they want for their wedding and who they want to invite. Even though they came to our wedding (all day and in the evening too) and we spent a lot on their food, that's ok people don't have to reciprocate. We were just happy that everyone came to our wedding to enjoy the day with us.

But now we have been asked to eat before we go because they don't want to cater for us (as we are vegan). There are others who have allergies and dietary requirements and they have not been asked to eat before the party.

AIBU to be a little upset by that? Or is that silly and I shouldn't expect to eat at the buffet like the rest of the guests?

And how much money would you give as a gift? I know that the gift is supposed to be enough to cover the cost of your meal at least but since we won't be eating, how much should we give? (I don't want to fall out with them at all as they're usually really nice but just seem to be treating us oddly in this situation). I definitely don't want to cause a fuss as it's their wedding day and I want them to be happy.

OP posts:
Original poster
HallieHufflepuff · 05/08/2021 09:47

@cocomarine Read my post again Smile

OP posts:
thelionqwueen · 05/08/2021 09:47

Are you supposed to arrive after the buffet, or are you supposed to sit and watch people eat? Do you think they invited you just for the present? It’s not a wedding anyway, I wouldn’t go.

Original poster
HallieHufflepuff · 05/08/2021 09:53

@thelionqwueen I think we are supposed to arrive at the same time as everyone else and watch them eat. And I think they have invited us because they feel like they should.

OP posts:
Fr0thandBubble · 05/08/2021 09:54

How rude and upsetting. I’d be tempted to make up an excuse and not go. If you really want to stay friends with them and this kind of behaviour is just a one-off, I’d go and take a token present.

Stormyequine · 05/08/2021 09:57

I'd have thought it would be difficult to do a buffet without including some vegan options. Especially if they are catering for vegetarians. It seems really odd. It'd be fair enough if they'd said there may not be much you'll eat, but surely there would be something.

vivainsomnia · 05/08/2021 10:00

There are others who have allergies and dietary requirements and they have not been asked to eat before the party
What are they? Maybe they don't need the menu changed for their requirements so it's fine.

If it's a buffet, could it be that they just wanted to warn you that there might not be a large selection of things available for you, and therefore only suggested that you might want to have a little something to eat before coming so that you are not left starving. This would be quite reasonable.

RealBecca · 05/08/2021 10:00

Id be really fucking petty and say no problem then bring a gourmet packed lunch to open when im there. Wait for people to start cooing over how amazing it looks and ask if they missed it at the buffet table and then casually drop in that the couple werent able to carer for vegan food so you brought your own..

And gift wise i wouldn't bother as its an after party not a wedding.

Original poster
HallieHufflepuff · 05/08/2021 10:05

@vivainsomnia

There are others who have allergies and dietary requirements and they have not been asked to eat before the party What are they? Maybe they don't need the menu changed for their requirements so it's fine.

If it's a buffet, could it be that they just wanted to warn you that there might not be a large selection of things available for you, and therefore only suggested that you might want to have a little something to eat before coming so that you are not left starving. This would be quite reasonable.

Hi there, I won't say what the allergies are exactly but they're serious and could not have any food touching what they eat that contains their allergen. And that would be reasonable, yes. I would not have been bothered if they had said 'We can't guarantee that there will be lots by the time you get to the buffet, so maybe have something before you get there just in case.' But they didn't, they said eat before you come because it's too hard to provide vegan food.
OP posts:
CeceJoyce · 05/08/2021 10:06

For everyone mentioning allergies it’s actually harder to provide food for those with allergies. You have to be so careful not to cross contaminate and also you have to be 100% sure on the ingredients. I know a few people with quite severe allergies who would just rather not eat at buffets because they can’t be sure it doesn’t have a trace of nuts or wheat etc.
Vegan food is so much easier to provide. You’d have to be living under a rock to not notice the huge increases of food available for vegans, many of which is suitable for a buffet. Even if the party
is being catered and it was tricky organising for a small number of vegans I’d find a way to sort it out myself. If you invite someone to a party at least make them feel wanted!!

BikeRunSki · 05/08/2021 10:08

If they find it too hard to provide vegan food, they’re going to struggle with marriage!!🤣

BarbaraofSeville · 05/08/2021 10:12

It would take a special level of bloody mindedness to make a buffet that didn't contain a number of vegan choices. They'd have to completely exclude foods like:

Onion bhajis, samosas, falafels
Salads with vegetables, beans, nuts, seeds etc
Hummus, many other dips like that roast aubergine one.
Bread
Crisps and nuts

So normal food that most people will eat without having to use any specialist ingredients etc

They could do all the above and stick a few ham and cheese sandwiches and sausage rolls at the end of the table for the people 'who don't like vegan food'.

I'd tell them how ridiculous they're being, but won't trouble them when you're not welcome. But definitely don't send a gift if you're not actually going to the party.

MzHz · 05/08/2021 10:32

@BikeRunSki

If they find it too hard to provide vegan food, they’re going to struggle with marriage!!🤣
100% this 😂
OrangeIsTheNewRed · 05/08/2021 11:28

Get to your local charity shop and buy the most hideous ornament you can find. They'll have to display it when you visit. That'll learn 'em 😈

Spend what you would have spent on a gift on a lovely meal out. Yanbu.

poorbuthappy · 05/08/2021 11:32

I'd say ok - then not go.
They clearly aren't going to lose out as they aren't catering for you.
Be ill - or book a holiday or something.
Or simply say on the day, we can't come.
Don't worry about a pressie.

BarbaraofSeville · 05/08/2021 11:35

@OrangeIsTheNewRed

Get to your local charity shop and buy the most hideous ornament you can find. They'll have to display it when you visit. That'll learn 'em 😈

Spend what you would have spent on a gift on a lovely meal out. Yanbu.

Perfect!
AllAroundTheWorldYeah · 05/08/2021 11:41

Will there be an open bar? If so then make sure to get absolutely sloshed to make up for the lack of food Grin

Takenoprisoner · 05/08/2021 11:44

@HallieHufflepuff will you be going op? They seem very unenthusiastic about having you there. It's like a slap in the face, 'come to our party, celebrate our wedding, don't eat our food.'

Meraas · 05/08/2021 11:48

[quote HallieHufflepuff]@thelionqwueen I think we are supposed to arrive at the same time as everyone else and watch them eat. And I think they have invited us because they feel like they should.[/quote]
So don’t eel you need to attend. And no present for the twats. Just a cheap 29p card from Card Factory if you just.

pasturesgreen · 05/08/2021 11:49

They quite blatantly don't really want you there, sorry OP. If you want to go, I'd take along a card and a bottle of bubbly.

Original poster
HallieHufflepuff · 05/08/2021 12:05

@Takenoprisoner I don't know. I feel like we will be made out to be 'the bad guys' if we don't go.
But I do feel unwelcome, like they don't really want us there.

OP posts:
carolinesbaby · 05/08/2021 12:21

I'd say that was rude
Part of being the host is looking after your guests.
I went to a wedding party this week an hour away from home, from 4pm. No food provided at all. Don't know what the people who had been there for the 1pm ceremony were doing, I was starving and I ate lunch before I went.

eightyfourandahalf · 05/08/2021 12:25

Very rude!

I wouldn't go either.

Guests requesting adjustments because of a food fad are just as rude and entitled, but you grin and bear it. Demanding that someone eats first? That's a new one!

Bet they'll have a paid bar too.

eightyfourandahalf · 05/08/2021 12:26

Get to your local charity shop and buy the most hideous ornament you can find. They'll have to display it when you visit. That'll learn 'em

guessing if they are comfortable enough to tell the OP to eat before hand, they won't be the kind of people who keep tat just because it was a gift!

RyanReynoldsHusband · 05/08/2021 12:26

Not only would I not go AND not send a gift, I would also book a lovely foodie hotel stay somewhere and eat all the delicious vegan food.

Miserable f-ers

TheAwfuITruth · 05/08/2021 12:34

This is like one of those memes:

'Tell Someone You Don't Want Them To Come To Your Party, Without Telling Them You Don't Want Them To Come To Your Party'

Swipe left for the next trending thread