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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a little miffed?

181 replies

HallieHufflepuff · 04/08/2021 22:04

A family member is getting married next year. DH & I are not invited but we are invited to a party a few weeks after (to celebrate the wedding).

Ok, that's fine, it's up to the couple what they want for their wedding and who they want to invite. Even though they came to our wedding (all day and in the evening too) and we spent a lot on their food, that's ok people don't have to reciprocate. We were just happy that everyone came to our wedding to enjoy the day with us.

But now we have been asked to eat before we go because they don't want to cater for us (as we are vegan). There are others who have allergies and dietary requirements and they have not been asked to eat before the party.

AIBU to be a little upset by that? Or is that silly and I shouldn't expect to eat at the buffet like the rest of the guests?

And how much money would you give as a gift? I know that the gift is supposed to be enough to cover the cost of your meal at least but since we won't be eating, how much should we give? (I don't want to fall out with them at all as they're usually really nice but just seem to be treating us oddly in this situation). I definitely don't want to cause a fuss as it's their wedding day and I want them to be happy.

OP posts:
Original poster
HallieHufflepuff · 04/08/2021 23:37

@SmallChairs

So, literally ‘Hey, come to our party on X/X/X, but eat before you come because there will be no vegan food, although we’re feeding the vegetarians and the gluten-free’?

Some people.

That's almost exactly what they said, haha.
OP posts:
OppsUpsSide · 04/08/2021 23:38

What dietary requirements? That is often used as a euphemism for intolerances, which much like allergies, aren’t a choice.

Meraas · 04/08/2021 23:40

If you’re doing veggie food it’s easy to make one or two dishes vegan. This is such a snub.

Original poster
HallieHufflepuff · 04/08/2021 23:40

@Elouera

If you haven't spoken to any other family about it, how do you know that they are indeed catering for other dietary restrictions and allergies as you said?
I know that they are catering for vegetarians. And a few family members have allergies and I haven't heard that they're not catering for them.

I guess I don't know 100% but I'm 90% sure (and 100% sure about the vegetarians).

OP posts:
Original poster
HallieHufflepuff · 04/08/2021 23:43

@OppsUpsSide I don't want to be too specific but some of the other guests are vegetarian and some (meat eaters) are allergic to certain foods.
It's a mixture of preference and allergies. But as a long time vegan, I would be unwell if I ate meat or dairy.

OP posts:
WipeYourFeet · 04/08/2021 23:44

By any chance, when you got married, did you only provide vegan food at your wedding reception?
Could it be that they are hardened meat eaters , hated your wedding feast & this is their way of getting back at you? ConfusedWink

OppsUpsSide · 04/08/2021 23:45

Is it them being crap or the venue? I can understand not wanting to alter the venue due to one set of guests preferences unless they were extremely important to me (sorry) although it is odd for a venue not to cater to Veganism

OppsUpsSide · 04/08/2021 23:45

By any chance, when you got married, did you only provide vegan food at your wedding reception?
Could it be that they are hardened meat eaters , hated your wedding feast & this is their way of getting back at you?

Hopefully not but that did make me laugh

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 04/08/2021 23:47

Sorry, haven't read the thread but I'd be sending them an introduction to vegan cook book as a wedding present and am I'm sorry but we're err busy...

If you want to go to catch up with friends and fam then £0 as a gift or said cook book.

TalkingOutYerArse · 04/08/2021 23:51

Decline. Send a vegan cookbook a a gift.

NewlyGranny · 04/08/2021 23:51

I honestly wouldn't bother. They've shown you where you are in the pecking order. If you do go, take nothing more that a tenner bottle, as PP suggested. Or go to L*dl and spend a fiver on a bottle that looks as if it should cost a tenner. They don't deserve more than that.

NewlyGranny · 04/08/2021 23:52

Also, a subsequent engagement won;t excuse yo, only a previous one! ;)

timeisnotaline · 04/08/2021 23:58

A text message invite, to a party not a wedding, make sure you eat first as we are feeding everyone but you? I wouldn’t go or send a gift.

Hugefanofcheese · 04/08/2021 23:58

That's pretty rude. A lot of buffet food is incidentally vegan. You're not expected to give them a cash present, it's just a party.

Terhou · 04/08/2021 23:59

You have to be seriously unimaginative not to work out that there it would be pretty dull for vegan guests to be standing around watching everyone else eat. Or else, or course, you would have to be seriously rude. I wonder what they would do if they saw you eating salad? Would they claim you'd taken something you aren't entitled to as they've told you they're not catering for you and rip it out of your hands?

swimlyn · 05/08/2021 00:07

Just reply that you are washing your hair that day. Smile

Pottedpalm · 05/08/2021 00:14

Don’t go. And no gift.

ellyeth · 05/08/2021 00:27

It's not that difficult to lay on a bit of vegetarian/vegan food. They are being very mean.

If you want to remain on good terms, go and take a smallish present or a bottle of wine. If you are not that bothered about staying on good terms, don't go. Personally, I don't think I'd want to go or be too bothered about offending them since they have been so unpleasant.

abstractprojection · 05/08/2021 00:31

Really odd that they’re doing a small wedding plus separate celebration, and evening only invites as well.

Is it possible that they’ve been pressured into making the wedding bigger then they wanted and the end result is this mismatch of invite and catering levels

I’d go to the celebration but not the evening thing, and if that’s catered or got a free bar would give a generous gift if not a smaller one

Chloemol · 05/08/2021 00:31

I wouldn’t go, nor would I be sending a present

They either want you there and cater for you, or they don’t it’s as simple as that

and if other family members ask why I wasn’t going I would tell them the truth

Takenoprisoner · 05/08/2021 00:35

It's a party, take a small token gift, if you go. (I wouldn't).

Why are you stressing about their gift, they're not stressing about including you in any way, shape or form,are they? They are the rudest couple ever.

Are you just supposed to watch people eat?

I'd get a vegan takeaway delivered at the venue and sit there eating it, all passive aggressive.

atlastifoundit · 05/08/2021 00:35

Just decline the invitation, send a card (no gift) and be done with it. Treat yourselves to a sla-up dinner in a vegan restaurant instead. Smile

PyongyangKipperbang · 05/08/2021 01:09

Decline. No gift. End of.

At my wedding I had several vegans, 2 coeliacs and a guest who is allergic to chlorophyll (so basically anything green) and I sorted that! Still have just under half of the guests who didnt give a gift....so there is no obligation either way.

Heliachi · 05/08/2021 01:30

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UseOfWeapons · 05/08/2021 07:41

That’s very thoughtless of them, or selfish, depending on how generous you’re feeling.
I’m vegetarian because I have an intolerance to meat and some fish, and if told specifically that there would be nothing for me to eat in this situation, I’d send them a hearty best wishes card, and a thanks but no thanks response to the invite.
And no, I wouldn’t send a gift.
Being a bit of a cow, I’d also breezily tell anyone who asked exactly why we weren’t attending.
Good luck OP, get yourselves a vegan feast on the night of the party, and chill at home with a bottle of wine!

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