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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a little miffed?

181 replies

HallieHufflepuff · 04/08/2021 22:04

A family member is getting married next year. DH & I are not invited but we are invited to a party a few weeks after (to celebrate the wedding).

Ok, that's fine, it's up to the couple what they want for their wedding and who they want to invite. Even though they came to our wedding (all day and in the evening too) and we spent a lot on their food, that's ok people don't have to reciprocate. We were just happy that everyone came to our wedding to enjoy the day with us.

But now we have been asked to eat before we go because they don't want to cater for us (as we are vegan). There are others who have allergies and dietary requirements and they have not been asked to eat before the party.

AIBU to be a little upset by that? Or is that silly and I shouldn't expect to eat at the buffet like the rest of the guests?

And how much money would you give as a gift? I know that the gift is supposed to be enough to cover the cost of your meal at least but since we won't be eating, how much should we give? (I don't want to fall out with them at all as they're usually really nice but just seem to be treating us oddly in this situation). I definitely don't want to cause a fuss as it's their wedding day and I want them to be happy.

OP posts:
Ponoka7 · 05/08/2021 07:48

Are they getting caterers in? Caterers are very wary of saying something is vegan because of the 'might contain milk/produced in a factory that handles dairy' you get on a lot of foods.

You don't need to be fed to give a gift. £20/30 in a card would do. You don't have to go. You've been invited to a party to celebrate a wedding. It could have just been drinks, you'd still give a gift. Feeling the way you are, perhaps don't go.

Saidtoomuch · 05/08/2021 07:48

I would go @HallieHufflepuff but turn up a little later than the invitation says, to make sure the soggy sandwiches are already out. Walk in with a delicious smelling Indian take away and make everyone else green with envy. When asked about it, which you will be, explain that you were told you wouldn't be catered for so brought your own food. Absolutely don't take a gift.

MrsSkylerWhite · 05/08/2021 07:51

Are they catering themselves? It would be a very odd catering company that wouldn’t provide vegan options, can’t imagine they’d stay in business for very long.

I’d decline (carnivore here).

BikeRunSki · 05/08/2021 08:08

They’ve only invited you because they feel obliged. Vegan good is very trendy, caterers should be dbkf to cope.,

Even if you went (and I wouldn’t) what are you meant to do while everybody else is eating?

PyjamaFan · 05/08/2021 08:12

I also wouldn't go.

A few vegan dishes on a buffet is hardly difficult.

AgentJohnson · 05/08/2021 08:12

You can’t make them cater for you no more than they can demand your presence. It’s an invitation not a summons. It doesn’t sound like they like you much, let alone wanting you to there. Which should make declining their invitation easy.

Sally872 · 05/08/2021 08:17

You are obviously not obligated to go. But if you want the opportunity to catch up with the other guests invited I would still go.

It is weird and rude, but I wouldn't miss out to try and prove a point. Unless you would rather not go, in which case this is a good excuse.

(It is also very insensitive to compare allergies to being vegan, even if you believe eating meat would make you feel unwell. If I eat a 2 slices of cake I would feel unwell it is not an allergy or even an intolerance.)

SchrodingersImmigrant · 05/08/2021 08:18

as it's their wedding day

It isn't... I wouldn't go. Ut it sounds like you are more basing yoir feeling on "we fed them etc" then on simple "wtf, mate. W. T. F..."

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 05/08/2021 08:20

I wouldn’t go regardless of the food situation, a party weeks after the wedding that I didn’t actually get invited to wouldn’t be something I would bother with. Can’t believe the gift request either.

pinkcircustop · 05/08/2021 08:22

Well if you’re going to be fussy you can’t always expect people will pander to you.

Marmalady75 · 05/08/2021 08:28

I understand all the people saying to decline, but I’m just twisted enough to take my own food in plastic containers and a giant cool box then sit and make a point of opening them noisily when the buffet starts 😉. Plus the idea of giving them a vegan cookbook as a present is genius.

Aprilx · 05/08/2021 08:31

You can’t really know if you are the only people that have been told to eat first. But that aside, nobody should be told that and I think they are not bothered if you come or not. I wouldn’t be going.

Aprilx · 05/08/2021 08:32

@Marmalady75

I understand all the people saying to decline, but I’m just twisted enough to take my own food in plastic containers and a giant cool box then sit and make a point of opening them noisily when the buffet starts 😉. Plus the idea of giving them a vegan cookbook as a present is genius.
I do like that idea. 😅
EthelMerman · 05/08/2021 08:32

@pinkcircustop

Well if you’re going to be fussy you can’t always expect people will pander to you.
@pinkcircustop 😂

@HallieHufflepuff if they only invited you by text, I’d decline by text. Sounds like you’ll be well out of it.

Post some pics on the evening of the party showing you enjoying a slap up vegan meal. Or better still, just ignore them, they’re not worth your time.

Leftphalange · 05/08/2021 08:36

It's not the same as a serious food allergy however that's not really the point.

I wouldn't go, it's not hard to do a small vegan dish, even if its something not very creative like a salad. I think they are treating you terribly and I would decline and send a token card with no gift.

LittleOwl153 · 05/08/2021 08:38

So are they self catering? If not I think it is deliberate that they have excluded you as any venue worth it's buffet these days will have figured out vegan given its trendy!

So my guess is its a parent getting married. If it's not a parent, sibling or your/dh child then I would not go and consider the relationship over. They have only invited you because they don't think they can get away with not doing. But they don't want you there.

If it is a parent/child then I would respond to say that their catering arrangements are poor and upsetting - and then as suggested above turn up with something lovely!

CeceJoyce · 05/08/2021 08:38

@pinkcircustop
🙄 veganism isn’t about being fussy. expecting even just a small amount of food is not expecting anyone to pander to your needs. It’s just respectful.

MrsSkylerWhite · 05/08/2021 08:39

pinkcircustop

Well if you’re going to be fussy you can’t always expect people will pander to you.“

That’s just silly.

MzHz · 05/08/2021 08:46

@abstractprojection

Really odd that they’re doing a small wedding plus separate celebration, and evening only invites as well.

Is it possible that they’ve been pressured into making the wedding bigger then they wanted and the end result is this mismatch of invite and catering levels

I’d go to the celebration but not the evening thing, and if that’s catered or got a free bar would give a generous gift if not a smaller one

They’re doing it for the wedding presents!

Now I’m not the biggest fan of vegans myself, but I’m cross on your behalf @HallieHufflepuff

They’re unspeakably rude, they can’t be arsed to send proper invites (unless you know everyone got invited by text) but to expect you to go to the effort of coming to their party, with a gift/money etc but that you’re not being even remotely catered to?

Nah, fuck that!

I wouldn’t even go to the effort of accepting or declining I’d ignore the invite, not even send a card and certainly no gift

They’re distant family that just got waaaaay more distant

I don’t doubt you’re hurt, totally understandable. They’re grabby arseholes

TopBlogger · 05/08/2021 09:10

A text invite?! This is merely a party that they want loads of presents at, under the pretence of a wedding celebration.

Very canny of them. Had the wedding, didnt invite loads, didnt get many gifts, so the cheapskates have done this the cheapest way possible for maximum results for them - and wont even cater for you Shock Grin

DelphiniumTea · 05/08/2021 09:13

Are they getting caterers in? Caterers are very wary of saying something is vegan because of the 'might contain milk/produced in a factory that handles dairy' you get on a lot of foods.

That's true. Also, it's really easy to do a vegetarian end of the buffet table but less so vegan unless it's heavily signposted. I had to include vegans in a buffet event recently, but there were only 2 of them (my dd and son-in-law) so asked the caterer to deliver a plated selection just to them. If it had been out on the table, my experience is that lots of the veggie food gets eaten by non-vegetarians (why do they do this? I don't know)
and there's been times when there is very little left for the true vegetarians. Vegan is a step more difficult especially if there are only a couple. It'll be eaten by others if it's out on the table.
It's possible these caterers are providing a standard cost buffet and do not usually cater vegan food therefore any special order will cost more to cater differently for just a couple of people.

My dd often takes her own food to this type of event because of this.
She's never been asked to, but always offers by default as vegan food is not widely catered yet in a standard buffet. Not that I've come across anyway.

Cocomarine · 05/08/2021 09:21

I hate OP’s like yours.
Just own it when you’re cross.
All this nonsense about, “it’s fine that they didn’t invite us to the wedding even though we invited them.”
It clearly ISN’T fine with you.
So just say that.

You are ridiculous comparing your choice (vegan) to someone’s need (allergy). By your reckoning, I can never try a new food ever, cos it will make me sick. Just because you haven’t had meat and dairy for many years doesn’t mean a slight cross contamination would make you sick. I doubt you’ve avoided cross contamination all these years anyway.

If their caterer offers a plated up separate vegan selection then they are unreasonable though.

Original poster
HallieHufflepuff · 05/08/2021 09:33

@Sally872 Who is comparing being vegan to having allergies?
I simply stated that they are catering for vegetarians and people with allergies. And I also said that I would be unwell if I ate meat and dairy (which is also true). Noone is being insensitive, I am just explaining that they are catering for both dietary preferences and allergies, just not food for us.

@pinkcircustop Please don't comment with silly things like that. Noone is fussy. It is our ethical belief to be vegan and it is a protected belief. There are so many different vegan foods available in 2021 that it's not even difficult to cater for vegans. Please don't embarrass yourself by calling me fussy, I don't shit on your beliefs.

@Marmalady75 Hahah that is actually a good idea. Only slightly passive aggressive and at least I would be attending!

@Aprilx You're right, I don't know definitely that they haven't said this to anyone else. But I do know they are catering for vegetarians.

@LittleOwl153 I have no idea to be honest. All I have heard about it is what is on the text. They have not shared any other information with me, like if they have caterers or are sorting the food themselves.

@CeceJoyce Thank you! I am not expecting to be treated special, just the same as everyone else. Or just the minimum effort would be something.

@MzHz Thank you for the support. And if you're not the biggest fan of vegans, I'm sorry that you have met some unfriendly vegans. But most of us are lovely (I know lots). There's good and bad of every group Smile

@DelphiniumTea You're right, people do always tend to eat the vegetarian/vegan food who are not vegetarian/vegan. If I was them (meat eaters), I would do a separate plate like you have said, in addition to a veggie section. But I went to loads of trouble when it was my wedding and I spent months thinking of a 3 course menu and an evening buffet that each one of our 100 guests would like. We also paid extra for an extra choice so that guests had 3 meals to choose from (when I have attended weddings, there has always been no choice). But I'm a long-suffering people pleaser.

OP posts:
Cocomarine · 05/08/2021 09:35

Who is comparing vegan and allergies?

Well literally you OP 🤣

Howshouldibehave · 05/08/2021 09:41

So it’s not even the wedding, it’s a party to celebrate the wedding?

I would reply back by whatever means they told you to eat before you came (text/email/phone call) saying you won’t be coming. And I wouldn’t send a present.

If anyone asked why you aren’t going, I would say that they told you to eat before you came, which you felt was rather odd.

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